What if

by Bella Rye

  “Thanks.” Rae caught the pillow he gently threw at her and smiled. “You can go to sleep. You've been through a lot in past 36 hours and I know you’re exhausted. I’ll clean up.”

  She saw the inner struggle in him, but he finally sighed. “You're right, I could use some sleep.” He went towards his room, but then he turned to her and said, “If you need anything, just shout. I’m a light- sleeper.”

  “Me too,” she thought to herself as she nodded.

  There wasn’t a lot to clean, so within minutes, Rae was lying on Nate's comfortable sofa, but couldn’t sleep. The images of Nate lying in the next room danced in her head. He looked particularly tired tonight, and she knew he was wrapped up in his work, but she hoped she didn’t contribute to it. With everything going on, he had to deal with her, too. She felt guilty for disrupting his life. And when she breathed in the scent of his t-shirt, she felt even guiltier.

  Only a few feet away, on his bed, Nate was staring at the ceiling. Thousands of thoughts passed through his head. But one was dominant. Rae. In his t-shirt caressing her body, on his sofa. He felt unusual ache in his body.

  “It’s called lust,” that bloody voice attacked him again, and he felt powerless against it.

  Alice watched him strangely yesterday. Did she notice something different about this visit? Should have he let her go comfort Rae after her panic attack? Was he in trouble? Or worse, did he get Rae in trouble? Rae told him she sent a message to her parents to let them know they arrived safely, but she didn’t tell them where she was now. All the better, Nate thought.

  Two hours later, Nate assumed that Rae had fallen asleep and went to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He was about to reach the doorknob when he realized he was only in his boxers. He quickly pulled on tracksuit bottoms and exited the room.

  Rae was sitting by the window, her naked legs pulled up to her chin, wearing that t-shirt of his and gazing through the glass. She didn’t notice him. The street lamp illuminated her hair and face, and she looked sad. He felt something tightening around his chest.

  Suddenly, she turned her head in his direction, and he felt like a kid who was caught spying on girls in the locker room. He flinched and knocked a book from the shelf behind him. She stared at him surprised with her mouth slightly open. He began apologizing, feeling like an idiot for invading her privacy.

  “Ermm... sorry, I just went to get a glass of water.” He turned away to leave, but then he heard a silent scream.

  "Nate!" Rae made a few steps toward him holding her hand on her mouth as if she tried to stop the sound coming from her. Nate looked lost in his own house throughout this entire evening and she felt terrible.

  “I am the one who’s sorry. You have so much on your mind. I see how tired you are. And if that’s not enough, now you have to worry about me. I’m such a hassle. I... I occupied your apartment, your time… Not just today. Yesterday...”

  Nate put his hands on his head and interrupted her loudly. “Stop. You don’t understand.” He came closer to her, so close he could feel her breath on his bare chest, and continued. “Rae, you're not a hassle. You are... I want you here,” he said with such despair in his voice, as if it hurt him to admit that. Then he lowered his forehead to meet hers, and the uncontrollable desire to kiss her consumed him.

  Rae was overpowered by his scent. With absolutely no control over it, she touched his chest softly as his forehead touched hers. She felt his heartbeat. Her fingers moved across his perfectly shaped torso. “What are you doing?” She yelled in her mind, wanting to slap herself.

  “Rae,” Nate murmured as his eyes darkened and closed. The way he pronounced her name send the wave of heat through her.

  "Nate," she whispered back.

  As Nate felt her breath on his skin he desperately tried to fight off the need to take her, to consume her all, make her his.

  He clenched his teeth and whispered, “Things could change forever Rae. It takes so little. I can’t do this.”

  The next thoughts he kept to himself. “I can’t do this to you or to myself. If I have you, I will never be able to let you go. And you don’t deserve being sucked into my life.”

  Gasping with painful expression on his face, he moved away from her and quickly walked away into his room.

