by Bella Rye
Only Alice anxiously kept looking at the door.
*
When Nate found Rae, she stood outside the house, in snow, gripping to the fence and keeping her head down. He heard her short and shallow breathing. Her shoes sank down in snow, and she was trembling. Nate knew about her panic attacks and the story behind them. Actually, he was aware of the incident that happened when Rae was little because it wasn’t a secret, but it wasn’t until last year that he found out details from Lisa. And Rae herself once hinted at the fact she had been having trouble with panic attacks, though she never told him any details.
“Rae!” Nate cried out. Seeing her so powerless and fragile scared him and enraged him. He wished that the reason of her torment was palpable, so he could crush it, destroy it forever.
“Nate, it is OK. I just need some air. Go back inside,” she yelled back at him. There was no way she would let him see her like that.
“The hell I will,” he murmured, and in less than two seconds, he was standing right beside her. He gently removed her tight grip from the fence, grabbed her by her shoulders and lowered his head to hers.
“Look at me, Rae.“
There was no reaction.
“Look at me baby.” Nate tried again.
Rae lifted her head and he saw the mixture of fear, anger and shame that broke his heart.
“Just breathe," he said gently, pulling her into his arms. He felt her hesitate, but then she gave in and wrapped her arms around him tightly. The cold winter air combined with distress made her shake uncontrollably, so he slightly pushed her away only to unwrap his jacket and then pulled her back to his body, wrapping them both in warm fabric.
“It’s ok. It will pass,” he whispered in her hair as he felt her body tranquilize and her breathing slow down. After a minute, she looked up and moved away a bit.
“I'm fine. I just panicked a little.” She forced a smile.
“You know, it’s been a while since... Well, since something like that had happen and it just got me off tracks.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Rae. I understand.” Nate put his hand on her chin.
“I just want you to be ok.” He would do anything to protect her. That painful realization caught him off guard.
In order to cheer her up, he added, “I may have embarrassed you and accused you of gluttony when it comes to chocolate cake.”
A silent chuckle escaped her mouth and Nate felt tremendous relief.
Rae didn’t want to move away from Nate. It felt so warm, so comfortable. Like she belonged there. She wanted it so bad that she forgot her flats were destroyed and her feet were freezing. Another nightmare just ended and Rae desperately wanted to keep the feeling of relief she felt while being in his arms. Moments after panic attack were usually worse than attack itself because she had to deal with its trigger. However, this time, Nate made it easier.
“Thank you, Nate.” She reluctantly pulled out of his embrace and glimpsed at him wishing he felt the same. There was only one emotion Rae was scared of seeing on his face- pity. Thankfully, there was no trace of it. Only warmth.
“Jesus, can you still feel your toes?” his eyes moved to her feet.
“Good question,” she thought to herself.
He lifted her up and before she got to protest, he took her back to the house. Everyone was still in the dining room, so the lobby was empty. Nate dropped her down, and she immediately took off her shoes. He grabbed her by her hand and took her to the living room. His eyes pointed at the sofa. Rae got the hint and obediently sat down pulling her legs up to her body. Nate grabbed the blanket and covered her with it. He gently wrapped her feet with another one, and Rae put on a painful grimace. Frostbites, she thought. Can this go any worse?
As she was about to get into long self-pity monologue, her mom walked in.
“Rae, honey, is everything ok?” Concern in her voice was more than obvious.
“I’m fine, mom. Really,” Rae convincingly said.
Alice relaxed in relief and was about to say something, but then she noticed her daughter’s eyes was focused on Nate, giving her a reassuring smile. Up until now, that was her job, she thought.
“If you want, you can go back to the party, but if you don’t, that’s ok, too. People think you’re feeling ill, anyway.” She smiled softly at her daughter, squeezed her hand and returned to the guests.
Nate felt Alice's look but couldn’t interpret it. Frankly, he was afraid to interpret it.
