Shiftr_Swipe Left for Love_Jessica

by Ariana Hawkes

  “I don’t want to force you by putting a guilt trip on you, Jess,” Christian said, breaking through her thoughts. “I can only tell you that this is something very important for me. And if you’re my mate, I’ll spend my life trying to make you the happiest woman on earth. You’ll be loved, protected and adored. But if it’s not right for you, please say no.”

  She allowed herself to fall back on the bed, needing to break the tension between their two bodies. But it actually made things worse, as now he was arching over her, and, against her will, her body called out to him, to throw himself over her, crush her beneath his muscular bulk.

  He gazed at her, waiting, hanging on her words.

  “What about Lucas?” she said, surprised at how strained her voice sounded. Christian let out a sigh that was more like a groan.

  “He’ll understand. He understands the pressures I’m under better than anyone.” She looked deep into his eyes. He was refusing to acknowledge the truth. Or did he really not know that Lucas had feelings for her? Maybe it was something they never discussed. It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she loved them both. But what if I decide to accept his proposal? Won’t it make things impossible if he knows that my heart is divided? She didn’t know if she was going to say yes, but instinctively, she realized that if she was going to agree to be his mate, then she had to give it her all.

  “I need some time,” she said at last. His eyes softened.

  “Of course you do. I wasn’t expecting an immediate answer from you. Please take as much time as you need.” His voice broke on the last word. She squeezed his hand, knowing he was thinking about his father, and wondering whether there were many days left. He reached for his glass on the nightstand and drained it.

  “I should go,” he said. As much as she needed time to think, her heart ached at the thought of being separated from him.

  “You should be with your mom,” she said.

  “No, she’s at the hospital, sleeping in dad’s room.”

  “Then stay here if you want?”

  “Are you sure?” She nodded.

  “Absolutely. Let’s get room service and finish that wine.” His smile was so full of gratitude that it brought a lump to her throat.

  They ate chicken wings and more burgers, and Christian told her more about pack politics, while carefully avoiding discussing his father. She didn’t press him, knowing that he talked about things openly when he needed to, without being encouraged.

  “This must all sound pretty barbaric to you. These clans fighting for power and taking control of weaker clans, like something from the stone age.”

  “I guess it’s a pretty primal instinct in all living species,” she said carefully. “Humans just conceal it beneath a veneer of respectability. But look how many wars are going on all around the world, nearly all caused by one group of people wanting to steal the land belonging to another group of people. We’re just as barbaric. I have no illusions about that at all.” Christian grinned.

  “I loved how you were such a pacifist at school. I remember you arguing with Mr Timms about the UK’s involvement in the Iraq war. You’d never back down, however much he threw at you. I admired you so much for that.” She laughed.

  “But you must have sided with Mr Timms.”

  “No, not at all. I’m not into taking land and conquering other clans. I’m actually a pacifist too. I totally agreed with all the arguments you made. My father is not a pacifist, which is why there’s been so much turmoil during his leadership. We established ourselves in this country by chasing another clan out of Wynter Hollow. But when I become alpha, I’ll work to keep good relations with other clans, and institute a purely defensive strategy.”

  “Will that work?”

  “I don’t know. I imagine that there are some who will claim that I’m a weak alpha, and may present challenges to my leadership.”

  “And then?”

  “My mother would be ashamed if I was deposed.” Jessica was quiet, absorbing everything.

  “But what do you want, Christian? You talk about keeping your parents happy, but you’ve got to live your own life too.”

  “I feel like I’ve gone far enough by refusing to accept a shifter mate. I can’t turn my back on the family that raised me. They lost one of their sons and I’ve always wanted to make sure that I make them happy.”

  “And if I say no to being your mate?” He gave a bitter laugh.

  “It’s back to Shiftr, and some intense dating for me.” He lifted her hand and examined her fingers. “But it wouldn’t be the same. No-one has ever compared to you. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’ve always dated girls who look like you. And all they did was remind me of you. You’re one in a million, Jessica. And your algorithm has already proved that no-one could suit me as well as you.” Jessica giggled, which somehow broke the tension.

  “That sounds like the most computer-nerd chat-up line ever,” she said. Christian burst out laughing too, and they laughed for a long time, just like they used to when they would lie on her bed watching their favorite comedy show.

  Jessica wiped the tears away from her eyes.

  “I guess we should get some sleep. It’s been a long day for both of us.”

  Jessica used the bathroom first, and when Christian came back from cleaning his teeth, he looked at the single queen-sized bed doubtfully.

  “I’ll sleep on the floor,” he said.

  “No, don’t be silly.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll shift, so it’ll be really comfy.”

  “As much as I’d like to see you in your bear form, no. We’re adults. It’s a big bed, and we’ve shared a bed before.”

  “I don’t have pyjamas.”

  “That’s okay.” She glanced at his jeans, which were hanging so sexily from his hips. “Unless you’re going commando?”

  “No, ma’am,” he replied in a jokey voice, and they laughed again.

  She slipped under the covers, glad that she was wearing a loose t-shirt and shorts set, and tried not to watch as he stripped down to a snug pair of white undershorts and a white t-shirt. But it was no use. She caught a glimpse of his muscular thighs and biceps, the color of his clothing bringing out the deeply-tanned hue of his skin, and there was that tingle deep inside her again.

