I Am Free

by Regina Bartley

  A shift in gazes from around the table, made me snap my head around to see what everyone was staring at.

  Fuck me.

  She was here. Grace was here. Kennedy and her were walking through the crowd of people and over to our table.

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

  Jokes were being tossed around about her, and I flinched with their hurtful words. But I didn’t say anything. I listened as they continued.

  “What is she wearing?” I heard.

  “She must be looking for her sheep.” Someone else said.

  “She can’t be serious.” I heard Holly say, joining in.

  Still, I said nothing.

  Kennedy and Grace walked up to the table. I glanced nervously down at Holly’s back, and then back around the table. I could tell now that the guys were finally seeing Grace’s face. They were seeing how beautiful she really was, but that wouldn’t stop the jokes.

  “Hey guys.” Kennedy said.

  People were still snickering and staring with their eyes wide.

  “Hey Kennedy,” Holly said with a thick mean girl accent. “You helping Little Bo Peep find her sheep?” She laughed, and so did the rest of the table.

  I should have pushed her off my lap. I should have told her to shut the hell up. I probably should have even defended Grace, but I didn’t. I just sat there. I made a quick glance in Grace’s direction and could see her eyes focused on my arm, the same arm that was around Holly’s waist. I jerked my head around quickly.

  “Hey Jackson.” Grace said to me in a quiet voice. It was just loud enough that only Holly and me could hear it. I couldn’t look up. I didn’t have the fucking balls to look up. Everyone was laughing at her. I gave her a quick head nod but didn’t bring my eyes anywhere near her face.

  I felt Holly lean into me closer when Grace said my name. She was obviously staking claim to me as if she had to worry about Grace. I knew that there was an attraction between Grace and me, but I wasn’t about to commit social suicide, at least not in front of anyone.

  “Don’t be jealous Holly. It doesn’t suit you.” Kennedy replied.

  “Why the hell would I be jealous? I mean look at her.” Holly spouted as she pointed in Grace’s direction. Her voice rang loudly over the room, and caused unnecessary attention.

  “Maybe because she doesn’t have to get her blonde hair from a bottle, or maybe it’s because she’s not even wearing makeup and she’s prettier than you’ll ever be.”

  I felt Holly’s body tense against mine. She squeezed my thigh hard like she wanted me to step in and say something.

  Oh hell no.

  She got herself into that mess, and I wasn’t about to start a fight with my sister.

  “Grace,” Kennedy said loudly. “These are the ass holes,” she waved her arms around the table. “And Ass holes,” she was talking to us as a crowd. “This is Grace. Come on Grace. Let’s go. I will introduce you to some people with class.” Kennedy grabbed Grace’s arm and pulled her away.

  There was still a smile on her face. Even after the way Holly had spoken to her, and the way everyone else laughed at her. She was still smiling. I felt bad. I felt like the ass hole that Kennedy said I was.

  But I didn’t feel bad enough to chase after her and apologize.

  Holly turned around to me and gave me the meanest look. I just shrugged my shoulders, and didn’t say another word. I tipped up my glass, and finished off the entire thing.

  I left Holly at the table sulking while I walked off to the bathroom. I’d already finished two glasses of whiskey and some nasty shot of something. I was unsteady on my feet. When I made it to the edge of the dance floor I found myself drawn to the blonde by the bar. Looking harder I realized it was Grace. She and Kennedy were standing there at the corner talking to a couple of guys. It was harmless, but I could feel a twinge of jealousy inside me. I didn’t want anyone else talking to Grace. Not only that, they were laughing. Not at her like I had done. They were laughing with her as if she’d told a funny joke. Was she funny?

  I let out a loud groan and ran my fingers through my hair as I stomped off to the bathroom. There were too many emotions running through me, and I didn’t know what to make of them all. I had no right to be jealous. I couldn’t even explain to myself why I’d even felt that way to begin with.