“You can go back there. I’ll just go and change my clothes and will be back, too.” Rae interrupted him in his thoughts.
“I’m coming with you” is what he wanted to say, but he just nodded, gave her a brief smile and exited the room.
Nate’s emotions were all over the place. He told himself he reacted as any other member of Rae’s family would. He helped her feel better; he comforted her. Right?
“Yeah, any other family member would keep her so close under his jacket,” he heard little annoying voice in his head while getting a drink.
Rae watched Nate go back to the party, then left to her room, and slipped into woolliest socks she could find. She couldn’t decide whether to return to guests or not, but she promised Nate she would.
People were about to leave when she came down the stairs. After a dozen of “feel better soon”, they all hugged her and left.
“What a mess.” Alice mumbled to her chin while inspecting the dining room.
“Oh, honey, we’ll clean in the morning. Let’s get some sleep first,” Dorothy stepped in.
Everybody agreed. “It was a great party,” George added kissing Dorothy. The two couples started giggling, and Rae couldn’t help but notice that they were a little tipsy.
“Great,” she whispered to Nate. “We are the rational adults here.”
“Well then, let’s get those kids to bed, shall we?” Nate played along and turned to them, “Ok, why don’t you guys hit the sack? Rae and I will lock the door, close the windows and we’ll see you in the morning.”
Just like kids, they all obeyed and he and Rae couldn’t stop laughing in silence and looking at each other as they were watching them march up the stairs. After locking the place down, they climbed the stairs together. As Rae was about to enter her room, Nate gently touched her shoulder. He only wanted to get her attention but his hand stayed there, slowly circling around the hem of her dress and her bare skin. That dress made sitting next to her at dinner a living hell. The way it hugged her curves drove him mad, but it was an unobstructed view of her exposed neck and a part of her back every time she would look away that made heat rush through his veins. And now he desperately fought the urge to press his lips on that delicate skin and explore more of it.
Nate’s touch paralyzed Rae, but in a good way. It made her heart pound so hard she was glad she was facing the door and not him. Over years, she had plenty of panic attacks, but this one didn’t occupy her mind as much as the man who helped her handle it. That startled her. And now, his touch aroused her.
“Are you going to be ok?” he asked.
“Yeah, all good,” she nodded. “Good night Nate. Thank you for everything.” She reached for the doorknob but then turned to him and added, “I’ll see you in the morning before you leave”.
Nate planned to leave the first thing in the morning because he had a meeting in early afternoon. Rae, however, planned to leave at night, after helping mom and grandma clean the house and spend a little more time with them.
Chapter 4.
Unsurprisingly, Nate and Rae were the first ones to wake up in the morning. The fact they were the only ones hangover-free probably had something to with it.
Rae had just made coffee when Nate entered the kitchen wearing tracksuit bottoms and white t-shirt. The white fabric tightened around his biceps and throbbing sensation passed through her stomach. In her mind, she blurted “Damn,” but decided to go for “Good morning” instead.
“Morning,” Nate smiled back at her, sat
at the kitchen counter opposing her, grabbed two cups and nudged them towards her. She poured in the black liquid. They sat in silence for a few minutes; each of them engaged in their own thoughts.
“So how did you sleep?” Rae broke the silence.
“Honestly, not so good. I have a lot on my mind.” Nate remarked tiredly.
Rae wondered if it had something to do with her. However, judging by the look on his face, whatever was on his mind, it didn’t seem to be a pleasant thought.
Nate read her face and quickly added, “Work, meetings... You know.” The truth was she was on his mind as well. Work was something he could deal with, but Rae was something new.
“Oh", a sigh of relief escaped her.
“How are your toes?” Nate asked half-seriously.
“Well, I’m happy to inform you that their original color is coming back.”
“Great, cause I hear indigo blue is not the color of the year,” he jokingly added.
“Indigo blue? Nathaniel Summers, did you read Vogue during your insomnia period last night?” Rae faked a state of shock.
