Kaleidoscope

by Ashley, Kristen

  Not a dilapidated wreck.

  This should have made me happy.

  It didn’t.

  Because it was not lost on me that my bonus coincidentally coincided almost to the penny to Max’s bid.

  I knew Jacob and Dad were conspiring.

  I said nothing.

  This was because, two weeks ago, I thought this was sweet. Sweet and protective and maybe even a little funny.

  Now I absolutely did not.

  I parked opposite the front door to Jacob’s truck and swung out of my Bronco. As I rounded the hood, I noticed Jacob had moved. He was now standing at the foot of my front steps.

  I looked right in his eyes.

  He didn’t look away and he didn’t hesitate.

  “Donna called. Said not to worry. She’d look after Buford.”

  “Good she handled that,” I replied, walking right by him to my front door.

  I inserted the key then exerted some effort to push it open and I walked in.

  Unsurprisingly, Jacob followed me.

  I heard the door close then I heard, “What the fuck, Emme?”

  I turned, and standing on the magnificent starburst in what, by God even if it killed me, would one day be a magnificent, opulent front entry, I locked eyes with Jacob Decker and I didn’t hesitate either

  “On a wild hair, Sunday, I went to Denver to do some shopping.”

  This was a lie, of course, but I didn’t give a fuck. What I did with my time was no longer his business.

  “You were in Denver and you didn’t call me?” he asked.

  I found this a strange question for two reasons. One, I hadn’t even thought of calling him, even to ask if he had enough time to grab some lunch together. Two, that he’d suggest he wanted to see me when he was seeing Elsbeth.

  I decided it was best to ignore this and carry on as if he hadn’t said a word.

  “And I popped by Fortnum’s to get a cup of coffee,” I shared, and watched with grim fascination as his entire body jerked and his face flinched. “Yeah, honey,” I whispered. “You and Elsbeth looked good together. Then again, you always did.”

  “Emme—”

  Oh no. I was not going to listen to his shit.

  “Save it,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t fucking care.”

  “There’s an explanation.”

  I threw out a hand and replied, “I bet.” Then I pulled my purse from my arm, walked to the table I had in the entry and dumped it while finishing, “I just don’t give a shit what it is.”

  “It isn’t what you think,” he told me.

  I turned to him. “What I think is you told me you hated her. You told me you never wanted to see her again. And yet, there you were, giving her a grin and a hug.”

  “She ran into Erika,” he stated.

  “Whoop-di-do,” I shot back. “That shit happens. Denver is a big city but it’s still a small town. That happens all the time. Hell, when I lived there, I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing someone I knew. Though, I must admit, I do find it odd that Elsbeth had the itch to share with you over coffee that she ran into Erika. What’s odder is that you’d meet her so she could share that with you.”

  He ignored that and informed me, “Erika told her about you and me.”

  “This isn’t a surprise,” I returned instantly. “I haven’t had a long girlie chat with Erika recently, what with spending the last couple of months getting fucked over by you. Oh! And the months before that getting fucked over by Dane,” I added, and his face got hard but I did not fucking care. “But she has called, and silly me, I was happy so I shared we’d hooked up. She was happy for me. She never really got on with Elsbeth so I bet she was double happy sharing it with her.”

  Jacob again ignored all I said and kept on with his story.

  “When I got to town, babe, Elsbeth gave me a call outta the blue and asked to meet. Just a coincidence I was in Denver.”

  “Clearly, you jumped right on that.”

  His voice suddenly went low. “Baby, please, hear me out.”

  “Why?” I hissed.

  “Because this is not what you fuckin’ think and I need to straighten it out.”

  “You know,” I started chattily, “part of me wants to hear you out just to see what bullshit you’ve got to say. The other part of me does not give one shit and would rather not waste another second on you.”

  “Fuck, Emme,” he growled.

  Something snapped, I lost it, leaned into him and yelled, “You met with Elsbeth! You smiled at her! You held her! Both of those aren’t hers, Jacob. Both of those are mine!”

