The Education of Sebastian & the Education of Caroline

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “First I’ve heard of it,” said Mitch, raising his eyebrows.

  “Hey! I do have one or two secrets, buddy!” replied Bill, raising a bottle of beer in salute. “So, what else do you like taking photographs of, Caroline?”

  “You mean other than pictures of fine figures of men like you, Bill?” laughed Shirley.

  “Too right!” said Bill, flexing his biceps. “You want to take some photos of me, Caroline? Private photographs? Anytime, honey—but you’ll need a long lens!”

  I laughed, trying to seem as if I was enjoying the joke. It was kind of hard when Sebastian looked like was about to punch Bill.

  “I do like taking photographs of people,” I said, trying to change the direction of the embarrassing conversation, “but when they’re not aware I’m watching—just candids of people carrying on with their lives. I’m not into landscapes that much—I always admired people like Robert Capa and Cartier-Bresson and…”

  “Oh, I love it when you talk French to me, Caroline!” said Bill, winking at me.

  This was getting beyond embarrassing.

  Ches’s head was swiveling between Bill and Sebastian as if he was watching some sort of tennis match.

  I saw Shirley throw Bill a warning look. His only reply was to smirk at her and take another swig of beer.

  I wondered if he was deliberately trying to wind up Sebastian. Heaven forbid, but it seemed to be some sort of open secret that Sebastian liked me. It was obvious from the way that everyone’s eyes were drawn to him whenever I became the subject of conversation that they knew something. Thankfully no one had guessed that his feelings were more than reciprocated.

  I wanted to shake him or send him for acting lessons or something that made it less damn obvious how he felt about me.

  Not only did it make me anxious, but it made me question how successful my own attempts were to act like I didn’t notice him, or didn’t give a damn. The whole thing was giving me a headache and I longed for the picnic to be over. It really wasn’t living up to its billing of a ‘fun day’.

  I began to have quite violent thoughts toward Donna—I wished more than anything that I hadn’t accepted her misplaced kindness and instead gotten here in my own car.

  The mountain of food continued to diminish and Donna was just encouraging me to serve up the lemon polenta cake when I became aware that the eyes of every male in our group had swung to a spot just behind my right shoulder.

  “Hi, everyone,” said a female voice.

  “Hi, Brenda,” said Ches, his tone friendly but cautious.

  I saw him glance at Sebastian.

  Oh. The ex-girlfriend.

  Brenda Wiseman was undeniably lovely: a perfect, willowy figure, super-straight blonde hair that she flicked restlessly over her shoulders, pale blue eyes and the smallest bikini I’d ever seen outside of a men’s magazine. Irritatingly, she certainly had the figure to wear it to its best advantage.

  While everyone stared at Brenda, Bill’s eyes about popping out of his head and Donna’s lips pursed in apparent distaste, I saw Sebastian glance nervously toward me. I dropped my eyes to the polenta cake and continued to cut it, gripping the handle of the cake slice tightly. It was bad timing on Brenda’s part that I happened to have a weapon too conveniently at hand.

  “Hi, Sebastian,” she said.

  “Hi.”

  His reply was short and unenthusiastic.

  I couldn’t help wondering if that was solely for my benefit.

  She hesitated for a moment, as if waiting for an invitation. When none was forthcoming, she sat down next to him anyway, stretching out her long tan legs and leaning back on her hands.

  “I haven’t seen you since graduation.”

  Sebastian stared at the sand. It was clear he had no clue how to handle this.

  It was quite funny—if you weren’t me.

  “Where have you been hanging?” she persisted, her voice unnaturally cheery.

  I wondered if she’d been rehearsing.

  “I’ve been busy.”

  “Ches said you guys had got jobs out at the country club,” she prompted him.

  Sebastian glared at Ches who guiltily shrugged his shoulders.

  “So, what do you do there?”

  “Lifeguarding,” replied Ches quickly, “and some waiting on tables when they’re short-staffed.”

  “Cool!” said Brenda, flicking her hair over her shoulders again.

  I wanted to leap across the barbecue pit and make her eat sand.

