Chef

by Throsby, Lynda

  I kiss her again. “Hey, don't worry. They will get him sooner or later. He will slip up, and they will get him, baby. In the meantime, I'm not going to leave your side. When you want to go anywhere, tell me, and I will be there. Even taking Dixon to school, I will be there. In fact, I think I should just move in with you, Dixon, and Doris.” I wink at her to let her know I'm semi-joking, although I would move in with them in a heartbeat.

  She laughs at me. “Don't be silly, Caspian, you do more than enough now.” I raise my eyebrows at her. She gives me a quick kiss then leaves to get ready for her shift.

  I've been on the phone with the LA restaurant, and we should be opening up, on time, in a couple of months, when my cell goes, with my poppa’s number flashing up. “Hey, old man, how's it going?” We chat for a while. He's pleased I phoned, and he said he would love to come to New York to see me and to visit Casper's. He's been researching me and says he doesn’t like all the women I'm pictured with — that it makes me look like a man whore — turns out my poppa has family values after all.

  “Hey, don't worry, I have a girlfriend now. She's it for me. I love her. In fact, it was her that talked me through our situation and got me to see it from a different angle. Hence the call to you.”

  “Sounds like you've got a good one there, son.”

  I'm nodding and grinning from ear to ear, even though he can't see me. “I have, old man. I sure have.”

  He's going to see what his schedule is like and try to come in the next week or two.

  There's a knock at the door. “Come in.”

  Macen comes in. “I'm just finishing up. Be about five minutes. You nearly ready?” She looks sheepish as though she feels awkward asking me, but there is no way she's leaving without me, and I'm so happy she came and told me it was time.

  In the car on the way to hers, I tell her about the call with my pops. She's happy for me. We arrive at hers, and I get out with her and take her in my arms to say goodnight.

  “Do you want to come up for a coffee and say hi to Grandma?”

  I beam from ear to ear, again, until she goes still. I don't know how she knows, but she senses danger whenever he’s near. In one respect, it's a good thing because she gets the warning, but then in another, it’s fucking shit knowing you're being watched. “Don't look, baby. Just hug me and act normally. Don't let him know you're aware he’s around?”

  I speak to my driver and tell him to leave once we are inside. As soon as we shut the door, I call 911 to report him. I hope they come quickly and catch the fucker this time.

  Macen

  I KNOW CASPIAN told me not to give it away when I knew Reid was there, but I start to panic every time, and I want to scream. We’re standing behind the door, just holding each other, and I’m shaking with fear. Caspian is trying to sooth me, but I’m terrified at what Reid might do next? Is he going to take me, kill me, or even…

  No, not going there.

  Why does he keep saying I’m his, and why does he say we have something together?

  I take so much comfort being in Caspian’s arms. He’s a big strong man who can look after himself, that’s for sure. I know this is eating him up inside, and I feel terrible because he has his own demons and worries. He doesn’t need mine.

  I pull away and look up at him, and I feel a tear fall from the corner of my eye. He notices and bends to kiss it away. Who knew the man from last week, who was an arrogant ass to me, could be so gentle, caring, and protective of me? And not just me. He's taken to Dixon in a big way. What are the chances I would meet someone like that?

  “Hey, it's going to be okay. I've got you, Mace.”

  Just then we hear sirens outside. “What the hell! Why use sirens — that tells Reid they are on the way, and he will just bolt?” I shake my head in despair.

  There's a knock at the door, and I jump out of my skin again. Caspian still has hold of me. “Who is it?” he shouts.

  "NYPD sir."

  He opens the door, and they come in, and we all go up to my apartment. They take yet another statement, but until they take Reid in for questioning, nothing can happen. It's all a waste of time even though he's stalking us.

  Grandma’s so worried something bad is going to happen, and I can't say I blame her. The three of us talk for a while, then Grandma excuses herself and says goodnight. I think she's trying to give us some time alone.

  The thing is, I need to break this off with Caspian before it gets really started. I know we love each other, but I can't get in too deeply and cause him all this worry, and it's not fair to Dixon to get used to seeing him around. I just don't know how to tell him.

