Amazon_Signs of the Secret

by Ms. Becky J. Rhush

  Death rode into the jungle that morning, black armor clanging and a thousand hooves thudding the dark soil. A veiled sun burned humid above the tree-topped canopy. Rain snaked mist through the labyrinth of sloped woods, hiding the evil lurking within it. A horde of men clad in black passed under like ants, their sweat soured horses trampling, cutting a path through the jungle. Slicing into its’ plumpest vein. He came, as he had sworn he someday would.

  Avarice now bore the name of a man, a foul-hearted man leading at the forefront of this abomination. His name, Gragore. Fiercest of all warlords. Slowing his ash black steed, he in turn heard the throng of horses halt behind him. Armor clattered as the beasts settled, snorting and shuffling as the men awaited his command. Gragore settled his solid frame deep in the saddle, staring ahead, listening to the moan of the jungle.

  "Gragore." A young soldier trotted out to the warlord. "What is your command?" Gragore ogled the sultry green before him. He pondered. Anticipated. Bringing dirty fingers to his chin, he rubbed the stubble.

  “Mmmm…” he smoothed palms over the black hair lining the curve of his head, wet and shining in the heat. Mosquitoes swarmed his dark skin, sweat trickling the curves of his muscles. Gragore aged far beyond his youth, but stood roguishly handsome with gray and arrogant eyes that smoldered with seduction. His body had known a thousand women, but none had been taken by his charm. For over a time of three decades, his force had stolen them away.

  “Sir?”

  “Ready the men,” the warlord said, “and eager them for blood.” He never took his eyes from the jungle, too seduced by the secrets it offered. "Blood will run deeper than rivers this day." His words sapped with lustful intention. The soldier nodded, trotting his horse back around. Gragore stared without a blink, excitement glowing in his gray eyes. Savoring. "I will slaughter them like ripe pigs."

  I awoke a warrior. Everything I dreamt of and feared had come to pass. I smiled at the thought with a yawn, lifting heavy eyelids. Morning sunlight flooded my hut, bringing me to squint against the bright of day. A warm breeze caressed my skin, offering the faint scent of wild gardenias as I lay listening to a chorus of morning birds singing in a new day. Taking in a breath, I sat up. A sharp burning needled my chest. I hunched into my arms, holding my breath until the pain passed.

  The shamaness had likely administered healing herbs to numb the soreness, but sudden movement still seemed unwise. As the pain dulled, a nauseous feeling rushed me. Hazy. Lethargic. The healing herbs swam heavy in my head. When the room finally settled its swaying, I looked down to my remaining breast. By the feel and fresh smell of my skin I had been bathed. My wound bound tight in white linens, red blotting the surface. My lips curved in pride. The wound would leave an impressive scar. Another breeze swept in from my window, reminding me of the tunic lying in a jumble at the edge of my furs. I slipped it over my remaining breast, covering it and my well earned wound. The ties hung loose around my neck, leaving plenty of room for comfortable movement.

  I laid back down… and saw her. The girl from my ceremony the night before. The girl who had turned my stomach into a tangle of bumble bees.

  She stood in the doorway, her back to me. My face flushed hot. I closed my eyes, but the beautiful warrior stayed place in my mind. Burned into my memories. She remained unchanged from the last moment we’d shared. That day was close to a cycle of seasons ago. I wanted to believe that she would be gone when I opened my eyes… but I knew. I gave pass to a moment… then stole a look. And there she stood. Curving far less buxom than I, yet beyond pleasing to look at, her hair flowed in the morning breeze like dark autumn leaves.

  She had haunted me. Her penetrating blue gaze torturing me night after night in my dreams. She looked just the way I remembered her. Which felt odd, almost like a betrayal after so much had changed between us. It seemed deceptive. Confusing. Or even misleading that she looked the same. As if fate came offering a second chance, delivering me into my own past.

  Close eyes. Open eyes. Even my disorientation and disbelief could not change this. It was her. It was Saratiese. Why now? Why this day? How could she do this? So many thoughts swirled my mind I couldn’t keep up. I knew this could be no lighthearted exchange. Just the sight of Saratiese made my nerves buzz. Which is curious, in a way. Before this past cycle, Saratiese would have been the first person I wanted to see. But things had changed.

