The Snowmaiden, A Bride for Krampus

by Jeanette Lynn

  I’d be making him pay for any therapy I might need after this, after he forked over the cash for a cabin remodel. We sat on those sofas as kids! If Mom were here she’d be included in my frowny faced kink shaming, but there was no use reprimanding the dead.

  After dragging the untouched chair Mom had used to read to us in the tiny reading nook off from the electric heater, dragging the cloths tied to it off, it was the only piece of furniture in this joint I was willing to trust. I supposed it worked in my favor I’d brought my own bedding for this holiday excursion. All I needed now was supplies.

  Redressing, two layers of thick socks, a clean hoodie and mostly dry boots and winter coat on, I was headed back out the door.

  Building my mental grocery list, I’d just pulled into the local Stop N Shop when my phone chimed. Glancing at the text, I read aloud, “Thanks for understanding, sweetie. Merry Christmas! Sent you a little something! Dad.” Checking my account on the app on my phone, I blinked, checked the amount, then blinked and checked it again. My mood soured even more than it possibly could. I’d been right. This was goodbye. And he was bribing me like some dirty little secret keeper or soon to be forgotten mistress to stay gone. The terms were left unsaid.

  I had a niggling feeling he’d keep a tidy sum coming my way every jolly holiday if it meant I kept gone.

  “God, I hate you,” I muttered. Stuffing my phone back into my pocket, I blinked away the moisture welling in my eyes. I wasn’t sure who I was saying it more to, myself or him, because if this is what he wanted, fine, whatever, he could go screw himself.

  I hated this holiday, hated every damned thing about it. Why was I trying to put on a brave face still? Why try and keep calm and cool and collected? My dad had just basically bought me off with an X-mas bribe and a BDSM cabin. What was anything to having family that actually gave a shit about you?

  I supposed I didn’t really have that, hadn’t for a while, but now I had an out on the most depressing time of the year and I could go about my merry ignoring business.

  Getting out of the car, slamming the car door shut a little too hard, I was in such a foul mood I was practically snarling.

  Two idiots dressed like holiday rejects, one short guy with stupid elf ears and the other sporting enormous, lifelike looking reindeer antlers, bumped me as I stomped past. “Jesus fucking- Watch where you’re going, would ya!”

  “Oh. Apologies, Miss…” the shorter male trailed off, gaping at the look on my face as I glared at him.

  It wasn’t his fault. It was an accident. I supposed I should be kinder. I wasn’t in a kind mood.

  Muttering a, “Whatever,” under my breath, I strode inside the automatic double doors.

  “She didn’t use the right door,” I heard one of them whisper to the other as I strode right down the middle of both, even though the exit and entrance sides were clearly marked.

  “That’s not a bad thing, Bels. Maybe she can’t read,” tall guy offered.

  “She used her big voice with us,” short guy, Bels, argued, his voice fading as a noise over the doors chimed and the fan, a bit slow to kick on, started up.

  Bunch of weirdos, I thought, grabbing a cart to start down the first aisle.

  ∞∞∞

  A few aisles and a half full cart later, I could hear them, Creep 1 and Creep 2, not so far behind me. It occurred to me they might be following me, but they were so inept at trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, stumbling over each other and knocking things off shelves, arguing amongst each other about I had no clue what—it sounded crazy, to be honest. The bumble brains were prattling on about naughty or nice and I wasn’t even sure—they sure didn’t want to deal with my naughty side. I had a Taser they could kiss and a conceal carry permit I took full use of if they really wanted to tangle. In a mood to be fucked with, I was not.

  Reaching the alcohol aisle, I wasn’t a drinker, not really my thing, yet I grabbed a few of the Bigfoot themed wines because the bottles made me chuckle. Fuck it, why not? I wanted the bottles, they were cute, and I was in possession of some Christmas bribery money to burn. Reaching the area with all the lube and condoms, thinking of all the bottles of extra thick or flavored lubes, condoms, edible underwear, and the whip—I wasn’t even going to think of the whip again—ever—I’d come across and then promptly chucked into the bin, I was definitely going to be looking into that therapy.

