Very Dead Indeed: A Herc Braveman Adventure (The Herc Braveman Adventures Book 2)

by Herschel K. Stroganoff

  “Word from the outer sectors is that The Overseer is rumoured to be regrouping,” said Ambassador Platzhalter, wiping away a bead pf sweat from his brow with a space napkin.

  “The Overseer? Nonsense!” said Herc, incredulously. “The Overseer has not been seen since I defeated The Overseer's fleet seventeen years ago. As far as the Intragalactic Empire is concerned, The Overseer is no longer a threat.” But Herc already knew that it was true, he knew that The Overseer would one day return — return against all logic, hope and plot-holes.

  “I can only say what I’ve heard,” said Ambassador Platzhalter. “The rumours are that The Overseer is building a new fleet and intends on destroying your home planet and the centre of the Intragalactic Empire.”

  “You mean?” but Herc already knew the answer, he already knew that this could only mean one place.

  “Earth,” Ambassador Platzhalter whispered, dramatically.

  The two men sat in silence as the gravity of Ambassador Platzhalter's statement settled like moon dust on the plains of Titan.

  Herc leaned back and took a cool puff from his Quantum Cigarette and leaned back in his chair. "Tell me about you r daughter."

  "She can tell you herself," said Ambassador Platzhalter. "She's just about to come through the door." Ambassador Platzhalter pointed to the door, gesturing towards the banquet hall entrance with his hand.

  Suddenly, and without warning, the door swung open to reveal a beautiful woman. She was tall, with thick waves of blonde hair — she was dead busty. She wore medieval clothes, but still looked really hot.

  Herc rose to his feet and smiled with his mouth. "You must be Ambassador Platzhalter's beautiful daughter. I am Space Captain Herc Braveman, the hero of the Intragalactic Empire."

  Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter shrugged. "I know who you are," she spat. "Your reputation with the ladies precedes you."

  Herc raised an eyebrow. "If that's the case, you'll know that I'm a sensitive and considerate lover."

  "Your charms will not seduce me," she said. She sat down next to Ambassador Platzhalter. Even though she folded her arms across her chest in a way that was meant to be hostile, Herc smiled at how it made her boobs look even bigger. Her mouth was sad, like an inverted Cheshire cat.

  "I must apologise for my daughter's behaviour, Captain Braveman," said Ambassador Platzhalter. "Brüste must be on her period, you know how women get."

  "I'm not perioding," said Brüste in a denyful tone.

  Herc gave a relieved sigh.

  "I will never sleep with you Craptain Jerk Lame-man."

  "You were amazing last night," purred Brüste as she lay with her head on Herc's chest. She wasn't wearing her medieval clothes anymore — she wasn't wearing anything. She was completely starkers — completely Billy bollocks. You could see everything — even her part.

  "You can take some of the credit for last night," Herc said. "You weren't too bad yourself."

  The door to Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter's room swung open. "Oh, Captain Braveman, there you are. I'm so glad to see you and my daughter have got past your differences."

  Herc sat up and lit up a Quantum Cigarette. Brüste leaned past him and retrieved a Quantum Light — the only choice for discerning lady smokers across the Intragalactic Empire.

  "I was hoping you would be willing to venture forth to the obelisk today, Captain Braveman," said Ambassador Platzhalter.

  Herc nodded bravely as he smiled gravely. "I will need a horse and one of your best weapons. My space blaster and my neuronic space whip were eaten by those nanolithic robots."

  "I have a whip we could use," purred Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter with a seductive, sexy, sensuous voice, zestfully.

  "I'm completely unarmed, except for these bad-boys." Herc clenched his fists and kissed each on in turn. Then he flexed his biceps and kissed them. Then he jiggled his pectoral muscles. He wasn't doing it to show off — it's not showing off if you can back it up, baby.

  Ambassador Platzhalter shook his head. "I'm afraid your pugilism will have no effect on the nanolithic robots."

  "Then bring me your finest sword," said Herc in a heroic tone. Herc rose to his feet, wiped his knob on the drapes, then pulled on his spandex suit. "The Intragalctic Empire calls," Herc said, turning to look at Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter.