  I get us some wine, then sit on the chair when I return to the living room. He scowls at me because I've not sat next to him as I was before. I can’t look at him, so I twiddle with my wine glass for a distraction and try to think how to start this. “Oh no. Don't you even think about it, Ms. Donald.”

  Oh, he’s a mind reader as well, it appears, and I smile to myself.

  “What’s that for?” he asks, noticing my small smile.

  “Just smiling because you always seem to know what I’m thinking. You’re a mind reader.” He smiles back. “We’d make a great circus act. You can sense danger, and I can read minds.” He shrugs. “Come here, Mace. I don’t want you sitting over there.” He pats the seat next to him on the couch, but I shake my head, no. He raises his eyebrow to me. “You’re saying NO to ME?” he says emphasizing the no and me. I nod, smiling. I love the playful look on his face. “It’s like that, is it?” he says, trying to look very serious but failing. I like playful Caspian. I’ve never met him before.

  Before I know it, Caspian is off the couch and over the table and standing right in front of me. He lifts me as though I weigh nothing and slings me over his shoulder. I squeal and put my hand over my mouth, trying not to wake Dixon or Grandma, but it's hard. He swats my backside gently. “I'll teach you not to defy me, milady,” he says in a peculiar accent — it’s a cross between Australian, Italian, and Irish.

  I crack up — I can't help it. “What was that accent you just tried?”

  He slides me down the front of his body until my feet touch the floor and he looks down at me and scowls. “What do you mean? That, milady is me bestest Game of Thrones accent, don't you know, milady?”

  I can't help it. I fall back onto the chair and curl up, laughing, but bite the cushion, trying not to make too much noise. He lunges for me and starts to tickle me. He's on his knees in front of the chair, speaking in the strange accent. “So, milady, you want to laugh at my British accent, do you?”

  I try to tell him it's more Australian/Italian/Irish but can barely get my words out. “Stop, Caspian. Please stop, we're going to wake Grandma and Dixon up.” I'm laughing so hard that I don't think he can understand what I'm saying.

  He suddenly stops, and I pull the cushion away from my face. I look at him and see the love and adoration written all over him. “God, I love you, Macen. To hear you laugh like that makes my heart swell so much that I think it's about to burst from my chest. I love it when you smile, and now, I want to make you laugh all the time.” He swipes at his eye just as I spot a tear escaping.

  I lean forward, take his head in my hands, and I gently kiss his lips. “Thank you.” He pulls back, looking at me questioningly, and I smile. “For making me laugh, Caspian. I can't remember the last time I had a good laugh like that. All my life, everything has been so serious. I laugh with Dixon and Grandma, but I don't ever remember experiencing anything like this. I feel all fuzzy, and euphoric – is that the right word? You make me happy. I have never felt this in my life.”

  I still have hold of his face, and I see his eyes well up. “Me neither, Macen. I've never had or felt anything like this in my life.”

  I decide that it’s my turn to see if he's ticklish. I push him back. He thinks I'm about to get frisky by the look in his face, but I straddle his legs near his knees, then I go to town on him and try to find his ticklish spot
. I find it on his hips. He’s laughing hard, but he's bucking me as well. I'm going to fly off if he's not careful.

  He's still laughing hard when I lean forward to put my hand over his mouth to try to muffle the sounds. He freezes under me and has a panicked look on his face. I remove my hand quickly. “Caspian, you okay? You look terrified. You okay, baby?”

  He doesn't say anything, but his breathing is labored, and his eyes are screwed tightly shut. “Fuck!” he shouts out as he bolts upright knocking me to the floor with a thud.

  I wince in shock at the outburst. “I'm sorry, Mace. God, I don't know what happened there. It was you putting your hand over my mouth. I got images as a little boy and a man doing that to me to stop me from screaming out when we heard my poppa calling me. I remembered being in so much pain while he had his hand over my mouth. I'm so sorry that I startled you.”

