The Light Through the Leaves

by Vanderah, Glendy

  “He planned it out.”

  “Why is that so bad?”

  “Because it shows he’s kind of nuts about you.”

  “Would I want to be with a boy who isn’t nuts about me?” She thought of Jackie. Of all the boys she knew, he was the one she’d wanted to give her a first kiss, but he certainly wasn’t nuts about her.

  “Just go slow, okay?” Reece said.

  “Okay.”

  He held up his hand. “Still friends, Bird Girl?”

  “Of course.” She slapped his hand.

  Reece’s speech had the opposite effect from what he’d wanted. She now trusted Chris more. The next time they went out after school, he took her to an abandoned house he thought was cool. They made out a lot in there. She let him touch her under her shirt.

  Spring break came, and they had to stop seeing each other for a week. Raven missed the excitement of going out with Chris. Her life with Mama felt dull in comparison. She would replay her best moments with Chris, but for some reason that often made her think about Jackie. It bothered her a little that she couldn’t stop her thoughts about Jackie from intruding into those reveries.

  The following Monday at lunch, Chris whispered, “I missed you.”

  “Me too,” she said.

  “Did your mom say anything about the videos over spring break?”

  “No.”

  “She must not look at the cameras.”

  Raven had come to the same conclusion. The five times she’d been with Chris after school, the videos would have shown that she didn’t take the bus home. But Mama hadn’t said anything, even those times she was home when Raven arrived later than usual.

  “Let’s go out today,” Chris said.

  “Okay.”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  She noticed Jackie staring at her from across the lunch table. “I liked the old house,” she whispered.

  “Yeah?”

  “I liked it a lot.”

  They returned to the abandoned house after school. The afternoon was cool and rainy. Chris spread the blanket on the wood floor, and they used his sweatshirt and coat for a pillow. He lay on top of her as he kissed her. He put his hand in her shirt and pushed his pelvis down on her. She knew he wanted to have sex. And the more he touched her, the more she wanted to. But sex education made her think she shouldn’t. She might make a baby or get AIDS.

  That day, she got home later than ever. Mama was waiting for her. She smiled in a strange way as Raven came in the door. Raven’s heart beat fast. She knew that look. It meant her mother was about to do something she probably wouldn’t like.

  “Good day at school?” Mama asked.

  “Yes.”

  “How is biology going?”

  “Good,” Raven said, hanging her coat on the peg.

  “Is it mostly human biology right now?”

  “No. We’re doing dissections.”

  “Have you learned about reproductive isolation yet?”

  Raven couldn’t recall learning that phrase.

  “It means unlike species can’t produce offspring,” Mama said. “For example, a dog can’t make babies with a cat.”

  “I don’t think we learned about that yet.”

  Mama nodded and turned back to something she had cooking on the stove.

  During dinner, they didn’t talk much. Raven was nervous. Mama stared at her more than usual. Maybe she was perceptive enough to feel what Raven had been doing in the abandoned house. Maybe she could even smell Chris on her.

  When Raven got up to clear the dishes, Mama said, “Sit, Daughter.”

  She sat.

  “Do you like this boy?”

  Raven tried to keep her panic from showing. “What boy?”

  Mama had a wry smile. “The boy who drove you home today and five other days.”

  Raven didn’t know what to say. Her mother’s casualness confused her.

  “What is his name?”

  “Chris. Chris Williams.”

  “Are you having sex with him?”

  “No!”

  “Have you kissed him?”

  She wanted to cry. Talking about it with Mama would ruin it.

  “I suppose you have,” Mama said.

  Raven looked down at her empty plate.

  “I’m not angry,” Mama said. “It’s a natural part of growing up. Raven or human, the urge to create new life will be an undeniable force.”

  “That’s not why I’m with him.”

  “It is, but social conventions make you say otherwise. In the time when humans were one with other creatures of the earth, a girl your age would already have a baby. She would likely become pregnant shortly after she bled.”

  “I’m not going to get pregnant,” Raven said.

  “I know,” Mama said. “That’s why we’re having this discussion. I want you to feel relaxed with this boy. Have sex with him if you wish. Your body can’t make a baby with him.”

  Raven was too shocked to respond.

  “Reproductive isolation,” Mama said. “You and Chris are two unlike species. There can be no baby.”

  “I bleed every month.”

  “That doesn’t matter. His sperm can’t impregnate the daughter of an earth spirit. It’s impossible. Look it up in biology books.”

  Look it up in biology books? What would she find about earth spirits having sex with humans in a biology text?

  “It’s a very natural urge for your age,” Mama said. “Don’t let this repressive society ruin your joy.”

  “Are you sure?” Raven asked.

  “I’m sure,” Mama said. “And it’s too bad. I’d love to have another baby in the house. I’ve been asking for one for many years.”