  I splashed some cool water on my face from the sink in the bathroom. All I wanted to do was go home. Or go home with Holly. Actually, that plan sounded a lot better.

  Stepping out of the bathroom, I started walking back to the table. Well, that was what my intentions were, but I found myself walking straight towards Kennedy and Grace. The two guys eyed me curiously when I stepped up in between the two girls. My face was hard and my eyes glared at them. I was so angry with them that I couldn’t see straight. I wanted to stack claim here and tell them to walk out those doors and never look back, but I didn’t.

  “Problem?” One of the guys said to me. I bit down hard on my lip to keep myself together. I didn’t like these assholes. Not one, single, bit.

  “There’d better not be, seeing as you’re talking to my girls.” I spat out.

  Kennedy sighed. “Seriously Jackson. Go away.” She whispered in my ear.

  “You know this guy?” The prick asked Kennedy.

  “You could say that.” She paused. “He’s my brother.”

  I could see the look on the guys face turn from frigid dickhead to sincere schoolboy.

  Yep. That’s right buddy. I’m the big bad brother. What are you going to do now?

  “He was just leaving.” Kennedy groaned. She turned to face me and put her finger on my chest. “Go home Jackson. You’re drunk. I’m old enough to take care of myself. Don’t think I don’t know exactly why you’re acting like an idiot. I’m not stupid, and I’m not going to say it out loud.” Her eyes narrowed and I could see an understanding in them. She understood me better than I did at that moment. “Now walk your drunk ass back to your table with you girlfriend, and leave us alone. Better yet Jack, go home.” She gave me a hard shove backwards and I stumbled barely able to stand.

  I looked over at Grace and saw pain on her face. Was it my fault? She looked kind of sad and she was fidgeting. I probably looked so stupid in front of her.

  “Fine,” I yelled out and walked away. I walked away and left them there with those guys even though every part of me didn’t want to.

  Grabbing Holly by the wrist, I pulled her close to me.

  “Take me to your place.” I said in a low whisper.

  “Lead the way.”

  13

  Grace

  I had no idea what just happened, but it scared me a bit. We were just talking to these guys and Jackson made such a scene. He’d obviously had way too much to drink. Kennedy knew just how to handle him because with a few words she was able to get him to leave. Not just us, but he left the entire bar. I watched him as he left with Holly under his arm. I didn’t ask Kennedy about her, but I wanted to. It was obvious that Holly and Jackson was a couple.

  Kennedy took up for me when Holly and the rest of the table were laughing at me, but I later told her that it wasn’t necessary. She didn’t have to come to my defense, because I never cared what anyone thought of me. Maybe it was years of obedience that my parents hammered into my brain. Looks were never an issue, and neither were materialistic things. We’d always been looked at differently back home. Even in the grocery store, people would laugh and point. My mom always told me to hold my head high. That being different was okay. As long as we didn’t have a problem with it, then no one else should either. I guess what she said always stuck with me. Sometimes situations would become uncomfortable just like earlier tonight when we stood at the table with all the “ass-holes” as Kennedy called them. I kept a smile on my face so that they would know that their words were petty, that they didn’t bother me at all. The only thing that did bother me was the way that Jackson acted. It was as if he didn’t know who I was. I shrugged it off. I thought maybe
because Kennedy was so excepting of me, that maybe he would be too. I was completely wrong. I suppose he only wanted to be friends with me when no one was looking, or when he needed something.

  I wanted to laugh at the thought. I wanted to just say grow up, and was glad when Kennedy had pulled me away from them.

  The guys that we’d been talking to seemed not to care. They were very nice. Kennedy made it so easy for me. She introduced me and did most of the talking. I was never uneasy or pressured, and they were both very nice. Too be honest, I thought maybe they were a whole lot older than Jackson and his friends because they didn’t act so childish. It was a nice change of pace.

  Well, up until Jackson came to ruin it.

  “I’m so sorry about that. He’s very drunk and he gets a little overprotective.”

