by Sandi Lynn
He set a piece of paper down on the nightstand.
“I’m giving you tough love because I love you and I’m worried. I made an appointment for you to see a therapist. His name is Dr. Stark and he’s supposedly the best in Manhattan. I got his name and number from a friend of mine. Your appointment is for three o’clock. Luckily, they had a cancellation today. You better go, Anna. I have to run. I have a meeting with a client.” He kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.
I let out a huff and pulled the covers back over my head. A few moments later, I threw them back and sat up. Looking over at the nightstand, I picked up the piece of paper and looked at it. Damn him. I climbed out of bed and hopped into the shower, got myself together, and went downstairs. I couldn’t believe Wes hadn’t bothered to call or text me. It was obvious he didn’t care. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door to Dr. Stark’s office.
I signed in and took a seat in the waiting room. I didn’t need this, and I didn’t belong here. I changed my mind. I was out. Just as I got up from my seat to walk out the door, a tall and handsome older man with long hair, casual clothes, and beads around his neck stepped into the waiting area and called my name.
“Anna?” He smiled. “You’re not trying to escape, are you?”
“Caught me.” I nervously laughed.
“I’m Dr. Stark. I know it’s hard being here, especially if you’ve never been to a therapist’s office before. It can be intimidating. Come with me to my space and give me a chance. If you don’t like our conversation, then you won’t ever have to come back. Deal?”
I liked him. He seemed nice and genuine and from another decade. There was something about his voice that made me feel comfortable.
“Deal.” I smiled.
“I ask when we get to my office, you remove your shoes,” he said.
Okay. This guy is weird.
I followed him into his office and was taken aback by the décor. I removed my shoes and set them on the shoe rack by the door. I looked around at the orange-painted walls with different types of tapestries that hung on them, all in bold and beautiful colors and designs. Beads hung down off the to the side, separating this room from another. Large round pillow chairs that sat on the ground in different colors graced the space as well as a teal-colored futon with multi-print pillows that lined the wall.
“May I offer you some coffee or water?” he asked.
“Coffee would be great. Umm. Your office is really cool.”
“Thanks. But I don’t consider it an office. It’s a gathering space where people can be comfortable and relax.”
“Let me guess, you never got out of the seventies. Did you?” I smirked.
“Nope.” He smiled as he handed me my coffee. “Sit anywhere you want. Couch, chair, floor. Feel free to lie on the floor if you want. Stretch out, cross your legs. The most important thing is that you’re comfortable and you don’t feel like you’re in therapy.”
I took a seat on the teal-colored couch and brought my legs up to my chest as I sipped my coffee. This was kind of cool and I felt more relaxed than I had in days. He sat Indian-style on one of the big fluffy pillow chairs across from me and I found myself talking non-stop when he asked why I was there.
“Do you hate children?” he asked me.
“No. Of course not. I like children.”
“But you don’t want any of your own because you’re afraid you’ll fuck them up like your parents did you, right?”
Okay. Wow. This guy is raw.
“I don’t consider myself fucked-up, Dr. Stark. I am an independent woman who knows what she wants.”
“And kids are what you don’t want.”
“Right. I don’t want children.”
“Because you’re afraid you’ll fuck them up like your parents did you.”
“Yes,” I involuntarily blurted out.” Damn it.
He looked at me with a smile and nodded his head.
“Congratulations, Anna. You just took the first step in healing yourself.”
We talked some more, and when the timer went off, I didn’t want to leave. I felt like we were making some sort of progress.
“Do you think you want to come back and chat again?” he asked.
“Yes, Dr. Stark. I do. I actually want to come every day if possible.”
“Every day?” he asked with surprise.
“Yes. We have a lot of ground to cover. I don’t care what it costs because I can afford it. So pencil me in for the rest of the week. And if you can’t get me in, then make it after hours and I will pay double your fee.”
“Okay. Cindy will set up the appointments for you.” He smiled.
I walked out of his space and hailed a cab back to the apartment. When I walked in, Franco was in the kitchen cooking.
“How did it go?” he asked without turning around.
“It was fabulous. I love Dr. Stark. He is so cool, and his space is like I was transported to the 70’s.”
He turned around and looked at me with a shocked expression on his face.
“You, Anna Young, liked therapy?”
“It’s not therapy. It’s chatting.” I smiled.
He walked over to me and placed his hands on each side of my face and forcefully planted a kiss on my lips.
“It is so good to hear you say that and to see you smile again.”
“I have an appointment with him every day this week. I told him we have a lot of ground to cover. Thanks, Franco.”
“You’re welcome, sweet cheeks.”
Chapter 33
Wes
Three weeks had passed, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Anna. I’d been a bear to anyone who crossed my path. My bed at night was lonely and even lonelier in the mornings. I couldn’t bear to go home after the office anymore because everything there reminded me of her. The home I once loved was now the place I dreaded the most.