  "When will I see you again, Captain Braveman?"

  "Whenever the stars collide and the galaxy turns; whenever the winds blow through the Nebulus Nebula, I will think of the name..." Herc paused as he struggled to remember the woman's name. "I will remember Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter."

  Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter sat up and scowled. "You're going to have to better than that, Captain Herc Braveman."

  Herc shrugged and pulled his arms into his suit. "The Intragalactic Empire calls," he said. "See you round."

  Ambassador Platzhalter led the way through the grounds of the space palace until they reached the space stables. A pair of space horses ate quantum hay as Herc patted them on their horse faces.

  "They are beautiful beasts," Herc said.

  "Yes — they are space horses," Ambassador Platzhalter said proudly. "They are exactly the same as regular horses, except they are in space."

  One of the horses made a noise in appreciation. Though Herc does not speak space horse, he knew the space was saying "I am your friend. You are Herc Braveman, the hero of the Intragalactic Empire. I know I can trust you to be my master. I am your steed. Ride me."

  Herc nodded, then patted the space horse on its horse face again. "We'll use this one as bait," he said. "It seems to trust me."

  Ambassador Platzhalter bowed and handed Herc his father's priceless sword. "This was my father's sword," he said, explainfully. "Use this to destroy the obelisk and take out those sodding nanolithic robots."

  "It's time to kick ass and chew gum, and this time it's personal," said Herc.

  Herc donned his space cowboy hat and climbed onto the space horse. "Ya!" he said, kicking the side of the space horse in the interplanetary signal for a space horse to go. The space horse did go — and boy did it go. It go good.

  Herc had never ridden a space horse before, but he took to it like a space duck takes to water. And even though the duck in question has never set a webbed foot in water before, there is something buried deep with its duck brain that means it knows exactly how to swim. Now, imagine that the duck not only took to the water like a duck to water, but became the Intragalactic Empire's swimming champion on its very first go — that's how good Herc Braveman was. But Herc was as modest as ever and decided not to submit his record to the Intragalactic Administration — it was only right that he gave others a chance (so long as they weren't women or foreigners, obviously).

  Ambassador Platzhalter struggled to keep up as they bounded across the plains. It was dead cloudy above, perhaps echoing what was coming ahead, both metaphorically and literally.

  The space horses slowed and became nervous as the obelisk came into view over the horizon. It looked just like that one from 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it definitely wasn't the same thing. Nanolithic robots swarmed around it like the smoke from a Quantum Cigarette, but no where near as smooth and silky. With that image in mind, Herc climbed down from the space horse, lit up a Quantum Cigarette and watched for several minutes.

  "What are you doing," asked Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "I'm waiting."

  "For what?"

  "I'm just waiting for the right moment."

  "How will you know the right moment?"

  "I'll know the right moment." Herc took a long final drag from the Quantum Cigarette then stubbed it out onto the space horse's rear end. With an almighty cry, the space horse bolted and ran straight towards the obelisk.

  "What are you doing?" asked Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "Watch," said Herc.

  The space horse kept running really fast. Nanolithic robots swarmed around the space horse, but quickly lost interest. The space horse carried on
running and went past the obelisk and carried on towards the horizon.

  "Just as I thought," said Herc.

  "What is it?" asked Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "The nanolithic robots aren't interested in space horses." Herc unsheathed his sword. "I'm going in. The Intragalactic Empire calls."

  Herc ran with his legs and feet towards the obelisk with the sword held aloft above his head. He charged towards the black and towering thing. "Aghhhhh!" he cried.

  He swung with the sword as hard as he could, his muscles bulging and strong. The sword struck the obelisk — but nothing happened. The nanolithic robots swarmed around, and the obelisk just stood there like a fat kid waiting for the cake shop to open.

  Ambassador Platzhalter placed a hand on Herc's shoulder. "You failed," he said. "It's okay."

  "I haven't failed — this was just the first diversion," said Herc through gritted teeth. "If anything, I've secured the first building block in the victory construction set."

  "My father's sword!" Ambassador Platzhalter cried as he let go of Herc and wept over his stupid, useless sword. "It's all bent."