  Rae couldn’t move. She just stared at the empty room. Then she collapsed on the sofa, burying her hands into her face, struggling not to cry from embarrassment, rejection and more than anything- need. Need that wouldn’t go away.

  She saw incredible control in him. Something she already strove to accomplish her entire life, although not always successful. Did he want her? In what way? And did it matter anyway? He will never allow her to find out, as he will not let relationships die, friendships and family break. The truth is, neither would she. She would never drag him into her screwed up life.

  But for the first time, a small part of her wanted to climb out of that walls she built so carefully.

  The next day, Rae had left before Nate woke up. She couldn’t sleep all night and as soon as snow stopped, she sneaked out. When she finally entered her own little apartment, she closed the door and stood there leaning on them.

  After few minutes, she straightened up and breathed in.

  “Okay, let’s get some work done,” she whispered to herself as she took a shower, put on some clean clothes, grabbed her bag and went to the university.

  When she finally turned in her paper, Inez caught up with her in the corridor. Rae looked at her as if she hadn’t seen her in ages.

  ”How was your trip?” her friend was curious. Then she gave her a second look. “What happened?”

  Rae only briefly answered, "I’ll tell you later" and added, “Don’t worry.” Right now, all she wanted was to sleep.

  *

  Rae didn’t hear a word from Nate for three weeks. She knew he was leaving for London in two weeks and hoped he would call or write, but it didn’t happen. She would check her email every morning but there was no word from him. She missed him. She missed sharing random thoughts with him. And more than anything, she missed his presence, his scent. It was like he imprinted on her.

  During these few weeks, she successfully defended her thesis, and was happy about it. Yet, she wanted to share her success with Nate.

  Inez organized a girl’s night out to celebrate, and Rae was sipping her second cocktail when she received a text.

  “Congratulations. You deserved it. XO. Nate.”

  How did he know? Who told him? He couldn’t find out anywhere except ... Except from her family. Did he talk to them?

  “Thanks,” she wrote. However, vodka in her cocktail encouraged her to write another message. “I miss you."

  She stared at her phone for a minute, but it seemed like an eternity. Then the screen finally lit up as she held her breath.

  “I miss you too.”

  Soon, another message appeared. “Did you hear about fast food chain opening next to that little sandwich shop on 3rd street?“

  A sigh of relief passed through her. "Don’t get me started..."

  Not even loud music at the club couldn’t outvoice Rae’s thought- “He is back.”

  *

  Nate read her text dozens of times. “I miss you,” she wrote. Last three weeks were hell, as he was at the very verge of self-destruction, thinking he had lost her. He was mad at himself for almost ruining everything that night. It was inexcusable because he invited her to stay, and she trusted him. Then he barely stopped himself from devouring her.

  “Nice choice of words,” that voice inside him mocked him. But it was true. He felt this lust that he never felt before. He wanted her so bad that it hurt. So bad that he spent every night since then, thinking about Rae and what he would do to her, to her body. Every time he cried out her name in ecstasy. And seconds later he’d went furious at himself.

  Therefore, he couldn’t call her. He couldn’t write her. The reason was simple- what if he couldn’t fight the need to pull her in his
life deeper than he should?

  Then Alice called him yesterday. It wasn’t unusual to hear from Rae’s family, but Brad would usually be the one who called him. Allegedly, she just wanted to check in how he’s doing. Then she got to the point.

  “Thank you for taking care of Rae that night. You know, with us being away; I'm so grateful she has you in her life over there. Now that she had defended her thesis, she will probably soon go on a job hunt and I know you’ll have plenty of advice...”

  Nate didn't hear the rest of the sentence. He missed her thesis defense. He wasn’t there for her.

  There was one more thing that Alice said and this time he heard it right.

  “You know, we all love you very much, even though you’re not technically family...“ Then she paused. “And maybe that’s a good thing, huh?” She didn’t wait for an answer and promptly said, “Well, I have to go. Bye Nate.”

