Invisible Strings

by Aj Estelliam

  ‘Aha! Now it gets interesting! So you dated at Uni?’

  ‘I don’t think you would call it dating as most didn’t last for long.’

  ‘Why not?’ she wondered.

  ‘Because I was focused on my studies-strange as that might sound. I was so desperate to become the doctor that I had always longed to be, I spent most of my time working and the rest of the time sleeping because I was so tired.’

  ‘Oh…so it wasn’t exactly party central?’

  ‘Definitely not,’ I laughed. ‘I’m really selling myself here as a catch, right?’ I said, joking at my own expense.

  Eve smiled back at me. ‘It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch…’ she teased.

  ‘Well, I did meet a couple of women during that time who I guess would you say were brief girlfriends. As soon as it came close to being serious I would back off though.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m not entirely sure-fear of commitment maybe…unwilling to settle in a lesbian relationship perhaps…’

  ‘Blimey!’ she exclaimed. ‘Do you still have those feelings?’

  ‘No,’ I told her, shaking my head. ‘Since my parents have been gone, I’ve been very open about who I am. The trouble is, I work long hours, I’m not very social and so many women are put off by that.’

  ‘I see…’

  ‘It’s not the easiest thing to do-be in a relationship with a busy doctor.’

  ‘No-maybe not-but do you have any idea the hours I work? They’re ridiculous! Sometimes even I can’t put up with them.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, definitely. It’s really annoyed girlfriends of mine in the past who have wanted my undivided attention and then I’m being called out in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. It’s not easy, I know.’

  I looked at her closely. She was surprisingly similar to me, and it was strange for me to find someone who I felt so connected with. I didn’t experience it usually so it felt foreign to me. A slow, creeping awareness spread through my stomach as our eyes held. ‘I guess we both come with our long, varied hours then?’

  ‘I guess we do,’ she replied silkily. ‘Kind of a good match, huh?’ she suggested.

  I felt myself swallow involuntarily as our eyes held. A good match? I would have called it perfect.

  Chapter 7

  ‘So, Annie-even though it would be ‘difficult’ to have a relationship, are you looking for one?’ Eve asked.

  ‘No,’ I told her bluntly.

  ‘Oh!’ she laughed, leaning back and placing a hand to her chest. ‘Let me down gently why don’t you?’ she joked.

  I couldn’t help but smile. ‘I don’t mean I would be averse to it, but I mean I’m not actively looking. I wouldn’t know where to begin! I’m not the type to go to some bar or club and I haven’t considered meeting anyone online.’

  ‘Oh, I have! That was an experience,’ she laughed.

  ‘Oh yeah? What happened?’

  ‘Well, I joined one of these dating websites in order to meet new women. Like you, I don’t like the whole pubs and clubs scene so I decided it was a good way to meet other lesbians.’

  ‘I’m guessing it wasn’t.’

  ‘To date, no. I’ve been on three dates and each one was an absolute nightmare!’

  I chuckled to myself. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because people lie, Annie! Oh my God, people lie so, damn much!’

  ‘In what way?’ I wondered, intrigued by the woman before me.

  ‘Because none of them were who they claimed to be. The first woman-Mel-well, the picture she had posted online must have been at least ten years old!’ she said smiling. ‘The woman I met was completely different-older, larger and more…I don’t know…worn than in her picture on the internet.’

  ‘I suppose people want to sell themselves as being different to who they actually are.’

  ‘Well you can be anyone hiding behind a computer screen, can’t you? I find it a little worrying and after meeting someone who seemed slightly unstable, I decided to stop dating online.’

  ‘Unstable?’

  ‘Yes…I felt like she was slightly unhinged and was so glad I had met her in a public place. I was checking all the way home that she wasn’t following me!’

  ‘How scary!’ I exclaimed, ‘but like you say, you don’t know who you’re talking to at all!’

  ‘That’s just it.’

  ‘You’ve put me off for good now,’ I told her.

