by Bella Rye
After taking a long shower, she slipped in her pajamas and crashed on the bed. The thought of Nate crossed her mind. She had a wonderful time with him today, and she felt bad it was over.
*
As Nate left Rae at home, he immediately ran into a red traffic light and that came as a relief to him because he had to pull himself together. He had hugged Rae a hundred times so far, but lately he wanted to hold her harder and keep her in his arms a little longer. Every time he was near her, he tried to tell himself that he’s just enjoying her company as a friend, but it was a brazen lie and he knew it. Especially after today.
“Idiot. Why do you have to complicate your life?” he gasped and accelerated the car.
Rae was different than all the woman he knew. With her, everything felt natural. And different. Different than it was with Sharon. He met her when he came to London. Lisa had lived in London for several years after their parents died and soon he decided to join her. She soon introduced him to her friends, and Sharon was one of them. She and Nate even worked in partner firms, so they often collaborated.
After a few business meetings and get-togethers at Lisa’s, they went out on a dinner. One thing led to the other and he felt it was reasonable for him to marry her. Reasonable. When he thought of it now, he wanted to hit himself with a bat. Although he loved Sharon, it was not a whirlwind romance, as some people would imagine. They were both realistic, had a similar way of thinking, and he thought it was a valid marriage. Then it stopped being. They stopped having the same interests and desires and that drove them apart. Therefore, after five years, they decided it was time to continue their lives separately and that was the best decision they ever made. She eventually married his colleague and had a beautiful baby girl. They still keep in touch now and then.
Nate never felt with Sharon the way he feels with Rae, and the thought of that caught him by surprise. He never cared so much about her opinion as he cares about Rae’s. Not that he did not appreciate it, but when it comes to Rae, it's just different. It's as he's afraid he'll lose her if he says or do something wrong.
When he parked his car in front of his building, he welcomed the surge of cold air because it made him come out of thinking about Rae. A lot of other things needed his attention.
When he entered the penthouse, he dropped his coat, poured himself a drink, and sat on the sofa reaching for his laptop to read the latest emails. One of them was from Professor Gregory Hendricks, who sent him an email to confirm the London appointment in two months. He quickly responded and put away the laptop. Then he finished his drink and while brown liquid warmed up his throat, he felt he was drifting asleep.
Chapter 2.
Two weeks have passed in the blink of an eye. Rae looked out through the window of her room. The Christmas lights were gone. Nevertheless, the winter atmosphere was still there. The branches of the trees bent from the heaviness of the snow, and lights coming from street lamps made the white covering look like glitter.
It was almost 9 pm, and she had just finished packing. Bus was scheduled to leave at 6 am the next morning. Her hometown was only 3 hours away by car but she suspected this time would take a little longer because of icy roads. She originally planned to drive herself there, but eventually decided to take the bus.
Mom called her, and bossy as she is, she practically yelled at her, “Rae, don’t you dare driving on that icy roads alone. And why don’t you wait for Nate? He’s coming on Sunday.”
Part of her wanted to spend 3-4 hours with Nate in his car, but she decided she would rather go alone a little earlier, even if it means taking the bus just to calm her mom.
“I don’t have any classes, and I want to spend an extra time with you guys. You know Nate's only coming for the party, and heading back the next morning.” Rae knew how to reach her mom’s soft spot. Spending time together was something they both wished.
She and Nate have exchanged a few emails and texts during the past week, but the night before her departure, he called her.
“Nate, is everything ok?” She was surprised to hear from him.
"I'm driving to a late meeting, and you'll probably be asleep when I get back, so I just wanted to wish you a safe trip.”
Rae was relieved nothing major happened, like him canceling his arrival.
“Thanks. So, I’ll see you on Sunday?” she asked.
“Absolutely kiddo”.
She hated when he called her that and he knew that.
“Okay then, sleep well old man.” She emphasized the last two words. He laughed and hung up.