  Nate stared at the blank screen of his phone. What did she mean? Was she not upset at him? At his close relationship with Rae? Is it possible she thinks the opposite? He found himself infected with hope.

  But first things first, he decided. Rae was on the verge of academic success, and he wasn’t by her side. He was so proud of her, and she needed to know that.

  And now after a few texts, he finally got her back. Just the way they were. “It will have to be enough”, he concluded.

  Chapter 6.

  “Hey mom.” Rae walked in her mom’s kitchen.

  “Hey honey. Coffee’s ready.” Alice smiled.

  “Sweetheart, don't forget to get delivers sign delivery notes when they bring the goods today”. Brad shouted from living room.

  Rae was home for over a week. Her dad injured his leg while trying to clean the gutter. Thankfully, it wasn’t broken but it left him incapacitated and Rae rushed back home to help mom with the store. Brad already felt a lot better but doctors ordered a few more days of bed rest.

  When mom informed Rae what happened, Rae was paralyzed with fear. She struggled wildly for a few seconds just to gain control of her emotions. Her dad could have killed himself. Once again, all the darkness in her took over. No matter how hard she tried protecting herself from feeling helpless, she realized it’s not always up to her. That scared the hell out of her. Less than two hours after her mom called, she was on her way home.

  *

  “The timing is impeccable,” Rae thought as she buried herself in papers in her dad’s office. As his injury wasn’t bad enough, Rae had a job interview scheduled for next week. She knew Nate was about to leave for London, and they still hadn’t seen each other since that night at his apartment. They texted each other almost every day, but they never mentioned the events from that night. All the better; Rae thought. She wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

  Although she didn’t regret it because it gave her a glimpse of Nate that she never saw before, she was scared what that might bring. She was scared that she might start to feel more about him than she already did. So she played along and pretended everything was as it was before.

  The evening before Nate left for London, Rae sent him a text. “Have a safe trip. I hope I’ll see you soon.” He didn’t reply straight away, so she assumed he went to bed early.

  *

  Nate had just finished packing. It took him hours because he didn’t know what to bring or how long he’ll be gone. When Rae sent him that text, something in him shattered. The distance between them was killing him already. And after tomorrow, it’ll just get worse; he thought. He prayed with all his heart that he would be back soon.

  He had managed to send her a message just before he took off the next morning “Thanks. I’m about to board. I’ll see you soon...”

  He arrived in London on Monday afternoon. It was even colder there than back home and it reminded him how much he disliked weather in UK. Except being able to see his sister often, being close to other parts of Europe was the only bright side of living there.

  There was no time to stop by Lisa because Professor Hendricks had expected him.

  As he walked through the corridors of the London Oncology Center, the feeling of nausea came back worse than ever. He remembered all those months spent there while he was sick and in pain.

  Exactly six years ago, he was diagnosed with leukemia. He just got divorced from Sharon. Initially, he wanted to go alone through this but at some point, he let Lisa in. Especially on really bad days when he couldn’t get up from bed. He strictly had forbidden her to tell anyone about it, so nobody back at the US knew.

  Two years after his diagnose he received an experimental drug, and he recovered. At least he hoped he was.

  After he was clear for over a year, he decided to go back home to US. It was all he thought about when he was stuck in a hospital bed. He didn’t want to die in a foreign country. However, he knew he was getting the most adequate medical care available and that he had to stay. But thankfully, not for long.

  Every year since then he had to check in with prof. Hendricks, head of Oncology department, to make sure he stays healthy.

  This year, it felt a bit different. He was too familiar with weakness and fatigue he had experienced the last couple of months, and he desperately wanted to attribute it to work. He held on to that thought as hard as he could.

  Nate wasn’t afraid to die. Even when he was first diagnosed, he accepted it. Sure, he chose to fight and would do anything to stay alive, but even in his early 30s, he’d lived his life to the fullest, and he knew how to appreciate it. Thanks to his wealthy origin, by the time he finished university, he traveled the world, had fun... Then he got a great job and was very successful at it. He even tried marriage and love. And those two were the only things he didn’t exceed at.

