Kaleidoscope

by Ashley, Kristen

  “You get me, honey?” he asked gently.

  I could tell him. I could tell Harvey. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say it to anyone else.

  I just knew I could say it to him.

  “He terrifies me,” I whispered.

  He leaned in and grasped my hand, holding it tight. “This man does not terrify you, my beautiful Emme, something else does. Now, please pay attention to what God granted you. He did not offer you a weak man who could not see whatever this is through. He offered you a strong man who can help you keep those fears at bay as you deal with whatever this is.”

  “But he’s what I fear,” I semi-repeated.

  “Why?” Harvey asked.

  “I don’t know,” I answered, voice trembling.

  “He’s told you he wants to lead you to answers. Let him,” Harvey replied.

  “What if he’s—?”

  I stopped speaking when Harvey jerked my hand and leaned close.

  “Let him, Emme.”

  I didn’t know where it came from but it came from somewhere because my lips were saying it. “There’s something wrong with me.”

  “Stop going it alone, lean on a strong man who loves you and find out what that is. Then let him help you fix it.”

  “I’m scared of it.”

  Harvey held my eyes and mine were watery, but if I wasn’t mistaken, his were watery too.

  “I’m scared too,” he replied.

  That confused me.

  “Why?”

  “I’m scared for you, honey.”

  That made sense.

  “Go home, go to him,” he urged.

  “You sure?”

  “No way on this earth would I ever tell you something like that if I wasn’t absolutely certain it was the right thing to tell you.”

  I gave his hand a squeeze.

  “I love you, Harvey.”

  His hand spasmed in mine, something sharp and wounded passed swiftly through his face before he hid it and whispered, “I love you too, my beautiful, Emme. Now get out of this old guy’s kitchen and find your man.”

  The word was again trembling when I agreed, “Okay.”

  He stood, and with his hand in mine, brought me up with him.

  It was me, it was always me, who went in for the hug.

  But always upon always, Harvey hugged me back. Firm, sweet and for a long time.

  This time, he did it for longer.

  Then he waited until I grabbed my jacket and purse and he walked me out to Persephone.

  I waved as I drove away.

  Harvey waved back.

  * * *

  Two minutes earlier, in the control room of Nightingale Investigations…

  “Confirm it’s her,” Luke Stark, Lee Nightingale’s right-hand man, demanded over the phone to Jack, the man who most frequently worked the control room.

  And the vast amount of time Jack spent in that room, he did it eyes to the large bank of monitors.

  “Confirmed. Caught her goin’ in, didn’t get a clear visual. Caught her goin’ out and saw her full face. Got the photo Deck gave us. It’s her. She was there an hour. Lee’s off-line, but orders are, Deck knows the minute we see her there.”

  “I’ll call Deck. Out,” Luke said.

  Jack heard the disconnect.

  Then his eyes went back to the monitors.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lost You

  Three hours later…

  I drove back to the mountains and went straight to Jacob’s.

  I was terrified, I didn’t know why, but I was. I’d admitted that.

  And he’d told me he was intent on helping me figure it out.

  And I loved him.

  My finger would be bleeding, dialing that number over and over again.

  Throughout the journey, I heard Harvey’s words repeating in my head.

  And that was what did it for me.

  I loved Jacob in a way that I knew life without him would be no life at all.

  Like Harvey’s life was without the ones he loved.

  And I’d known that for years. Even when I didn’t have Jacob, I’d known it.

  Now I had him and something was wrong with me. But he wasn’t running for the hills, knowing it the same as me, and not wanting anything to do with it.

  No.

  He was with me.

  With me.

  Wanting to fix me.

  Wanting a future.

  Wanting babies.

  Wanting me.

  It was me holding back. Holding back for no reason that I understood.

  But the most intelligent person I knew was Jacob Decker. So if someone could help me understand, it was him.

