The Breath Between Waves

by Charlotte Anne Hamilton

  A sling was lowered down the side of the ship, and, once more, Lightoller insisted that Penelope go first. She was happy about that, even if it seemed wrong. But she couldn’t help it as she settled into the fabric and began the slow haul up the side of the ship and over onto the deck.

  She immediately froze, however, as she straightened and saw the large number of people who were milling around the deck.

  “Miss, we need to get the others up,” one of Carpathia’s sailors said.

  Penelope nodded numbly and stepped away from the edge, pulling the blanket she wore tighter around her frame. It had long since gotten wet as it had soaked up the water from her body and clothes and was now stiff to the touch, thanks to the cold air.

  Penelope stumbled forwards towards the crowds that had already gathered, somehow knowing just by the amount of people that hers had been the last boat to be picked up.

  It almost made her want to laugh, to think that she had been left until the very last moment. Just as she had been on Titanic until its very last moments.

  As she moved forwards, someone approached her and asked her name. He was wearing a jacket with an unfamiliar logo embroidered into the breast, so Penelope could only assume he was from Carpathia.

  “Penelope Fletcher.”

  “And which class were you sailing with?”

  She swallowed. “Second. Room E-56.” He started to scan the piece of paper that he held, so she said, “My parents didn’t make it. They won’t be…” She felt horrible for saying such a thing, but she couldn’t cling to any hope that they had survived. How could she, remembering all those bodies they had had to row through, and the men who had fallen from their shared lifeboat to their deaths? One look at all the wreckage had made Penelope certain that, hard as it was to admit, her parents were gone.

  He shrugged, giving her an apologetic look. “I am sorry for your loss. There is a physician in the Second Class dining room who will be able to look you over.”

  Nodding, Penelope offered him a smile, praying that he’d leave without another word, and feeling thankful when he did. All she wanted was to sleep, to rest without the fear that she would die if she did.

  At the reminder of her parents, however, her heart felt heavy, and without realising, she reached up to grab her grandmother’s locket.

  Only for her fingers to touch skin.

  Frowning down at her chest, Penelope saw no sign of the delicate chain around her neck, nor of the beautiful silver locket, engraved and set with sapphire stones. Her heart picked up in pace, thudding against her chest, and her hand flew to her throat, hoping to be greeted by the sensation of linked metal.

  But it wasn’t there.

  It was the final straw, taking that last glimmer of hope away from her. Penelope buried her face in her hands, feeling the tears flow and flow, unable to staunch them. She had felt the pain when she had seen her and Ruby’s room engulfed by water and known that her sewing kit and her thread-painting of Poppy were gone.

  But she had always had her grandmother’s locket with her, holding a piece of Scotland inside.

  And now it was gone, surely lost to the bottom of the ocean.

  Along with everything else she knew and loved.

  When the tears finally stopped, Penelope removed her hands from her face.

  Wiping her tears on the back of her hand, Penelope straightened herself to the best of her abilities and followed the crowds that were heading down to the lower decks. The new ship was much smaller, which made it easier for her to find her way, joining the steady stream of people towards the Second Class dining room, which had been turned over to the survivors hauled from the water.

  Every time the ship gave a shudder, something that she had easily become accustomed to on Titanic before the sinking, her heart leapt to her throat, stressed that something else had gone wrong. She couldn’t get the thought out of her mind that some other tragedy would befall her.

  She stared numbly ahead as the physician gave her a once-over, warning her that she would need to get to a hospital as soon as they docked in New York, because of her toes. Penelope was pretty certain she could have worked that out for herself, since several were an alarming shade of blue-purple.

  After that, a bowl of hot soup was handed to her. She ate one spoonful of it and then felt as though she would bring it back up if she ate any more. She pushed it away, giving it to a young mother who was feeding her two children with one bowl.

  Everything after that passed in a blur. She could do no more than focus on her hands cradled in her lap, occasionally watching as people moved around her. All her hope had long since died—claimed by the depths, just like her locket.

  She couldn’t hope that those who had gone into the water with her—Frank, Mr. Cole, her mother and father—had survived. Not after losing some of those who had been on the lifeboat with her, like Jack, and Mr. Wright as well.

  And whilst she knew that there was a good chance of Ruby being aboard, she was certain that she would want nothing to do with Penelope.

  Not after how she had left.

  So she sat there, staring down at her hands, listening to the screams that haunted her, made afresh by people realising that loved ones hadn’t made it off the ship—that they had boarded Titanic with loving families and now were widows and orphans. It didn’t help that the one action she usually performed to ground and comfort herself—tug at her locket—was gone. Her neck felt dreadfully bare and too light, which made her entire body feel off.

  It was overwhelming. So, when the opportunity came to sleep, she no longer fought it.

  Instead, Penelope lowered herself to the floor, a blanket draped around her and many other bodies beside her, and allowed herself to succumb.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  She didn’t have a peaceful sleep.

  All she saw were the ghostly figures of those she had known—Mother, Father, Frank, and Mr. Cole. Of those who had helped her when she had been stuck on board Titanic and the final lifeboat had left. Even Mr. Wright came back to haunt her.

