Dex stares at me for a moment before he puts the spatula down. “You should probably eat first,” he says, gesturing to the bacon.
“Not hungry.”
“Please,” he says. “You’re losing weight.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes, because there’s no way in hell that I’m too skinny, but I get what he’s saying. I get that he’s worried. Beyond worried.
“Fine,” I say, but only to appease him. “I’ll eat first. We have a bit of time, I guess.”
The bacon does smell good and it tastes good too, as do the fried eggs, but I only manage a few bites before I give the rest of the bacon to the dog and leave the table to get changed into my workout gear.
Dex walks with me to the gym, always my shadow, choosing to do weights while I take my class. I’m not able to give it my all as I normally do, but it doesn’t really matter. I just want to blank out for a bit. Eventually the endorphins appear, just enough to take the edge off, and I climb off the bike a sweaty mess.
Of course, there’s no way in hell I’m taking a shower at the gym this time.
So I wait around, walking on the treadmill until Dex is done lifting the million pounds as he normally does, both impressing and pissing off the steroid jocks who watch him in awe, and then we leave.
On the walk back I’m only feeling marginally better. The weather turned moody and misty while we were in there, and I swear I feel it swirling around in my lungs, turning into black smoke. It takes everything in me to try and hang onto those endorphins that are quickly fading.
Dex holds my hand the whole entire way, letting me know he’s there, that he’s not letting go of me. It helps. I keep looking over my shoulder, thinking I’ll see Samantha and her demon, but I don’t. The world around us seems normal, even though I know it’s not.
Then we pass by a young couple pushing a baby stroller, cooing and smiling at their child as they go.
It takes everything inside me not to burst into tears. I feel that emptiness inside me returning, scooping me out until I’m carved bare. I have to bite my lip until it bleeds in order to hold it together.
And I look up at Dex.
He’s not looking at the couple, or the stroller, or the baby.
He’s looking straight ahead with the most determined look in his eyes, a look that sends chills through me, that fills my hollow places with fear that I won’t be able to shake.
We get into the apartment and I know I have to face it head on.
I hang up my coat and watch as Dex goes straight into the kitchen to start cleaning the frying pan.
I take in a deep breath.
“So should we start looking for houses today?” I ask him, trying to keep my voice light.
I watch him carefully as he pauses for a moment before continuing to scrub. “Not sure that’s such a good idea.”
I feel like there’s a fist over my heart, threatening to squeeze.
“Why not?” I ask, coming over to him.
He pinches his eyes shut for a moment, breathing in deep through his nose. Swallows. “Perry…”
“Why not?”
He brings his eyes over to mine and I can see how hard he’s trying to be patient with me. “We need to put that on hold. You understand that. I know you do.”
I shake my head, giving him a shaky smile. “But you said yesterday you wanted to sell this place and—”
“I know what I said,” he says quickly, eyes flashing. “That was yesterday. This is today.”
“But nothing has changed.”
If looks could kill. “You don’t remember last night? The things you said?”
“In response to the thing you did!” I suddenly yell, the words ripping through me. Fat Rabbit hops off the couch and runs into the den. “I knew this wasn’t over! I could feel it!”
“It’s far from over. You aren’t well, Perry,” he says, words breaking softly, his eyes searching my face. “You’re losing yourself, and on top of it, we have a fucking witch who is coming for you with her demon in tow. House hunting is the least of my concerns right now. That shit has to wait.”
“But change could be good. It could fix everything.”
“It will fix nothing.” His tone is pure steel. “You know that. We need to focus on you right now, not the future, not anything else but you and getting you well, making sure that you can’t hurt yourself, that she can’t hurt you either.”
I shake my head, not understanding. “What makes you think I’d hurt myself?” I ask quietly.
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and I know he’s thinking back to when he saw the dead version of me trying to pull myself into the bathtub. Was that a ghost of me from the future, a me that killed herself? Was that Samantha in disguise? Or was that my own subconscious brought to life?
What if Dex is right, and I’m as dangerous to myself as Samantha is?
“I’m really, really worried about you,” he goes on. “I don’t know what is going on in that head of yours, you’ve closed yourself off, I can see that you’re drowning in it. You’re scared, and I’m scared too, okay? I’m fucking so scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, I don’t know if I can save you, save us. It’s like every minute that goes by I feel like I’m closer to losing you.”
“Maybe we could just…go away somewhere,” I say feebly.
“We’re not going anywhere. And we’re not moving.”
“But it could be the apartment.”
“And you know that it’s not! You know that this is happening to you, to us, no matter where the fuck we go. We should have never gone in that fucking house!” He takes the frying pan and, in a fit of rage, smashes it on the counter, cracking it down the middle.
I gasp. Stunned at his strength and his anger. I’ve never seen him do anything like that before.
He leans over the sink, the muscles in his arms straining, chest heaving. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, and he sounds so broken. “I’m sorry, I’m just so fucking…angry. Not at you, at myself. For not listening to my instincts. I just didn’t want to listen, I couldn’t…”
My mouth goes dry. “What instincts?” I whisper.