  This time, it was different. He still wasn’t afraid to die. But he wanted to live more than ever. For Rae. He never felt like that for a woman before and this was an uncharted territory for him, which he was afraid to explore anyway. As if family bonds with Hollands and age difference weren’t enough. He couldn’t bear adding a "dying man" as another obstacle.

  “Nathaniel, it’s good to see you.” The professor’s voice made him stop thinking.

  “I wish I can say the same.” Nate tried to smile as he entered his office.

  Professor Hendricks nodded in understanding. All his patients thought that, and he wished from bottom of his heart that Nate won’t need his services anymore. “And? How do you feel?” he asked instead.

  Nate exhaled, sat down and described his condition in details. The doctor listened to him with an unchanged expression on his face.

  “Look, Nate, you'd been treated with a relatively new and experimental drug. Yes, everything is possible. But it could be nothing. If you want, we'll admit you in hospital right away and make all necessary tests. However, since I know how much you would like to avoid spending any extra time at this place, we will enroll you into a day hospital. You will come here every day for a few days in a row, and we’ll make all the tests. All right?”

  Nate agreed. As much as he wanted to find out if there’s anything wrong, the possibility of spending another night there was something he wanted to avoid, so he and professor agreed he would come back on Thursday morning.

  As he left for his apartment, he told himself it was just a few days. In a few days, he'll know everything. Still, a dark suspicion started to grow inside of him.

  He didn’t sell his London apartment because he had to travel here often, for work and for these visits to the hospital. During his stay, he liked having a domestic environment, some kind of home.

  “But home is where Rae is,” the voice in him said. God, he missed her. Every string in his body ached for her. To touch her, smell her; feel her close to him… For the first time, he didn’t want to go through all this alone.

  *

  Rae closed her parents’ store and went to get herself a cup of coffee at a local café. She took it to go as she wanted to sit in the park for a while. It was chilly, but she needed s
ome fresh air. She spent her days closed in her dad’s office and was happy that he was getting better, and he won’t need her help after tomorrow.

  She sat on the park bench, closed her eyes and drifted for a moment. Vibration of her phone made her twitch, and she almost spilled her coffee. It was an email from Nate. Rae assumed he probably wanted to let her know he arrived in London and settled in. Then she read the message. The cup in her hand couldn't survive the second twitch. It fell on the gravel with a silent splash.

  “Come to me,” he wrote. “Get a ticket; sit on the plane and come. I'm sure your parents can manage without you by now. Just ... come to me Rae.”

  Rae stared at her phone. Her heart threatened to jump out of her chest while her mind wrestled with what just happened. Why would he write something like that? For the past weeks, their conversations were often, but somewhat distant, with a definite lack of intimacy. Not that they were intimate before, but they still had some level of friendly warmth. So this caught her by surprise.

  Her mind rushed to that night. She thought she saw something in Nate, that he wanted her closer. But it was just her imagination, right? Because it was she who lost control for a minute and put her hands on him, on his bare chest, wanting to feel him. He probably didn’t want to hurt her by moving away.

  So why? Why did he want her to come in London? Was something wrong? Did he need her to help with him with something? Or he just wanted to see her? He should have known he picked the wrong girl to ask to do something reckless.

  Rae thought about it for a second. About taking her guard off and rush to him. But she was afraid of Nate's reaction, and even more, hers. Can she afford turning away from the path she was so determined to go and let her life get a bit out of control?

  Trying to make sense out of it, she slowly shook her head. He knew how much she wanted to see Europe. It was a courteous invitation to visit him. Nothing else, she concluded.

  *

  “What the hell did you just do?” Nate screamed at himself in his mind as he banged his fist on the desk. And why does this "undo" mail option last only for a limited amount of time? It was impulsive and reckless of him, and he was furious at himself.