by Jani Kay
Everybody has a story to tell. Even the most unlikely people like Ox. I hoped that someday he’d trust me enough to share it.
But first I had to face Razor and his anger. A mixture of fear and regret ran through me. Would he listen to my side of the story? There was only one way to find out.
21 — Razor
We win some and we lose some.
It was four in the morning and I sat in the darkness, back at the compound, enjoying the quiet after the mayhem and chaos I’d endured earlier.
I’d finally grown up to be the man everyone expected me to be. That had to be a win. But I also lost the one thing that had meant the most to me.
Lexi needed her freedom and I was going to give it to her. Jason had told me that she was going to see him at midnight and that he’d gone to find her when she didn’t show up. I had to accept that Lexi didn’t want me. I had to let go, even if it killed me.
Hell, I had a lot to be happy about. The Irish was in custody and after hearing what Summers had to say, I doubted the assassin would see the outside world again. If he wasn’t offed in jail, his sentence for all the killings he’d orchestrated would be long enough to put him away until he died.
Which can’t be soon enough.
Doubt swirled in my gut. If I’d knifed the fucker and let him bleed to death, I wouldn’t have to worry that he’d get out or that he’d organize retribution from inside the prison walls.
His cock had been stitched up, but I had the satisfaction of knowing it would not ever function properly again. Even pissing would be a struggle and I knew that I’d be on the Irish’s mind every time he took a fucking leak.
My thoughts were interrupted by Ox. He wore only his underwear, his muscles flexing as he moved toward me in the dim light.
“Hey, brother,” he croaked. “I’m fucking thirsty. And I’ve got a splitting headache.”
Talk about headaches. My skull pounded as if it were ready to explode.
I lifted my chin in greeting. I’d just gotten back from a long and exhausting interrogation by Summers and his gang, and before that I’d had eleven stitches of my own put in by a pretty blonde nurse who kept insisting that I needed tests in case I had concussion.
When I asked her if I looked like somebody with a fucked-up brain, she’d held up a number of fingers and asked a few other stupid questions to satisfy herself that I was okay. Why wouldn’t I know how old I was or where I was born or what day of the week it was.
What I didn’t know was where Lexi was and if she and Mia were okay. Those were the questions I needed answers to and which she of course couldn’t give me.
Nurse Michaels had shaved the other side of my head before she stitched me up, angst growing inside me as long strands of hair fell to the floor. I kept reaching a hand out to touch the large bandage she’d placed around my head, feeling for the lump where Irish had hit my head. I should’ve sliced him up for that alone.
I ran a hand over the rest of my head. Fuck, I missed my hair. With it all shaved off, I kinda felt exposed. As if I had lost my strength.
Ox walked over to the bar and opened the fridge, grabbed two beers and flipped the caps. He placed one in front of me with a thud and I swapped it for the empty bottle in my hand.
Usually I could find relief in a few cold ones; maybe I wasn’t drinking fast enough. I chugged half a bottle down my throat and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. If only some images in my mind could be erased . . .
I asked the question foremost in my mind. “Do you have any idea where Lexi is?”
“No. She was discharged from hospital after they gave her a check-up. Mia had to stay.”
That’s what I’d thought would happen. Where the fuck is Lexi? I’d called her number seven times already and still no reply. It was driving me fucking insane. I had to see her with my own two eyes.
Ox’s gaze burned into me and I shifted uncomfortably on the bar stool. “You did the right thing. I’m proud of you,” he said in a low and serious voice. “Cobra’s gonna be happy that you found the fucker before he had a chance to hurt the girls or come after him again.”
Shaking my head, I pulled a face at him. “The longer I sit here, the less I think it was the right thing to do. The motherfucker can still come after us, even if it’s not in person.” I took another long swig of beer, my brain thumping against my skull. “I should’ve diced him up. Sent him back to Ireland in a Fed-ex parcel.”