“The instincts that told me this was a bad idea.”
“What’s a bad idea? Moving?”
He gives a stiff shake of his head. “No. Not moving.”
“What?” I go over to him, gripping his arm. “What, Dex?”
He turns his head to me, slowly meeting my eyes. I can see everything in them, feel everything in them. All the anger and so much fucking pain, that I know what he’s talking about.
“You don’t want to have a baby anymore?” I say, my voice barely above a whisper, my heart bleeding in my throat.
Please don’t let that be it, please don’t let that be it.
Please.
But I know wishing it won’t make it go away.
Especially when Dex seems to collapse in front of my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he manages to say, eyes watering.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut, hard enough to bring my hands to my stomach, pressing them in like I’ll lose everything if I don’t.
But I’m already losing everything.
“Perry,” he says, reaching for me but I stumble backward, needing him to stay away.
“No,” I whisper, still hunched over, trying to breathe. “No. Please don’t do this Dex. Don’t change your mind. Don’t do this to us.”
“I have to,” he cries out softly. “Don’t you see? I have to put my foot down. I have to say no…we can’t do this. A baby…I want a baby so badly, I want a family, I want it all, but we can’t. We just can’t.”
The pain keeps coming, a million knives slicing me through the heart, draining me, adding to the emptiness that keeps growing and growing. “Now? Or ever?”
“We can’t have a baby, Perry,” he says quietly.
“Now, or is this forever!?” I scream at him, lashing out, every part of me shaking to the core.
; “I don’t know!” he yells back, a tear escaping the corner of his eye. “I don’t know, okay?!” He runs his hands over his face, shaking his head. “Don’t you think this is going to happen every single time?” he says into his hands. “Maybe this is a sign. Maybe everyone else was right.”
“You told me you wanted this more than anything!” I sob.
He rips his hands away from his face, his cheeks red. “I do!” he yells in anguish. “I do, but not more than I want you! I’m not doing this at the expense of my wife! I’m not losing you and that’s all there is to it.”
“That’s all there is to it?” I repeat. “This would complete us.”
“No,” he says, grabbing my shoulders, his fingers digging into my skin as his eyes wildly search mine. “No. My life cannot be complete without you in it, Perry.” He swallows thickly, another tear running down his face, which causes the tears to run down mine. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I am so, so sorry but I will not risk you in this.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
I back up and Dex reaches for me but I slip past him, heading to the bathroom.
“Leave me alone,” I say through a choked sob, going in and closing the door behind me. I start stripping off my gym clothes, tears blurring my vision. I’m aware that I’m in the bathroom alone, that I closed the door on Dex, that I’m at my most vulnerable right now, but I don’t are. Not even a little. Samantha can have me now if she wants, she can take me over. I almost welcome it. I’m so useless now as it is. I have nothing to offer this world anymore.
And yet, as I turn on the shower and get in the tub, I know she’s not coming for me here. Not now. It’s just me. All alone. Just me and that darkness pressing down from above, pressing and pressing and pressing until the light inside me is snuffed out.
Who needs demons when you’ve got your own inside you?
I collapse to the bottom of the tub, overwhelmed by grief, overtaken by the dark, wanting everything to be over. I’m mourning a baby I once had, a baby that was ours and taken from me, now I’m mourning the loss of the next one, taken before it even had a chance to begin.
There is no light in this madness, there is no light in this darkness.
“Perry?” Dex’s voice breaks through my sobs as they ravage my body, echoing off the tiles. The water streams down on my side as I’m curled in the fetal position, my fingers clawing at the base of the tub.
I hear the door close and the sound of him running over.
“Shit,” he murmurs.
Next thing I know he’s getting in the tub with me, fully clothed, the water raining down on both of us. He sits up, pulling my back up against his chest. He wraps his arms around me tightly, holding on as if for dear life, his mouth at my ear.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to me, crying too. He presses his hand against my head, holding me in place as he gently rocks us back and forth in the falling water. “Please don’t hate me. Don’t hate me.” He kisses my ear. “Don’t leave me.”
I continue to cry, the sobs hurting my ribs, until I’m practically screaming. It’s ugly and it’s messy and I cry for everything I’ve lost and everything I will lose.
Including Dex.
Including myself.
Nineteen
“Perry?” Dr. Leivo asks.
I look up from the Reader’s Digest I’ve been staring blankly at, wondering where the time went. It feels like Dex dropped me off seconds ago and I just sat down in the waiting room, but from the gentle sound of the doctor’s voice, I have a feeling she’s been calling me for a while.
“Hi,” I say quietly, getting to my feet and heading into her office. I feel the receptionist’s eyes on me, probably seeing how close I am to shattering.
To be honest, I didn’t even think I’d make it this far. I was so certain yesterday that Samantha was going to come for me with the demon by her side. When Dex held me in the shower, I think that was maybe the lowest point of my entire life, and if it wasn’t for him there, I don’t know what would have happened. Maybe she would have come. Or maybe it would have been worse.
