Mark Twain on Religion: What Is Man, the War Prayer, Thou Shalt Not Kill, the Fly, Letters From the Earth

by Mark Twain

  * When d’Aiguillon sent his midnight commands to the refractory Parliament of Paris to resume duty, 160 out of the 200 members sat up in their beds and boldly and bravely refused. Each individual did this heroism by himself and out of his own native greatness, for he could not know that the others, or any of them, would be steadfast and do the like. By contrast with this, observe the pettiness which moves each new governmental system in France to wipe out every historical reminder of the system which preceded it, even to the names of streets. Napoleon put his statue on the Vendome column; the succeeding systems replaced that statue with something else; when the Commune came into power, it pulled down column and all; now the Republic has reerected the column and surmounted it with a stone figure representing the Genius of something or other, I don’t know exactly what -- French fickleness, perhaps. [M.T.]

  Now if my work has been intelligibly done, I have shown that the Frenchman is in some respects the superior of the Chinaman, in others the equal of the Turk and the Dahomian, and in hardly any particular the conspicuous inferior of the Comanche. I hoped and believed I could do this; I think I have succeeded. There is little question, in my mind, that France is entitled to a distinguished place among the partly civilized peoples of our globe.

  I have the highest hopes of France, I have the deepest and most heartfelt yearnings for her moral and intellectual elevation and enlightenment. But I know and feel that this great benefit cannot come to her, in perfection, through the restricted and unsystematized efforts of our American colony, active and holy and precious as these are -- no, there is but one way, the employment of a trained corps of lay American missionaries, armed with official rank for their protection, furnished with the ribbon of the legion of honor to render them inconspicuous and avert notice and jealousy, and paid by the government out of appropriations created by a special tax. Let us all aid in helping the Frenchman. Let us take to our hearts this disparaged and depreciated link between man and the simian and raise him up to brotherhood with us.

  From an Unfinished Burlesque

  of Books on Etiquette

  I AT THE FUNERAL

  DO NOT criticize the person in whose honor the entertainment is given.

  Make no remarks about his equipment. If the handles are plated, it is best to seem to not observe it.

  If the odor of the flowers is too oppressive for your comfort, remember that they were not brought there for you, and that the person for whom they were brought suffers no inconvenience from their presence.

  Listen, with as intense an expression of attention as you can command, to the official statement of the character and history of the person in whose honor the entertainment is given; and if these statistics should seem to fail to tally with the facts, in places, do not nudge your neighbor, or press your foot upon his toes, or manifest, by any other sign, your awareness that taffy is being distributed.

  If the official hopes expressed concerning the person in whose honor the entertainment is given are known by you to be oversized, let it pass -- do not interrupt.

  At the moving passages, be moved -- but only according to the degree of your intimacy with the parties giving the entertainment, or with the party in whose honor the entertainment is given. Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief. Where the occasion is military, the emotions should be graded according to military rank, the highest officer present taking precedence in emotional violence, and the rest modifying their feelings according to their position in the service.

  Do not bring your dog.

  II AT A FIRE

  Form of Tender of Rescue from Strange Young Gentleman to Strange Young Lady at a Fire.

  Although through the fiat of a cruel fate, I have been debarred the gracious privilege of your acquaintance, permit me, Miss [here insert name, if known], the inestimable honor of offering you the aid of a true and loyal arm against the fiery doom which now o'ershadows you with its crimson wing, [This form to be memorized, and practiced in private.]

  Should she accept, the young gentleman should offer his arm -- bowing, and observing "Permit me" -- and so escort her to the fire escape and deposit her in it (being extremely careful, if she have no clothes on but her night dress, not to seem to notice the irregularity). No form of leavetaking is permissible, further than a formal bow, accompanied by a barely perceptible smile of deferential gratitude for the favor which the young lady has accorded -- this smile to be completed at the moment the fire escape starts to slide down, then the features to be recomposed instantly.

  A compulsory introduction at a fire is not binding upon the young lady. The young gentleman cannot require recognition at her hands when he next meets her, but must leave her unembarrassed to decide for herself whether she will continue the acquaintanceship or ignore it.

  To return to the fire. If the boarding house is not provided with a fire escape, the young gentleman will use such other means of rescue as circumstances shall afford.

  But he will not need to change the form of his proffer of assistance; for this speech has been purposely framed in such a way as to apply with equal felicity to all methods of rescue from fire. If egress may be had to the street by the stairway, the young gentleman will offer his arm and escort the young lady down; if retreat in that direction is cut off by the fire, he will escort her to the floor above and lower her to the street by a rope, fastening it by slip-noose under her armpits, with the knot behind (at the same time bowing and saying "Permit me"); or if no rope be procurable, he will drop her from the balcony upon soft substances to be provided by the populace below -- always observing "Permit me," and accompanying the remark with a slight inclination of the head. In either ascending or descending the stairs, the young gentleman shall walk beside the young lady, if the stairs are wide enough to allow it; otherwise he must precede her. In no case must he follow her. This is de rigueur.