Ox chuckled. “You’re a mean motherfucker.”
I sighed, thinking of Lexi. “Not mean enough.”
“Ryder called. Wanted to know what happened. That’s what woke me.” He held up both hands. “Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t tell him anything.”
Then I remembered it was Ryder who’d introduced me to Wolf. I wanted my fucking money back from the informant. He knew jackshit.
“We gotta pay Wolf a visit. The asshole is either the worse fucking informant alive, or else he was withholding information from me. It’s impossible he didn’t know the Irish was in town.”
I told Ox the conversation I’d had with Wolf and how much I’d paid him because I’d believed then he’d be able to help me. Ox whistled through his teeth. “He was right about one thing though. The Irish did find you.”
“I still don’t know how he got in there and remained hidden while I was beating the other dude to a pulp. It’s fucking weird.”
“Yeah, it is. Jason said everyone only saw one dude go in there?”
I nodded. “There’s something going on that I haven’t figured out yet. I don’t trust anybody anymore.” I looked up into his face. “Except you, of course. You were a fucking legend, having my back covered when I needed you. Thanks brother.” I leaned over and slapped his back, then gave him a bear hug.
“You grew up in front of me. Fuck, you could’ve been my own fucking kid.” The sadness I’d seen in his eyes before flickered over them for an instant. I looked harder, trying to understand, but it was gone.
It was true. Although Ox refused to tell anyone his real age, he was at least twenty years my senior. His goatee had greyed over the last year, but that was all that gave away that he was probably in his forties. As for his physical appearance, he was as big and as strong as . . . an ox, of course.
As far back as I could remember, Ox had been there. In every memory I had of my childhood and the years growing up, he was somewhere in the picture. If ever a man had a guardian angel, Ox was mine. He never asked for anything in return.
I’d not pried into his personal life before and it hit me that I didn’t even know his real name. I’d only ever just known him as Ox.
“I’ll go with you to see Wolf. He’s got some explaining to do.”
I was grateful that I could count on him.
*****
As dawn approached, I got tired of waiting to see if Lexi would appear. My whole body ached and my head felt as if it didn’t belong to me. I had to get to bed and get a few hours of rest. There were a lot of unanswered questions I needed clarified, but I was in no state to do any of that in the condition I was in.
I finished my eighth beer and stumbled to my room, ready to pass out from sheer fucking exhaustion. As I pushed the door open, I started stripping off my boots, pants, shirt, so that I could just crawl between the messy sheets. The room was exactly as I’d left it when I got the phone call from Jason.
I cursed and fell onto the pillow, face first. Sleeping with a head wound wasn’t going to be fun. And one side of my head still needed TLC from the inking.
What a fucking day it had been. As much as I was elated that we’d found and locked up the Irish, it was a day I never wanted repeated.
I woke with the sun streaming into the room and feather-like touches gliding over my jaw and neck. A hand stroked over my cock and undid the zipper and I wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming.
With a jolt, I sat upright, disorientated and ready to fight whatever monster had come into my room, real or imaginary. I was five again,
alone and frightened of the unknown.
I opened my eyes.
Lexi pulled back her hand as I lashed out and nearly hit her, stopping myself just in time before striking her.
Her eyes were wide and her face pale. “Jesus, I thought you’d be angry with me. I just didn’t know you’d wanna kill me.”
“Fuck. Sorry,” I groaned. On a scale of one to ten the pain I felt throughout my entire body was an eleven. Everything hurt. My head, my skin, my dick, my fucking heart.
I sank back onto the matrass and closed my eyes.
“Where the fuck were you all night?” I breathed, trying to stop the pain from consuming all of me.
“Um . . . I needed time to think.”
“Lexi, come on. Stop taking me for a fool. Did you go to Jason’s place?”
She gasped. “Jason? Why the fuck would I go there?”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” I roared, regretting the extra pain it caused immediately. “You were supposed to hook up with him at midnight. He told me.”
