Mutual Feelings

by Billy Taylor

  I paused for a moment and nodded to his well-thought-out plan.

  “Don’t judge me, I did the same for you when you wanted to ask out Zac.”

  “I’m not judging you,” I replied, “I’m admiring your well-thought-out plan.”

  Zac was still childishly grinning over at me because of Ted’s comment about us going to the cinema just for her, but I pretended to not notice her. “I’d be delighted to go with you, Ted. Tell me more about her,” Zac said as she sat up and shuffled over to edge of the sofa so she could gossip with Ted about Autumn.

  And for the next thirty minutes, Ted went into greater detail about Autumn’s appearance. It was weird listening to Ted talk about a girl this way. He’s always hooked up with girls and then moved on to the next. I think what I’m trying to say is he’s never gone into detail about a girl the way he did with Autumn. Normally he would say she was smoking hot and then that was it. Maybe Autumn slapped him a lot harder than he thought.

  February 21st

  Ted called Autumn the next morning and told her that his eye was much better, and then he asked if she was doing the tour today and if he could bring a friend to go on it with him. And she was, so he booked himself and Zac a spot on it. He was so excited. I felt like telling Zac to hold his hand during the tour so he didn’t run off.

  So they left at lunchtime and got a taxi to the museum because it closes earlier on the weekends. I sat and watched some television, waiting for their return. But there wasn’t much on so I visited the shops and bought some food and cooked us all dinner upon their return. I decided to make some spaghetti and meatballs. I thought it would be nice to eat dinner and talk about how it went. And then the door flew open, as I was mixing everything. Perfect timing really. I didn’t even hear the key in the lock.

  “Will, you have to meet Autumn! She is amazing!” Zac yelled, skipping and jumping over to me like an excited child.

  Ted walked in and sat on his sofa without saying a word.

  “Ok…” I said. “So how did it go?”

  “The tour was so good. Some of the bits were a bit boring and uninteresting. But she wasn’t boring. She was amazing. I could have watched and listened to her all day. She’s super clever and spoke so well. She’s very funny, too, but I didn’t understand the jokes she was telling, but people laughed, so that means she’s funny! And her face, her face looks like a thousand angels carved it. If Ted doesn’t ask her out, then I’m asking her out!”

  “I can ask her out myself, Zac. I’m going to do it tomorrow when I go with Will,” Ted said.

  “I wasn’t talking about you asking her out. I was talking about me asking her out,” she replied.

  “Excuse me,” I said. “You’re already the captain of my ship.” Zac placed a hand on the small of my back and sulked.

  “Yeah, Zac,” Ted added. “You have Will. You can’t have Autumn, too.”

  Zac dismissed Ted. She hopped onto the kitchen side, beside the stove, so she could look and talk to me. She took off her beanie. “Ok, so imagine the most beautiful girl ever to have existed, ever,” she said.

  I stopped stirring for a moment and I looked into Zac’s beautiful blue eyes and said, “Ok.”

  “Are you imagining her?” she asked, her perfect smile visible.

  “I’m looking at her.”

  Zac looked at me silently for a moment, and then she produced her adorable blush. And then she hid herself behind her hands. She looked unbelievably cute, as always. I so wanted to kiss her. But, you know, rules, so I smiled and watched her.

  “Will,” Ted said.

  “Yes?” I said, not moving my sight from Zac.

  “That was the smoothest thing I may have had the pleasure of witnessing since my existence began.”

  “Thanks, Ted. You were saying, Zac?” I said, leaning forward and poking her shoulder.

  She rubbed her face and ran her hands through her hair. “Yes. I was going to say then times her by ten.”

  “I don’t think that’s possible, Zac. But thank you for trying to help me out. I’ll see Autumn tomorrow anyway. Right, Ted?”

  “Yes, you shall.” Ted replied.

  “I made dinner for us all,” I then said, beginning to stir again.

  “What did you make?” Ted asked as he rose from his sofa and wandered over.

