by S M Mala
‘Thank you for looking after Josh that night and I’m sorry if I was rude. Whatever you said, it worked.’ ‘No need to thank me or apologise.’ I have to walk away.
‘And you know what Belle?’
‘What’s that?’
‘We had the most amazing time. He just couldn’t get enough of me.’ Well, that is one hell of a body blow.
‘He’s extremely lucky to have you. Will you excuse me?’ I see a little corner where I can hide.
It’s busy, so I can blend in with the plants.
As I stand there I can’t believe what Meg said to me. I was his warm up before he got down to the real nitty gritty. I feel dirty and used. How stupid was I to think he actually cared about me? I’m a stupid, fat, ugly-.
‘I hear you’ve been having a good time recently,’ someone hisses into my ear. It’s Josh but as I try to step away from him, he holds onto my elbow. ‘No you don’t.’
‘Let me go,’ I say smiling at a passing guest.
‘How’ve you been Belle?’ he asks. I’m in no mood to converse. ‘I see I’ll answer for you. I’ve been fine Josh. I’ve not called you because you’re married but I thought I’d screw the living brains out of some stranger and look what, he’s married too. What a gas!’
‘Well, you made me feel like shit first. Screw me, leave without saying goodbye. Go back to your wife and leave me alone.’ I still don’t look at him and try to disguise my hurt. ‘She just thanked me for . . . Jesus, you make me sick!’
‘I see. You’re no bloody angel!’
‘What?’ I can’t believe my ears. I turn and push him into the corner making sure we won’t get spotted. ‘How can you say that? You used me!’ I hiss back, glancing to see whose watching.
‘Worried someone will find out you’re a serial married man shagger?’
‘Shut up!’ I step back to take a good look at him. ‘What do you care?’
‘I don’t!’ His words are like a sharp pain. He looks away then glances back at me. I bite my cheek very hard to stop the obvious bolt of pain creeping through.
‘Well no harm done then,’ I say trying to be calm and flip.
‘Yeah it was forgettable,’ he replies, eyeing his bride. Ouch, that really hurt. He walks away. That really, really hurt me.
‘Forgettable’ that’s what he called me. I should know better. I try to think of things to make me smile and Beth comes to my mind but my face feels like lead and as for my heart. I think it has just shattered into little pieces and is now pricking the back of my eyes.
This reminds me of how I felt with Kai just before he died.
Rejected, hurt and confused. I hate this feeling and I’m not going to let it happen again. I decide to go back to the main room and it has thinned out now.
I notice Joan talking to someone by the corridor. I can’t make him out but she’s all smiles and has gone gooey, stroking his shoulder. She glances at me and her smile goes. The man looks at me and he’s handsome, I think but I’m getting slowly drunk so I can’t focus properly.
I return to the balcony and sit there quietly until everyone has gone. I can’t believe how Josh spoke to me. He really hates me.
I’m in hell.
‘Sulked enough have we?’ Joan asks as she walks up to me. 'Come here!’ She drags me up to the mirror. I see a sad looking old bint staring back at me. ‘How do you expect to attract anyone, if you look like that?’
‘So what?’
‘And a dress made from viscose!’ Joan doesn’t believe in man-made fibres unless it’s money then she puts up with it. It’s one in the morning as Joan sits on the sofa, looking like she did at the start of the party. Immaculate! She hands me a brandy and has her cat’s arse face on.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. I’m sick of guessing games now.
‘Why was he upset?’
‘After you told me he was married I listened to my voice mail and -.’
‘I meant Josh.’
I must remember I’m talking to Joan and she’s like a hawk when it comes to details. I’ll see if she’s as sharp as she makes out.
‘What do you mean?’ I’m waiting for a response. Oh, she’s got up and lighting a cigarette. Yes, there’s a strut across her fireplace. I know the signs.
‘I saw the pair of you talking on the balcony. What happened the night Josh stayed round yours?’
‘We talked about stuff then it was morning and he left.’
‘He looked dazzling that morning, don’t you think? Josh hasn’t been himself-.’
‘Who gives a shit?’ I bark. I’m in no mood to hear her gush about him.
