Hard to Let Go

by Laura Kaye

  After a long moment Beckett nodded. “That’s why I gotta talk to Emilie. And to Nick. Which I should probably run by Kat first.” No probably about it. She’d told him to keep what they had private, which meant he needed to get her permission and explain why he wanted it. Hell. He heaved out a long, weary breath.

  “That’s a lotta talking, for you.” Marz winked.

  Beckett gave a small chuckle, and damn if the humor didn’t feel good. “That’s a damn lotta talking. But I guess it’s overdue.”

  Overdue and necessary. Because he and Kat couldn’t be anything more than they were until he did.

  IT WAS QUARTER after seven, fifteen minutes beyond the end of Kat’s shift. Where the heck was her relief?

  Though, honestly, she’d been glad for the time alone. Because it meant she’d had the privacy to return the court’s call and finally get confirmation that the police had served Cole the temporary protective order. Interesting how quiet her phone had gotten after that, just as she’d expected. Thank God for small favors.

  Footsteps echoed from the stairwell of the old building, and Kat hugged herself and rubbed her arms, glad she’d brought over a second T-shirt so she could layer up. The sun had nearly set, and the air hung right on that line between daylight warmth and evening cool.

  The footsteps reached the landing, and Kat turned to see who was here to relieve her.

  “Wait, you just did a shift. What are you doing here?” she asked Beckett. Though, unlike earlier when he’d come to her bedroom and she really hadn’t wanted him there—well, not at first, now she was pleasantly surprised.

  “This,” he said, marching up to her, muscles flexing, eyes blazing, limp noticeable but not slowing him down at all. He took her tightly in his arms and kissed her like she was the air he needed to breathe.

  Kat melted. No part of her even considered not surrendering to the warm grip of his wandering hands, to the demanding caress of his tongue on hers, to the almost instantaneous bulge rubbing maddeningly against her belly. And, oh God, those little groans he made in the back of his throat had her core clenching with need and want.

  “I . . . missed you,” he whispered as his mouth kissed a trail to her ear, her jaw, her throat. Her chest gave a pang at the admission, but then his tongue was back in her mouth, making her climb him until her legs were around his waist and that bulge pressed and rubbed right where she needed him most. “I want in, Kat. Will you let me?”

  She moaned and ground herself against his cock. Would it always be like this with them? From zero to molten-hot, animalistic attraction? Because she was already wet for him from just the kiss, from just the dozen words he’d uttered. “Yes, Beckett. I need you.”

  He set her down and his hands went to the button of her jeans. Suddenly, he froze. “Is it going to be too cold for you?”

  Kat smiled, her eyebrow arching. “Not if you only remove what you absolutely have to.” She didn’t know why she thought it was so hot that they hadn’t even managed to get undressed most of the times they’d been together, but she totally did.

  Beckett’s grin was absolutely wicked. “I’m down with that.” He tugged her jeans and panties to mid-thigh, then pushed her backward, step by slow step, while kissing her neck and running his fingers through the wetness between her legs. Her back came up against the brick wall of the old warehouse. “But someday soon I’m going to strip you down, spread you out, and do this right.” He winked.

  Holy crap. If the amazing sex they’d already had wasn’t “right,” she might not survive the sex he thought was. “No complaints here,” she said.

  He sucked and nibbled on her bottom lip. “That’s good. Now, turn around and stick out that ass.”

  “So bossy,” she said, her core clenching at the command. And at the sexy, low chuckle he gave.

  And then he went down to his knees behind her, and grabbed her ass in a way that opened her up and forced her to further arch. She nearly screamed when he plunged his tongue inside her wetness and flicked and sucked and lapped at her over and over again. Relentless. Demanding. And so damn sexy that Kat thought she’d lose her mind.

  Then he added his thumb to the mix, using it to worry her clit fast and hard and firm, and she came apart in his hands. Her fingers clawed the brick wall, her breathing halted and then whooshed out of her on a long moan, and her knees went soft.