*
The morning came quickly, and before the sun got up Rae was already sitting on the bus with a new book and headphones in her ears.
Thankfully, the bus wasn’t crowded, and she was able to get a window seat so she could occupy her mind with a book, without being pushed by everyone walking through the bus aisle. In addition, she would always get nervous when it comes to visiting her hometown. Hollands was very close and people had a good reason to call them a "clan". But Rae also had some bad memories regarding the place she called home.
As usual, somewhere on halfway to home, the images started coming, flooding her mind.
She was 9 years old, it was midwinter, and she skated on a frozen lake with some children from the neighborhood. Not many kids were out that day since there was a chickenpox outbreak and most of them were on the mandatory bed rest. Killian, her friend, was making fun of her skating, and she angrily tried to figure out some sassy comment about his skills. Suddenly, she noticed Killian disappeared. At one point, he was there, and in the second, he wasn’t. He fell through the ice. She should have yelled. The adults were only a few dozen meters away. But she was so shocked she couldn’t move or shout. Time seemed to stop, and she tried driving all the power she had in her to move, to scream. But nothing happened. After a few moments, one of the adults, Mr. Johansson, noticed her staring down at the lake, and he figured out what had happened. They pulled out Killian and saved him. He was in hospital for days, but luckily, he recovered.
No one has ever said anything wrongful or accusing towards Rae. After all, her reaction, or lack of it to be more specific, alarmed Mr. Johansson as he noticed something was wrong with her.
Killian fully recovered, and soon after moved away since his dad was in the army.
However, Rae changed forever. She watched on as someone almost died, and she never forgot the feeling of helplessness and inability to react. This had resulted in panic attacks that consumed a great part of her life. The worst part was the humiliation and anger she felt at the inability to regain control when a panic attack occurred. However, her own pain made her an empathic person, who could read people, sympathize with them and listen to them. With her natural sense of humor, that could have bring her many friends, but she chose not to let anyone too deep in her life. So she focused on her family and Inez. And now, Nate.
Rae tried to control her life as best she could. She decided to find something she is good at and exceed at it. Math was predictable, solvable, and controllable. The professors did not ask her to save someone's life. They wanted her to find a partial derivation of the function. And over time, panic attacks became bearable. But Rae firmly decided she would never again put herself in a situation where she would feel helpless. What if someone tries depending on her, and she lets him/her down? The fear of losing someone she cared about deeply infected her and made her build walls around her.
*
The sounds coming from the crowded bus station got Rae to stop thinking. She came off the bus and took a deep breath. It was chilly and her breath instantly froze mid-air.
“Rae, honey!” She overheard someone screaming her name.
“Over here.” She saw her mom waving and jumping. Rae accelerated her pace, dragging her suitcase and hugged the two of her favorite people in the world.
“How did you travel, sweetheart? I hope the driver was cautious. You didn’t have any problems, did you?” Her dad ambushed her.
“It was ok, dad. The driver handled snowy conditions like a pro. Oh wait, he is a pro.” Rae couldn’t resist teasing him.
Mom immediately added, “Oh, It’ll get worse, honey. They are forecasting nearly two feet of snow for later this week. Isn’t that right, Brad?” Brad nodded and Rae got a little worried. “I have to be back at university on Tuesday. I hope roads will be cleared by then.”
But Rae quickly forgot all about weather forecast while chatting to her parents. It’s been a month since she saw them, and she really missed them. They lived 15 minutes away from her grandparents and ran a small local grocery store. Alice, her mom was in charge of sale, and Brad, her dad was responsible for all the accounting and orders. Grandma and grandpa were vital enough to live alone on their farm, but Alice and Brad visited them every day. During holidays and gatherings, they all stayed at their house because it was more spacious. When Rae was little, she spent her time equally at both houses, so she even had two bedrooms.
After 20 min, they arrived at the farm. Grandma came out the very second she saw their car and hugged Rae before she could even step out of the car. In the meanwhile, grandpa yelled from behind, “Where's my girl?”