  Having made my decision, I went to Jacob’s but he wasn’t there. I sat in his driveway, pulled out my phone and was about to call him when I decided against it.

  I’d call him when I was home. For this, whatever it was going to be, I decided I needed to be home. And Jacob, being Jacob, he’d come to me.

  He’d come right to me.

  Any girl in her right mind who knew that down to her bones would squeal with pure joy.

  It petrified me.

  Yep. Something was not right with me.

  Luckily, it petrified me in a figurative way, not a literal one, so I could drive home.

  When I did, I found that, just like when Jacob was looking for me and I’d been at his place fuming, when I was looking for him, he was at mine, hopefully not fuming.

  He’d given me space like he said he would. Three days.

  I guessed he was done doing that.

  This was good because I was too.

  It didn’t mean I wasn’t still terrified.

  It was dark but I’d left the outside lights on and I saw his truck. He was in the shadows but I still saw him at the tail in the exact same position he’d been in three days earlier.

  I parked where I’d parked three days ago. But this time, I didn’t open my door, jump out of my truck and round the hood to find Jacob at the steps waiting for me.

  I opened my door and jumped out of my truck to find Jacob standing in my door.

  “Honey, I’m glad—” I started.

  “Get in the house, Emme,” he clipped, and my head jerked at his tone.

  Okay. Apparently he was fuming.

  “I—”

  He leaned into me so suddenly and so deeply, I had to lean back into the cab of the Bronco.

  “Get in the goddamned, motherfucking house, Emme.”

  I felt my eyes round.

  He’d never spoken that way to me. In fact, I’d never heard him speak that way to anybody.

  I stared at his face.

  He was angry.

  No. That wasn’t right.

  He was enraged.

  “What’s happening?” I asked carefully.

  “Get in. The goddamned. House,” Jacob repeated.

  What was going on?

  Although I wanted to know (or perhaps I didn’t), I didn’t think it was my best play to ask him right then.

  So I said softly, “I will, honey, if you’ll get out of my way.”

  He immediately moved out of my way.

  I immediately moved to the front door, nervous, freaked, confused and still very scared, but now for a different reason.

  I let us in. Jacob slammed the heavy door and the way it thudded in its frame seemed to rock the house.

  Have mercy.

  “Library,” Jacob ordered.

  I turned to look at him. “Can we—?”

  His voice dipped to a sinister whisper. “Ass to the library, Emme.”

  I didn’t get this. I didn’t like this. I wanted to tell him that but I also didn’t think that was my best play at the moment. So I swallowed, nodded and moved to the library.

  Jacob followed.

  When we got there, he didn’t delay.

  “You’re seein’ him,” he announced bizarrely the instant I turned to face him.

  My head jerked. “I… what?”


  “You’re seein’ him,” he repeated.

  Okay, now I was really confused.

  Did he think I’d been out with another man?

  “Seeing who?” I asked and that was when he lost it.

  Leaning in, he roared, “Harvey!”

  Oh no.

  He knew.

  How did he know?

  I looked at his face and didn’t ask. Instead, I took a step back.

  Jacob kept speaking.

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  I lifted a hand his way. “Let me explain.”

  “He snatched you from a playground.”

  “I know it sounds weird, but please, let me explain.”

  “Your father and mother didn’t know where you were for three days.”

  Reflexively, my head shook and it did it hard, my hair flying with it, like this action could deflect his words and my ears wouldn’t absorb them. A defensive response I didn’t get and Jacob didn’t catch.

  He started stalking toward me.

  “Not knowin’ if you were eating.”

  I retreated.

  “Not knowin’ if you were bein’ touched.”

  Another shake of my head, both my hands up now.

  Not imploring.

  Protecting.

  “Not knowin’ if you were dead in a ditch.”

  “Stop talking,” I whispered.

  “No way they know you’re seein’ him. Your dad talked to me about what happened to you. How he’s not over it. How he wakes up every day with the taste of bein’ out of his goddamned mind worried about you in his mouth and it’s been fuckin’ twenty-two fuckin’ years.”