  I move back onto his lap and hug his head to my chest, kissing the top of his head and just holding and loving him. To think, not fifteen minutes earlier, I wanted to end this with him. How can I when I love him so much that it makes my heart ache to see this man who is a big force of nature, a natural protector, so broken and so vulnerable? We stay like this until his breathing evens out. "You okay now?" I ask, kissing the top of his head.

  He nods, “Yeah, I think so.”

  We hold each other for a little while before he looks at me and gives me a quick kiss. He lowers me to the floor, leans down and kisses my mouth gently at first until he deepens the kiss. He then moves so he hovers over me and lowers his body partly onto mine, I freeze. He must feel me go rigid because he stops and looks at me. “You okay, Mace?” he says looking concerned. I know I'm going to panic. I'm trying my hardest not to ruin the moment, trying to calm myself and not panic but feeling some of the weight of his body on top of me is starting to bring back images. I screw my eyes shut trying to get rid of them. It's not working. I shake my head, No. “GO away!” I shout. The next thing I know, I'm being hauled off the floor, and I'm sat on his lap on the couch while he hugs me and rubs my back, comforting me, telling me it's all going to be fine. I calm down, holding onto him. I start to move off him. If he hurts like I did watching him go into a meltdown then how can I put him through that hurt over and over again and never know if I will ever be able to be with him intimately?

  He shakes his head. “No Macen, don't bolt — talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that gorgeous head of yours?”

  I look at him, holding me, desperate for me to stay and not leave him. “How can we both be so traumatized? How can be both be damaged and get through it? Caspian, I don't think we can do this. If we're both damaged, how can we help each other heal? If you hurt as much as I just did watching you, then I can't put you through that every time it happens. I may never be able to be intimate with you and to put you through that pain every time you try… I can’t do it Caspian. I can’t hurt you like that.”

  He scowls at me. “Don't you get it, Macen. Don't you see that we're meant for each other? Because we are damaged, we can help each other. We can nurture each other, and we can hold each other when the other is in meltdown — we can support each other, baby. I don't think you could find a more perfect match than us. We share the same passions and ideas. We are as compatible as good old mac & cheese, baby.”

  I bury my head back in his chest and laugh out loud, pulling at his shirt. He starts to laugh with me. “What's so funny?” I look up with tears in my eyes, happy but conflicted tears. “You, comparing us to mac & cheese. Only a celebrity chef would compare us to food!”

  He shrugs and laughs. “I make the meanest mac & cheese — even you would be impressed. It's Dixon's favorite, and he won't eat it from anywhere else because it's not like Momma’s. I have secret ingredients, you see.” I wink at him, and he grins.

  “Does this mean we have to have a mac & cheese off?”

  “I'd win, so it’s pointless.” I shrug. I'm that confident.

  He pulls my face to his, and he kisses me hard. I don't even hesitate, and I kiss him right back. In fact, it's me that gently pushes my tongue into his mouth this time. We do this for a while. He doesn't move us. I think he knows what my triggers are and he's avoiding setting them off. I can do this — I need to do this. I need to expand my boundaries, and I need to push through as much as I can. I know I'm going to have meltdowns and flashbacks, without a doubt, but if he's there to hold me every time, then I'm feeling confident that we will get there and knock each boundary down.

  It never takes long for it to get heated once we start kissing, and I get wet down below, which is new to me. I need to learn to treat this as a new experience. One of those boundaries is to let him love me. I hope to god we get to make love. I do want to make love to Caspian. He is the only person I have ever thought about it with. “God I love you Caspian.”

  Just like that, meltdown averted.

  Caspian

  IT MELTS MY fucking heart the minute the words are out of her mouth. She’s never actually said that before, and I feel like crying, but I don’t want to make it into a big deal. We make out for a while on the couch. She’s on my knee, and I'm learning to make sure she can't feel how hard I am.

  We cuddle into each other, not saying anything. I haven't even looked at the time, and I should probably head back home, but in all honesty, I don't want to. I know as soon as she falls asleep on me because her breathing becomes shallow and her body, limp. I stay still, not wanting to disturb her until I know she's in a deep slumber.