“It’s so good to see you.” Rae smiled at them.
“Come in.” Grandma grabbed her hand and pulled her to the house.
“I have blueberry scones waiting for you. Still warm, just as you like them. And a hot cup of coffee, of course,” she added, almost forgetting the most essential thing- caffeine, the source of fuel of all Holland women.
“Grandma, you are godsend.” Rae hugged her realizing how much she missed being pampered by her.
After heavenly brunch, Rae went to her old room to unpack. She was excited she had three days of family time, although all of it will go on party preparations. Because when Hollands are having a party, it’s not just a party. It’s a feast. And the dress code is "Anything with the elastic waistband".
Chapter 3.
On Sunday morning, while sipping coffee and eating her second chocolate chip muffin, Rae’s cell phone vibrated. She got a text from Nate and her eyes immediately lid up.
“On my way. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“You mean 4 hours. Don’t go crazy on the road. You’re not Santa and you’re not driving a sled,” Rae immediately typed. After she clicked the send button, she tried not to clap herself on the head at this, almost motherly tone. But when he replied “Yes ma'am,” she couldn’t help but chuckle.
"He’s coming,” Rae whispered while biting her lip, and looked impatiently through the window.
*
Nate caught himself swearing at the annoyingly slow speed of the wipers. It was snowing and with every mile he crossed, it got worse. For a moment, he considered cancelling this trip. After all, it’s altogether 8 hours of driving within 24 hours. But the thought of Rae waiting there made him instantly dismiss that idea.
When she told him to drive cautiously, a strange feeling crawled into him. Was it happiness about the fact that she cared? That there is someone out there who’s waiting for him to come? Frankly, he would have given anything for her to show interest in him like that.
Hence, this weather conditions made him nervous as hell. Honestly, he couldn’t drive faster even if he wanted. The roads were a mess. In addition, he didn’t feel good these last couple of days. His trip to London and meeting with professor Hendricks, finishing the deal he was working on, overtime hours, lack of sleep... It consumed him. But now, all he wanted is to enjoy the pleasant Sunday afternoon ahead of him.
After a short break to get a cup of coffee to keep him awake and concentrated, he finally parked his car on Holland’s driveway. The view of the farm and house brought on memories. When he was a kid, he often visited Dorothy and George, Rae’s grandparents. They weren’t family per se, but his father was George's best friend, and they acted like brothers. Their kids felt the same. But while Lisa was like Brad’s sister, Nate and Brad never had the same relationship. His parents had him later in life and the age gap was just too big. So Nate turned out to be neither Brad’s nor Rae's generation. Although he wasn’t as close to the Holland’s as Lisa, he still thought of them as his second family.
Nate got out of the car and saw Rae waiting at the porch. Assuming the rest of the family were busy with preparations, he suppressed his sudden desire to run to Rae, so he walked towards her smiling and trying to calm his heartbeat.
She stood there, with her arms wrapped around her, in a long oversized sweater, revealing one of her shoulders. Her hair was swept to one side, and she wore no makeup. Yet, in Nate’s eyes she was the most perfect thing he ever saw, and against his will, possessiveness took over. She was waiting for him.
“It took you four and a half hours.” Rae smirked at him.
“Well, mom, you said I should take my time,” he grinned while his heart warmed up.
“Well, I was worried, you bonehead,” mimicking his expression she looked at him rebelliously.
Nate tried to say something, but he noticed her shiver from cold, so he just reached to her and pulled her in embrace. It was supposed to be a quick hug for hello. But her arms wrapped around him and her body relaxed while she buried her face against his chest. Nate found himself rubbing his lips over her naked shoulder. “Just for a moment”, he thought for himself. His instincts kicked in and it required every ounce of his self-control not to let his lips continue gliding along her silky skin any more than appropriate.
“The roads were worse than I expected. But I’m here.”