  MEM. In rescuing a chambermaid, presentation of card is not necessary, neither should one say "Permit me." The form of tender service should also be changed.

  Example:

  Form of Tender of Rescue from Young Gentleman to Chambermaid at a Fire.

  There is no occasion for alarm, Mary [insertion of surname not permissible]; keep cool, do everything just as I tell you, and, D.V. , I will save you.

  Anything more elaborate than this, as to diction and sentiment, would be in exceedingly bad taste, in the case of a chambermaid. Yet at the same time, brusqueries are to be avoided. Such expressions as "Come, git!" should never fall from the lips of a true gentleman at a fire. No, not even when addressed to the humblest domestic.

  Brevity is well; but even brevity cannot justify vulgarity.

  In assisting at a fire in a boarding house, the true gentleman will always save the young ladies first -- making no distinction in favor of personal attractions, or social eminence, or pecuniary predominance -- but taking them as they come, and firing them out with as much celerity as shall be consistent with decorum. There are exceptions, of course, to all rules; the exceptions to this one are:

  Partiality, in the matter of rescue, to be shown to:

  1. Fiancees.

  2. Persons toward whom the operator feels a tender sentiment, but has not yet declared himself.

  3. Sisters.

  4. Stepsisters.

  5. Nieces.

  6. First cousins.

  7. Cripples.

  8. Second cousins.

  9. Invalids.

  10. Young-lady relations by marriage.

  11. Third cousins, and young-lady friends of the family.

  12. The Unclassified.

  Parties belonging to these twelve divisions should be saved in the order in which they are named.

  The operator must keep himself utterly calm, and his line of procedure constantly in mind; otherwise the confusion around him will be almost sure to betray him into very embarrassing breaches of etiquette. Where t
here is much smoke, it is often quite difficult to distinguish between new Relatives by Marriage and Unclassified young ladies; wherefore it is provided that if the operator, in cases of this sort, shall rescue a No. 12 when he should have rescued a No. 10, it is not requisite that he carry No. 12

  back again, but that he leave her where she is without remark, and go and fetch out No.

  10. An apology to No. 10 is not imperative; still, it is good form to offer it. It may be deferred, however, one day -- but no longer. [In a case of this nature which occurred during the first day of the Chicago fire, where the operator saved a No. 7 when a No. 6

  was present but overlooked in the smoke, it was held by competent authorities, that the postponement of the apology for the extraordinary term of three days was justified, it being considered that the one-day term during which the apology must be offered means the day after the fire, and therefore does not begin until the fire is out. This decision was sustained by the several Illinois courts through which it was carried; and experts are confident that it.will also be sustained, eventually, in the Supreme Court of the United States -- where it still lingers.]

  To return to the fire.

  Observe: 1's, 3's, 4's, and 5's may be carried out of the burning house, in the operator's arms -- permission being first asked, and granted; 7's and 9's may be carried out without the formality of asking permission; the other grades may not be carried out, except they themselves take the initiative, and signify, by word or manner, their desire to partake of this attention.

  Form for Requesting Permission to Carry a No. 1, 3, 4, or 5, out of a Boarding House Which Is on Fire.

  The bonds of [here insert "tenderness," in the case of No. 1; or "blood," in the other cases] which enfold us in their silken tie, warrant me, my dear [here insert given name, in all cases; and without prefix], in offering to you the refuge of my arms in fleeing the fiery doom which now, with crimson wing, o'ershadows us.

  In cases where a member of one of the prohibited grades signifies a desire to be carried out of the fire, response should be made in the following form -- accompanied by a peculiarly profound obeisance:

  Form of Response to Indication on the part of a 2, 6, 8, 10, 11 or 12 that she Desires to be Carried Out of a Fire in Arms of Young Gentleman.

  In view of the circumstance, Madmoselle [insert name only in cases where the party is a 6 or an 8 -- be careful about this], that but fragile and conventional [here -- in case of a No. 2 -- insert "Alasl"] are the bonds which enfold us in their silken tie, it is with deepest sense of the signal distinction which your condescension has conferred upon me, that I convey to you the refuge of my arms in fleeing the fiery doom which now, with crimson wing, o'ershadows us.

  Other material in boarding house is to be rescued in the following order: 13. Babies.

  14. Children under 10 years of age.

  15. Young widows.

  16. Young married females.

  17. Elderly married ditto.

  18. Elderly widows.

  19. Clergymen.

  20. Boarders in general.

  21. Female domestics.

  22. Male ditto.

  23. Landlady.

  24. Landlord.

  25. Firemen.

  26. Furniture.

  27. Mothers-in-law.

  Arbitrary introductions, made under fire, to 12's through the necessity of carrying them out of the conflagration, are not binding. It rests with the young lady to renew the acquaintanceship or let it drop. If she shall desire the renewal, she may so signify by postal card; by intimation conveyed through friend of family; or by simple recognition of operator, by smile and slight inclination of head, the first time she meets him after the fire. In the resulting conversation the young gentleman must strictly refrain from introducing the subject of fire, or indeed of combustibles of any kind, lest he may seem to conceive and remember that he has lately done a heroic action, or at least an action meriting complimentary acknowledgment; whereas, on the contrary, he should studiedly seem to have forgotten the circumstance, until the young lady shall herself -- if she so please -- refer to it; in which case he will bow repeatedly, smiling continuously, and accompanying each bow with the observation (uttered in a soft, apparently embarrassed, yet gratified voice), "'m very glad, 'm sure, 'm very glad, 'm sure."