  I think about earlier and me, of all fucking people, having a meltdown. As soon as she put her hand over my mouth to stifle the laughing my mind went black, and all I could see was the image of him hovering over me, and the feeling of him lying down behind me. I heard my poppa screaming my name outside, and I shouted and cried. The man put his hand over my mouth to stop me, and the next thing I remembered was being in so much pain from him entering my ass. I feel sick thinking about it — not just thinking it, remembering it. God, what must Macen be like, remembering her attack? She was a teenager for God’s sake. From what she told me, it was a vicious attack.

  I have to help heal her. I have to let her know that what happened was not normal and making love is completely different. It’s going to take time, but it’s time I’m willing to surrender, for her. I’d surrender my life for her. I know it’s going to kill me, not being able to get intimate for however long it takes, but I’ll take what I can, very slowly. I need to coax her to open her mind. I need to make her forget the bad and only think of the good that comes with sex.

  If I can show her how good foreplay can be and let her explore me as much as she wants too, and let her feel the joy, excitement, and love, then I think that’s the way forward. To replace the bad feelings with only the good feelings that come from making love.

  I know she was going to call it off between us earlier because I could see it on her face, but there was no fucking way I was letting that happen.

  I know she loves me. Not only did she actually tell me, but I feel it in her touch, and see it on her face and in her eyes.

  I fucking love her so much, and she’s right, every time I see her freeze and start to panic, it tears my heart apart, thinking of the pain she’s feeling and the memories of that night. It’s why, more than ever, I think we are now perfect. Not just the passion we both have for cooking, but because we have both been rap… violated.

  I can’t even say that word.

  I move us slightly, so we are on the couch, face to face, and I watch her beautiful face as she sleeps. I'm mesmerized by her. She thinks she's a plain Jane, but to me, she is the most beautiful, natural woman I know. She is slender but has curves in all the right places. Her hair is a lovely color of red, and as for her eyes, I could stare at them all day if she let me, the color reminds me of the Indian Ocean — aqua green like I’ve never seen before.

  I move some hair from her forehead, and she moves slightly, but it’s to cuddle right into my chest. This feels right —
it feels like home.

  “Momma, why is Casp here again? Did you fall asleep again?” I hear him, but it takes me a little bit to realize who it is and where I am. Shit. I fell asleep. I peel my eyes open one at a time, and I stare straight into those pools of aqua green, smiling at me.

  “Good morning,” she says, smiling.

  “Good morning.” I kiss her nose then she rolls over to face Dixon. I look up, and I see her Grandma standing next to Dixon, smiling down at us.

  “Oh, hey, good morning, Doris.” I smile at her.

  Macen goes to get off the couch, but I pull her back. “Just a minute or two,” I whisper into her ear. I don't say it, but I have morning wood, and he's rock hard. Thankfully, she isn’t aware.

  “Wow, I guess we fell asleep again, huh, Caspian? All this talking is wearing us out.”

  “Huh huh, and the laughing, I guess,” Grandma says, still smiling at us.

  “Come on, Dixon. Lets you and me start on breakfast for these two, and we’ll let them go and sort themselves out. Then we can get you ready for your party.”

  “Yay,” he shouts. “Momma, it's party day. Casp, are you coming with us?” He looks at me expectantly. “Well, I will certainly be at the restaurant when you're there, that's for sure, buddy.”

  He goes off with Doris to the kitchen, all excited. I turn Macen toward me, but I don't let my now semi-deflated cock touch her as I go in for a kiss. “We did it again, huh? Fell asleep in each other's arms. But, Mace, I didn't have a dream again. You are most definitely the tonic I need.” I smile down at her, and she beams at me, grabbing my head and pulling it down to give me another kiss. Who gives a fuck about morning breath?

  We meet in the kitchen after Macen and I both shower — separately, unfortunately. Dixon is chatting away excitedly about seeing the live robot dinosaurs today. I'm in another world, thinking about Macen. I don't want to be away from her. I want to stay with her all the time, which means staying overnight. I don't know how it will work with Dixon and Doris living here. Will they accept me? I think they already have, but maybe they’re just being nice. “Casp?” Dixon says, bringing me from my thoughts.