  I couldn’t hear this. I didn’t want to know this.

  I had to stop it.

  “Stop talking,” I repeated.

  “And you’re seein’ him.”

  “Please stop talking.”

  “Why are you seeing him, Emme?”

  I shook my head.

  “Why, in God’s name, would you be seein’ that… fuckin’… man?”

  You scream, you’ll never see your mother and father again.

  The words violated my brain. Words I refused to remember for twenty-two years.

  I tripped over something, righted myself and kept moving backward.

  You scream…

  “No,” I whispered.

  You’ll never…

  I shook my head hard, hit wall and slid across it.

  “Emme?”

  See your mother and father again.

  “No,” I begged.

  Strong hands on my arms.

  “Emme!”

  Emme!

  My head turned and instead of a bookshelf, I saw them there.

  Emme!

  Their faces.

  I couldn’t bear the faces.

  I closed my eyes.

  The hands left my arms, slid up and curled around my neck. “Baby, what’s happening?”

  Emme!

  I saw their faces behind my closed eyelids. Burned there. Burned there for eternity.

  You scream, you’ll never see your mother and father again.

  “Please, Emme, baby, talk to me.”

  “No,” I forced out on a tortured whisper.

  “Where are you, honey?” The hands at my neck gave me careful squeeze. “Jesus, Emme, come back to me.”

  Emme!

  Those faces.

  “No,” I pleaded.

  Emme!

  “No!” I shrieked.

  Yanking my neck from the hands, I tried to escape.

  Arms caught me.

  I fought, vicious, kicking, snarling, scratching, bucking.

  Remembering.

  I was standing behind the kissing tree at recess waiting for my kind-of boyfriend to meet me there.

  The tree was in the corner of the far end of the playground. Perfect spot to hide from the teachers and try out kissing. It was also where the chain link fence had been pried away from the post so the bad kids could go out and smoke cigarettes, or whatever they did.

  I had my back to the fence, my hands to the rough bark, my body tipped to the side so I could look around the tree to see if my boyfriend was coming.

  Suddenly, a hand came over my mouth.

  I froze.

  I jerked.

  A mouth came to my ear.

  “You scream, you’ll never see your mother and father again.”

  In the library in my home, I screamed.

  Back then, I didn’t scream.

  I didn’t… fucking… scream.

  “It’s me, baby, fuck, shit. Fuckin’ hell, Emme. It’s me.”

  My back arched, the hold didn’t let go, and I collapsed.

  “Emme!”

  I was sitting in the police station. I heard my father’s voice and turned my head.

  Mom and Dad were there, rushing to me, bumping into each other at the same time they held onto each other and raced my way, their eyes glued to me.

  They hit me and took me off my feet.

  But I didn’t fall. Dad’s arms had closed around me.

  Then Mom’s arms closed around me.

  Both so hard I couldn’t breathe.

  But I heard Mom sobbing. I felt the wet of her tears in my hair.

  “We thought we’d lost you. Oh, my precious baby girl, we thought we’d lost you.”

  Dad’s voice in my ear. Agonized. Pain so bad, it cut right through me then burrowed in, never to leave.

  Never to leave.

  “We thought we’d lost you.”

  Lost you.

  Lost you.

  “Baby, you don’t say something, I’m calling an ambulance.”

  I looked at Jacob.

  We were on the couch. I was in his lap. His arms were tight around me.

  “I can’t lose you,” I whispered.

  His chin jerked back. “What?”

  “I can’t have babies.”

  “Emme—”

  “I can’t lose them.”

  His eyes went from alarmed to wary and his mouth closed.

  “I can’t do it,” I told him. “I can still see their faces.”

  Gently, Jacob asked, “Whose faces, baby?”

  “Dad and Mom at the police station.”

