Women 101: A Father's Humorous Guide To His Son

by E. A. Briginshaw

  “Okay, that one’s easy,” Dave said. “If a woman says she doesn’t want to have sex because she’s afraid it would ruin your friendship, it really means you’re never – ever – going to see her naked.”

  “I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with Jessica,” Trevor said. “You know, waiting for something that’s never going to happen. It’s like waiting for Godot.”

  “Yeah, he never comes either,” Dave said.

  “What?”

  “Never mind,” Dave said. “Bad joke.”

  Trevor frowned. “This is not a laughing matter.”

  “I’m sorry,” Dave said. “So, are there any girls you’ve been out with that you think might want to be more than friends?”

  “Yeah, a couple, but I’ve only been out twice with one of them and three times with the other. Monica, that’s the first one. She’s the one who told me how to cook Brussels sprouts. She’s smart, good looking, works as a paralegal.”

  “Paralegal? Does she know your mother?”

  “No, I asked. She works at a much smaller law firm than Mom does. In some ways, she reminds me of Mom.”

  Dave wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

  Trevor continued. “The other girl – Natalie – is entirely different. She manages the local Starbucks on 8th avenue. She’s super serious when she’s working – maybe even a little bossy – but entirely different when we’re out on a date.”

  “So which one of these girls are you going to pursue?” Dave asked.

  “Both,” Trevor said. “I’m having a party next Friday night. I’m inviting a bunch of friends over and I’ve invited both of them. That way, I can see how they interact with my friends and help me figure out which one I like best.”

  “If I were you, I’d only invite one of them,” Dave warned.

  “Too late. I’ve already invited both of them and they’ve both said they’re coming. I don’t think it’ll be a problem. They both know I’ve been dating other girls, so we’re not serious yet.”

  * * *

  Trevor pushed his shopping cart toward the checkout.

  “It appears you’ve moved out of the produce department and into the junk food area,” Amanda said.

  “Hey, it’s not all chips and cheezies,” Trevor said. “There’s a veggie tray in there as well.”

  “You having a party?”

  “Yeah, tomorrow night. Not a big one – just having a few friends over.”

  “So which one of your latest dates are you taking to the party?”

  “Since I’m hosting, I’m not really taking anyone. I’ve invited a whole bunch of people, including some of the girls I’ve met here.”

  Amanda’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No. Do you think that’s a problem?”

  Amanda gave him a fake smile. “So who’s all coming?”

  “A few of my friends from university, a couple of guys from work. Monica – remember her?”

  “Brussels sprouts Monica?”

  “Yes, but don’t call her that. We’ve only been out twice, but there might be something there.”

  Amanda shrugged.

  “Natalie’s coming as well,” Trevor added.

  “Starbucks Natalie?”

  “Why do you insist on labelling the girls I’ve been going out with?”

  Amanda shrugged again. “I’ve got to do something. It’s hard to keep them all straight without a scorecard.” She smiled at him. “Oh, I wish I could be there, but I have to work tomorrow night. It sounds like your party is going to be quite the event.”

  “It’s just a party,” Trevor said. “No big deal.”

  Trevor paid for his groceries and headed for the exit. Amanda watched him leave.

  “I don’t think you realize how big a deal it’s going to be,” she whispered to herself.

  * * *

  “So, how’d your party go?” Dave asked Trevor on the following Saturday morning.

  “Not so good,” Trevor replied.

  “Why? Did Monica and Natalie not get along?”

  “Monica didn’t show up. She called me night before last and said she wasn’t coming.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not really sure – something about respect. She said I obviously didn’t respect her enough if I was inviting another girl to the same party. I tried to tell her I wasn’t serious about anyone yet. It was just a party.”

  “But she didn’t see it that way, did she?”

  “Apparently not. She said she respected herself too much to be put in such a situation. I told her it was just a party – you know – to have fun. But she kept going on and on about respect, or lack thereof. I might have blacked out there for a while, so I didn’t get everything she was saying, but suffice to say, I pretty much blew that one.”

  Dave tried to console him. “Don’t feel too bad son. Every guy gets to hear the respect speech at some point in his life. How did it go with Natalie?”

  “Fine, but she was acting sort of weird as well. Once she found out that Monica wasn’t coming to the party, she seemed to be gloating. She was hanging on my arm all night as if she somehow owned me. She warned me that she might have too much to drink at the party, but not to worry, because she’d brought her toothbrush with her in case she didn’t make it home afterwards.”

  “You know what that means, right?”

  Trevor looked confused. “No, what?”

  “Remember last week, when we talked about women sending signals – you know – when they might be ready to take the next step. That’s a pretty clear signal.”

  Trevor still didn’t seem to understand.

  “She’s telling you that she might drink a little too much – you know, her inhibitions would be lowered. If she brought her toothbrush with her, that means she was interested in spending the night.”

  Trevor shook his head in disbelief.

  “So what happened?” Dave asked.