‘I think something happened between the pair of you.’
‘I don’t know what you mean, dearest mother in law.’
‘I think you fucked.’ I have to close my eyes at that point. And she calls me crude.
‘No,’ I say.
‘You’re in love with him.’
‘No.’
‘You’re a liar.’ She’s sitting next to me now. This is a form of interrogation.
‘I don’t want to talk about it especially to you.’ The feeling of humiliation and rejection are peering their ugly heads at me. Her skinny arm is now around my shoulders and this is getting scary. We rarely touch.
‘When are you going to lose some weight Belle?’ She‘s being nice, in her own nasty sort of way but for how long?
‘I don’t know what happened, we slept together,’ comes streaming from my big mouth. I feel a blub coming on and Christ knows why I’ve told her. Damn, my loose tongue.
‘Did you instigate it?’
‘No I bloody well did not, he did.’ She doesn’t look convinced.
‘You can’t have a relationship with Josh,’ she says. How bad can she make me feel?
‘Don’t state the bloody obvious!’ I feel hurt and the tears are rolling once again.
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘So you can rip the shit out of me until kingdom come?’ Then I remember what he said to me tonight and I stand up.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she sweetly asks.
‘What?’
‘What was he like in bed?’ She looks at me from the corner of her eye. Dirty minded cow!
‘I’ve had worse.’ This, I can seriously vouch for.
Someone is shaking my shoulder the following morning. My head is killing me. It’s Joan.
‘You’re scaring me. What do you want?’ I say through stale breath. She’s peering into my face. There’s no war paint and her hair is in a towel. She actually looks quite human and pretty. Joan hands me a glass of warm milk and some aspirins.
‘Take these, drink that and no shitty comments about hating milk.’
‘What’s wrong? What time is it?’ I ask, taking small sips.
‘Never you mind. What are your plans for next week?’
‘What?’
‘Answer me,’ she says sternly, now trying to shake me by the shoulders.
‘Work, school and the usual. Why?’ I answer realising I’m still being shaken. ‘Take your hands off me!’
‘I think we should go away for a few days, three nights and four days,’ Joan blurts out releasing my shoulders. ‘It’ll do you good.’
‘No! I’d kill you after an hour.’ It just came out of my mouth! Whoops!
‘Charming! Look, come away with me. I think you need to put things into perspective. A few days away might be what you need. Anyway, there’s nothing to stop you, you’re not exactly busy are you.’
‘Where are we going to go?’ I’m humouring her. I’m too tired for this and emotionally drained with a hangover from hell to boot.
‘We’re going to stay near a friend’s house on the coast, so you have to behave. No embarrassing me, okay? I’ve ordered you a taxi and it’s turning up in half an hour so you can go home and pack. I’ll come and pick you up at eight. Now, get out of bed!’ she shouts, pulling me and I’m beginning to find her behaviour shocking. My head really hurts.
&
nbsp; ‘I can’t go away at the drop of a hat,’ I say realising she’s not joking and that it’s six in the morning!
‘I can.’
‘Well I can’t! Get off!’ I slap her.
’30 minutes or you’ll go like that,’ she shouts.
I’m dressed and in a black cab, on my way home. What the hell is happening? I rush through packing like a mad woman. Blimey I’m not designed to do things on the hop. I email to school to say Beth won’t be in on Monday and Tuesday due to a close relative’s illness. Joan’s mental illness to be more precise.
Sorted.
But it’s not.
Josh has hurt me and I’m feeling used, battered and bruised. That’s just my heart.
Before I know it, it’s seven forty five and Joan is standing on the doorstep. I think she really does like me, deep down, if she wants to take me away.
‘What are you gawping at?’ she snaps. Back to reality with a bump!
‘Where’s Beth?’
‘In the car with Maggie,’ she replies as the driver picks up the bags.
What have I done, agreeing to spend time with Joan? Maggie is with us so I’ll have some light relief. Beth is excited and so am I. I want to forget all about the few awful weeks I’ve had and, of course, Josh.
How long will it take me to want to throttle Joan? The beauty of having a rich mother in law is we drive all the way to Devon a car.