  “I didn’t hold her,” he returned.

  “I saw her hug you,” I retorted.

  “Yeah, she hugged me, babe, but I didn’t hug her back.”

  My head jerked because that might be true. I saw Elsbeth go in for the hug but I never saw Jacob put his arms around her. I’d looked away the minute she touched him.

  “She’s happy we’re together,” he declared.

  I snapped my mouth shut and my torso swung back.

  “Yeah. Shocked the shit outta me too,” he continued. “She said it on the phone when she called me. I reckoned she said it so I wouldn’t hang up on her ass. She kept talkin’, I was sure she was playin’ me. But I couldn’t shake that she sounded like she used to sound. Like she used to be.”

  “So you thought, Elsbeth swinging back, now you’re rich and successful and she’d probably not blink at the opportunity to push out an entire Decker football team for you, you’d check out the lay of the land,” I guessed acidly.

  “Fuck no,” he clipped, beginning to sound angry. “I only met with her because she told me she wanted to patch things up with you. And I reckoned if I didn’t meet with her, she’d go straight to you and I wanted to say face-to-face I was not down with that.”

  Again, I clamped my mouth shut.

  “She misses you, Emme,” he told me.

  “Right,” I said sarcastically. “Suddenly, after nine years, I’m with her ex, she misses me and contacts her ex to talk about patching things up.”

  “She didn’t think you’d be receptive.”

  “She was right. The weird thing is, after what you told me happened last summer, she should have thought you would be less receptive.”

  “Emmanuelle, you close down, nothin’ gettin’ in unless it shoves its way in and you know that’s no lie. But, just sayin’, she had a few things she had to say to me too.”

  The first part he said was indeed no lie so I had no response. The second part I didn’t want to know. So I said nothing.

  Jacob did.

  “Babe, you two were tight.”

  “We’re not anymore.”

  “Emme, fuck.”

  He took a step to me but stopped when I took a step back.

  Then he kept talking.

  “She said she always knew it would happen between us. She said she even knew it was happening back then. We both know this. She’s now admitted it. She’s divorcing her husband. She’s not happy but she’s not with another guy and not looking to hook up. She’s trying to figure out where she went wrong and get her life back on track. But she’s doin’ that without a guy. And one of the places where she went wrong was settin’ up a life where she got what she wanted but not what she needed and lost a whole load of shit in the process. And yeah, part of that was me. But the part she’s concerned about is you.”

  “Do you honestly think I’ll believe this crap?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I honestly do because it’s the truth.”

  “So, breaking this down,” I began, crossing my arms on my chest. “You got a call from your ex, my ex–best friend, about her burning desire to mend fences. You didn’t tell me about it, thought it was a good idea to have a heartfelt, soul-exposing chat over coffee and fill me in later. Do I have that right?”

  “If I said she called. If I told you what she wanted. If I said I thought it might be good you explore that, what you lost wit
h her, what might be good to have back. Or if that wasn’t the way it swung, still give you the opportunity to put a line under it and move on, for you, for her, for me. If I suggested that maybe it might be a good idea to talk with her and think about why you scraped her off in the first place. If I gave you all that, Emme, what would you do?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied. “And now I never will since I wasn’t given that shot.”

  “Emme, you got shit you’re workin’ out which is big shit you need to concentrate on and I need to keep you on that path. I also need to make certain nothing veers you off that path and I definitely need to be certain to protect you from something that’ll shove you off it. Say me havin’ a meet with my ex.”

  My head cocked with confusion and I asked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Then he said something totally bizarre.

  “I won’t lie there and think how fucked-up shitty it is to be so goddamned alone and so fucking lonely. Scared I’ll die, no one will care. No man. No kids.”

  My brows shot together because he was making no sense whatsoever.

  “Jacob, what the fuck?” I mostly repeated.

  “That’s what you said to me.”

  “What?”

  “When you lost it when you thought I was playing you.”