  He kissed her lower back. “Hearing you come is my new favorite sound,” he said, his breath ticklish against her skin.

  “Oh, God, Beckett.” She held onto the wall and hoped the room stopped spinning around her. She felt him rise to his full height, the denim of his jeans rough against her bare cheeks. And despite the incredible satisfaction he’d given her, the sounds of him undoing his pants, pushing them down, and jerking his cock in his own hand revved her right back up again. He smacked his long, hard length against her ass, and she moaned.

  “You’re gonna feel so fucking good,” he said, his fist bumping against her as he stroked himself. “I just know it.”

  She peered over her shoulder, and God, the sight of his big hand wrapped around that gorgeous cock was erotic as hell. “Come find out.”

  He closed the distance between them, grabbed her hip and teased her opening with his thick head. “You want me, Kat?”

  “Jesus, Beckett, I’m dripping for you.”

  “Fuck,” he said on a groan, and then he sank deep.

  “Oh, yeah,” Kat rasped, loving the overwhelming way he filled her. “That’s it. God, you’re so damn big.”

  His arms came around the front of her, one hand settled on a breast, the other on her throat. He was hunched around her so they touched from thigh to head. He pressed his lips to her ear. “And you’re so damn small. Don’t let me hurt you. Never let me hurt you, Angel. Promise me.” He withdrew on a slow, tormenting stroke.

  Kat wasn’t sure whether the words or the pleading tone behind them tugged at her heart more. “I won’t, Beckett. And you won’t.” She tried to push herself back on him, but he was holding her so tight that he controlled her movement entirely. “I need you.”

  “You have me, Kat.” He bottomed out inside her again. “Have me.”

  He kept up the slow-and-deep rhythm until Kat was moaning and begging and clenching and unclenching her fists against the wall. “Oh, God, Beckett. Please let go. I need you hard and fast and unrestrained.”

  “Yeah?” he said, licking the shell of her ear.

  “Yeah,” she whimpered.

  And then he boxed her up tight against the brick, his arms keeping the front of her body away from the rough surface, and fucked her until she couldn’t talk, couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe. The head of his cock hit a sensitive spot inside her again and again and again. Standing with her legs together made her so tight that she could feel her own slickness on her thighs. And the tight grip of his hands on her breast and her throat shot bolts of electricity through her blood. It was spectacular.

  “I want you to come again,” he rasped. “Come all over me.”

  “Just don’t stop,” she whispered. “Just . . . don’t . . . oh, God, coming.” Her body tightened until it was almost painful and then splintered apart in a thousand floating pieces. Her moan was long and low.

  “So fucking good, Kat. Jesus.”

  When she could catch her breath, she reached her hand back and lightly grasped the side of his head, her mouth finding his for a kiss. “I love this with you,” she said. The ferocity with which he kissed her made her stomach flip. But as true as the words were, it wasn’t just the sex she loved with Beckett. She loved that he could be so hard yet so soft. She loved that he pushed her yet supported her. She loved that he could apologize and that, for all his incredible strength, he could show vulnerability, too. Even if it was in his own fucked-up way. And as much as she liked to bitch about it, she kinda loved how he drove her crazy, because she was pretty sure she did it to him, too.

  What all that meant, especially in the midst of this crisis, she
wasn’t sure, but there also wasn’t any hurry to define it right now. Was there?

  Beckett groaned, and the sound of his pleasure spiked her own. His hips flew against her, the smacking of skin on skin and their rough breaths loud in the otherwise quiet space. “Coming. Fucking coming in you.” His hold on her tightened until she could barely breathe, but she wouldn’t have changed it for the world. And then his cock pulsed inside her over and over again. “God . . . damn,” he gritted out.

  When Beckett finally withdrew from her, Kat missed him everywhere. His heat. His hold. His body inside hers. But he gently turned her, then grabbed some napkins from the supplies. Kat cleaned herself up and they quietly reassembled themselves. All the while, she hoped like hell that things wouldn’t go from awesome to weird as they had before.

  Expression serious, Beckett took her hands in his.