  My glare burned into her back and I waited for her to sense the eyes on her. I questioned whether I should speak first. Or at all. Saratiese turned around. At the moment our eyes met, I could feel it. We both fell speechless and the air seemed to chill around us.

  “Sara… tiese.” My voice drifted off, the sound of her name now foreign to my tongue. Lost in the moment, I felt as if I had forgotten all language and, at my own surprise, found myself once again captured by the girl’s beauty. I hadn’t expected that. Not after how I felt about her.

  I hold ordinary features and stand plain to look at by comparison. I know that well. But intimidation never came to my mind. Not in all the time I’d known her. I instead felt drawn in by Saratiese, the same way everyone did.

  “Askca.” The girl muttered, uncertainty in her voice. “I….” She wet her lips as if it might coax her words out, but they refused.

  “Why are you here?” My tone iced the question. Saratiese took a step forward, but hesitated.

  “To see if you were well.”

  “I’m well.” I cut in. “I saw you last night.”

  “I saw you.”

  “You needn’t have come.”

  Sadness crept over Saratiese’s features and she dropped her glance from me. Unbearable moments passed. I felt lost in the confusion, lost on how to feel. I swallowed. “My ceremony is over. I survived. You can leave now.”

  Saratiese stared back at me, her silence expressing the hurt that my words had cut into her heart.

  “Askca-”

  “Leave.” My voice darkened. I couldn’t help it. She brought it out of me. And I could see the determination in Saratiese. I dreaded what was to come.

  “But we need-”

  “Leave.”

  “No!” Saratiese rushed the word out, knowing I would give her no time to try. “Time has passed over us, over this, this memory between us. We need to talk.”

  “Memory?” I scoffed. “Is that all it is to you? A memory? How fortunate that must be.”

  “Askca, that’s not what I meant.”

  “There is no room for talk between us. You know how I feel. You know what I think of you.”

  “I do,” she took a breath, an apologetic glance weighing down her soft features, “…but I have things to say to you, things you must hear.”

  “I don’t need anything from you.” I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks, burning me. “You had your chance and that chance is long passed.”

  “A cycle wasted.” Saratiese sighed, dropping her eyes to the dust.

  “A cycle well spent!” I shouted. Moving to rise, pain flashed my wound. I gripped it, ache straining my hot face. “You know what is left of us….” I gritted out. “We are dead. You are dead.”

  Silence. She just stood there. I shoved past her, staring out the window, into the day and away from my past. The wind picked up, swiping at the trees that surrounded GarTaynia. Whisking through their leaves and stirring up the dust.

  “That is how it is?” I heard her say. I held my stare, concentrating on the sway of trees, refusing to look at her.

  “It is.” I confirmed.

  “I am not going to let this destroy us anymore than it already has.”

  At her words, heat prickled my skin like a rash. Cocking my head, eyeing her, it was all I could do not to scream. “You think just because everyone else dotes on you that I will?”

  Saratiese sunk back. “What?”

  “You know what I’m talking about. You’re beautiful.

  Everyone in GarTaynia stumbles over their own feet just to be near you.”

  “What
are you-”

  “But I won’t. Not today. Not ever.”

  “I’m not asking you to-”

  “Your charms have withered with me, Saratiese.”

  “Charms?” She eyed me. “If I were as alluring as you say, we wouldn’t be here right now. You would have forgiven me by now. You would listen.”

  “Then quite trying.” I said. “There is nothing you can-”

  “No!” She grabbed my arm, squeezing hard. “I’m tired of this! Time between us has wasted away like rotting fruit. We have, or we had, too much. I can understand you needing time. Seasons perhaps. Even a cycle. But today it ends.”

  I shook loose of her hand. “I chose yesterday for my Allegiance ceremony.” I leaned into her. “A cycle to the day. That day.”

  “I know Askca, but the time has come for you to go on with your life.”

  “Can you not see that I have tried?” I felt warm sobs twinging up my chest. Swallowing, I fought the tears off. “I begged for my ceremony. I couldn’t wait a day longer. To be that same girl another day…. I had to change. Become something new. Somebody else.”