It was the middle of the afternoon and I was walking down West 84th Street when I saw Anna turn the corner. I quickly stepped into a store and watched her pass by. She looked beautiful, but the spark in her eye wasn’t there. I stepped out of the store and followed her, mixing in with the street crowd so she wouldn’t notice me. She went inside a building, and when I reached it, I looked at the name that was engraved on a brass plate that hung on the brick wall to the left of the door, Dr. Nathan Stark, PsyD. A psychologist? She was seeing a psychologist?
Later that night, as I was sitting in my usual spot at the Post Bar, the door opened. When I turned around to see what all the noise was, I noticed a group of people filtered inside. My heart started racing when I saw Anna amongst those people. I turned around, desperately trying to remain calm as I threw back my drink and asked the bartender for another one.
“Wes?” I heard her soft voice from behind.
Shit.
I turned around as she stood there, and our eyes locked on to each other’s.
“Anna. What are you doing here?”
“It’s Lars’ birthday. Are you here alone?”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” I spoke deadpan as I turned around. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect to see you.”
“I didn’t expect to see you either. How are you?”
“As good as can be expected, I guess. How are you?”
“The same as you.”
“You better get back to your friends,” I said as I finished off my drink, threw some cash on the counter, and got up from my seat.
“Yeah. I guess I better. It was good to see you.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and walked out the door.
Instead of hailing a cab right away, I started walking down the street. I needed the air. It had seemed she moved on. She was out with her friends having fun while I sat in a bar alone. My choice, I know, but I couldn’t bring myself to have any type of fun since our breakup.
“Wes!” I heard her shout.
I stopped dead center in the middle of the sidewalk while people
pushed their way around me. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t.
“You asked me how I was, and I lied to you,” she said from behind. “I’m not as good as could be expected. In fact, I’m not good at all. I hate that this happened with us. I cry myself to sleep every night and wish you were lying next to me. I check my phone a hundred times a day wishing and hoping that it would ring and you’d be on the other end. I miss you, Wes.”
I slowly turned around and looked at the sadness in her eyes, the same sadness I had in mine. I wanted to reach out and grab her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but I wasn’t sure if it ever would be again.
“I miss you too, Anna.”
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” she asked.
“Don’t you have a party to join?”
“They can party without me. I didn’t even feel like coming, but Franco dragged me out of the apartment.”
“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about. We’re just going to rehash the same old shit and end up in another argument.”
“Is that how you really feel?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel. It’s the truth. I want a family with you and you don’t. What’s left to say?”
“I have a lot to say, and so do you. Even if you don’t want to admit it. I have fears that I should have expressed to you, but instead, I shut down and stood my ground. I shouldn’t have been so quick to react the way I did.”
“You’re right, I do have a lot to say, but I don’t want to hurt you any more than you’re already hurting.”
“It’s okay. I can take it. I know it’s been three weeks and it’s been the longest three weeks of my life. But I’ve been in therapy every day and Dr. Stark has really helped me to see things in a different light.”
“Every day?” I asked.
“Yes. I told him we had a lot of ground to cover.”
I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.
“Where do you want to talk?” I asked.
“Central Park would be a good place.”
“Central Park it is.”
We took a cab over to the entrance of Central Park where Cherry Hill was. It was quiet there and a beautiful night to sit by the lake and talk. Before we made it there, Anna had the cab driver stop at her apartment so she could grab a blanket for us to sit on. I couldn’t help but smile when she suggested it. Once we arrived, we spread out the blanket and we both sat down.
“I have a mechanism inside me that shuts down when someone tells me what they want from me. It’s a fear mechanism because of how I was raised. If something scares me enough, I shut down instantly, and I close myself off. When you brought up the subject of children, the only thing I could see was me not being able to love and nurture that child like my mother couldn’t me. It wasn’t a fear I was projecting on myself; it was out of fear for the child. That’s why I never wanted kids. Because I was so afraid of fucking them up and putting them through what I went through. I’m literally scared to be a mom, and over the years, I created this story in my mind and I made myself believe that I would be a horrible mother like mine was. Don’t get me wrong, Wes, I love kids. I really do. I’m just afraid for them and you.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because I saw how it hurt my father and I saw how after time, he resented me for it, and it tore my parents apart.”
“You’re not your mother, Anna, and I’m not your father. I understand your fear, I really do. When Alexa told me that she was pregnant, I was over the moon with happiness. Even though I didn’t love her, I was going to be a father. Then, when I found out that there was never a baby, it destroyed me. I spent years hiding myself from women because I couldn’t trust them. Then I met you and you changed all that for me. All I could see was us having a family together. Then when you said you didn’t ever want to have kids, like you, I shut down and walked away thinking it would be easier instead of standing there while you broke my heart. But it hasn’t been easy at all. I’ve been a total mess these past three weeks. I wanted to reach out to you, but I didn’t want to bear any more pain. For fuck sakes, this isn’t worth it. Being without you is not worth it. Any of it. If you don’t want kids, I can live with that, Anna. Because all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“No, you can’t, Wes. Just like I can’t live with not having a family with you.”