  I probably said that, just like that. Jacob remembered everything.

  I still didn’t get it.

  “So?” I asked.

  “No man,” he stated then finished with emphasis. “No kids.”

  Hearing his words, my words, my entire body locked.

  Jacob kept going.

  “You said that. You said straight up you thought about kids. You said it, giving me indication, since you were opening yourself up to finding a man, that man bein’ me, you also want kids. Then, you take hold of Chace and Faye’s son and the world melts. It’s just you and him. You were so into little Jake, there was nothin’ else but you and him. Weeks later, we’re there, we’re in love, we’re movin’ down that path, I ask you how many kids you want, suddenly you don’t want any. Suddenly, you’ve never thought about kids. Suddenly, that’s not you.”

  “I—”

  “Disconnecting. Again.”

  “Jacob—”

  He interrupted me again. “See, babe, for some reason I cannot get a lock on, you’re clueless. One minute, you’re sweet, so fuckin’ sweet, swear to Christ, Emme, don’t know what I did in my life to deserve that kind of sweet. Perfect for me, top to toe, brain and body, free and easy givin’ me not just everything I want but everything I need.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath as his words hit me hard in my sternum.

  Jacob must not have noticed my reaction because he kept speaking.

  “The next minute, you’re sharin’ your past with me, workin’ it out in your head, tellin’ me how you understand that guy who snatched you scarred you. Then the next minute, back to clueless, and out of the blue you’re slippin’ away. You don’t see it happen, feel it happen, even know you’re doin’ it. But I feel it. I don’t get how you don’t get it when you fuckin’ told me you got it. And last, I don’t know how to fix it, and when it happens, it kills. So I gotta be on the lookout for everything,” he leaned in, “every-fucking-thing you could use to tear yourself away from me. So yeah, Elsbeth called, she seemed to be pulling her shit together, I took the meet and I didn’t tell you about it precisely because of this. Because you’d use it to tear yourself away from me.”

  Again, I had no response. This time because everything he said was right and I was freaked because I didn’t know why I was so clueless, how I didn’t get it and I also didn’t know how to fix it.

  Jacob didn’t seem to mind I had no response. He kept sharing.

  “And by the way, Emme, she also wanted to apologize about pulling that shit on me last summer. And that was genuine too, so it was another reason I took the meet. It obviously seems fucked to you, since you’re in your head and can’t pull yourself out, but I’m glad I did. Months I spent wonderin’ what the fuck was wrong with me I fell and did it deep for a total fuckin’ cunt. It was good to know she wasn’t. It was good to know she was messed up and doin’ stupid shit at the same time tryin’ to sort herself out. It was good to know I fell in love with a decent woman who made stupid choices.”

  That all made sense too, which sucked.

  But he wasn’t done. He’d saved the best for last.

  “And it might make me a dick but it was good to be drinkin’ coffee with a woman fucked up because she fucked me over knowin’ in the end it worked out for me. Because I was not with a woman who was not right for me. I was with the woman who was made for me.”

  “I’m glad you got that, Jacob,” I replied, and I kind of was.

  But I was also more than kind of reeling, scared, freaked and still angry. Since I couldn’t deal with the scared and freaked, I held onto the angry.

  Thus I continued, “But it doesn’t erase the fact that you purposefully didn’t tell me.”

  “And I explained the reasons.”

  “Was it so important to you that you’d risk this,” I threw a hand out, “just to know you didn’t make a jacked choice that affected you for a decade?”

  “Jesus, Emme, yeah,” he clipped then went on, “But actually, I didn’t expect you to be in Denver. So I didn’t expect you to know at all until I told you.”

  “You have a habit of telling me stuff after the fact,” I pointed out, and he lifted a hand and raked it through his hair.

  “Christ, Emmanuelle, the last time that shit happened I was workin’ a confidential case.”

  “Okay, how about my windows, Jacob?” I shot back. “Were you ever going to tell me you and Dad were in cahoots to get me something you both wanted me to have but I wanted to get my own damned self so you both played me?”