Six hours later after two toilet, one sandwich and an impromptu stop, because I thought I was going to throw up, we’re settled into a large hotel by the sea and it’s absolutely lovely. Beth and I are sharing a room, Maggie is next door and Joan’s in a suite, so we won’t be too close to her. I speak too soon. The phone rings.
‘Belle? Come down to the lobby with Maggie and Beth in fifteen minutes and please look nice.’ Right, I see she’s going to be a bossy old cow for this break. We dutifully walk down to the lounge and I look out over the sea. The breeze brings a tear to my eye but I know it’s not the only thing as I’ve been constantly thinking about Josh.
‘Here!’ Joan hands me a glass of champagne. ‘Let’s toast to happier days.’ I raise my glass and so does Maggie.
‘Mummy, I want one.’ Poor Beth! I pour her out some fizzy water into a glass and we toast.
‘Cheers!’ my child says and it makes us laugh. Maggie takes Beth for a walk to the pool and I’m left with Joan. I’m amazed, one minute she’s trying to poison me with warm milk and the next we’re by the sea.
‘Belle, just relax and have fun. Four days and three nights to relax and don’t do anything stupid,’ Joan turns to face me.
‘Can I get any sillier?’
‘I hope not. I have some friends holidaying here so I won’t be able to keep your company,’ she says. Well, she’s certainly making this short break better by the second.
‘Oh, shame.’
‘Don’t be so ungrateful, girlie.’
‘Okay.’ I know what she wants me to say now, so I’ll get it over and done with. ‘Look, thanks and I promise not to get in your way.’ I humbly look down at my worn out espadrilles.
‘I don’t want you screwing about.’
‘Joan! That’s out of order!’
‘Whether I like it or not, we are related and I don’t want you to make a bad impression.’
‘You don’t want me to show you up.’
‘Just behave. You’ve learnt your lesson. Take up some exercise and lose weight.’ If it wasn’t for the fact I was tired, I would have lovingly quarrelled back but she does have a point about the men. As for exercise and dieting, she can kiss my fat arse!
Joan has buggered off for the afternoon. Heaven knows where she has gone and I’m not complaining.
Maggie has taken Beth to bed so I’m alone, sitting in the hotel lounge looking like a sad old single woman on a Sunday night.
Maggie is in her sixties, so her timetable matches Beth’s completely. She’s a lovely lady who believes in ageing gracefully and, I think, she could give Joan a run for her money any day.
‘Belle! Look here, Belle!’
What the!
Joan is waving to me surrounded by a group. I smile and don’t budge.
‘Come here! Belle, are you deaf?’ she yells. How can I be with the size of her mouth? I begrudgingly walk over and she’s smiling. I don’t like this.
‘This is Belle, my late son’s wife and mother to my granddaughter, Beth.’
‘Hi,’ I say, sighing before smiling.
‘What are you doing?’ she asks.
‘Just relaxing before I have dinner.’
‘Alone?’ she looks pitifully at me.
‘That’s how I like it.’
‘Join us,’ she says. Oh no, this is bad. She rarely asks me out, let alone with her friends.
‘No thanks, I want to eat then sleep,’ I say wearily. Joan grabs my arm and leads me away from the group.
‘Remember who paid for this?’ she hisses. I feel spittle on my face. ‘Now come with me! Just eat and keep your trap shut, that’s all I ask!’ She grabs my wrist really hard, still smiling. I look at her while she grins and I’ve got a sinking feeling. She turns to the others. ‘She’s quite shy.’
‘Are we spoiling your peace?’ someone from behind asks and it’s a man with dark hair, a very attractive face and my stomach has done a flip. Is it because he’s bloody gorgeous or am I starving?
‘I’m not good company,’ I eventually splutter.
‘Aren’t you hungry?’ He walks towards me. I note he’s a tall bloke with an American accent. I feel nervous.
‘You don’t know me, I’m always hungry.’ Then I remember. ‘Didn’t I see you last night?’
‘Yes,’ he smiles. ‘I popped in to say hello. I saw you on the balcony.’
‘I had a bad day,’ I say looking away embarrassed at the scene.