  “You’ve asked for another baby?”

  She nodded. “I suppose one was miracle enough for the spirits.” She leaned across the table. “But you should ask, Daughter. I’d think your request would be granted. I’d like you to perform an Asking right away. Tonight.”

  “You want me to ask for a baby?”

  “Yes, tonight and every day. Until we receive a child.”

  “I’m in school. How can I have a baby?”

  “I’ll take care of the baby.” She stood. “Go and do the Asking. I’ll clean the dishes.”

  “I have homework.”

  “The homework can wait a little while.”

  Mama brought her coat. Raven put on her boots.

  Before she walked out the door, Mama said, “You may go with Chris Williams as much as you like. I won’t interfere. I want you to explore the natural pleasures of your human side.”

  4

  Raven didn’t ask for a baby. She didn’t want one, and Mama had said she should want something with all her heart and soul when she did an Asking. If Mama felt that way, she could ask for a baby all she wanted.

  During her walk in the forest, she pondered why Mama would suddenly allow her to date a boy when she’d been so against her friendships years ago. And she wondered about reproductive isolation. It was all very strange.

  Strange but good. Why question the freedom that was now hers for the taking?

  The next day, Raven told Chris her mother knew about their relationship. She told him she was okay with it, and they could be together as much as they liked. Chris said to celebrate, they should go on a real date. On Friday night, they went out for dinner and a movie.

  Mama was curious about the date when she arrived home. Again, she asked if she and Chris had sex. Raven replied that she had not. She tried not to be angry about Mama’s prying. She reminded herself that Mama was very different from other people. Her fascination with Raven’s attraction to Chris must come from her deep connection to the earth’s natural cycles of reproduction.

  On Monday, Chris asked Raven over to his house to do their homework. Both his parents worked, and his older brother was in college, which meant they had the place to themselves.

  He showed her around his house, which was small and neat. Then he took he
r hand and led her to his bedroom. The room was similar to Jackie’s and Huck’s but with more sports posters and trophies. Raven sat at his desk to do math problems while he rested on the bed to read an English book he had to finish.

  Raven had hardly started when Chris got up, closed the door, and locked it. “Get over here, beautiful,” he said, pulling her to the bed.

  They kissed and tussled. Raven liked tickling and play fighting with him almost as much as kissing. It reminded her of her summer with the boys. He always let her win their mock battles. Raven sat up on top of him and looked down at his face. He liked when she did that.

  “Remember that first day we met?” he said. “We were playing softball, and your bird flew down and landed on your shoulder. I had no idea what was going on. I thought you were some kind of magic girl.”

  She smiled and traced her finger around his navel.

  “Reece used to call you Cinderella, but to me you were more like the witches and wizards in stories. I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d turned into a bird and flown into the forest with that bird you raised.”

  He had seen her true being—her raven spirit. She was afraid to respond.

  Abruptly but gently, he laid her down on the bed. Leaning over her, he said, “I’m in love with you, Magic Girl. Do you know that?”

  In love. Those were big words. She knew that from the books she’d read. Those words and what he’d said about her being a bird had her unable to speak.

  “I want to make love to you,” he said. “Really make love.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes. If you’re ready.”

  Was she ready? One part of her wanted to; another didn’t. It must be her human and spirit sides in conflict.

  “Not to ruin the moment, but I have condoms,” he said.

  He seemed to interpret her silence as willingness. He lifted off her shirt. He’d never done that before. She liked the way he stared at her chest and pink lace bra. She had ordered the bra and matching panties with him in mind. Mama had let her buy pretty underwear after she found out Raven had a boyfriend.

  He put his hands and lips on her chest. “Raven, I want you. You’re so beautiful.”

  His voice and eyes were different. What a strange power her body had over him. Or was it her spirit side?

  He unfastened her jeans and slid them down. He touched her in places he never had before. She touched him, too. She did want to make love.

  And yet, half of her remained infuriatingly detached. Like a raven perched on a distant branch. It couldn’t feel what she did.

  Chris stopped touching her. He leaned over and looked into her eyes. “Are you okay?”

  She wasn’t okay. She didn’t know why, but she wanted to fly away. She wished she could. Just lift away from that bed and disappear into the sky.

  “Are you afraid?” he asked.

  “Yes.” She was afraid. But of what she wasn’t sure.

  “Afraid it will hurt?” he asked. “I’ll go slow.”

  The urge to fly away grew stronger. What was her spirit side trying to tell her?

  She slid out from under him and put on her shirt.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “I think I pressured you.”

  “It’s okay.”

  He handed her jeans to her and put on his shirt.

  “Do you still want to do homework?” he asked.

  “I’m not in the mood. Would you take me home?”

  “Sure.”

  He had driven about halfway to her house when he asked, “Is everything okay with us?”

  “Yes. I just wasn’t ready.”