  His chin jerked back and his eyebrows shot together before he asked, “Are you fuckin’ shitting me?”

  “No. I absolutely am not. You stood in my kitchen and told me you’d have a mind to me, how I do things, how I’m used to doing things myself. But I guess that mind you’re gonna have is operating behind my back to do things your own way.”

  “So we’re moving from you wedging Elsbeth between us to you using this?” he asked incredulously.

  “Jacob, you lied,” I snapped. “And you dragged my dad along with you.”

  “Baby, do you really fuckin’ care that your man and your dad are lookin’ out for you, you’re so goddamned stubborn we gotta make a play so we do, and I’ll repeat, we do it lookin’ out for you?”

  “It’s the principle of the thing,” I hissed.

  “It’s bullshit and you know it,” he fired back, and I leaned back, throwing both arms out this time.

  “Oh,” I drew that word out derisively. “It doesn’t mean shit to you but it means a lot to me and it’s bullshit?”

  “Fucking hell, Emme, listen to yourself,” he ordered.

  “I don’t have the concentration, Jacob, since I’m using it all to listen to you,” I returned.

  “Okay, babe, then concentrate on this,” he bit out. “Twelve years ago, you showed at Elsbeth and my place. Elsbeth wasn’t there. You said you’d leave, I asked you to stay. We got drunk on the balcony and laughed our asses off. We were at it for hours. Got you a taxi home. But not once in that entire time with just you and me, your girl not even there, did we miss her. She didn’t exist. We had no problems conversing, connecting, enjoyin’ the shit outta each other’s company. When I had Elsbeth and you, I had you, Emme. All of you. And you know why I had you so fuckin’ totally?”

  I said nothing.

  Jacob didn’t need me to.

  “Because you were safe in the knowledge you couldn’t have me.”

  Suddenly I started breathing heavily.

  “I thought you were just a loner,” he went on. “You’re not. You’re just determined to be alone.”

  “I’m not a puzzle to figure out, Jacob,” I told him, my v
oice quieter.

  “You are, Emme, the most frustrating one I ever found and the one it’s most important to solve.”

  “I’m just me.”

  “No, baby,” he said gently. “You’re not just you anymore. Now you’re mine. That means you’re part of an us.”

  At that, I just quit breathing.

  “You’re damaged,” he declared.

  “I’m not,” I forced out.

  But I was thinking I was.

  “Broken,” he went on.

  “I’m not,” I repeated on a wheeze even though I was thinking I was that too.

  “And I’m going to piece the parts back together, Emme.”

  I shook my head but said nothing.

  “For you and for me.”

  “We don’t work,” I replied, pushing it and I didn’t know why.

  “We’ve always worked, Emme. Always.”

  I loved that. That was beautiful.

  Beautiful.

  I shook my head again but this time did it hard, suddenly so panicked, it was near paralyzing.

  Shoving down the panic, I held onto the angry with everything I had in me.

  Doing so, I remembered seeing him with Elsbeth, how that destroyed me and I thought… no way. I wasn’t spending another hour of my life now or in the future feeling like I felt the last two days.

  He wasn’t the man for me. I thought he was. He just wasn’t.

  He wasn’t.

  I was better off alone so hurt like this couldn’t touch me.

  I had to end this now.

  “You collude with my father. You keep important things from me. You’re an uber-alpha and I’m an independent woman. You want kids and I don’t. And… and… you’re a Republican.”

  It was a lame finish but it was all I had.

  Jacob knew it was lame and he smiled.

  God, he was handsome when he smiled.

  He started walking toward me.

  I started backing up.

  Unfortunately, this time he didn’t stop but he did start moving fast when I hit wall and made to change directions and dart through the doorway to the hall.

  He cut me off and fenced me in.

  I tipped my head back and caught his eyes.

  “You’re scary liberal,” he whispered.

  “Jacob—”

  “And I don’t give that first fuck.”