  She lay down, right on the outer edge of the bed, leaving a sizeable no-man’s land between them. He turned out the light and sighed sleepily. She closed her eyes, which were burning from tiredness, expecting to fall asleep immediately. But her brain stubbornly remained wide awake. She turned onto one side and then the other, then onto her front, but it was no use. From the sounds Christian was making on the other side of the bed, he was having the same difficulty.

  “Do you really want to see me in my bear form?” Christian’s voice came to her through the darkness.

  “Of course. It’s a big part of you, right?” He gave a chuckle that sounded more like a purr.

  “The best part, according to my bear.”

  “It seems kind of crazy that I’ve only seen your bear in your Shiftr profile so far.”

  “My bear’s keeping me awake, because it wants to go run. Running in the forest is the only way that it can release strong emotion. Do you want to come? I can carry you on my back.”

  “Will I like that?” He gave a deep, guttural laugh.

  “I’m pretty sure you will.”

  “Okay,” she said hesitantly.

  “It’s very quiet here, so I can shift in the room and we can sneak out. I need to strip first, so unless you want to see more than you bargained for, don’t switch the light on.”

  Jessica closed her eyes tight, but her ears were pricked up, alert to any sounds that he might make. She heard him taking his clothes off, the fabric sliding on his bare skin. There was a series of cracks and crunches, finishing with a particularly loud one. Then he gave a deep, vibrating purr. She opened her eyes. There was a huge black bear in the room. She picked up the rich, earthy scent of his fur, and saw
his teeth glistening in the darkness. She felt afraid. It was a deep, primal instinct that she had no control over. This animal was far higher up in the food chain than she was. But she forced herself to be brave. She crept out from under the covers, aware that she was in her night clothes. She considered getting dressed again, but decided against it. Riding on the back of a bear in her night clothes was no weirder than riding fully dressed.

  Christian walked toward the door of the room, placing his nose close to the lock. She lifted her hand to open it and brushed his muzzle, which felt surprisingly velvety. As soon as the door was open, he slipped out and she followed, leaving the door unlocked. The grass was damp beneath her bare feet as they walked to the edge of the motel grounds. Then, he dipped down low, and she knew that was her cue to climb on his back. She lifted her leg up high to clear his broad back, and as her bare thighs sank into his fur, she gave a groan of pleasure. His fur was so soft and luxuriant. It was so dense that she couldn’t even feel the heat of his body through it. He gave a soft call that she somehow identified as a sound of encouragement. Unsure what he was encouraging her to do exactly, she stayed motionless. He stood up and moved off and she figured it out – she lay down flat on his back, and laced her fingers into the dense fur at the nape of his neck. Now she could feel his muscles working beneath his pelt, as he moved at a fast yet steady walk into the forest.

  And then he began to run. At first, she tensed up, but, oddly, she soon relaxed, trusting him to carry her safely as he wove in and out of trees, leapt over fallen logs, dived and feinted toward little animals that were fleeing away from him in terror. It was a full moon, and the forest looked magical, the pure silver light filtering through the trees, down onto the forest floor. They crossed streams, sprays of water shooting up from his paws and splashing on her legs, and she shouted out in pleasure. She felt at one with nature, in a way she’d never experienced before.

  She had no idea how long they were out, but on their return, the clock in the motel room showed 1:37, almost two hours after they left. She went into the bathroom to give Christian some privacy to shift back, and when she came out again, he was pulling his t-shirt over his head.

  “That was unbelievable!” she exclaimed.

  “Really?” he asked, face lighting with a boyish grin.

  “Yeah. One of the best experiences of my life. It was so exhilarating, but so peaceful at the same time.”

  “Welcome to the life of a bear. Well, there’s also hunting and occasional fighting too. But most of the time it’s pretty chill.”

  “Do you feel better?’

  “Yes. I feel – grounded,” he said, and she saw that the lines of tension in his face had been smoothed away.

  When they climbed back into bed, without thinking, Jessica shuffled toward the middle of the bed. Christian did the same, and before they knew it, she was snuggled into the crook of his arm.

  “Mmm, this is comfy,” he murmured.

  “It is,” she said, which was only half the truth. It was also maddeningly arousing. She’d never been so aware of his scent. It was an outdoorsy smell – like woods, bracken, and breeze blowing through trees, but with an exciting musky undertone. She had the strongest urge to press her face into the hollow beneath his jaw, but she remained motionless. She could tell that she was wet, and knew that it would only take a single touch, on his thigh, or his underwear and they’d be together. But it couldn’t happen. It would make everything even more confusing than it was already. Instead, he held her, curled against her body, while she listened to his strong, steady heartbeat until they both fell asleep.

  Chapter Eight

  Jessica could tell it was late before she even opened her eyes. The display on the old-fashioned digital clock said 10:13am. She turned over quickly. She was alone. There was a piece of motel notepaper on Christian’s pillow. Rubbing her eyes, she unfolded it and read it:

  Jess,

  You were sleeping so sweetly that I didn’t want to wake you. I can never thank you enough for coming to see me at Wynter Hollow. It meant so much to me, and I’ll never forget it.