  “It’s okay.” Adam said. He was the tall guy that clearly had his eyes on Kennedy.

  His friend Preston was really nice too. He never made jokes or laughed at me. We had real, adult conversation. We talked about his job and how he worked all the time. We also talked about my love for poetry which I never really talked much about before. He loved art and so one subject led to the next. Before I knew it we were laughing and having a great time.

  “We have to be going because I have to be at work early in the morning.” Preston said. He took my hand and shook it telling me how nice it was to meet me, and it was. It was very nice.

  I noticed that Kennedy and Adam were exchanging numbers and I thought maybe that was what I should be doing with Preston, but I’m kind of glad he didn’t suggest it. Baby steps were best for me, and I was in no way ready to start going on real dates.

  We said our goodbyes and Kennedy asked if I was ready to leave too. I nodded and followed her as she led us out the doors into the cool night air.

  “So,” she beamed locking her arm through mine as we walked through the parking lot. “What did you think?”

  I leaned my head over to rest on her shoulder. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. “I had a great time.”

  “YES!” She yelled out. “I knew that you would. I told you I would introduce you to some people with class didn’t I?” She hummed proudly as we made our way to the car.

  “Yes you did, and the guys were nice. I hope that you’ll let me go with you again sometime?” I suggested. I knew that her other friends were supposed to go with us tonight, and I had a horrible feeling that they backed out because of me. Why? I didn’t know. Maybe they didn’t want to be seen with me, or maybe they were worried that I was moving in on their best friend. I really had no idea, because I had nothing to compare this too. Everything was new to me.

  “Are you kidding me? Of course we’ll go again. I love having you around. I don’t have to try so hard with you.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked as we reached the car.

  “You saw the way those ass-holes acted in there.” She said and I nodded. “My friends are no different Grace. I can’t stand it. Maybe I’m an outsider just like you, because I don’t give two shits about their fancy cars or their snobby attitudes or even their daddy’s money. I’m not going to be in this damn city forever and all I want is to be real. This fake shit gets on my nerves.” She winked at me and we climbed into the car.

  She was so refreshing. I think I was beginning to love her. Not like love her love her, but like a best friend kind of love.

  “I’m sorry about the way my brother and his girlfriend acted.”

  And there was the magic G word.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Don’t worry about it. You think I haven’t heard it before? I’ve been called everything.” I waved her off.

  “That doesn’t hurt you at all?” She turned around to face me in her seat. “Honestly Grace. How can that not bother you?”

  “There was probably a time when it did many years ago, but not now. I love me, all of me. I love my shoes that have laces and my plain white socks. I love my skirts and my sweaters. I love that I have never once said the F word. I love that I haven’t had sex yet. I love that I now have my very first best friend and I am eighteen years old.” I smiled. “I’d love to tell you about my home life some time when I’m ready, but for now just know that I’m fine. I’m free.”

  Her head leaned over against the headrest beside her. She smiled. I knew that she was probably wondering what I meant. She was probably running every crazy scenario through her head about my home life, but she never asked. “I love being your very first best friend.” She admitted.

  “Me too. Now take me somewhere for some greasy food would ya?” I laughed and buckled my seat belt.

  “You got it.” She started the car. “Hey.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I hope now that you’ve seen his true colors that you’ll be over my brother.” She stated matter of fact. I felt the lump in my stomach all the way down to my butt. How the heck did she know that?

  Please let this be the last time she brings this up. I thought to myself.

  “Hard to be over him, when I was never under him.” I replied.

  Her eyes widened. “Why little Grace, did you just make your first obscene joke?”

  “What can I say? You’re rubbing off on me.” I laughed as we pulled out of the parking lot. We giggled all the way to nearest drive-thru.