‘We all have them from time to time,’ the man smiles gently and he is beautiful. But no! I have gone off the opposite sex. 'Where’s this place and whose is it?’
‘The ‘place’ is five minutes away and it’s mine, well sort of, as I’ve just sold it.’
‘You live in Devon then?’
‘No.’
‘It’s a holiday home?’
‘No, just another property,’ he says and looks at me as if I’m demented. I decide to keep my trap shut as we walk. I’ll listen to Joan, just this once.
We walk into this massive house down the road and up to the terrace, overlooking the sea. I’m gob smacked. It’s beautiful. A table is set and it looks like I’ve gate crashed something classy. We sit down to dinner and it’s going to be a long night as I’m sitting next to Joan, at her request.
I’m not going to pretend I don’t like it but some of the people are a bit up their own arses, except for a couple of them scattered here and there, mostly there, away from me.
Then my mind wanders and I think about the conversation with Josh last night. I feel awful again.
‘Belle is everything okay?’ I look up. Oh, it’s the nice bloke who was talking to me beforehand.
‘Hal, don’t worry about Belle,’ Joan says before I answer. I nod as if I’ve recovered from a frontal lobotomy. His name is Hal. I wonder if it is short for Harold? Now that’s not a cool name. Forget it! He’s blooming gorgeous so he can be forgiven.
‘Are you enjoying Devon? Is it the first time you’ve been?’ Hal asks.
‘Belle hasn’t-’ Joan starts to speak but I think I’ll help her out.
‘I came here about fifteen years ago, funnily enough,’ I say, smiling politely.
‘Did you get soaked by the good old British weather?’ he asks.
‘I can’t remember. I was partying,’ I answer. Joan’s glaring at me but I’m not going to shut up. ‘And getting my leg over!’ Her face looks a picture and I smile, sweetly.
‘So you enjoyed it?’ Hal says, suppressing a smile at my comment. Joan looks at Hal, in a funny sort of way. Oh no she’s either with this man or after him and I’m spoi
ling her fun.
Wait a moment.
He’s the one!
He’s the bloke who she’s been with for years! I don’t believe it, this is a major coup. For one thing, our Joan has good taste. This is too exciting, what should I do? Shit stir if I can.
Oh, Hal’s smiling at me and I’ve got to say I can see what the old bag sees in him. His hair’s dark brown, quite thick and wavy. It falls away from his face and he has green eyes. There’s a golden tan that highlights his perfectly straight teeth, not the braces enforced ones. I reckon he’s in his late thirties, early forties. He better be. I’d hate to think he was younger than me.
‘Belle, what have you been up to?’ Joan asks while picking at her starter and deflecting my attention back to her.
‘Staying out of trouble and putting on weight in one afternoon,’ I say. Joan narrows her eyes at me. ‘What have you been doing? Beth wanted to know where her old nana got to.’ Joan sighs and looks at Hal.
‘Hal has been showing me the sights.’ She’s got her glamorous smile on. I have to say she’s looking beautiful tonight which makes her look human … just.
‘Good.’ I whisper. ‘I won’t see you until we go home on Tuesday then?’
‘I’ve got other things in mind,’ she smiles through gritted teeth and looks at Hal.
‘Why you dirty little bitch!’ I whisper closer to her ear. ‘He’s gorgeous.’
‘Don’t you get your claws into him,’ she hisses. ‘Actually have a go. I’d love to see you fall flat on your fat arse again.’
‘Shove it up your backside,’ I say. She really has a way of putting me down. The old bag is grinning.
‘Met anyone Belle?’ Joan asks loudly. She really is a bloody cow sometimes. ’A married man?’ she giggles. I get flushed thinking about it and it wipes the smile off my face as she smiles broadly. I get a sympathetic glance from Hal.
A few hours later we’re all mingling. I step back and feel a foot under my shoe.
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ I look down, noticing the scuffmark.
‘It’s fine. I’ll live but my feet might me scarred for life!’ It’s Hal. ‘I might need a drink to recover. Would you like a brandy?’
‘Oh. Yes, thanks.’ I suddenly feel all nervy. This is odd. I put it down to male abuse over the past few weeks. He hands me a glass and I sip it.