  "See it as a sacrifice to the greater good," said Herc. "I'll ride us back to your space palace."

  "You're absolutely right," said Ambassador Platzhalter. "This was a great victory."

  Back at the space palace Herc paced before a group of fifty or so gathered slaves — it didn't really matter exactly how many there were, because it's not like they're real people.

  "I command you all to go forward to the obelisk and stamp on as many nanolithic robots as you can. They are the size of bugs, so we should treat them like slaves."

  The slaves cheered loudly because they knew they were going to be doing the Intragalactic King's work. None of them said anything to that affect, but Herc could tell beyond their hunched shoulders, emaciated frowns and shackled wrists, they were saying: "Yes, Herc Braveman. Lead us to a glorious victory against these evil nanolithic robots. We are your humble slaves — we live to serve you." Herc smiled at that knowledge.

  "You heard the man, get to work you lazy bastards," said Ambassador Platzhalter, as he ushered the slaves out of their pit with a crack of his space whip.

  Herc watched with joy as the slaves ambled on foot towards the obelisk. "I'm confident this will work, Ambassador Platzhalter," said Herc.

  "I hope it does," said Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "If it works, I'll be waiting for you in my chamber," said Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter. She was dressed in medieval clothes again, but still looked hot.

  "Then I will dedicate this victory to you, my dear," Herc said. He strode over to a space horse and donned his space cowboy hat. "It's time to kick ass and chew gum, and this time it's personal."

  He kicked the space horse's side with his heels and went "Ya!" to make the space horse go. He knocked a few slaves over as the space horse bounded over the plains towards the obelisk, but it really didn't matter — it wasn't like any people were hurt.

  The space horse slowed and Herc lit up a Quantum Cigarette. The slaves caught up with him after a while — they looked tired and lazy.

  "Look lively, you lazy sods," said Herc as he took a cool puff from his Quantum Cigarette, its smoke silky smooth as it filled his lungs like delicious grey air.

  The slaves sighed and cursed — as ungrateful slaves often do — but Herc knew this was their version of banter. As they approached the obelisk, Herc watched as the slaves set to work stamping on the nanolithic robots, squashing and crushing them beneath their bare, bloody feet.

  "Good work," Herc said, encouraging the slaves with his words. "You're splatting them good."

  The nanolithic robots suddenly gathered into something that looked a bit like a whirlpool, except in the air. Thousands of the tiny bastards swarmed around the slaves.

  Herc hadn't counted on the slaves' weakness in the face of battle. After a few seconds, the swarm rushed through ten slaves, tearing off their skin and pulling off any bits that could be pulled off.

  "Keep fighting," Herc called over the screams. "Think of the Intragalactic King."

  Herc had overestimated the slaves' commitment to the good fight and shook his head when another twenty of the lazy blighters were torn asunder by the nanolithic robots.

  "This is ridiculous," Herc sighed. He dropped down from his space horse to admonish a slave who was running away. Herc slapped the young girl over the back of the head. "Stop being weak," he said. "Go back there and fight for your king."

  The girl looked up with a trembling lip, tears filling her eyes. Herc shook his head and walked away as the nanolithic robots swarmed and turned the girl to slave-mush. A much-deserved punishment for her insubordination.

  With the massacre complete, Herc looked on, shocked. He turned to see Ambassador Platzhalter arriving with his daughter on the back of a space horse.

  "I'm very sorry for the damage to your property, Ambassador Platzhalter," Herc said. "These space communists hate property — they need to pay. They need to pay good, damn it."

  "Look," said Ambassador Platzhalter, pointing into the distance. "Isn't that your niece with that robot?"

  "Yes. They're missing out on all the fun," said Herc.

  "It looks like the nanolithic robots have stopped destroying my property," said Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "For now," said Herc, narrowing his eyes. "For now." He jumped back onto his space horse and kicked his heels into its side. "Ya!" he said. The space horse bolted, and Herc followed the line of a long black cable leading away from the obelisk.

  After a few minutes, Herc caught up with Lolita and M-ArtIn pulling at a large electrical plug.

  "Uncle Herc," said Lolita. "Help us get this out."