  “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

  “Yummy.” He grabbed three plates and placed them onto the kitchen side.

  “I’m not hungry, thank you,” Zac said.

  I glanced up and asked her, “Are you sure? There is more than enough for everyone.”

  “Yes, I’m sure. I might have some later. I’m not hungry right now.”

  “Ok, that’s fine. I’ll plate mine and Ted’s food up and then you can tell me more about meeting Autumn.”

  Ted and Zac went on for the entire evening about how amazing Autumn and the museum were. They got to the museum a little early so they inspected the pirate gun that Ted had previously mentioned. And Zac agreed that they couldn’t see anything of significance that could lead them to a secret hidden pirate treasure.

  February 22nd

  I woke up this morning to feel a light breeze on my face. I thought it was Zac trying to wake me up. So I smiled and said good morning and then I got a reply of good morning in return, but it wasn’t from Zac. Unless her voice had severely changed during the night.

  I opened my eyes to see Ted lying on her side of the bed with his head on the pillow. “Hey handsome,” he said. “Ready to meet Autumn?”

  I groaned. “We’re not meeting Autumn for another four or five hours,” I replied as I rolled over.

  “Still, it’s exciting.”

  “Where’s Zac?” I muttered.

  “She’s making toast.” As I thought over what he said I heard the familiar sound of something being spread onto toast. And the familiar smell of toast. The radio was on, too. I could hear Elton John singing “Bennie and the Jets.”

  Zac entered the bedroom moments later with two slices of toast on a plate. “Good morning,” she said. “I made you toast.”

  “I’ve never had breakfast in bed before.”

  “Me neither,” Ted said. I turned to him and gave him an unamused “get out” look. He raised his hands and exited. I took the plate from Zac as she sat beside me.

  “Erm, Zac.”

  “Yes?”

  “I think you’ve given me the wrong toast, these slices have a bite taken out of each of them.”

  She shook her head. “No, that’s my thing. I always take a bite out of each slice. I’ve done it since I was a kid if I ever made toast for my family.”

  I smiled. “That’s adorable.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “It isn’t.” She fiddled with her hair and then slumped into the cushions.

  “Thank you for my part missing toast, Zac,” I said, biting into a slice.

  “You’re welcome, Will.”

  Sundiscussion Topic:

  What is Harrison Ford’s best movie role?

  “I’ve only seen Indiana Jones, and small bits of Star Wars. So I’ll take Indiana Jones,” Zac started.

  “And Will and I will be defending Star Wars,” Ted added.

  “I’m saying Blade Runner. As much as I love Star Wars I think Blade Runner is Harrison Ford’s best film. I love Blade Runner. It’s one of my favourite films.” I responded.

  “Will, why?” Ted whined. “Star Wars is Harrison Ford’s best film. How can you not agree with that?”

  “I think I’d choose Indiana Jones over Star Wars, too. Don’t get me wrong, you know I love Star Wars more than anything in the world. But he’s one of three plus main characters, where as in the other films, he’s the leading role.”

  Ted nodded and accepted my defence. “That is a fair point, Will.”

  “Can I ask a relevant, but also nonrelevant question?” Zac then asked.

  “Of course,” I replied.

  “Ho
w come when Indiana Jones throws his whip around a branch or whatever, it stays there until he swings across to wherever he needs to go. But when he arrives there, he just simply tugs the whip and it unravels the knot. How does that work? Surely if it was that simple it would unravel while he swung and he would fall?”

  Ted and I both started to smile and we opened our mouths to reply, but then we looked at each other unable to provide an explanation or an answer to her question.

  “I actually have no idea,” I said.

  “I’ve never thought about that,” Ted added.

  Zac made Ted and me a ham sandwich before our trip to see Autumn at the museum, while we tried to figure out how Indiana Jones was able to swing on his whip without falling and then was able pull it free afterwards for her.

  “So the whip is pretty thick and strong. If he can make a knot around a log or whatever, it should hold his weight,” Ted said with his fingers on his chin. He was in a similar posture to that of a Greek statue.