  ‘Oh sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I’m content anyway…I don’t need a partner to complete me.’

  ‘Even if she’s gorgeous, intelligent and sat right in front of you?’ Eve said softly, her eyes holding mine captive.

  I couldn’t pull my eyes from her intense gaze. The invisible strings which tugged at me deep inside were pulling desperately. I wanted to lean into her. I wanted to touch her. ‘I…’

  ‘I’m just joking with you, Annie,’ she laughed.

  ‘Oh…’

  ‘But if you were ever interested in a date or something, I’d be up for that,’ she informed me.

  ‘You would?’

  ‘Yeah, definitely. You seem like someone I’d like to get to know more.’

  ‘Why?’ I couldn’t help asking.

  ‘Because I like you,’ she said.

  ‘Why do you like me though?’ I asked, confused. I wasn’t used to people liking me much. They tolerated me, they listened to me as their doctor, but I didn’t find many people actively liking me.

  ‘I find you interesting, Annie. You’re clearly bright, intelligent and thoughtful. You care about others-you’ve proved that by coming to my aid tonight. You’re gorgeous; with stunning dark eyes and a beautiful face. I find you absorbing and attractive and I feel a connection to you which is rare.’

  I stared at her. No-one had ever complimented me quite so much in my entire life. It was surprising and pretty, damn wonderful. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ I said, embarrassed.

  ‘You don’t have to say anything, I was trying to explain why I like you. If you’re ever interested in seeing me again, I’d be more than happy to meet with you.’

  ‘I think I’d like that,’ I murmured.

  ‘Good! So, are you tired yet? I’m positively hanging!’

  ‘I’m not, no…but you sleep if you’re tired. I’m a bit of an insomniac lately.’

  ‘How come?’ she asked curiously.

  ‘I just can’t stop thinking-and it’s worst at night. My body is exhausted but my mind is just on overtime.’

  ‘You need distraction,’ she said, looking at me closely. ‘Perhaps being here with me will provide that.’

  ‘I don’t know-but I guess it’s possible.’

  ‘The other thing to is talk about it…’

  ‘I’m not good at talking.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You clearly use that as an excuse! You’ve been chatting just fine with me tonight.’

  ‘I have?’ I frowned.

  ‘Of course you have! There’s nothing wrong with you in regard to talking and sharing your feelings-you’ve just been doing it with the wrong people, clearly!’

  I looked at her closely. Was she right?

  ‘So, what’s bothering you at night? What do you think about when you lie there awake?’

  ‘I…’

  ‘Be honest. I can’t help you unless you’re honest about what you’re thinking and feeling.’

  ‘Well, at the moment it’s mainly work connected,’ I told her.

  ‘Go on…’

  ‘I…well, I can’t stop thinking about the woman I mentioned-her name is Mary. I keep thinking about her welfare and wondering if she’s okay. I keep thinking if he’s still feeding her poisonous food…’

  ‘I see. What else?’

  ‘I think about my job constantly. I think about the years of hard work that I put into a career which now seems to be for nothing if I can’t practise. I worry about the future and
how I’m going to pay the bills if I can’t be a doctor. I think about losing my house and what I would do then. I worry about being on my own too much, I think about being lonely. I worry that my head’s screwed up and I can’t think clearly and reason correctly. To top it all off, I worry that this new found psychic ability is not in fact that at all, that it’s me going mad!’ I said, breathless after gabbling away in a rush and a hurry.

  ‘Wow,’ Eve replied, on a slow breath outwards.

  ‘See-I’m screwed up,’ I told her, frowning.

  ‘You’re not screwed up, Annie,’ she said crossly, ‘you just don’t have anyone to talk to! You haven’t shared any of this with anyone, have you?’

  ‘I…no,’ I replied quietly.

  ‘Do you have friends? Other family? Anyone else you can talk to?’ she asked.

  ‘I…not really…’

  ‘Do you have anyone you see day to day to talk to?’ she wondered.

  I paused, realising the point she was trying to make. ‘No.’