  “Nothing. There were a few people at the party that had too much to drink, so I sent them all home together in a cab. I didn’t want any of them driving.”

  “I’m proud of you son. That was the responsible thing to do.”

  “But you’re saying Natalie wanted to sleep with me?”

  “I think so,” Dave said.

  “Sheesh – we’ve only been out a few times. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

  “Are you going to see her again?”

  “Yeah, next Friday night. It’s her birthday and I’m taking her out for dinner.”

  Ah, gifts and celebrations. Time for another lesson.

  Lesson 7: Gifts and Celebrations

  “What are you planning to get Natalie for her birthday?” Dave asked.

  “I don’t know,” Trevor said. “I asked her what she wanted and she said, Nothing – you don’t have to get me anything.”

  “Don’t forget about one of the first things I taught you,” Dave said.

  Trevor picked up on the clue. “You’re saying she actually wants a present for her birthday?”

  “Absolutely,” Dave said. “It’s also a test. She’ll be evaluating your relationship based on whatever you get her.”

  “God, this is so much pressure!”

  “So any idea what you’re going to get?”

  “No clue,” Trevor said. He grabbed his coat and headed for the door. “I better get to the mall right now and start looking.”

  * * *

  Trevor pushed his shopping cart toward the checkout counter at the Mega-Shop store.

  “Hi Trevor,” Amanda said. “Whoa, hold on there buddy. You’ve got way more than ten items there.”

  “Yeah, I know, but I’m only going to be buying one of them. I need a birthday present for Natalie. I was hoping you could give me some advice on which one I should buy.”

  Amanda took a quick look around and saw there weren’t too many shoppers in the store. “Starbucks Natalie?”

  “Yes,” Trevor replied, “but I
wish you’d quit calling her that. It’s her birthday on Friday and I don’t know what to get her. My Dad says she’ll be evaluating our whole relationship based on the present.”

  “He’s probably right,” Amanda said. “So, what is your relationship with her?”

  “That’s the problem,” Trevor said. “I have no idea. I think she wants us to be getting real serious.”

  Amanda studied his face. “I’m sensing you have a problem with that.”

  “I don’t know. I mean I like her okay and I don’t want to break up with her, but I’m not sure she’s the one.”

  “Okay, that makes things a little harder,” Amanda said. “But first off, I’m not sure you should be getting your girlfriend’s birthday present in a grocery store.”

  “I know, but I spent all day wandering around the mall and came away with nothing. I’m desperate.”

  “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got in the cart,” Amanda said.

  Trevor pulled an Espresso machine from the cart. “I found this over in your home-goods section.”

  “Dude, she manages the local Starbucks. I think she’s probably already got everything she’s ever going to need in the coffee department.”

  Trevor sighed. “That probably eliminates half the stuff in the cart.”

  “What else you got in there?”

  “A bunch of different kinds of candy.”

  Amanda grimaced. “That’s something you get your Grandma for her birthday, not your girlfriend. You need something more personal. What kind of perfume does she wear?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Amanda tried again. “Most girls love flowers. I know I do. Does she have a favourite flower?”

  “I have no idea,” Trevor repeated.

  “Okay, I think I’m sensing a pattern here. Are you sure she’s your girlfriend? You don’t seem to know much about her.”

  “I know, but I’m running out of time. What do you think I should do?”

  “I don’t think I see anything in your cart that’s going to work. Maybe you shouldn’t get her a thing – maybe plan an activity that you think she’ll enjoy. Does she like going to the theatre?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I think we’ve been down this road before,” Amanda said. She put her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Trevor, but the only thing I can suggest is to think about doing something together with her, something that you’re both going to enjoy.”

  “You’re probably right,” Trevor said. “I’ll go put all of this stuff back.”

  “No, just leave it here,” Amanda said. “I’ll put it back at the end of my shift. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of thinking to do.”

  Trevor slowly walked out of the store.

  Amanda yelled after him. “And don’t forget to get her a card, a real mushy one. Girls love that kind of stuff.”

  Lesson 8: Quirks & Faults

  Trevor hurried through the back door of the kitchen, pausing to stomp the snow off his shoes. He shook the snow off his coat and put it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. His father was digging something out of the fridge.

  “Sorry I’m late Dad. People seem to forget how to drive when the first snowstorm of the year hits.”

  Trevor was surprised when the fridge door closed and it was his mother standing before him.

  “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  “I live here, remember? What are you doing here?”

  “Uh, I mean I thought you had choir practice this morning. Where’s Dad?”

  “Rehearsal got cancelled because of the snow storm. I sent your father out to pick up a few things. He should be back shortly.”

  Trevor wasn’t sure what to do. Should he wait for his father to come back? Should he just make up some lame excuse and leave?

  His mother picked up on his anxiety. “What’s going on?”

  “Uh…nothing. I just came to talk to Dad. Maybe I’ll just come back later.”

  Trevor started to put his coat back on.

  His mother was not going to let him off so easily. “Okay, what are you two up to? I know you’ve been up to something the last few weeks.”