  They stared at her with accusing eyes, saying not a word. Instead, every time their mouths opened, seawater dripped from them and started to fill the room she was locked in. She tried to claw the door open, but it wouldn’t budge. And the water just continued to rise until she couldn’t breathe and it forced its way down her lungs.

  Penelope awoke with a start, heart thudding against her ribs. She wasn’t surprised that the people around her weren’t sleeping peacefully either. Several of them twitched and groaned, some of them lay still, as if dead, whilst other were still awake, not even willing to risk it.

  It felt like no time had passed at all, even though she knew she had slept. And when she pushed herself upwards into a sitting position to look around, she noticed that there were still people milling about, completely awake and recounting the experience.

  She frowned and turned away from them.

  She didn’t want to think about it. And she didn’t want to talk to anyone.

  All she wanted to do was try and get some more sleep before the medicine the doctor had given her wore off and she felt the pain of her body starting to thaw. She reached for her locket and sighed when her fingers were greeted only with skin.

  Just as she closed her eyes, however, she heard it.

  “Penelope!” The sound was the sweetest thing Penelope had ever heard. It was enough to drown out the screams that seemed to haunt her whenever she let her mind drift for too long. It banished them like some holy light.

  She blinked blearily up from the place where she lay, craning her head over her shoulder as she followed the source of the voice. She felt her lips spread into a smile as she was greeted by what she could only assume was an angel, even though her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and her hair was in utter disarray, knotted and standing in every direction. Ruby looked a little pale, her r
ed-rimmed eyes framed by dark shadows and a flush mottling her cheeks and reddening the tip of her nose.

  But she was still the most beautiful sight Penelope had ever seen.

  “Oh, thank the Lord!” Penelope whispered, the words breaking through her lips like a prayer.

  It seemed almost too good to be true. Not just because Ruby was several feet away from her, surrounded by Victoria’s, Liam’s, and Julia’s sleeping forms, but because it meant she was alive and she was seeking Penelope out. Just being able to look at her, to take in the golden hair and blue eyes and that relieved smile that spoke of nothing but joy.

  Before Penelope could say a word, to begin to apologise or explain, Ruby extracted herself from her family and stepped across the other bodies sleeping between them. She threw herself onto her knees by Penelope’s side and wrapped her arms around her shoulders in a fierce embrace.

  An involuntary gasp of pain broke from Penelope’s lips. She felt Ruby begin to pull away, so she weakly raised her arm and returned the embrace.

  Ruby buried her face in the crook of Penelope’s neck, allowing her to feel the wet drops of tears against her skin. She could also feel her own tears falling over her face and onto Ruby’s shoulder. Ruby was in her arms. Willingly in her arms, the thud of her heartbeat a reminder that they were both alive. And for some bizarre reason…Ruby was holding her. She wasn’t screaming or clawing at her face for leaving her.

  “Don’t ever do that again, do you hear me?” Ruby warned, her voice low and barely above a whisper. Her grip tightened a little, and this time, Penelope was able to swallow her gasp of pain. “I swear to God, Penelope Fletcher, if you ever try to do anything like that to me ever again, I will personally hunt you down just so I can strangle you with my bare hands.”

  Ruby pulled away and cupped Penelope’s face in her hands. Her smile was watery, her tears a never-ending stream down her face, but she was still as beautiful and dazzling as the first time she’d laid eyes on her. Penelope’s hands trembled and ached, but cradling Ruby’s face in her own hands was still the sweetest sensation.

  All Penelope wanted to do in that moment was kiss her. She wanted to kiss her until both of them were breathless and had put everything behind them, until they no longer felt as though a dark cloud had covered them and would never move again.

  “I promise.”

  Ruby snorted. “I’ve heard that before.”

  Penelope smiled weakly at her. “Well, I shall just have to spend the rest of my life getting you to trust in my promises again.” Her eyes lowered to her lap, and she only raised them when she heard Ruby’s breath catch in her throat.

  She half expected to see horror and rejection, but instead she was greeted with that smile she loved so much growing wider and more tears falling from her blue eyes.

  Ruby’s thumbs brushed along Penelope’s cheekbones, drying the tears there, before one briefly flitted over her lower lip. She then leaned in and embraced her once more, whispering in her ear, “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

  It made Penelope smile that she wasn’t the only one who wanted to reclaim this moment of horror with something beautiful. But they couldn’t do that, no matter how much they wished they could.

  “Just hold me,” Penelope whispered as she turned towards her. She felt Ruby shuffle a little until she, too, was lying down. She had squeezed herself into the small gap between Penelope and another survivor, who was thankfully sound asleep.

  Ruby lay on her back and opened her arms, allowing Penelope to roll forwards, resting her head on Ruby’s shoulder before shifting lower until it rested on her chest. She then wrapped her arm around Ruby’s waist, fingers gripping at the fabric so hard that she was pretty certain her hold made it through to skin.

  “Just hold me like you never want to let go,” Penelope said. She felt tears sting her eyes, but she forced them to stay at bay. She didn’t want to ruin this wonderful moment by crying over their lost ones. That would be for later.