“What? What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I can’t, and I won’t let my fear stop me from living my best life. My best life is being with you, marrying you and starting a family. I let my parents and their issues define me and I’m not letting them do that anymore. They may have created me and given birth to me, but they aren’t me and I’m not them. And when we do have children one day and some signs appear that need addressing, I’ll get the help I need right away.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” I spoke as I placed my hands on each side of her face.
“I missed you too.”
I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. Within seconds, our kiss deepened, and I never wanted to let her go. We both fell back on the blanket and laughed. We were making out in Central Park like a couple of teenagers. I broke our kiss and stared into her eyes as the light of the moon glistened on the lake.
“Can I you take you home? Back to our home?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “I want to come home.”
Chapter 34
Six Months Later
Wes
I paced back and forth while I tried to calm my nerves. Today was our wedding day and I couldn’t help but have this feeling inside me. I needed to talk to Franco, so I found Francine and told her to get him for me and meet me outside the church.
“Wes, you wanted to see me?”
“Franco, how is she?”
“She’s simply gorgeous.” He grinned. “You’ll get to see for yourself in a bit.”
“I know she’s gorgeous. That’s not what I meant. I mean, how is she feeling?”
“She’s feeling fine.” His eye narrowed at me.
“Fine as in she’s sure about this?”
“I’m confused, Wes. What is going on here?”
“I need you to do me one favor and one favor only. Make. Sure. She. Gets. Down. That. Aisle.”
“Oh.” He chuckled. “That’s what you’re worried about. Please, Wes, she loves you to death. She’s walking down that aisle. Trust me.”
“Okay.” I nervously nodded.
“Now go back inside the church and take your place. We’ll see you in a few.” He winked.
Anna
“Is everything okay? Francine said Wes wanted to see you. Is he having second thoughts?” I asked in a panicked tone.
“Darling, relax. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with you two. Now turn and look at yourself one last time before you become Mrs. Westin Carter. We need to make sure everything is perfect.”
I stood in front of the full-length mirror while Franco placed the veil he made me on my head.
“I will say, I do believe I outdid myself even more this time around.”
“You did, Franco. Thank you for everything.”
“You’re welcome, love. Are you ready to become Mrs. Westin Carter?” He held out his arm.
“I am.” I grinned as I hooked my arm around his.
As soon as the music began to play, Franco and I started to slowly walk down the long aisle. I gulped as I stared at my future husband, who stood there with a smile on his face. Instantly, I stopped.
“Anna, what are you doing?” Franco asked in a whisper.
“I’m sorry, Franco,” I spoke as I kissed his cheek, handed him my bouquet and kicked off my shoes.
Picking up my dress, I ran down the aisle with a smile on my face and right into the arms of my handsome husband-to-be. He laughed as he picked me up and swung me around.
“I love you.” I smiled.
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
“Are you ready to marry me?” I asked.
“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. Let’s do this.”
“Brilliant, darling. This is why I love you,” Franco whispered as he handed me my shoes and bouquet.
Our ceremony was beautiful, and after taking several wedding pictures, we headed to our reception which was held at the Mandarin Oriental. We partied the night away with our friends and family and then headed up to our honeymoon suite for a night neither one of us would ever forget. In the morning, we’d leave for our honeymoon. Two weeks of just us. No business, no phones, nothing. Just us, Bora Bora, and Bali.
Chapter 35
Six Months Later
Anna
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Francine,” I said as I grabbed my purse and walked out of the shop.
As I walked down the street to the drugstore, my belly started to flutter with nerves as I entered through the door and looked up at the signs that hung above each aisle. Found it. Aisle four. I stood in front of the shelf and looked at the vast amounts of pregnancy tests that were staring back at me. I was confused. It shouldn’t be this hard. My god, why were there so many different ones? This was ridiculous. I carefully looked at each one: digital results, rapid results, week indicator results, colored results, word results, smart countdown results. My head was spinning, for I knew nothing about pregnancy tests. I walked up to the front of the store and grabbed a small basket. Taking it back to aisle four, I grabbed a few different ones off the shelf and threw them in the basket. Then I hit the candy aisle and grabbed a couple Hershey bars, a bag of M&M’s for Wes, and a couple packs of Reese’s peanut butter cups for us to share.
As soon as I stepped into the penthouse, Wes came walking from his study.
“Did you get one?” he asked as he kissed me.
“It was overwhelming, so I got a few.” I opened the bag and showed him.
“Hmm. Do you really think you need that many?”
“I don’t know. Why not?” I smiled. “I’ll just pee on them all.”