  The men looked amused as Sebastian became increasingly and obviously uncomfortable, his cheeks reddening with each awkward second. Shirley and Donna looked sympathetic and politely tried to maintain a separate conversation. I hated to think what expression was leaking out onto my face.

  “Hey, you cut your hair,” said Brenda, reaching out to run one hand across the nape of his neck.

  I wanted to snap her fingers off at the wrist.

  Sebastian flinched away from her and looked annoyed. I hoped that Brenda would take the hint but she hadn’t deployed her primary weapons yet.

  “Well, it suits you,” she said, hitching up her bikini top.

  I could have sworn her tits had magnets attached to them the way the men’s eyes seemed to be drawn toward her impressive cleavage. Even Sebastian’s.

  “Although I always liked your hair long; but then you already knew that, didn’t you?”

  “I cut my hair, too,” said Ches in a farcical attempt to protect his friend from Brenda’s relentless onslaught.

  She glanced at him with humiliating brevity.

  “Nice.”

  “Have you decided where you’re going to school in the Fall?” said Stefan, trying to attract her attention.

  “I’ve been accepted at UCLA—and UCSD,” she said, her eyes fixed on Sebastian.

  “You should go to UCLA,” said Stefan. “It’s a really great school. What’s your major?”

  But she completely ignored him and he crashed in flames, much to his brother’s amusement. Brenda drew up her knees and nudged Sebastian’s arm with her thigh.

  “Can we talk?” she said softly.

  “I thought you’d be talking to Jack,” he said, coolly.

  She blushed.

  “Please, Sebastian? In private.”

  The sudden timidity in her voice made me look up. She was staring at Sebastian, a worried little pucker between her eyebrows. I had to hand it to her: she was good. And she had guts. She was making a very public statement that she still had feelings for him. In fact, speaking from recent experience, I’d say she was crazy about him.

  The burn of jealousy in my throat got worse, running all the way down to my gut. She was gorgeous, sweet, rather brave, extremely determined, and had her eyes on the prize. Oh, and they were the same age. She was perfect for him; she was the sort of girl he ought to be with—assuming she wasn’t really the man-eating tramp she seemed to be channeling.

  It was unfair of me to hold onto him; it was wrong.

  I felt my eyes began to fill with tears; I hoped I was near enough to the smoking barbecue pit to have a believable excuse.

  I waited for Sebastian to tell her there was nothing to talk about.

  Except he didn’t.

  He pushed himself to his feet in one graceful move.

  “Okay,” he muttered.

  I don’t know if he looked at me, because my gaze was locked on that damn cake—I’d never be able to eat lemon polenta ever again.

  “She’s a nice girl,” said Shirley sympathetically, as Brenda walked away with Sebastian. “I was so surprised when they broke up.” She glanced at Ches, who wouldn’t meet his mother’s eyes, “I don’t know what happened between them.”

  I stabbed the cake viciously.

  “She’s a hottie!” declared Stefan.

  “I remember when she was skinny and wore braces,” said Kurt. “Now look at the size of those bazookas!”

  “Kurt!” said Donna in a warning voice.

&n
bsp; Mitch and Bill laughed.

  I handed around the cake, a painful smile plastered to my face. I told myself that it was wrong to watch Sebastian and Brenda and that I wouldn’t try to see what was happening—it was just coincidence that when I sat down again after helping everyone to cake, I had a clear view.

  From what I could see she was using every trick in her well-thumbed manual. Nice girl, my ass!

  She pretended to stagger slightly, losing her balance so she could bump against him and take his arm; she played with the strap of her bikini to draw his gaze and show him what he didn’t necessarily have to go on missing. Then she tossed her hair over her shoulder and tucked a strand behind her ear. I was desperate to know what they were saying. Sebastian was shaking his head and she was standing too close and stroking his arm. Then they seemed to be arguing. She was pleading with him, her arms outstretched; he was shaking his head vehemently, his hands on his hips. I don’t know how it happened but then she had her arms wrapped around his neck, her cheek on his bare chest, and he was holding her, rocking her gently, the same way he’d held me last night.