  ‘You need to talk about these things, Annie! No wonder you feel like you’re going mad! You’re not by the way,’ she assured me. ‘You just have all this crap in your head and nowhere to put it! You need to talk about it, and you need to do it now. I don’t care if you’re ‘not good at talking’ or don’t like social situations. Consider me your new counsellor slash doctor. I order you to talk to me about your worries…I can help,’ she told me.

  ‘Why would you want to hear about all the horrible things going on in my head?’ I asked her.

  ‘Because they’re bothering you, sweetie. That’s what friends do. We listen to each other’s worries and troubles so that we can help.’

  ‘We’re friends now?’ I questioned.

  ‘I’d say we are! We’ve spent at least a couple of hours in each other’s company and it’s all been pleasant and happy so yes-I’d say we can safely say that we’re friends.’

  I smiled at her. ‘That actually sounds surprisingly good.’

  ‘It does, doesn’t it? So friend-start with Mary. Tell me the whole story again but with detail so that I can understand what’s going on in your head.’

  ‘Okay,’ I agreed, mainly because it felt so good to finally talk to someone about what I was thinking and feeling. Eve was right. It was good to share troubles and worries. ‘So, Mary has been my patient for a long time…I’ve seen her from time to time about very typical problems facing a woman of her age.’

  ‘How old is she?’

  ‘She’s in her nineties,’ I told her.

  ‘Okay…’

  ‘Well, there was nothing concerning me hugely for a long time. I mean, she did have some unexplained stomach problems but nothing serious so I didn’t look for further problems.’

  ‘All this changed once you touched her hand and saw the vision?’ Eve questioned.

  ‘Yes. But what if I’m just going insane? Sometimes I lie there and think I’ve just gone totally mad! Maybe I need mental help.’

  ‘Do you?’ she asked seriously.

  I looked up at her. ‘No.’

  ‘Exactly. You’re a doctor and a clever woman. If you needed help for a mental health condition, you would have recognised it in yourself and sought help, right?’

  ‘Right,’ I nodded.

  ‘Have you ever suffered from a mental health condition?’

  ‘No,’ I said, shaking my head slowly. ‘I did have a lot of grief around the time when I lost my parents, but I’ve never been diagnosed with depression connected to that.’

  ‘So, you’re of sound mind-so rationally-what is happening to you when you touch people now?’

  ‘I’m seeing visions of their life.’

  ‘Okay…’ she said slowly, ‘and being a doctor, that won’t sit well with you right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Because everything you do is based on science. You want a right and wrong-a clear answer.’

  I nodded. ‘That’s right. This doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll admit that I’ve been distrustful of so-called psychic ability but that was before I experienced it myself.’

  She held my eyes. ‘And how do you know what you see is accurate?’

  ‘I don’t,’ I answered.

  ‘But you think it is?’

  ‘I do, yes.’

  ‘Why?’ she questioned.

  ‘Because it’s so vivid-so real. I can almost feel myself in those situations and it’s so intense in that moment when I see it. I just know what I’ve seen is correct and I’ve found out that a lot of what I’ve known about people is right.’

  ‘By asking them?’ she wondered.

  ‘Sort of-more in a roundabout way.’

  She nodded. ‘And you think this happened because you were holding your mother’s hand as she passed away?’

  ‘It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it happened or how…but it has and I just have to do what I can with it.’

  ‘What about the dreams?’

  ‘The dreams have only always been about you,’ I said slowly.

  ‘Me?’ she asked, her eyes widening with surprise.

  ‘Well, yeah…I mean, I didn’t know they were about you until we met, but now I realised I was being led to you.’

  ‘Led to me? How?’

  ‘Because I kept seeing the beach and the café…I felt this tugging sensation to head out and walk towards this place which I couldn’t really ‘see’ in my mind. I was there before I even realised I had left the house. I was led to meet you, Eve. I truly believe that.’

  ‘For what purpose?’

  ‘To keep you safe,’ I told her. ‘I have to protect you.’