  Offers of marriage to parties who are being carried out from a boarding house on fire are considered to be in questionable taste, for the reason that the subject of the proposition is not likely to be mistress of her best judgment at so alarming and confusing a time, and therefore it may chance that she is taken at a disadvantage.

  Indeed, the most authoritative canons of high breeding limit such offers inflexibly to cases where the respondent is a No. 2. In these instances, the following form should be observed:

  Form of Offer of Marriage from Young Gentleman to a No. 2, during Process of Extracting Her from Boarding House on Fire, and Conveying Her out of the Same in His Arms.

  Ah, I supplicate, I beseech, I implore thee, dearest [here insert given name of party only], to have compassion upon thy poor kneeling henchmen [do not attempt to kneel -- this is but a figure of speech]

  and deign to be his! Deign to engender into bonds of tenderness those bonds of chill conventionality which enfold us in their silken tie, and he will ever bless the day thou didst accept the refuge of his arms in fleeing the fiery doom which now, with crimson wing, o'ershadows us.

  Enough has been said, now, as to the conduct which a young gentleman of culture and breeding should observe in the case of a boarding house on fire. The same rules apply, with but slight variations (which will suggest themselves to the operator), to fire in a church, private house, hotel, railway train, or on shipboard -- indeed to all fires in the ordinary walks of life.

  In the case of a ship on fire, evening dress must be omitted. The true gentleman never wears evening dress at sea, even in case of a fire.

  The speeches to be used at a fire may also, with but slight alteration, be wielded with effect upon disastrous occasions of other sorts. For instance, in tendering rescue from destruction by hurricane, or earthquake, or runaway team, or railway collision (where no conflagration ensues), the operator should merely substitute "fatal doom" for

  "fiery doom"; and in cases of ordinary shipwreck or other methods of drowning, he should say "watery doom." No other alterations are necessary, for the "crimson wing"

  applies to all calamities of a majestic sort, and is a phrase of exceeding finish and felicity.

  Observe, in conclusion: Offers of marriage, during episode of runaway team, are to be avoided. A lady is sufficiently embarrassed at such a time; any act tending to add to this embarrassment is opposed to good taste, and therefore reprehensible.

  Ill VISITING CARDS

  One of the ablest of our recent works on Deportment* has this remark: To the unrefined or the underbred person, the visiting-card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of paper; but to the cultured disciple of social law it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence.

  Its texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name it bears in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his manners, conversation, and face have been able to explain his social position.

  The receiver of a visitor's card makes a careful study of its style. If it is in perfect taste, she admires him unconsciously for this evidence of excellent style, refinement, and familiarity with the details of a high social position and delicate breeding.

  * Social Etiquette of New York: D. Appleton & Co. [M. T.]

  All this is wisely conceived, and well said. For the cultured, these hints are sufficient; but some elaboration of the matter seems worth while, in the interest of the partly cultured and the ignorant. Now observe, the points noted as concerns the card --

  and they are exceedingly important -- are as follows:

  1. Its texture.

  2. Style of engraving.

  3. Hour o
f leaving it.

  If these fall short of the standard established by social law, the visitor is placed in a “disagreeable attitude”; but if, after a careful study of card and hour, the lady finds in them the regulation evidences of the visitor's perfect taste, she "admires him unconsciously." Let us now enter, carefully and orderly, upon particulars.

  As to texture. Always use linen cards -- never the cheap cotton styles. This is de rigueur.

  If you are a mere "Mr.," let your name be engraved in a delicate script; your address, in the same script, must be at the bottom of the card, in the left-hand corner; that is, if you are a bachelor; but if you are married, it must be placed in the right-hand comer.

  If you bear a title, you should use a German text of a somewhat bold and pronounced character. In America (but in America only), your wife may be referred to by your title -- and she may also put it on her card. Examples: Mrs. Superintendant-of Public-Instruction Jones

  The Rocks, Hogback-on-the-Hudson

  Mrs. Clerk-of-the-Board-of-Aldermen Hooligan

  The Tombs, 2d Floor, New York

  Mrs. 2d-Lieut-Co.-B-42d-Regt.-N.-Y.-Mounted-Militia Baggs 64 Thompson St., New York

  Thursdays

  "Thursdays" means that that is her reception day -- a reminder that formal calls are not received there on any other day of the week.

  The

  placing of the name is a matter of moment. It should be engraved on the back of the court cards; and on the front of the spot-cards and the joker. For obvious reasons the ace of spades is an exception to this rule -- the name goes on the back of it.

  A single remark, here, may not be out of place: Never use a second-hand deck, when making a ceremonious call. And never use what in vulgar parlance is called an old greasy deck, except in the case of social inferiors and poor kin.