  “I’ve got ten bucks says we won’t be seeing Seb till tomorrow morning,” said Stefan, gesturing obscenely with his hands.

  “You won’t get any takers on that bet!” laughed Kurt. “She’s all over him!”

  Ches looked disgusted, and threw the remains of his sandwich into the fire pit.

  “Boys!” said Donna in a warning voice.

  I’d seen enough. Seen enough and heard enough.

  “Caroline? Are you going somewhere?”

  Donna’s attention was directed back to me.

  I smiled stiffly, forcing the words out.

  “I’m just going to go and take some more photographs before I lose the light—I want to make sure I’ve got everything covered.” And to get the hell away from all of this.

  I wandered along the beach, feeling numb even though traitorous tears were leaking from my eyes. I snapped photographs at random, barely aware of what I was looking at. There was only one picture in my head—the one where Sebastian held his ex-girlfriend. His beautiful, sexy, young ex-girlfriend.

  I was angry, damn it! So it seemed my hypocrisy knew no bounds. I was angry because Sebastian had left me and gone off with Brenda—the slut who’d screwed his friend Jack. Yes, I was cheating on my husband; yes, I was an unfaithful wife. But I’d risked everything for Sebastian—everything. The life I’d known, jail time, a record—for fuck’s sake.

  I had to watch him walk away and smile and smile while he played the villain. I was choked with jealousy and anger and more hurt than I could easily take.

  I found myself at the ocean’s edge. The tide had turned and was beginning its slow journey back across the sun-warmed sand. The gentle lapping of water at my feet was soothing. I let my mind wander among the dizzying memories of the last three weeks—a ridiculously short amount of time during the course of a life. And yet … and yet I had never felt so alive: fear—as much as hope—had colored those weeks but I realized I didn’t have to go on like that.

  I had expected too much from Sebastian: it wasn’t fair. He was so young … too young to be expected to take on everything I represented, with all my ridiculous insecurities and emotional baggage. If I truly cared for him, I would make it easy for him to go. Of course, it didn’t seem as if he’d need my blessing, the way Brenda had clung to him and the way he’d held her, too.

  Much as my body, my whole being ached for his touch, I had a revelation—I was strong enough to make it on my own. He’d shown me how to be strong. Perhaps he’d given me his own strength: I didn’t know. One thing was certain—I couldn’t be with David anymore. And if Sebastian didn’t want me, there was no reason for me to stay.

  But it hurt. It hurt badly. I’d opened myself to the possibility of love and now love had slapped me down. Down, but not out: not quite.

  I felt a dull tearing inside my chest—part of my heart was breaking, knowing that in all probability I wouldn’t see Sebastian again. I took a deep breath and stared toward the horizon: time for me to grow up at last.

  I glanced at my watch. I hoped Donna was ready to leave because I needed to get over to City Beat and drop off the films. Oh, and pick up David’s dry-cleaning. I quailed at the thought of facing him, or rather, telling him that I was leaving. I needed to clear my head and think how I was going to do that. Just thinking about it made me feel sick. So much for being strong! I was definitely going to have to work up to it. Somehow.

  By the time I’d wandered back to the barbecue pit, Donna and Shirley were alone, slowly packing up the remains of the food—women’s work, it seemed. I hurried to help them.

  “Did you get all your pictures?” asked Donna.

  “Yes, I think so. Are you heading back now? It’s just I need to drop these films in at City Beat?”

  “Tonight?” Donna was surprised. “The paper doesn’t go out until Thursday.”

  “I know, but the editor asked for them, so…”

  “Well, Shirley and I are heading back now anyway. The boys are getting a ride with Mitch. I expect they’ll be rather late.”

  She raised her eyebrows and shook her head in a way that suggested boys will be boys.

  With everything piled into Donna’s station wagon we drove away from the beach. I glanced once over my shoulder; the sun had begun its slow descent toward the horizon. I don’t know what I was looking for—a soft hiss of steam as the sun touched the sea, or perhaps a glimpse of someone silhouetted on the sand. Of course, there was neither.

  It felt like the end of something, but maybe it was a beginning, too.