  Even now I got a case of the creeps run-walking down the aisle.

  I was being stupid, I supposed, but I was allowed some time to freak out and then process. I’d castigate myself and pull up them adulting britches if I was still doing this, come New Year’s. Surely, that was enough time to pull myself up by my boot straps.

  Spotting that familiar, dorky cap with the bell on it as the odd couple came into view once more, wondering which one of them needed the heavy duty tampons they were pretending to study so intently, when a store employee came upon us, glancing between me and my unwanted companions, and asked if I needed anything. “They’re following me,” I called out loudly, then glanced over my shoulder to give them a big wave.

  Creepster friends gaped, mouths dropping open, and pointed at one another questioningly.

  Louder, I called, “I planned to call the fashion police, but local will do.”

  “Fashion police?” Elf guy echoed.

  “They have that here?” Tall and tampon box holding blurted.

  “For a pair of bumbling fools dressed up as… Rudolph and Santa’s widdle helper?” I added snidely, because I wasn’t nice right now, and they were certainly on my shit list with everyone else—I was not to be trifled with this shitty Merry Bullshit’s eve. “Yeah, definitely.”

  “She can see us…” Tall guy sounded shaken.

  “Told you she was the one,” short guy told him in a loud whisper.

  Glancing to the store clerk, who was talking quietly but rapidly into their phone to then leave their phone on, dropping it to hold it out at their side, the call still rolling, I met their wide eyes with a funny look of my own. “Police?” I mouthed, to their subtle nod.

  I made a motion with my hand near my head, mouthing, “They’re crazy. Good call.”

  “Of course, ma’am, I’ll… escort you to the register,” store clerk blurted, slowly walking backwards, never taking their eyes off of the pair, to guide me towards the front.

  Leaving Rudolph and Santa’s Helper to their quiet squabbling, their attention otherwise diverted for the moment, the police showed up right as the clerk had finished ringing me up, the manager pretending to idly chat with the cashier, Sam, beside me. The manager Rex’s towering, thick form must have made the creeps feel ill at ease, forcing them to back off, yet they still remained near. They were peeking around a display case at me, pretending to admire an assortment of fast acting laxatives, when the police arrived.

  Sheriff deputies, I corrected, with one look at their uniform. Not that it mattered. Either way, the cavalry had arrived and they’d hold them long enough I could make my escape.

  Were these freaks locals or just passing through looking for a victim? They had serial creepos written all over them.

  Maybe I would be selling that little cabin, if this was what I’d be dealing with…

  Bags full of groceries, a personal escort out the door and safely to my car, I jumped as the short one shot forward and made to lunge towards us, shouting, “You don’t understand! You can’t let her go! We may need her! She’s naughty!”

  “She’s not that naughty,” the other noted mildly, a contemplative look about him. “Look, Bels, we’ve frightened the poor doe in our observance of her.”

  “It’s her!” this Bels howled. “Don’t let her get away!” Fighting the restraints he soon found himself in, he gritted his teeth as his shoulder was wrenched back.

  “Sir,” the deputy kept trying to talk to him but he wasn’t having it.

  “She SEES us!” he bellowed. “It’s a crime against nature! It’s impossible!”

  “
Uh...” The deputy beside them blinked, frowning, and stared.

  “No! I’ll prove it! What do I look like? Tell me? What am I wearing?” Bels insisted. “What does my proof of identity state? Hm?”

  “They’re looking at you funny, Bels,” Tall guy called over a heavy throat clearing.

  “Mr… Darryl Dimpleton,” the deputy read aloud, then glanced at Bels.

  “And what of my attire?!” Bels’ eyes were a strange silvery green as they bulged.

  I’d seen enough. Thanking the deputy, I got one last look at Darryl Dimpleton, Bels, whatever, and his tall friend and entreated quietly, “You’ll get them the help they need?”

  “Bringin’ ‘em down to the station, call the local doc in to have a look at ‘em,” he replied casually.

  “Thank you.” Offering him a smile I didn’t feel, I added before he could wish me some form of happy holiday, “Have a nice night.”

  “You, too, ma’am. We’ll be calling you if we need anything else.” He waved the paper with my information on it.