Pretending to be greatly offended, he tossed a napkin at her. Rae was about to toss it back when Dorothy, George, Alice and Brad walked in.
“Honey, did you hear the forecast for tonight? Snowstorm, they say.” Alice breathlessly said while looking at her phone. Brad put his arms around his wife looking at the forecast at her phone. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they cancel all the buses for tonight.”
“But I have to be at the university tomorrow. I have to turn my paper in.” Rae jumped from her chair,
“Why don’t you go back with Nate? I know you wanted to stay a little longer but I trust him more than some bus driver. Especially in the middle of the snowstorm. Your safety comes first,” Brad suggested.
Rae wasn’t worried about her safety as much as she worried she’d miss her deadline for turning in the paper. It was a last step before getting her degree.
With an inquiring look, she turned to Nate.
“That’s fine by me,” he reassuringly said not even waiting for her to ask. “But we should leave soon. I don’t know how long it will take us to get there and I have a meeting in the afternoon.”
“I'll get ready.” Rae agreed and left the kitchen to pack. This wasn’t part of her plan, but she had no time to contemplate. Turning in her paper was too important and leaving with Nate was the best option. And the most tormenting option.
“Ok, be still,” Rae told her heart. Lately, that heart of hers had some crazy ideas.
*
Thirty minutes later, as Rae said goodbye to her family, she got into Nate’s Range Rover. He had his one leg inside the car as her dad was just finishing another “drive carefully” lesson. She grabbed Nate’s arm and pulled him inside the car.
“Ok dad, I think he got it the first time,” she leaned towards her dad and shouted, so he could hear her from the noise of the car engine. Brad shrugged his shoulders, then smiled and shouted, “Love you honey. Call us when you get there.”
“Ready?” Nate finally closed the car door and winked at Rae.
“Beam us up, Scotty,” she boldly said quoting one of her favorite Star Trek lines.
“Really, you’re a trekkie, too? Not long ago you quoted Lord of the Rings.” Nate looked surprised.
“It’s called being versatile.” Rae smiled confidently.
“Well, thanks for informing me.” Nate smiled back and they drove away.
After barely twenty min, heavy snow started. They didn’t talk much because Nate was focused on driving. At one point, their car almost drifted off-road and Rae instinctively grabbed Nate’s leg. Realizing it wasn’t very wise of her to disrupt him; she covered her mouth in a gesture of self-reproach and started apologizing.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok.” Nate pulled over and didn’t seem to be angry. He tried to assess the road looking through the car window.
“It doesn’t look good. But don’t worry. I’ll bring you home safe, I promise.” He placed his hand on top of hers and let their fingers intertwine. Both of them stayed silent and just let their hands say everything on their mind and heart. Because their mouths had no courage.
“Now, are you ready for another round of snow vs. us?” Nate tried cheering Rae up.
“Bring it on.” She bravely nodded.
*
Instead of three hours, it took them five hours to get to his building. Nate had a meeting in twenty minutes, and he was nervous while trying to come up with some solution. Rae’s place was another fifteen minutes in an opposite direction from his office. Mr. Sasaki was coming to go through some details about upcoming merger. Not even a tsunami could stop that businessman from coming, so Nate knew a no-show on his side would cause a bad outcome.
“Why don’t you wait for me in my apartment? I’ll take you home when I come back,” he suggested.
“Yeah, if it’s not a problem for you...” Rae knew he was on a tight schedule, so she had no choice.
“God, no. Just take a shower, eat something, feel yourself at home. I won’t be long.” He gave Rae his keys and she prepared herself to face the surge of cold air while exiting the car.
“Drive carefully. It’s getting worse,” she warned him. The streets were empty and covered in snow, and she thought it must have been a hell of an important meeting for him.
“I drove all the way here, what’s another few minutes?” Nate smiled tiredly. He waited for her to enter his building and then eased away from the curb and slowly down the road.