  “I know.”

  “No you don’t! I spilled my blood on that alter last night in the name of that day. So that I might make them proud.”

  “You don‘t even see it. You’re not trying to prove yourself to them, you’re trying to prove yourself to you.”

  “I am not that girl anymore. You can‘t come in here and tell me-”

  “You have forgotten the joys you knew.” Saratiese cut me off, shaking her head. “You weren’t always this miserable.”

  The way she said those words, the way she was looking down at me… as if I were a slow child who had disappointed her. It was wrong. It was not her place. None of this was her place.

  “Oh no.” I felt my voice drop cold. “I have not forgotten. I am reminded every day of the joy I’ve lost. The freedom I had to live without these memories. I know what I was before that day. Alive. Alive and blind. But then you opened my eyes, and every time I look at you I‘m reminded of what I’ve lost.”

  “How can you believe I would do that to you?” Saratiese asked in a near whisper.

  “You were there.”

  “You’re never going to understand, are you?”

  “There is nothing to understand. There’s only the truth.”

  “Truth?” She threw her hands up. “...you have no idea how much of the truth you don’t know!”

  “My truth rests in ashes.” My words rang on long after they had been spoken, stealing the breath from my chest.

  After long moments, Saratiese looked away. She couldn’t bare the sting in my words. They were true. No matter how it had come about, the ashes had ended it.

  Saratiese closed her eyes, breathing. Slowly, she leaned in until her arms held me. I stood in the embrace, cold and still. It was too late. I offered not a hand in return, but did not pull away. I simply stood, trembling in Saratiese’s arms. Quite. Saratiese held me close, and I could feel her warm body shaking.

  My stomach burned, my own nervous fear making me sick. I had imagined this moment a thousand times, and yet now in it, lost my words. I pulled back from her until we stood eye to eye, but Saratiese was unable to hold our gaze.

  “It’s so strange,” she spoke under her breath, “the way things have changed between us. I came here with words that I have toiled over for seasons… and now standing here, they fail me.”

  I remained silent, a rush of cold stinging like ice on my skin. I didn’t know what to do. I dropped my gaze, pulling free, leaving Saratiese with empty arms. Moving back

  to my furs, I sat, staring at my hands as they rested in my lap. Breathe. Breathe. I searched to calm myself, but the calm wouldn’t come. Anger tensed my entire body. I did as I could to keep the flashes away, the images that disturbed me every night, but my bitterness would not relent until my mind’s eye recalled every single one. I couldn’t hold my thoughts, my offense, any longer.

  "Why after all this time do you come to me?" I jerked my head up, my glare burning the warrior that now sat across from me. "Why not when I needed you?"

  "I tried-"

  "I don't need your words. I don’t need your sympathy so great I see it spilling over your eyes. What I have lost is lost forever and-”

  “Hear me.” Saratiese pleaded.

  “I know that you care for me, Sara.” I stifled back tears. “And you know I cared for you… but that was before.”

  “No, Askca.” Saratiese said in a defeated tone. “Please don’t say that.”

  “There is nothing else to be said.”

  Saratiese reached to hold my hand. “There is so much to be said.”

  “I don’t need you anymore.” I pulled away. “I can’t."

  "But I'm here. We have to put this resentment between us to rest."

  "Between us?” I glared, cut deep by the words. “What would you have to be resentful for? You lost nothing."

  "I lost everything."

  "By your own hand!"

  "How can you care nothing for me? Gods, Askca! I knew you might never forgive me, but I never expected for you to always hate me.”

  “How could you expect anything else?” Tension chilled the air, and we both went silent.

  Saratiese lifted to her feet and stared down at me, holding the chill between us till she could no longer stand it. “I should never have come. I just...." she dropped into silence, but I could hear the tears climbing into her words.

  I looked up to see tears glassing the girl’s blue eyes. My own sobs fought back up my throat. Truth told, I missed Saratiese. Missed her so much that I resented her for ruining our friendship. I had pushed her out of my life, but it still broke my heart to see her hurt. Once, we had been inseparable, but she had made a choice. She knew that choice would end us. Forever. Still, it was hard to refuse Saratiese, almost impossible. I had to stay strong. The pain in my heart had grown heavy for a cycle. It still ruled me every day. But along with it came a void, eating away at me, growing deeper without Saratiese to fill it.