  ‘It sounds ludicrous, but I can see you believe it.’

  ‘I really do,’ I said softly. ‘I wouldn’t be here unless I really felt it was necessary. I’ve been hiding away at home trying to cope with what’s happening to me so I really wouldn’t be out unless I felt I needed to be.’

  ‘Are you glad you’re out now?’ she asked me quietly.

  ‘Yes, I am,’ I nodded. ‘It’s been lovely being here with you in fact.’

  She smiled happily. ‘It has, hasn’t it?’

  ‘But I do feel worried still.’

  ‘About me?’

  ‘Yes. About your safety.’

  ‘Okay-so let’s move on to the dreams…’

  I nodded. It sounded like a logical progression.

  Chapter 8

  ‘How did they start?’ Eve asked.

  ‘They’ve been coming for about a week now,’ I told her. ‘At first they were really vague.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘In that I didn’t really see anyone, any place or anything but I just felt this sense of danger…a real, tangible sense of danger all around me.’

  ‘All around you?’

  ‘Yes-but it wasn’t around me, it was around you-because I was thinking about you.’

  ‘Hang on-go back a minute because I’m confused. Is the danger you saw connected to you or me.’

  ‘You-but I felt like I was in your shoes,’ I explained.

  ‘Oh, I see…’

  ‘And as the days went on, I began to see flashes of a location-it was the beach where your parents’ café is.’

  ‘Avon Cove?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded. ‘I didn’t know it, but I could picture it. I tried finding it with internet searches but as I didn’t know the name, I couldn’t.’

  ‘How did you finally end up down there then?’ she asked.

  ‘It was like I told you-I followed a feeling and left the house without knowing it and walked and walked until I reached the beach itself.’

  ‘That’s pretty strange…’

  ‘I know. I was freaked out when I came too and I was standing on the beach itself.’

  ‘Did you know it was the beach in the dream?’

  ‘Yes, I did. I knew instantly.

  ‘And the café itself? Did that feature in the dreams too?’ she wondered.

&nb
sp; ‘It did, yes…when I saw it, I immediately headed over.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I don’t know who poses the danger, all I know is that there’s a connection to the beach, the café and mainly to you, Eve.’

  ‘I see…that’s worrying.’

  ‘I’m hoping I’ll see more as time goes on.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she murmured. ‘So, you must sleep a little in order to get to the dream state.’

  ‘A little yes-it’s the constant waking which bothers me and makes me feel so knackered all the time,’ I told her.

  ‘I can imagine.’

  ‘It’s bothered me more than I can ever explain. As a doctor I got used to lack of sleep at times, but this is different. It’s all-consuming. It’s too much.’

  ‘Because it’s all got in your head.’

  I nodded slowly.

  ‘What else?’ she asked.

  I looked over at her.

  ‘You said you worry about your job and how that affects your house and everything else?’

  ‘Yes,’ I replied, sitting back a little bit. ‘This case against me doesn’t seem to be going away as I had hoped. If I get struck off the register, I don’t have anything else to fall back on. I still have a house with a mortgage to pay for and I don’t see how I would make ends meet.’

  ‘So you depend on being a doctor?’

  ‘Well, of course! I bought a big, nice house which was reflective of what I could afford month to month-on a doctors’ salary, that was quite ample. Without it, I’m stuck…’

  ‘But you’re suspended on full-pay at the moment?’ she questioned.

  ‘That’s right, yes.’

  ‘So, you don’t need to worry about that yet. It might not even come to that!’

  I laughed, wryly. ‘Are you not getting the whole problem here with my worrying? It’s not rational or sensible…it’s completely random and irrational!’

  ‘So put on your doctor’s head and get serious! What’s the worst that could happen?’ she asked.

  ‘They sack me and I can’t work as a doctor ever again.’

  ‘Okay…so that’s worst-case scenario, yeah?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded.

  ‘So, go back a bit-what would be a bad ending but not quite as bad as losing your job and not working as a doctor?’