Chapter 5.
Rae felt weird being alone in Nate’s apartment for the first time. But she fell in love with it the moment she entered. It was just the way she pictured it. Warm, woody, with many books and huge windows. It could use a woman’s touch, but she was quite impressed.
For the first half an hour, she went through his library and as she moved her fingers across all the titles, she wondered if he had read all these books. The caffeine deprivation kicked in, so she made herself coffee and sat on his sofa. “Oh God, I’m taking you with me”, she blurted at loud as she sank into soft comfortable fabric.
She thought about making herself something to eat, but she wasn’t hungry and decided to take a long hot shower instead. When she reluctantly got out of it, she realized her bag was still in Nate’s car, which meant she had no clean clothes. Then she remembered walking past laundry room on the way to the bathroom. Nate wouldn’t mind if she borrows his t-shirt, she hoped.
Three hours after Nate left her there; Rae looked out the window. Outside, the visibility was zero, and she worried about him. When she heard the doorbell, she jumped.
It was Nate, all covered in snow, looking exhausted.
“Hey.” His eyes lit up when they met hers.
“Hey. I was worried.”
“It’s the bloody North Pole outside,” he muttered. “I think I had enough of snow and driving for this year.”
Then he suddenly paused. “God, you need to get home.” Running his fingers through wet hair, he frowned, and the wrinkle between his eyebrows deepened.
“Well.. I…” Rae started to feel uncomfortable.
“Stay,” he looked at her. “Stay here tonight. By morning, the streets will be cleared. I'll drive you home so you can get your paper and I'll even take you to the university” It felt like a reasonable preposition. Weather conditions were awful and he was exhausted. In addition, he didn’t want to put Rae through another snowy ride.
Rae hesitated. But when she saw him standing there, tired and wet, looking like someone sucked the life out of him, she just nodded in acceptance.
“Ok. I’ll sleep on the couch. We got pretty intimate with each other in the last few hours, anyway. Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make some dinner?” She didn’t like the way he looked, and she sure as hell won’t contribute to it by forcing him to drive her home.
Nate nodded obediently and dragged himself to the bathroom. H
e felt broken, weak, and his stomach turned. It was all strangely familiar to him. When he closed the bathroom door and leaned on them, he noticed the wet shower walls. Then it hit him. Rae was in his house. Just the two of them. For the first time. And she was standing in his shower moments ago. Naked. With water flowing all over her body.
“Stop it; you idiot” he growled at himself as he entered the shower. At first, he turned the water tap to hot, but suddenly he changed his mind, and he welcomed cold water on his body. God knew he needed it…
When he came out of the shower, Rae was standing in the kitchen, frying bacon and eggs. It was only then that he realized she was wearing his t-shirt. It was so big on her that it reached her knees; and the sleeves, which were short on him, covered her arms all the way to the elbows. The idea of Rae wearing something that belonged to him woke some primitive desire in him.
“Maybe you should take another cold shower,” that little voice in his head mocked him.
Rae turned to him and he got alarmed she’d guess what he was thinking.
“Oh, sorry, the bag with my clothes is still in your car, and …”
“No, no, it's ok.” He interrupted her. “It looks good on you,” he said hoarsely while turning away from her to the stove to get the chance to pull himself together. “Now, this smells great.”
Rae filled their plates and sat opposing him. For some inexplicable reason, he looked terribly tense, but at least he didn’t look as weary; she thought.
They ate in silence and when they finished, Nate stood up, put his plate in the dishwasher and asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in my room? I can sleep on the sofa.”
Rae shook her head. "Your sofa is more comfortable than my bed, Nate. This is an upgrade for me. Trust me. A spaceship," she smiled reassuringly.
“As you wish, my lady.” Nate tried brightening up the atmosphere and then disappeared in his room only to come back shortly after, carrying a pillow and a blanket. “Here's some extra equipment for your spaceship,” he grinned.