“Good.” He heard her murmur in his jacket.
“So, where’s the rest of the Holland clan? Have you cooked all the meat available in the 50-mile radius?” Nate unwillingly let Rae go.
“Almost,"”Rae laughed and took him inside.
Within a few minutes, Nate was hugged and kissed more than in the past six months. He wasn’t much of a hugger, but with them, it felt natural. “With one of them particularly,” a thought crossed his mind.
*
Rae let Nate refresh and change clothes in one of the guest rooms because he looked like a train wreck, though still irresistible in his jeans, brown sweater and a trendy winter jacket. He asked her to borrow her laptop to check his emails, while she went to help her grandmother and mom make the final preparations before having twenty family members, and friends rush through the house.
Half an hour later, everything was ready for the guests to arrive so Rae went to take a quick shower and get herself ready. With her hair swept back into a low, messy bun, she put on her favorite green dress, slightly revealing her back and black suede flats. She loved heels, but rarely wore them. In her opinion, there was a big difference between looking good and feeling good and she liked doing things without shooting pain getting in the way. Still, Rae had the kind of legs that looked amazing even without heels.
The second she got out of her room, she ran into Nate on the hallway. He was elegant in black trousers and light grey shirt. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Rae couldn’t help but remember their embrace when he arrived. It felt like he kissed her shoulder. On the other hand, maybe she just imagined that. God knew she had plenty of imagination.
Nate went to say something funny, but he just whispered, “You look beautiful.”
These were just two words, a compliment that Rae would hear again that night coming from the mouth of a dozen family members. However, it was something in the way he said it that got Rae blush.
“Thank you,” she whispered back. “I have to admit, you don’t look too bad yourself”, she added and smiled.
That radiant smile turned her face so sexy and adorable that his heart fluttered. He smiled back, gallantly stretching his hand to her and as she accepted it, they went down the stairs to the lobby that was already filling with guests.
Nate couldn’t keep his eyes of Rae for the entire evening. When Dorothy instructed him to sit next to Rae during dinner, he didn’t object whatsoever.
The evening passed in laughter, too much food and light conversation. Nate was enchanted by Rae’s ability to make everybody smile and feel special. There was also one emotion that showed up every time one of them kissed or hugged her. Jealousy. “You are soooo screwed,” the voice inside him whispered ominously, but Nate decided to ignore it, as always.
At one point Rae’s dad and uncle Mike even decided to arm wrestle for the last piece of cake.
“Mike, you should cut down that Merlot, you took a pain-killer for your arm before we came here,” Rose, Rae’s aunt, unintentionally sabotaged her husband while Rae and Nate tried not to burst into laughter. And indeed, Mike had a little more drink than usual.
“Oh, come on Rose. It’s George’s and Dorothy's anniversary. We have to celebrate properly. Actually, I believe a toast is in order.” George reached for his fork and as he tried to tap the glass, it broke in his hand, and blood and shattered glass filled it.
“Arghh, I’m bleeding,” he yelled.
“Rae, bring a first aid kit! Quick!” Aunt Rose turned to Rae because she was the closest.
It was a simple request. But not to Rae. Indescribable panic took over and her heart started pounding, threatening to jump out of her chest. Her eyes kept moving from red stains and glass covering the tablecloth to Mike’s hand. No matter how hard she tried snapping out of it and do something, do what Rose asked her to do, she couldn’t move.
Someone has already brought a napkin to uncle Mike, and she heard, “Oh, it’s barely a scratch,” but it didn’t get to her. She was still there, in her own limbo, unable to move. Suddenly, she felt someone’s hand on hers. It was Nate’s. That simple gesture made Rae snap out of her frantic thoughts, and she abruptly stood up and ran outside.
“I told her to slow down with that chocolate cake,” Nate said to the crowd while standing up. He gave Alice a reassuring look and rushed outside to find Rae. No one really paid attention because they all teased Mike how all the "blood" was actually wine.