  “Of course.” My head bobbed in a nod. Opening my car door, I slid into the seat.

  Wanting to wait and sit there with the car idling, heater warming my chilled to the bone carcass up, until they had the pair in the back of their car and were driving away with them, I had no real reason to linger.

  Pulling out of the tiny parking lot, I spared the group freezing their butts off outside one last look before I made the turn that would take me out of here.

  I supposed, in a way, that was the most fun, insane as that sounded, I’d had in a long time.

  Laughing, shaking my head, I made the turn.

  I got off on thwarting would be kidnappers now? Where was the sense of fear for my safety? Should I not be panicking? It was just one happening after another. Perhaps I was in shock from it all, numb from the first we don’t want you here, past the sex couches and butt plugs, and straight up into horror flashbacks of lube-tossed-out past while the store creeps clumsily followed after me.

  Turning the Christmas tunes I’d abandoned earlier back on, I made it all the way down the long, empty stretch of road I’d be readying to turn on any minute now, when I cracked.

  It started with a tiny giggle of a laugh and grew from there. Before I knew it, I was cackling my ass off, swiping at my eyes desperately as tears streamed down my cheeks.

  At that point, I couldn’t tell if I was laugh-crying, or cry-laughing. My emotions were scrambled, one giant, jumbled up mess.

  Once I’d safely returned to the cabin, I put my groceries away, dumping my Bigfoot wine to clean out the bottles and fill them with the discounted Halloween colored lights I’d nabbed at the store, and set them on the small windowsill over the sink.

  Another giggle left me, eyeing the winter wonderland of snow covered sex furniture. Everything felt funny to me in this moment.

  Grabbing a piece of chocolate cake, a big glass of almond milk, and a few pieces of ready to eat oven roasted chicken breast, I sat down in Mom’s reading nook chair, laptop set up on the TV tray and the first DVD set and ready to go. I’d opted for a slew of horror movies, to go with my current mood.

  Huddling in my This is boo sheet throw, tiny little ghosts littering the purple material protesting along with the funny saying strewn throughout agreeing with me on this, I took my first bite of chicken and hit play.

  “And so it begins,” I whispered, as my night of Christmas-y horror began.

  Chapter 6

  Bels & Ded

  “If you hadn’t started screaming like that, we could have given them the slip much earlier,” Bels grumbled.

  Rubbing his hands over his person protectively, Ded muttered defensively, “She was touching me everywhere.” Lower, he added, “She told me I had to take off my clothes.” A shudder that had a hint of a shiver to it wracked his tall frame.

  Bels dutifully ignored the look that came over his friend’s face, like Ded was recalling the prompt from the law officer and the Elkfen might have actually enjoyed their rough handlings.

  “Your shift was brilliant,” Bels thought to compliment. “I wouldn't have thought of that.”

  “Would have been better if you’d made us invisible right off,” Ded muttered petulantly. “Would have saved me the trouble of running around with clothes tatters stuck to me. It’s hard to get about shifted and tangled in garments like that.” The large male’s fur lifted like it was standing on end, chills erupting across his thick hide.

  “You know it doesn’t work like that,” Bels said on a huff. Brushing the last of the tinsel from his person, sat huddled where they hunkered down to study their quarry, he rolled his eyes. “It’s for emergencies only, and it only works for so long.”

  “Long enough,” Ded mumbled under his breath. Watching the woman coming into view, putting up bottles with little purple and orange lights in them up on the sill, that wasn’t very Christmas-like, not at all. But did that make her naughty?

  “See.” Bels lifted a finger and pointed. “She imbibes! Evidence!”

  “A lot of people do on the holidays, do they not?” Ded shook his head, his antlers rattling the branches over his head. “She didn’t endanger others by driving while imbibing. She’s alone, by herself.” Scowling as he thought it over, he observed, “Did she not seem sad to you, do you think? Troubled? Is she not in need of a miracle, not a... a…” He still couldn’t say it.

  “It’s a miracle,” if it works, Bels silently tacked on, “and she’d be a part of it.”