  Understanding sparked in his eyes. His head dropped. His eyes closed. Then they opened and he pulled me closer.

  “Harvey knows,” I told him.

  “What does he know?” he asked on a whisper.

  “What losing someone means.”

  Jacob pulled me even closer.

  “You don’t identify with him, honey.”

  “I know loss,” I contradicted.

  “You were lost. You don’t know loss,” he corrected.

  “I know loss. For three days, that’s all I saw. And I saw it in Harvey.”

  His arms tightened around me as the alarm came back to mix with the wary in his eyes.

  “I need to call someone to see to you. It kills me but I don’t know how to give you what you need right now, baby.”

  I ignored what he said and announced, “You scare me.”

  “Emme—”

  “No, you terrify me.”

  “Baby—”

  I lifted a hand and cupped his jaw. “I can’t lose you.”

  “Fuck, Emme.” His words were anguished.

  “If you gave me babies, I couldn’t lose them.”

  “Honey, let me—”

  It was pouring out of me. Truth. Undiluted. I didn’t hold it back. I couldn’t anymore.

  I’d been holding on to it for too long.

  I could see their faces.

  “I’ve loved you since Elsbeth first introduced me to you,” I declared, and Jacob’s mouth closed. “You smiled at me, shook my hand and said something to make me laugh. You were so beautiful. You were so nice. I took one look at you and it felt like I’d been asleep for decades and seeing you, feeling your big strong hand wrap around mine, woke me up.”

  He pulled my
hand from his jaw, pressed it tight over his heart and didn’t say anything.

  Not with his mouth.

  His eyes were speaking though.

  And what they were saying was amazing.

  “I was the fairy-tale princess waiting for her prince to wake her from a deep sleep. And there you were.”

  He curled his fingers around mine and he did it tight.

  “But I couldn’t have you,” I went on. “If I had something as glorious as you and lost it, I’d be Harvey. Crazy. Alone. Buried under despair. Unable to go on.”

  “You aren’t Harvey, Emmanuelle.”

  I closed my eyes tight, bent my neck, pressed my forehead against his lips and only moved back when I felt him kiss me there.

  And when I moved back, I looked direct in Jacob’s eyes.

  “I know I’m not Harvey, honey. But that’s what he taught me. He showed me that despair and he gave it to my parents and then they showed it to me. That’s what he taught me. That’s what he left me. That’s what’s been buried in me for…” I leaned closer, “forever.”

  His hand gave mine a squeeze as he murmured a hoarse, “Baby.”

  I took in a stuttering breath and continued.

  “I understood it. Logically, it came to me and I told you about it. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t panic about it until I knew I loved you and you told me you loved me. I didn’t put it together that I saw Harvey how lost everything, everything he loved, and what that did to him. I didn’t put it together that, even as I was reaching for it because I wanted it so badly, I wasn’t going to allow myself to build any of that because he’d taught me to be terrified of losing it. Then I saw you with little Jake and you two were so beautiful.” I pressed closer to him and my voice dropped lower. “So, so beautiful, honey.”

  He closed his eyes but opened them again when I kept talking.

  “I wanted that. I wanted you to give me that, giving it to me by holding the baby we made in your arms. I wanted it more than anything else I’ve ever wanted in this world, except you. But Harvey lost his daughter and for three days my parents lost me and I couldn’t hack it. So I did what was safe. What was familiar. What you knew I was doing. But I couldn’t help it because I didn’t even know I was doing it. I felt the terror of possibly losing you, losing a child I’d made with you, and did what I’d trained myself to do since he took me. I retreated to protect myself from the possibility of that ever happening to me.”

  “Baby, I love it that you’re seeing this. That you get this. But we’ve been here before and you still pulled away from me. What happened five minutes ago, it’s clear you aren’t dealing, and like your dad, you haven’t been dealing for twenty-two years. To do that and do it right, you have to talk with somebody,” Jacob said gently.