  Right now, all she wanted was to celebrate that they were both still alive.

  That they were together.

  “I never want to let go.” Ruby pushed herself that little bit closer. Penelope felt her lips against her forehead, so she returned the kiss by pressing one to Ruby’s collarbone. It was risky, but, with the way her head was buried against Ruby’s chest, no one would have even seen it.

  “Neither do I.” Penelope’s eyes fell shut as it grew more difficult to stay awake, but she had enough energy left to say, “I’m so glad I made it back to you.”

  She heard Ruby gently shush her as her hand started to rub soothing circles on her waist.

  It was the thud of Ruby’s heart beating a rhythm in perfect sync with her own that brought the realisation to Penelope’s mind. I’m alive.

  She’d fulfilled her promise to her mother and father. She’d survived. And now she was able to live. She was going to take however long she got with Ruby, to see how far they could go. She was going to relish every moment and live.

  “I’m glad you survived, Penelope,” Ruby whispered into her hair. “All those hours on that lifeboat, watching the ship go down, all I could do was pray for you. And I am so thankful that God answered my prayers.”

  Penelope frowned. Just a little line between her brows was all she could manage as she asked, “What of your father?” She hadn’t wanted to mention him, in fear that Ruby would start to ask questions that Penelope knew she wouldn’t be able to answer yet. One day, when they were both ready, they would talk about Titanic’s final moments and what they had meant for the men in Ruby’s life.

  “Daddy sacrificed himself for me. It was difficult. I’ll never forget him. But we said our goodbyes. You… You just took off without a word, and I had no idea what had happened to you.” Another press of lips against her forehead. “So I spent every second praying that you’d make it through the wreck; that you’d find what you were looking for and return to me. I feel like we’re fated to be together, Penelope.” The combing of Ruby’s fingers through her hair was lulling her further to sleep, so much so that Penelope was surprised she was still able to hear what Ruby was saying to her in soft, whispered tones.

  Ruby paused for a long moment, then asked in a whisper so soft it could have been blown away by a breath, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  Penelope swallowed thickly, allowing the constant thump of Ruby’s heart to soothe her. Tears welled in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. “I did. They… They thought I blamed them, for making me go on the ship when I didn’t want to move, and then for the crash. They thought I was on a lifeboat, and they were content to die together believing I was safe.” She turned her face into Ruby’s chest, drying the tears as they broke free, her willpower no longer strong enough to keep them from falling. “We said our goodbyes, cleared the air, and they made me promise that I would live. And when I vowed to do so, all I could see was you and the life we could have together.”

  Ruby remained silent. Her hand didn’t stop in its constant brushing of Penelope’s hair. Her breath hitched beneath Penelope’s head, and Penelope knew that Ruby was holding back tears of her own. “I’m glad you found them, Penelope. And I’m sorry it didn’t go as you planned. But I am also so glad that you’re alive; that you made that promise. I’m glad you’re here in my arms. I’m glad you’ve promised to never leave again.” Her arms tightened around Penelope’s waist. “And I’m glad you want me to hold you.”

  Penelope wanted to say something. She wanted to mirror those sentiments, to let her know that, through it all, Ruby had been her source of hope.

  But Ruby’s fingers were stroking her scalp, and her touch was so soft as it rubbed gentle circles on her waist. Her warmth was so overwhelming that Penelope couldn’t fight it.

  So she didn’t bother trying.

  She drew a breath and allowed herself to finally surrender to sle
ep. Despite the trauma they had endured, she was alive.

  Ruby was alive.

  And that was all that mattered.

  Epilogue

  Ten years later

  8th April 1922

  Penelope curled her body closer towards the fire.

  She shuffled forwards so that her toes grazed the grating that protected the burning coal, until her hands could reach out and caress the flames should she wish. They were, however, occupied with the small hoop that she was working on. The piece that she was only ever able to work on in the wee hours of the morning, after the nightmares had woken her up.

  Her back ached. She had no idea how long she had sat there working on her embroidery with her Golden Retriever, Kaidan, resting his head on her thigh.

  A soft hand curled around her shoulder, yet Penelope didn’t flinch. There was only one person it could be, and Penelope could never be startled by her.

  “Bad dream?” Ruby whispered as her other hand came to rest on Penelope’s other shoulder. Kaidan’s tail beat a steady rhythm at her voice. Ruby’s hands slid down Penelope’s arms as she came to crouch behind her.

  Penelope took Ruby’s hands in her own, entwining their fingers and pulling her further around her body so that she was wrapped up fully in Ruby’s embrace. “Is there any other kind?” Penelope whispered, continuing to stare at the fire.

  Ruby gave a thoughtful hmm. “Well, there’s that dream we had of returning to Scotland and buying a little cottage. That was a good dream.”

  That dream had sprung up not long after they had arrived in New York ten years ago. They had stayed with Ruby’s family as the inquests were held. They had refused to be parted—and had both been adamant about returning to Britain, even if that meant boarding another ship.

  A smile finally tugged at Penelope’s lips as she turned her gaze to the side, finding her lover’s head resting on her shoulder.