  And Kat’s heart fell to the floor. Here it comes again. She could already hear him saying that this was a mistake—

  “I don’t want to hide us anymore,” he said.

  Wait. What? “You . . . what?” His words were so unexpected, she half felt like she’d just walked, cartoonlike, into a pole she hadn’t known was there.

  “I don’t know what we might be, Kat, but I know what I want us not to be. I don’t want us to be some dirty little secret. And I don’t want us to pretend around everyone else that we don’t care. And I don’t want us to just be quickies in a sniper’s roost.” Those bright blue eyes absolutely blazed at her.

  Kat’s head spun. Not because she didn’t like the sound of what he was saying, but because she was gobsmacked that he was the one saying it. Mostly, she’d contented herself with thinking quickies in a sniper’s roost were all they’d ever be, no matter how much her heart found deeper, sweeter things to like about the man.

  “I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to, though,” he said, brow furrowing and shoulders sagging. Just the littlest bit.

  But it was enough to make her realize she hadn’t responded adequately, or, like, at all. “No, no. I’m sorry. I’m just surprised. But I’d like not hiding, too. At first, well, I wasn’t sure . . .” She shrugged. “But there’s clearly something here, Beckett. And I’d like to know what it might be without feeling like we’re doing something wrong.”

  “Exactly,” he said, hope filling his eyes. And God if that didn’t make them even prettier.

  She smiled as butterflies whipped through her belly. Kinda ridiculous, given that she was a twenty-nine-year-old woman, but the feeling was there all the same. “So, uh, what were you thinking? And, oh, by the way, I’m pretty sure Jeremy might’ve guessed something’s going on already.”

  “Yeah, I caught that. Marz, too, by the way.”

  “Damn, they’re good.” Kat chuckled.

  “Or just giant busybodies.”

  Grinning, Kat nodded. “They could be that, too.”

  Beckett cupped his big hand around Kat’s face. “The first thing I’d like to do is talk to Nick.” Kat couldn’t hold back the groan that spilled out of her, and it made Beckett chuckle. “Trust me, I’m not looking forward to that conversation either. But he’s one of my best friends and my teammate. If he doesn’t hear it from me, he’s gonna be pissed. Or more pissed, as the case may be.”

  “Yes, well. He excels in that,” Kat said, still smarting from the morning.

  Beckett’s thumb stroked under her eye. “I agree he crossed a line, Angel. But try to remember that he was worried out of his mind about both you and Becca. He wasn’t mad so much at you as at the possibility of losing you two.”

  Kat turned her head and pressed a kiss into Beckett’s palm. “I know, but the whole reason I took the risks I did was to make sure Becca got back to him safely. I know what she means to him. Hell, I love her myself. I’d never let anything happen to her. Or Charlie, for that matter. Because I know what the two of them mean to my brothers. It just would’ve been nice for him to at least recognize I brought her home to him. I did the job he asked me to do.”

  “You did,” Beckett said, giving her a small, soft kiss.

  Crossing her arms, Kat pouted, just a little. “I’m glad he has you hard-asses to stand up for him, too, even though I’m irritated as hell at him.”

  Beckett pressed his lips into a line, and it was clear he was trying not to smile.

  “Shut up,” she said.

  He couldn’t resist grinning at that, and he put his arms around her. Trying not to laugh, Kat pushed him away. “Aw, don’t be like that, Angel.”

  “Don’t think that Angel crap is gonna get you out of everything either.” She was totally failing at holding back the smile now, and his laughter proved it.

  He held his thumb and forefinger close together. “It helps a little though, right?”

  She swatted at his hand. “No, Trigger, it doesn’t.”

  Beckett’s eyes went wide, then narrowed to slits, the scars around his eye making the expression seem even more severe. “You did not just go there again.”

  “I totally did,” she said, owning her grin now. She backpedaled as he stalked after her, her spine coming up against the brick again.

  He grabbed her hands and pinned them to the wall on either side of her. “What am I going to do with you?”

  Kat waggled her eyebrows. “The possibilities are endless.”