  Trevor tried to look innocent, but it didn’t fool his mother.

  “You might as well tell me,” she said. “You know I’m going to find out eventually.”

  Trevor sighed and put his coat back on the chair. “Dad’s just been giving me some advice.”

  “On what?”

  Trevor’s face turned red.

  “Women.”

  His mother’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “What the hell does your father know about women?”

  “Apparently, not much,” Trevor said, “because his advice is not working. I’m still as hopeless as I ever was.”

  Trevor slumped down in the kitchen chair and put his head in his hands.

  His mother came over and gently hugged his shoulders. “Maybe I can help”, she said as she sat down beside him. “What’s the problem?”

  “I blew it again, this time with Natalie.”

  “Who’s Natalie?”

  “She’s the girl I’ve been dating, but she’s just the latest in a long string of disasters.”

  She gently reached out and stroked his shoulder. “What happened?”

  “Well, we went out for dinner last night. It was her birthday, so I took her to that really fancy Italian place downtown.”

  “And it didn’t go well?”

  “No, the dinner was great. Then we went back to her place. I didn’t want to give her her birthday present at the restaurant. Dad said it was important to get her the right present because it would tell her where I thought our relationship was going.”

  His mother looked surprised. “Your father said that? He’s right. Maybe he’s learned a few things over the years.”

  “Well, that’s the problem,” Trevor continued. “I had no idea where our relationship was going, or even where I wanted it to go. I mean, I like her and everything, but I’m not sure that she’s, you know, the one.” Trevor looked at his mother, hoping she would understand. “I spent hours in the mall looking. I didn’t want to get her something generic like a box of chocolates but I didn’t want to get her anything too big or expensive either.”

  “So what did you get her?”

  “Well, I was thinking that I’d get her a present based around something that we both like doing.”

  She nodded her agreement. “Sounds reasonable. Go on.”

  “We both like playing video games and we’d been talking about a new game that was supposed to be coming out.”

  Trevor saw the concern spread across his mother’s face. “Uh-oh,” she said. “I don’t think I like where this is heading.”

  Trevor soldiered on. “So I planned to get her that new game. It was even supposed to be released right on her birthday. I thought that’s a good sign. I mean, on the exact same day as her birthday.”

  “But she didn’t like it, did she?”

  Trevor sighed. “We’ll never know. I tried to download it while I was at her place but I couldn’t because her internet service was down. She was pissed. She started spouting off things like if you think our relationship is just a game and other stuff like that. It was a disaster.”

  Trevor hung his head.

  “Mom, I’m just hopeless with women. Hopeless. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.”

  She reached over and gave him another reassuring hug. “No, you’re not. You just haven’t met the right girl yet.”

  Trevor pulled away. “Maybe I have, Mom, and I’ve already blown it.” Then he looked at her again, pleading. “I just want what you and Dad have. You know, how you two are still in love, even after all these years. You two still hold hands. I noticed it a few weeks ago when we were downtown. How did a guy like Dad manage to get a girl like you? I mean, I try to do everything perfectly, but I just suck.”

  She gave him a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to be perfect to get a girl. In fact, it’s th
e quirks and faults that make someone unique and interesting – and lovable. That’s what attracted me to your father. Did he tell you how we met?”

  “A little bit,” Trevor said. “He said he told you knock-knock jokes, but I didn’t believe him. He said there was also some incident that helped, but he said he couldn’t tell me. He said you’d sworn him to secrecy.”

  “That’s true,” she said. “All of it.”

  “I don’t understand,” Trevor said.

  “When I first met your father, he was working over the summer as a courier. I was working for the same law firm I do now, but I had only just started there. I would sometimes cover the front desk when our main receptionist was on break. Your father would stop in every day at the office delivering something and it was obvious that he was interested in our receptionist, but she wouldn’t give him a second look.” She leaned back in her chair as she reminisced. “He’d be trying so hard – and getting nowhere.”

  “Like father, like son,” Trevor said.

  She leaned forward in her chair as she continued the story. “Anyway, one day the firm was having this big reception for our clients – up in the penthouse suite of our office building. We’d rented some fancy plants and stuff to make the room look more like a party room and your father was delivering a whole bunch of them to our office. He unloaded all of the plants off the elevator and came over to talk to our receptionist. That’s when she told him they all had to go back on the elevator and up to the top floor. The party was going to be starting shortly and she told him to get his ass in gear. She could be a real bitch sometimes.”

  “But how did you and Dad actually meet?” Trevor asked.

  “I felt sorry for him, so I pointed him to the freight elevator and helped him drag some of the plants into it. I thought I’d take ten minutes and help the poor guy out. Anyway, we got halfway up to the penthouse when all of a sudden, the elevator just stopped. We pushed all the buttons, but nothing worked. We used the phone inside the elevator and security said they’d have someone investigate. Meanwhile, we were just stuck there.”

  “So what did you do?” Trevor asked.