Maybe the danger would have been myself.
After that, I slept. I slept all day and all night, with Dex watching over me the whole time. At least in my dreams I was safe, and while he protected me the best he could, I also know that at some point, his protection won’t matter.
But I’m here now. I’ve made it this far.
Barely.
It’s early afternoon and, even after sleeping so much, I feel exhausted to my marrow. Coffee doesn’t help, nothing helps. I’m held together with unraveling string.
“Have a seat,” Lana says to me softly, as she closes the door.
I gingerly sit down on the couch, wringing my hands together, as if that will help me stay whole.
“Perry,” she says gently. “Look at me.”
I look up from my hands as she takes the seat across from me, leaning in close, her elbows on her knees.
“Something has happened to you,” she says after a moment, her expression strained as she takes me in.
For a horrible moment I think she’s going to tell me that I’m crazy, that I’m beyond her expertise, that I should be committed just like my grandmother was.
Then she holds out her palm in offering.
I stare at it for a moment, then up at her warm face, then gingerly lift my hand and place it in hers.
She grasps it, just tight enough, and I feel a hot current flow from her palm to mine, warming me to the core.
“Let me in,” she says softly, her eyes imploring mine. “Let me in your head, in your thoughts. Let me help you.”
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that she’s going to see everything, even the ugly bits I never tell her. I’m afraid that she’ll see my soul and what I’m made of and find out that I’m not made of much at all.
But with the last ounce of strength that I have, the last thread of hope, I push that fear to the side.
I close my eyes.
And I mentally move back the walls. They’re heavy and they don’t want to move and I have to keep pushing at them, so used to trying to keep people out.
I let her in.
I feel her too, this presence, like the black has lifted just a bit, and a beam of light and warmth has been able to sneak past. It settles inside my head, pushing things around, not unpleasant, but not quite comfortable either.
This goes on for a few minutes, my body tense, wondering when she’ll find what she’s looking for.
Then suddenly it all withdraws.
I open my eyes to see her staring at me with a pained expression, swallowing hard.
“I’m so sorry Perry,” she says to me, squeezing my hand. “No one should have to go through any of that.”
I clear my throat, feeling strangely emotional over that experience. “What did you see?” I ask, noticing her eyes are watering. She’s emotional too, first time I’ve seen her like this.
She pulls her hand out of mine and looks up at the ceiling, delicately running her fingers under her eyes to make sure the tears aren’t falling. “I saw everything.”
“I think you know me better than my husband does now,” I comment.
She gives a slight shake of her head and looks at me, a soft smile curving her lips. “No. He knows you better than you know yourself. That much is true and will never change.”
“But he can’t protect me now,” I tell her. “No one can.”
Lana sighs and sits back in her chair, looking me over. “This isn’t quite true. But we’ll come back to that. First, we have to look at what’s really happening here. Where this all started…the want for a child.”
My heart beats heavily in my chest, feeling waterlogged. “Is it so wrong to want that?”
“No,” she says. “It’s natural. It’s normal. Maybe not for everyone, but for most people I would think.”
“Do you want kids?” I ask.
She waves her left hand at me. “Got to find a
man first. But I’m not looking for either right now. And as much as I would love to tell you all about my personal life, we have to focus on you. We have to work through this. And in the end I think I might be able to help you, if you keep an open mind and do as I say.”
For the first time in weeks, I’m properly intrigued.
Dare I say, hopeful.
“Perry, you wanting a baby as much as you do is normal. We’ve talked about this before. But you are not normal. You know this. I know this. Dex knows this. You are a very powerful woman, yes just as Samantha has said. She wasn’t lying to you about that. In fact, she’s never really lied to you…just purposely twisted the truth to suit her own needs. But we’ll come to that later. I have a lot to say about her.” She pauses, crossing her legs.
“How do you know that about her?”
“I’ll get to that. There’s so much to unpack here that we have to move quickly. We don’t have a lot of time.” I nod, vowing myself to shut up. She continues. “Back to the baby. Back to your abilities, your power, your energy. You can manifest and create things with ease, and you don’t even know it. Your need and want for the baby attracted so much energy to you because you feel things so incredibly deeply. You’re not just a magnet for your husband, you’re a magnet for others. Samantha took advantage of that need. Everything that happened was because of her.”
She’s right about that. Even poor Harry was compelled by her from beyond the grave to bring us into the house.
“Your need made her seek you out. She has a need too, to be free of her curse. It attracted Maximus to the house. He has a similar need, to be free of the Veil.”
“But Jacob brought Maximus back.”
“Did you ask him why now? If he’s been dead three years, why now? Jacob was fulfilling something, brought on by your need. It’s all connected. All of it. Even we’re connected.”
“How?” I ask her, but then I fill in the blanks. “We’ll get to that later, right?”
She gives me a quick smile. “I know Dex thinks that this will happen every time you want to have a baby. I don’t think that’s the case. I think things got out of hand because you kept it bottled up inside for too long, and when you were finally honest with him, it was too late. It was all in motion.”
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