  Nodding, his smile slowly slipped off his face. “Can I tell you something?”

  Frowning, Kat nodded. “Yeah, of course. What just happened?”

  His brows slashed down and he let go of her hands. She rested them on his chest, concern sloshing into her belly. “I want you to know . . . I’m going to talk to Emilie tonight after our meeting. I had a sonofabitch for a father, Kat. Never missed an opportunity to beat me up or tear me down.” He swallowed hard.

  Kat’s heart pounded in grief and outrage for him. “That fucking sucks, Beckett. I’m so sorry.”

  He shook his head. “Thing is, the shit my father did is like a poison inside me. I need some help to get it out.”

  Throwing her arms around his neck, Kat held on as tight as she could, given the disparity in their height. “Whatever you need, I am here for you.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek, her lips caressing the mass of scars by his eye. Were those from his father or war? Either way, she hated that life had been so hard on this man.

  Beckett leaned down so he could return the hug more firmly. “I don’t want it to poison you, too.”

  Damn if that sentiment didn’t make her chest bloom with warmth and sadness. This sweet, strong, tough-as-nails man had all kinds of rough edges . . . because someone had given them to him—or, by the sounds of it, carved them into him.

  And, oh God, the pleading words he’d murmured in his sleep last night came back to her. Why you doing this? What did I do?

  All at once the things that had so confused her about Beckett Murda became instantly, heartbreakingly clearer. And now she knew what those defense mechanisms were protecting him from.

  “You could never do that, Beckett. You’re a good man, do you hear me?”

  A fast nod of his head against hers. And then, finally, he released her from the hug. “I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to less—talking to Emilie or your brother.”

  Kat gave a small smile. “Don’t be afraid of my brother. You can take him.”

  He chuffed out a laugh. “I don’t know. Nick is fast on his feet.”

  “Yes, but we have a secret weapon that will totally disarm his anger, if necessary.” Kat grinned, the wheels in her head turning.

  “We do?” he asked.

  “Yep. And her name is Becca.”

  Chapter 15

  “Was anyone able to learn anything else?” Nick asked the group as Kat and Beckett joined everyone in the gym. They were the last two to come to the nine o’clock meeting, and the fact that they both brought a sandwich and a drink with them clearly indicated that they’d been otherwise occupied during what was supposed to have been dinnertime. But n
ow that they’d agreed to go public, Kat didn’t really care. Although that didn’t mean she didn’t want to smack the smirk off Jeremy’s face when she and Beckett sat down together.

  Pain in the ass brothers.

  Oh, great. And Marz was kinda smirking, too.

  “Yeah, we did,” Charlie said. He counted off on his fingers. “We found a number of places—though we’re still compiling just how many it might be—where there are notations that read, ‘K orders,’ or ‘K contact.’ Marz and I had noticed that before, but we didn’t know what it might mean. In light of today’s developments, it seems pretty clear it refers to Kaine.”

  “That’s a little loose, though,” Shane said, hands braced on the back of the folding chair in which Sara sat. “Isn’t it?”

  “I don’t think so,” Marz said. “I read some of the ones where it says ‘K orders,’ and I can remember a few of those missions. More importantly, at least two of them involved changes to existing orders that I recall came to Merritt from above. I’m sure if Nick looks those over, he could recall even more.”

  “So,” Nick said, “Merritt was noting places where Kaine had ordered us to transport to a different heroin disposal facility. That kinda thing?” His arms were crossed, his face set in concentration.

  “Exactly,” Charlie said. He pressed against his next finger. “Those notations match up with times when my father’s records show a disparity between pounds of heroin dropped off for disposal and pounds of heroin actually destroyed.”

  “No one’s really watching any of that over there, are they?” Easy asked, shaking his head.

  “No. And I’m sure they were counting on exactly that,” Nick said. “Jesus.”

  “But what they weren’t counting on,” Beckett said from next to Kat, “was the fact that Merritt was watching, was taking note of the doctored books. And when Kaine found out, that threatened the entire operation.”