  14

  Jackson

  It was Wednesday, and I was sitting in the parking lot at school with my Lit paper in my hands, the paper that Grace had helped me write. Written in red sharpie on the top was my Grade. I’d gotten an A-. This was the best grade I had gotten on a paper since I’d been in college, and I owed it all to Grace. I had to share it with her.

  I drove the few minutes to the library hoping that she’d be working.

  I took the steps to the building two at a time. Opening the glass door, I searched for her. She wasn’t behind the front desk. I didn’t see anyone there. I walked through every roll of books until I finally spotted her. She had her back to me and was searching through a cart of books. I ran to her quickly not thinking about what I was doing. I grabbed her around the waist and lifted her off of the ground spinning her around.

  She let out a loud squeal, and slapped my hand.

  “Grace it’s me.” I said putting her back on her feet.

  “Jackson.” She heaved a sigh of relief. “You scared me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Her already pale face was even more ghostly. Her hand was still over her obviously racing heart when she finally looked at the paper I was holding out in front of me.

  Her lip rose up a little on the corners, but it was half hearted. I thought she’d be happier than this. I thought that she’d be as happy as I was, overjoyed even.

  “That’s great Jackson.” She said just above a whisper and turned back around to the bookshelf.

  “What’s wrong Grace? Aren’t you happy for me?” I asked. This wasn’t the usual Grace that I was used to seeing. Normally she’d be smiling and full of life. Something was wrong with her.

  “Yeah Jackson. Good job.” She said half-heartedly.

  “You don’t sound too happy.”

  She turned on her heels and looked me straight in the eyes. “I guess I wasn’t aware that we were speaking again.” Her eyes narrowed and she frowned.

  Damn it¸ that hurt. “I deserve that.”

  “Look it’s okay. I don’t care that you’re ashamed to be friends with me, but I’m not stooping to your level. This is my first chance at normalcy and I’d much rather spend it with people who are real.”

  “Grace.” I spoke her name and could see the effect that it had on her. She loved hearing me say her name as much as much as I loved saying it. “I’m sorry.”

  “I said it was okay. I don’t need or expect an apology from you, especially if you don’t mean it. I’m glad that you passed your essay, and I’ll help you anytime you need it. But let’s don’t pretend to be friends when we’re not.”

  I swallowed the massive lump in my throat. I
t felt like I’d been punched in the gut, but I deserved it. I don’t know why I acted like such a douche to her. She’d never done anything to deserve it. She’d been nothing but amazing to me, and I repaid her by pretending that I didn’t even know her. When all I really wanted to do was actually know her.

  I placed my hand on her shoulder and felt her body tense underneath my hand.

  “I have to get back to work.” She quickly pushed the cart away and said nothing else. What else could she say? She didn’t owe me anything and she’d spoken her peace.

  I walked out of the building the same way I’d came in, and I didn’t look back.

  First I was angry with myself for treating her like that, then I was angry with Kennedy for introducing me to her, and then I was angry with Grace for being such a do-gooder. Too much time had passed with my mind focused solely on her, and I wasn’t wasting one more second. I knew that I’d never have a chance with her, and subconsciously I think I only wanted to sleep with her. At least that was what I was telling myself. It was fun while it lasted.

  “Later Grace.” I flipped up the deuces as I walked down the steps of the library. I didn’t want to think about Little Bo Peep again.

  15

  Grace

  The weeks had passed by so quickly. I loved my job and had picked up all the hours that Trish would allow. I was there more often than not, which was perfectly fine by me. I loved the money and the comfort of having a routine. Kennedy and I were still having the best time. She hung out with me a lot at the house, and Aunt Darcy loved her. We went on shopping trips, movie trips, and even trips to the salon. She had paid for me to have my first pedicure, and I got my hair trimmed by someone other than my mom. It was perfect, sort of. I doubt that I’ll be having any more pedicures anytime soon. I didn’t realize I was so ticklish and it was hard communicating with the lady because she didn’t speak English. I could mark it off of my freedom list, but wouldn’t be experiencing it again any time soon.