  “That went well, didn’t it?” said Donna, cheerfully.

  For a moment I couldn’t think what she was talking about. Oh, the fun day. Right. So much fun.

  My lonely thoughts burned like acid. I was so stupid to have expected anything different.

  Shirley smiled. “Yes, I think everyone had a good time. Of course, the boys are planning on extending the fun. I hope Mitch keeps an eye on them.”

  I didn’t want to think how Sebastian might be extending the fun at this very moment.

  Donna smiled, “I’m sure he will.”

  For a moment I wasn’t sure if she was answering my unspoken thoughts.

  “Hmm, well, he won’t let them drink too much, but I dare say there’ll be a few sore heads in the morning. Mitch did say that there was a possibility they were going to sleep in the van tonight if they didn’t make it back; although I’m not sure how they’ll all fit now Stefan and Kurt are with them.”

  Donna shook her head and smiled. “I doubt they’ll care. You know what they’re like when they all get together.” Then her serious look was back. “Although they really shouldn’t be drinking on the beach—Chester is still under age. And Sebastian. And that other boy—Fido.”

  Shirley laughed. “Don’t you remember when you were that age, Donna? You’ve told me you bent a few rules in your time—in fact, I distinctly remember you saying that Johan climbed in your dormitory at that private girls’ school of yours.”

  I threw a surprised look at Donna. She was a lovely lady, but she’d always struck me as rather formal.

  “Oh, yes,” said Shirley, smiling at me, “Donna has her fair share of secrets, don’t you?”

  “You’ll be giving Caroline the wrong impression of me.”

  “Or the right one,” laughed Shirley. “Yes, Johan used to climb into her dormitory to steal a kiss or two. She nearly got expelled, didn’t you, Donna?!”

  “Yes, I admit it all,” smiled Donna.

  “Well, now you know where your boys get their wild streak from,” said Shirley with a wink.

  “Yes, well … and who would you say Chester takes after?”

  “His father!” asserted Shirley. Then she sighed. “I don’t know who Sebastian takes after—luckily the poor boy isn’t like either of his parents. I sometimes wonder if Donald is really his father.”

  “Shirley
!” said Donna, looking shocked.

  “Well, you’ve said yourself he doesn’t take after either of them—he certainly doesn’t look like either of them. Then there’s Estelle’s reputation. And it would explain why they’re always so ghastly toward him.”

  “Well,” said Donna, quietly, “I don’t think we should speculate on that. Not without facts.”

  Shirley shrugged and for a moment there was an awkward silence in the car.

  “You’re very quiet, Caroline. Are you okay?” asked Donna, her eyes inquiring.

  “Just thinking about the week ahead,” I replied, my words deliberately bland.

  The week. The month. The rest of my life.

  In truth, I’d been fascinated to hear Shirley’s speculation about Sebastian’s heritage. I wondered if there was any shred of truth in it, or perhaps it was just the useless, baseless gossip that percolated through so many military facilities.

  With a painful jolt I reminded myself that in all reality, it wasn’t any of my business; Sebastian wasn’t any of my business. But I couldn’t resist torturing myself a little more.

  “What happened to Sebastian this evening?” I said, innocently, while nearly choking on my words. “They’d all vanished by the time I came back.”

  “I think he left with Brenda,” said Shirley, confirming the thoughts that tormented me.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” disagreed Donna. “He was talking to Chester for a while, wasn’t he? Or was it before that girl arrived? I thought she was rather … underdressed.”

  I definitely agreed with that point of view. Tramp.

  Shirley smiled. “All the young girls dress like that, Donna. And, frankly, if she wanted to catch Sebastian’s attention, which she obviously did, she certainly went about it the right way!” She paused. “Although, to be fair, I was a little surprised; she’d always seemed rather sweet when they were dating, hardly the siren of today’s little show and tell. But who knows: they’re probably off having mad, passionate sex behind the pier.”

  I could have quite cheerfully stuck Shirley’s head in the passenger door and slammed it several times. It wasn’t that she was saying anything I hadn’t been thinking, but to hear it confirmed by a third party was a new source of humiliation and hurt.