  “Why could she see through our glamour but the others couldn’t?” Ded’s brow crinkled, his fur puffing as it wrinkled.

  Bels needed to get Ded in on this, and fast. They truly only had so much time. He had no idea it would be this hard to convince the dull witted male, long as they’d been friends and much as he valued him as an acquaintance he’d come to tolerate and readily available asset, though Ded was more a friend to Shnikel than him, he just needed something, an ‘in’.

  And then it hit the Elf, like an avalanche of snow over his head. “It’s because, like I said, she’s the… uh, she’s not a potential Snowmaiden, she’s the Snowmaiden! Like the prophecy!” he quietly exclaimed, right as a clump of snow dumped on him from Ded’s antler rustling. “Ack! Argh!”

  “Prophecy? What prophecy?” Ded’s face screwed up. He knew he wasn’t the brightest of his herd, but he’d paid attention during tales tellings. What was this specifically prophesized female?

  “It’s from Elf lore, you wouldn’t know it. No need when you really only leave Hinter for The Flight, if you’re lucky,” Bels bluffed.

  “Your scent is stronger,” Ded commented, once more frowning as his gaze darted from the house to the Elf. Hinter Elves were inherently good, he’d grown up being told, but Bels wasn’t always as good as he should be…

  “I’m nervous,” Bels told him, and he wasn’t lying.

  Ded waffled. “You’re sure it’s her? She’s the one?” His hooves moved silently as he shifted in the thick snow.

  “Did you see anyone else that could see through our glamour?” Bels’ eyebrows shot up.

  “Well… no.” Ded’s brow wrinkled mightily, thick folds of skin bunching on his forehead as it pinched.

  Bels clapped his hands together and began to rub them vigorously. “Good. Perfect. It’s settled then. She’s the one.”

  “What do we do now?” Ded asked, eyeing the funny looking bench a few feet off from the sofa blocking them from view. Who put their furniture outside like that? Was this a strange human custom? Why had others not done so as she with the plushy furniture? Perhaps this was his sign she was different from the rest, a hint at her being the one.

  He’d liked the way she’d smelled, the bright blue of her hair with the dark colored strands beneath the pop of color sprouting from her head. It was very festive, and he’d yet to see it on anyone else they’d encountered. Maybe that was another sign? “What do you suppose that thing is for?” Ded asked, cocking his head to stud
y the odd contraption covered in plastic they’d unearthed.

  “You don’t know what it is?” Bels asked with a hint of amusement.

  “Of course I don’t. Why would I inquire if I did?”

  “I have heard of them, though this is my first sighting.” Bels was not about to admit this was also his first venture into the human world and he was as confused as Ded at first as to the use of the item, but after studying it, he’d figured it out. Bels was super smart like that. “It is absent of its outing house, but clearly that is a pooping stool.”

  “A pooping stool,” Ded murmured, then glanced to the house again to eye the faint light coming from it. He marveled at the idea of a stool to assist in such a natural chore.

  “What else would the round hole be for and grips to assure you do not slip? A place to assume optimum relieving position and rest your head as you labor to expel waste at your leisure.”

  “Ooooh,” Ded mumbled, though he still had questions. Many questions. “But do they not sit upright as they… uhm, expel?” Ded felt scandalized speaking of such things. It felt forbidden, naughty. He never would have amongst his herd. In his current form he preferred to squat. Did they not have a squatting stool? Or was human anatomy so different it required this strange contraption to avoid a blockage of some kind. So strange… Humans fascinated him so much. Ded wanted to know more. The strange woman in the house, The Snowmaiden, especially, had funny thoughts racing through his Elkfen brain. Shaking them off as a funny idea popped into his head, his skin flushed beneath his fur at the strange tingling in his groin. He certainly hadn’t felt anything like that for a doe of his own kind. His hooves shuffled in the snow as he shifted from hoof to hoof. Swallowing past the saliva filling his mouth at the memory of the way she smelled, like raspberry licorice ropes with the sweet cream filling inside them and the snow she’d been tromping through. And when she’d been startled… there was a spiciness to her aroma. A funny noise filled his chest, causing Bels to glance at him suddenly with wide eyes.