  “But Zac didn’t ask about it supporting his weight, she wants to know how the knot is unravelled once he reaches the other side,” I replied.

  Ted pouted for a moment and then he slapped his knee. “I’ve no idea, maybe tugging the rope from a different angle undoes the knot somehow. That’s all I’m going to think about when I watch Indiana Jones from now on. Thanks, Zac. You’ve ruined it for me.”

  “You’re welcome,” she replied, with her usual tight-lipped smile. She walked over and placed a plate in front of Ted and me with our ham sandwiches.

  “Are you not having a sandwich?” I asked.

  “No, I’m not hungry,” she replied.

  “You know, apart from the time you had a small amount of pasta at your place, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat anything. I mean taking a bite out of each slice of toast doesn’t count. Even when we’re here and I ask what you want for tea you say you’re not hungry or you don’t want anything eat,” I replied. I didn’t say it in a mean or angry way. I just said it as an observation.

  After I said that, Zac looked really uncomfortable and upset. She stood up and walked into my bedroom without another word being said. I looked over at Ted, unsure if it was something I did that upset her.

  “Was it something I said?” I whispered. I became really concerned that it was something I said and I felt so guilty and stupid.

  Ted shrugged. “I didn’t think you said anything offensive. You were only commenting on her not having anything to eat.”

  I turned and stared at my closed bedroom door. I placed my sandwich back onto its plate and walked to the bedroom to see if she was ok. Zac was sat on the edge of my bed, fiddling with her hands. I closed my bedroom door and sat beside her and put my arm around and kissed her cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “It’s nothing you did,” she quickly whispered back.

  “Then what’s wrong? You can talk to me. You could say anything and I wouldn’t judge you, and it definitely won’t change how I feel about you. Unless you’re going to tell me you don’t like puppies, because everyone likes puppies.”

  I heard her laugh a little, but I couldn’t see her that much because her hair was covering my view of her. “That’s why I left my parents’ house,” she began to say. “My ex cheated on me with three girls. It could have been more. I’m not sure. But Natalie showed me some pictures of the girls he had been with, since she found out, and they were all…they were all…thin. And then when I looked at myself, I thought that’s why he did it. I became depressed and stopped eating, and made a habit of it. And maybe after a month, my mum noticed and told my dad. And he was furious with me. When I got home one day, he and my mum sat me down. But he wasn’t trying to be supportive or trying to help, he just yelled at me. Told me how stupid I was acting over a boy. And then he said I wasn’t allowed to live with them until I started behaving properly. So I moved in with Natalie. My wages from the cinema just about covered everything. I’ve tried to start eating more and be more like myself, but it’s hard, I can’t help myself, I don’t know what to do.”

  I could feel my eyes filling with tears. I rubbed them and then sniffled. “Thank you for telling me. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you to tell me that,” I said.

  “That’s why I got so mad with you when I thought Rosie was your girlfriend. I know how horrible it is to be cheated on. And I don’t want to be one of those girls that causes another girl pain like that… I’m sorry.” She started to cry, and I put my arms around her and rested her head on my chest. “No cuddling,” she mumbled.

  “Oh, shut up. Your rules can be put aside for a moment,” I replied. As I rubbed my hand up and down her back, I thought about her mentioning Rosie as I did so. What Zac didn’t know, what Ted doesn’t even know, is that Rosie had a severe eating disorder. It’s been longer than a decade ago now since. I was nine or ten and she was fifteen or sixteen. And I don’t remember much from that time, as I was only young.