  Herc jumped off his horse and strode over the plug. He rolled up his sleeves to reveal his muscle-bound forearms and spat on his hands. He grabbed the plug and the three of them pulled really hard. They strained and pulled until finally something gave and the plug slipped out.

  "You did it!" said Ambassador Platzhalter, arriving with his daughter on a space horse. "Look!" Ambassador Platzhalter pointed over to the obelisk. The nanolithic robots dropped out of the sky and the obelisk turned from a deep black to a really dark grey.

  "Now turn it back on," said Lolita.

  Herc lifted the plug and pushed it back into the socket. The nanolithic robots set back into the air and the obelisk turned black again. "It should be working fine now," said Herc as he lit up a Quantum Cigarette. "The obelisk will only work for good and not evil."

  "You're right," said Ambassador Platzhalter pointing to the bodies of the massacred slaves. "They're repairing my property - they are bringing them back to life so they can continue to be my slaves. I don't know how I can ever thank you, Herc Braveman."

  Herc raised an eyebrow and eyed up Ambassador Platzhalter's daughter. "I'm just doing my job, Ambassador Platzhalter," Herc said. And with that, he took in a cool drag from his Quantum Cigarette.

  Back at the space palace, Ambassador Platzhalter held a gala dinner in honour of Herc Braveman. The newly resurrected slaves were on-hand to serve food, pour drinks and carry stuff around. Though their bodies were broken and each movement filled them with great agony, Herc could see in their eyes they were glad to be back in shackles. Although many of the resurrected children had the pained, listless expression of those who have travelled into the valley of death and looked into the abyss to find a bleak expanse of endless sorrow, he was still pleased Ambassador Platzhaltera had got his stuff back.

  "Fetch me a packet of Quantum Cigarettes," Herc ordered. The child was limping — the nanolithic robots had made something of a botch of the repairs, but Herc wanted the slave to feel needed, even though the slave would doubtlessly be better used as pig food, and probably would if it didn't start performing its duties better.

  "Thank you so much for everything you did for us," said Ambassador Platzhalter.

  "I'm just doing my job," said Herc.

  "Nonsense, Capta
in Braveman. You have gone above and beyond, as ever. Without you, we'd still be forced to wear these medieval clothes forever. Now, I'll be able to send for a shipment of the finest spandex."

  "Spandex is wonderful," agreed Herc.

  "I do have a question that has been puzzling me, Captain Braveman," said Ambassador Platzhalter. "Why was all of the electronic equipment destroyed by the nanolithic robots, yet M-ArtIn was completely unscathed?"

  "I can answer that," said Lolita.

  "Lolita, love. Be a dear and get me a drink, would you? The men are talking, we've a lot of important things to discuss." Herc turned back to Ambassador Platzhalter. "I'm sorry, Ambassador Platzhalter, "I'm afraid that is one of the mysteries of this great expanse we call space."

  "As a token of our appreciated for all that you have done, I wish to award you our highest honour," said Ambassador Platzhalter. "I give you the space key to Planetennamen."

  "You honour me," said Herc. "I'll put it in the box along with the rest of them."

  "In addition to that greatest of honours, I would also like to offer you the greatest honour of all — the hand of my daughter in marriage." Ambassador Platzhalter held his daughter's hand and smiled up at her. She smiled too — it wasn't every day a pretty girl's father arranged for them to get married to a man twice her age.

  Herc squirmed for a moment — the only thing he could ever be married to was his ship (not in a weird way — it's a metaphor, keep up). He didn't mind having a drunken fumble in a bus stop or having a piece he could call up whenever, but this was too much, too soon and too much. He wasn't afraid of commitment. He was being kind.

  At that very second, Herc's starship the Deus Ex Machina activated the Miracle Drive and whisked Herc, M-ArtIn and Lolita away from the awkward situation.

  Herc was on the bridge of his ship once again, surrounded by his crew. He lit up a Quantum Cigarette and smiled that another mission was complete.

  Want more?

  When Herc Braveman and his ragtag crew of the Intragalactic Empire's finest misfits and underdogs are called to the Austin 316 star system, it can only mean one thing — the spandex mines are in peril.