“Fuck Jason. That was just a way to get into the club. I can’t help it if he believed me.”
With my eyes closed I grabbed hold of her wrist. My fingers locked around her skin and squeezed. “You still haven’t answered my question.”
She tried to pull her wrist free. It only made me hold on harder. “Don’t be an asshole, Razor. Let go of me!”
“Is that what you really want, Lexi? For me to let you go?”
Silence fell between us. I could slice it with a knife. All I heard was her fast breathing and my heart pounding in my ears.
Just as I thought she wasn’t ever going to reply, her voice cut through me. “Yeah. Let go of me, Razor. I need to leave.”
What was that thing I read once about setting something you loved free and if it was meant to be yours, it would come back to you? Fuck, I didn’t know anything anymore. My heart crumbled in my chest.
I dropped her wrist like a hot coal.
“Go, Lexi. Get the fuck out of here.” I turned on my side, away from her.
Before I change my mind.
And then she was gone. Leaving me with all the pain, everything in me screaming.
22 — Lexi
I’d gone back to stay at my father’s house. The MC hadn’t objected because lockdown had been lifted. Thank fuck.
For once Dad didn’t give me grief about my life. He kinda ignored me, just like he’d done most of my life, and I did the same. It worked fine for us.
Ox had let me know that Mia was at the retreat and asked to see me. I was terrified to come face to face with her, feeling responsible for what had happened to her, but I had to beg her forgiveness and for a chance to prove how damn sorry I was.
She’d been in hospital for a few days, her room just a few doors down from Cobra’s. She’d taken a while to recover from the wounds inflicted by our enemies. Still traumatized by what had happened in that bathroom, and under the supervision of a shrink, she’d gone to a special retreat to rest and have a few sessions with him before she’d return to the compound.
“Mia,” I greeted as I knocked on her door. I had to bite my lip so that I didn’t cry out or swear or bawl when I saw her. She’d lost weight and her olive skin seemed paler than usual. Her cheeks were gaunt, which only made her doe-like eyes seem bigger.
Her bruises had completely faded, but she was clearly not over what had happened. Guilt raided my heart, squeezed the air out of my lungs.
I did this to her.
We made small talk for a while, feeling our way around one another as if we’d only met that day. The friendship we’d built seemed to have evaporated into thin air and we were like two awkward strangers who didn’t know what to say to one another.
I couldn’t take it any longer. It was driving me nuts and it was time to just be real. Drawing in a deep breath and holding it for a minute, I slowly expelled it and talked my mind.
“Mia, listen, honey. I came to apologize for what happened. I should never have talked you into coming with me. I can’t change what went down, as much as I’d give anything to be able to do that. Please say you’ll forgive me and we can be friends again, real friends. I cant stand this fake bullshit we’ve been doing for the past ten minutes,” I blurted, hardly stopping to take a breath. I just needed to get it all out. “Please let me look after Jamie and Bella while you recover. I wish I could say it’s all about you, but I have to be honest and admit that guilt has been eating at me, so I need to do this to feel better about what happened in that bathroom.”
Once I’d let it all out in one long ramble, I felt so much better. I kinda understood why my aunt went to confession at her church. It was liberating to let go of all the words that had been mulling in my head and brewing in my gut for days on end.
Mia’s hand slid over mine. “At least you’re honest, Lexi. So many people would pretend showing kindness is not for themselves, too, so they can feel they are righting a wrong.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded. “I’m glad you understand. I’d appreciate the chance to do something for you. I know it won’t ever fix what happened and that the scars will be with you for a long, long time, but it’s my way of making it up to you.”
The corners of Mia’s lips turned up slightly. “That’s very sweet of you.” She paused for a long moment and I sat there in silence, my throat burning. Her eyes shone when she spoke again in a soft voice. “It wasn’t entirely your fault, Lexi. I wanted to go with you. You didn’t hold a gun to my head.”