  I know that I need to give you some time to think about my proposition, so I’ll not bother you any more.

  Your best friend always,

  Christian xox

  She folded the note up again and got out of bed. She missed him already. As she showered and got dressed, she longed to feel his arms around her again, to be kept safe and protected by him. But she was no closer to a decision. Because, whenever she thought about Lucas not being in her life, she also felt like her heart was being torn in two.

  Two hours later she was at the airport, lining up at the gate. Before the plane took off, she messaged Lucas. She said that she was flying back to Hope Valley, and that she hoped he was okay, and that he could understand how confused she was by her feelings for them both. She wanted to write more, but there was nothing she could say until she’d figured out what to do. The plane swept over a vast desert, dazzling in the blazing sunshine, and she tried her hardest not to think about anything, to empty her brain of all thoughts and give her mind some calm.

  As she walked out of the airport, blinking in bright sunlight, a tall, dark figure hurried toward her, and before she could see his face clearly, he’d picked her up and swept her into his arms. She gave a squeak of surprise as he hoisted her up, wrapping his arms around her thighs, and she found herself looking down into Lucas’ sexy gray-blue eyes.

  “I’m not letting you go, Jessica Schmidt,” he said. “All these years, I’ve tried to be the perfect gentleman, and do everything I can to hide my feelings from you, so I don’t jeopardize the friendship between the three of us. But now I realize that I was wrong. I should have told you how I felt. I love you and I’m not losing you to Christian.” His usually calm expression became fierce and hungry, and for the first time, she could really see the bear inside him.

  “I’ll fight him. He overstepped the mark by kissing you, and now all bets are off. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you, Jessica. You’re my mate, my perfect match. I’ll never find anyone who compares to you. All I want is to spend every day of my life with you, loving and protecting you.”

  “B-but,” she stammered as he allowed her to slide to the ground. “Lucas, as I told you earlier, I have feelings for both of you.” His eyes blazed, and she registered that she’d never seen him look so serious before. There was something so sexy, so deeply arousing in his expression.

  “You’ve got to choose between us, Jess,” he said simply. She stared at him in horror, her stomach contracting as the realization dawned on her. It was true. She had come to the point of no return. She’d fallen in love with both men, which meant that she had to choose one of them. They were adults now, and they couldn’t continue to live as they did when they were teenagers, their sexual inexperience protecting them from the glaring truth. She had to pick one man to be her mate, and the other would probably disappear from their lives. Her choice was going to tear them apart. She was going to be solely responsible for ruining the deep bond of their friendship. And for breaking the heart of one of her best friends.

  “I don’t know how I can do that, Lucas,” she said, her voice breaking with emotion and tears springing to her eyes. People were staring at them: a huge, sexy man and a chubby girl in glasses, locked in an intense conversation in the middle of an airport. But she barely noticed.

  He swept down to her level.

  “Choose me, Jess. We’ve always had the deepest connection. You could never talk to Christian about some of the things we shared as teens.” And then his mouth was on hers, hot and hungry and demanding. Against her will, her body responded, her nipples hardening beneath the lace of her bra. Using all of her willpower, she tore her mouth away from his. She couldn’t do this. She was already well aware that she wanted them both, that her body was crying out for each of them to enfold her in their arms. The last thing she needed was any more examples.

  “I need to be alone for a while. I ne
ed time to think. If you speak to Christian, you’ll understand why.” She turned on her heel and strode toward the parking lot.

  “But, Jessica –” In two strides, he’d overtaken her and was standing directly in front of her, hands wrapping around her body. With a cry of frustration, she pushed at his chest with both hands. He didn’t budge an inch. “Lucas, just leave me alone! Can’t you understand that you’re making things worse?” Her voice was very loud and shrill now, and she was crying so much that she could barely see. His pupils constricted in shock and his hands dropped from her waist.

  “I’m sorry,” he said humbly. “Please forgive me. It’s my bear; it takes over sometimes. And it doesn’t understand things like choices. It wants you to be my mate, and that’s it. I can see that you’re under a lot of pressure. Please take all the time you need. The last thing I want to do is rush you into making the wrong decision.”

  She nodded, too emotional to speak, and ran from him with the relief of having been released. She sat in her car for a long time, until she saw Lucas’ truck pulling out of the lot. Then she darted back inside, grabbed a cola from a vending machine, and drank the entire can back in her car. The caffeine and sweetness revived her, relaxing her enough that she was capable of driving home.

  She snuck back into the house, glad that there was no-one around to see her. Tamika and Kyle had gone away for the weekend with the kids and she had a quiet Friday evening ahead of her – just what she wanted. She thought she’d fall apart again if anyone spoke to her right now. Running up the stairs and into her room, she flung herself onto her bed and pushed her hot face into her cool pillow, like she used to when she was a teenager. The last time she’d done that was during those terrible months after the guys disappeared, she recalled. Crying into her pillow all the time, feeling totally alone and bereft.

  And now she had the opposite problem – they’d both come back to her, and both wanted to be with her. Forever.