  I searched for words. Something had to be said. The profound silence felt so awkward and uncomfortable, and at the same time, familiar. It reminded me of the times in the beginning, when things were still fresh and painful, when my days were dark and dead. It made me feel hopeless. That’s why I chose to never speak of it again.

  I wanted to give up this fight. Wrap my arms around Saratiese and forget that any of it ever happened. That’s what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave

  myself open to that hurt again. I had already tried to forget it a thousand times. I couldn’t. So I said the only thing I could think of.

  "I don’t hate you, Sara. I just can’t....” I took a deep breath, lifting to stand across from her. “How can I forgive you?" I looked to Saratiese, desperate for the girl to understand and be patient. I didn’t know if I could ever forgive Saratiese. I just hoped that someday I would.

  "You've changed, Askca.” Her voice wavered, sounding different now. “Just like you wanted. But who you’ve changed into… I don’t recognize." She smeared the tears from her cheek with a hard palm. "We can never get back what we had. You’ve known that all this time. But I’m just now realizing.” Saratiese shrugged, sniffing back more tears. “I always thought we'd get past this somehow, but I just… I don't know you anymore. I don’t think you even know yourself. The Askca I knew… she never came back."

  I stood, stunned. I didn’t understand. Saratiese had never given up on me before. It was an odd feeling so I just stood there. Silent. Uncertain of what to do. To say. I had wanted to believe Saratiese was sorry, but I knew in my heart. She could never be sorry enough.

  "Askca, you're awake." Startled, I turned to see the Queen standing in my doorway.

  CHAPTER 3

  First Commander Masseeia, the woman who preformed my ceremony, stood next to Queen Perseathea in the doorway. Saratiese saluted. I attempted to kneel, ignoring the blistering in m
y sore chest.

  Hiding my surprise, I bowed my head. Queen Perseathea came to me? Unannounced? The Queen came to no one. Anyone seeking the Queen’s council requested appointment and waited to be summoned. I held my tongue, considering it best not to question. Queen Perseathea and Masseeia entered the shade of my hut, stopping in front of Saratiese.

  “Saratiese.” The Queen Acknowledged the girl with a nod.

  Saratiese kept her salute. “My Queen.”

  "Askca,” the Queen drifted her gaze down to me, “now that you are a warrior, you need only salute me. Except in ceremonial occasion."

  I lifted, embarrassed, and saluted. “Of course, my Queen." I offered her a tentative smile. Just the sight of this woman, my mentor, inspired me. Her very presence intoxicated, blurring my mind and confusing my words. She stood our most celebrated warrior. She was everything I aspired to become. And standing before her now, so close, and without the fear of my ceremony clouding my head… it overwhelmed me. The Queen mirrored me with her own warm smile. It never failed to surprise me, the gentle and kind nature that tempered Queen Perseathea’s strong, fearless authority.

  She motioned the room to clear. First Commander Masseeia saluted and withdrew from my hut without a word. Saratiese followed, but turned back to gaze on me one last time. I flit my eyes away from her.

  "Askca,” Queen Perseathea guided me, her hand at my back, “sit.”

  "Yes, my Queen." I resumed my place on the furs, trying to free my mind of Saratiese and our argument. I needed to be attentive to the Queen’s every word. But, the thought of being alone with the magnificent woman made me nervous. And confused. Out of a tribe of thousands, what can she want with me?

  My mind rambled and my palms began to sweat. If not for my ceremony the night before, I doubted the Queen would even know my name. I looked up to this warrior since the days of my brave hood, and unto this very moment. We all did. I felt unworthy. Queen Perseathea stood as the mightiest Queen in the Amazon Nation.

  The Queen took her place, sitting across from me. A warm breeze brushed over my body, reminding me of my tender wound. I shielded it with my elbow, still gazing in awe at the woman across from me. Unable to take my eyes off of her. The same breeze lifted wisps of Queen Perseathea’s golden hair, the sun glistening against the strands to celebrate her matchless splendor.