I sucked in a short sharp breath. “No. If it weren’t for my stupid idea, you wouldn’t have gone to the club, and this would never have happened.”
She laced her fingers through mine and squeezed. “I’ve been curious for years about going out on the town by myself. I never told anyone because I didn’t think I’d ever get the opportunity. It didn’t take much to convince me, remember? I was just as excited to get away from it all as you were.”
“Mia.” I couldn’t hold back the damn tears a moment longer. They streamed unchecked down my cheeks and hit my chest with soft little explosions. My voice quivered when I spoke. “Thank you. It means a lot.”
“We’re family, Lexi. You’re like a sister to me. We’ve both had a tough childhood and I kinda get you.” She laughed through her own tears. “We may actually just be the only two normal people on the planet.”
Her outrageous comment made me laugh, too. “Me, normal?” I shook my head. “Nobody has ever thought I was normal. You, maybe. Me, never.”
Mia dabbed at the wetness beneath her eyelids with a tissue. “You’re just lost, Lexi. Growing up without a mother’s love and guidance is tough, babe. The fact you’re a bit different doesn’t make you a monster or a freak. It just means you’re an unique individual. You should embrace that. I mean . . . who wants to be boring, anyway?”
“You’re a very special woman, Mia. I can see why Cobra and everyone else loves you so much.”
“Talking about love . . . you know that Razor is head over heels for you, right?”
I bit into my lower lip. My eyes watered but I swallowed it back. “He hasn’t said a word to me since the night—or rather early the next morning when he asked me to leave. Not a single word. I don’t know what it means.” My head dropped to my chest. “I think I’ve fucked up so badly that he doesn’t love or want me anymore.” I sighed, long and heavy. “It’s my own fault. I don’t deserve his love.”
“Stop.” Mia’s voice was sharp. My head jerked up and my gaze met hers.
Confusion clouded my mind. Why was Mia suddenly angry with me?
“Listen to me, Lexi. I want you to stop that shit right now, you hear me?” She sat upright in the bed, glaring at me. She’d switched to her Mexican accent and her hands flew about wildly.
My shoulders lifted to my ears. “What did I say wrong?”
“The dumb part about not deserving his love. That’s just bullshit. Razor would be a lucky man to catch a woman like yo
u, and he knows it.”
My brain was having a meltdown. “He does?” Then reality hit home. “He has a funny way of showing it by ignoring me. I tried to make amends with him. Before I could apologize or thank him for showing up and saving us, he just turned his back to me and told me to leave.” I rubbed at the place between my breasts just over my heart. The constant dull pain that lived there intensified. “I’ve lost him, Mia, so you are wrong about us.”
“He doesn’t want your gratitude, Lexi. He wants your love.”
I blinked fast. “Trying to give him sex . . . the one thing he’s always wanted from me, isn’t giving him my love?”
“Come on Lexi, you’re smarter than that.”
Confused, I shrugged. “Apparently not.”
“Giving your body is the easy part, hun. It’s giving your heart that’s more difficult. That’s what Razor wants.”
“How can you be so damn sure?”
“I’m married to his brother, remember? And I’ve figured out how the Malone men work. Until he knows you belong to him, body, soul and heart, he won’t be satisfied.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and snorted. “Hmpft, so why do I have to declare my love first? He has a mouth too. He’s never been afraid to tell me what he wants before, so why not now?”
Mia shook her head and laughed. “You sure are dumb when it comes to love.” Her eyes and voice softened. “You’ve rejected him so many times before, girl. This time it matters too much to him and he probably thinks he won’t survive another rejection. You’ve got to set it straight. It’s up to you, honey.”
I’d never been as terrified in my life, not even when I had a fucking gun pointed to my head or any of the other shit I’d been through.
“You’re kidding, right?”
How could matters of the heart be the scariest thing I’d encountered? It didn’t make sense. My heart beat in my throat as I waited for Mia to tell me she was joking.