  But one thing that I haven’t forgotten, and will never forget, was the one time I was in school and my grandfather took me out of class early to take me to the hospital because the doctors didn’t think Rosie was going to make it. And I remember walking up to the hospital bed she was in, all my family was gathered around. My mum was sitting in a chair beside her bed and she picked me up and put me on her lap so I could see Rosie. And I can’t describe the girl I saw in the hospital bed. All I can say is that it looked nothing like my sister. The heartbreaking thing was that I thought she was already dead. She looked so lifeless. I hadn’t seen her for a month or two because my mum sent me to live with my grandparents. And I don’t know what the doctors did, but over the next couple of days and weeks, she started showing unbelievable signs of change. And somewhere between the next six to twelve months she was Rosie again.

  I barely saw her during that time as I continued to stay with my grandparents. But Mum would always visit and sometimes she would bring Rosie with her. And when Rosie visited it always made me so happy.

  I lifted Zac’s head and wiped her eyes and brushed her hair back. “I’m not going to try to tell you to do something or force you into anything. I will do whatever you want and be whatever you need. But may I suggest something?” I said, looking at her beautiful blue eyes looking back at me.

  “Yes, ok,” she replied.

  “My sister, Rosie, had an eating disorder when she was younger. I was very young at the time so I can’t remember a lot. But like you said about knowing how horrible it is to be cheated on and you don’t want to be one of those girls that causes another girl pain like that because you know that pain. I think if Rosie knew you were going through something similar to what she has, she wouldn’t want you to deal with that pain, too. And I’m going to my mum’s next weekend for dinner, and Rosie will be there. If you would like to come, you could maybe talk to her or you could text her or call. Whatever you feel comfortable with. I’m not expecting you to make a decision now, and you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Ted and I have to go see Autumn soon, so you can relax here and then I’ll drive you home later.”

  Zac sniffled her nose and took a deep breath. “Thank you.”

  I was about to stand and kiss the top of her hand, but I took a deep breath myself and remained seated. “I just want you to know, I think you’re perfect, I do. And you shouldn’t have to change for anyone, ever, no matter what. And yesterday, when you told me to imagine the most beautiful girl ever to have existed, ever, and I said I was looking at her…I meant it. I meant it.”

  “You better not be falling in love with me, Will. That’s not what we agreed,” she joked.

  I laughed and then said, “I’m going to run you a bath.”

  “Do I smell again?” she asked with a smirk.

  “I’m nearly throwing up, you smell that bad,” I replied.

  “Don’t forget my bubbles.”

  “Roger that, Captain Panda.”

  I got a chair and sat beside Zac in t
he bath to keep her company.

  “So does your sister work in America or was she there on holiday?” Zac asked.

  “She has been over there for a few years now. She originally went there to study at university. But after she finished, she decided to stay and she got herself a job. She comes back during the holidays sometimes, or she’ll surprise my mum for Mother’s Day or me for my birthday. But over the past five years I bet I’ve not even seen her for a full month if you added all the days together.”

  “That must be hard,” Zac said. “I’m guessing you two were always close before she left?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “We always used to annoy each other and get on each other’s back. But we loved one another really. Do you not have any siblings?” I asked.

  “Nope…just me,” she replied. She poked her feet out of the bubbles rubbed them together. “What… what about your mum? What does she do?” Zac asked.

  “My mum is a gardener. She doesn’t mow the lawn. If that needs doing, she has a guy who goes with her to do that. She works on all sorts of scales though. Sometimes she does work for her neighbours, and then she maintains gardens for companies and retirement homes as well. If she’s not gardening for somebody else, she’s in her own garden. She’s always happiest when she’s gardening. You should see her garden. It’s like a magical wonderland. You’d like my mum. She’s lovely.”

  “She sounds nice.”

  “What about your dad?” she asked.

  “Oh, I don’t see my dad. He cheated on my mum and they got divorced when I was three. Rosie was eight. I used to see him when I was younger, but then I stopped seeing him. Rosie and I didn’t particularly like him that much. He lives in Scotland now. He got remarried about ten years ago and they had two kids together, too.”

  “I’m sorry,” Zac said. Every strand of her hair was wet. So her hair above the water was clinging to the side of her face. And her hair below the water was very flowing and fluffy and free. It was odd seeing her hair with its less than normal volume.