  “Some people are all fired up to do it at thirteen. Some wait till they’re out of high school. It’s all good.” He looked at her, smiling. “But I can tell you’ll want to do it soon.”

  He seemed to speak from experience. Both Jackie and Reece had said that about him.

  “Have you done it before?” she asked.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “A lot?”

  “Come on. You’re not supposed to ask that.”

  She wondered why.

  He parked in the usual place, away from the driveway cameras. They kissed, and everything felt all right again.

  He said, “This may not be the right time to ask, but do you want to go to prom with me?”

  Senior prom was a big deal at school. Of course he would ask her. He’d said he was in love with her.

  “That sounds fun,” she said.

  “Are you sure your mother will let you? We’ll be out all night. And you have to get a dress and everything.”

  “I think she will.”

  “Great. Let me know what color your dress is so I can match my tux.”

  “Okay,” she said, though she wasn’t certain what it all meant.

  Mama was in the house when she arrived.

  “Did you go out with Chris today?”

  “Yes,” Raven said. “He asked me to go to the senior prom.”

  “What was your answer?”

  “I said yes. But I need a dress.”

  “And shoes. We can find all that online.”

  “He said we’ll be out all night.”

  Mama smoothed her hair. “Of course you will, pretty girl. And I bet this won’t be your only prom. You’ll be asked every year.”

  The drastic change in Mama unsettled Raven. Or was it the thought of being out all night with a big group of teenagers? She usually felt exhausted from trying to fit in at the end of a school day, and that was only seven hours. How would her raven spirit handle a whole night? She thought of the way she’d felt in Chris’s bed, the urgent desire to fly away. She almost wished Mama had said she couldn’t go to the prom.

  5

  Raven lay awake for a long time thinking about what had happened with Chris and why she was uncertain about staying out all night with him. Her raven spirit must be making her feel afraid.

  She shouldn’t let it. She had the right to feel human with men. Mama said she should experience that joy.

  The next morning, she wore a sweater Chris liked. She couldn’t wait to tell him she’d ordered three prom dresses; she was going to see which one she liked best.

  The bus was quieter than usual. Jackie’s girlfriend, Sadie, got on, and she looked like she’d been crying. She went straight to Raven. “Have you heard?” she asked.

  Raven shook her head.

  “Jackie’s dad died in a car accident last night.”

  “Mr. Danner . . . died?”

  “Yes,” Sadie said, her voice breaking.

  She and some of the other girls started crying. They’d had Mr. Danner for gym class in elementary school as well. Raven wanted to cry with them. She wanted to cry for Jackie and Huck and their mother. But she couldn’t. Again, her raven side wouldn’t let her. It just sat on its branch apart from her sadness.

  Everyone at school was talking about Mr. Danner. Jackie and Huck weren’t there. The lunch group was quiet, even Reece, but some talked in quiet voices about the car accident. They said Mr. Danner was in a head-on collision after someone swerved into his lane on a highway. He was coming home from the grocery store.

  Chris was very quiet. He didn’t invite Raven over. She didn’t want to go anyway. Everything felt too sad.

  That evening, as the sun set, Raven walked to the fence on Hooper’s land, keeping her distance from the edge. She sat in the grass and stared at the lit windows of Jackie’s little yellow house. Finally, the raven let her cry. She cried until dark and walked home in moonlight.

  Jackie and Huck didn’t come back to school all week. Chris invited Raven to drive with him to the memorial service and funeral. They were having it on Saturday because so many people wanted to say goodbye to Mr. Danner.

  Chris had been to Jackie’s house, and he said that Jackie, Huck, and their mother were heartbroken. He used that word, heartbroken. It hurt Raven’s heart just to hear it. She did Askings on Wednesday, Thur
sday, and Friday, imploring the earth spirits to please heal the broken hearts of the three people she loved. She made the last Asking in front of the Madonna Wolfsbane, using only two materials, the strongest: stones and her hair. She asked the spirits to give Jackie the strength of her own spirit to help him heal. She asked Madonna, too, because she might understand Jackie’s world better than the spirits did.

  The memorial service in the church was so crowded that people stood in the aisles. The raven in Raven was nervous among all the people in the enclosed space. Chris and Reece took her to a seat near the front of the church. Jackie, Huck, and their mother were seated in front of them. After the minister spoke words for the people of his religion, many went to the microphone and told funny or sweet stories about Mr. Danner.

  Jackie cried a lot, and Raven asked the earth spirits to help him. Mama might have said she couldn’t do that in a church, because the followers of the Christian spirits were in opposition to the earth spirits. But Raven chose to believe that powerful beings were compassionate no matter who believed in them.

  Jackie and Huck were two of six pallbearers. Raven’s heart about stopped at the beauty of them in their dark suits and white gloves, carrying the casket.

  The minister said more words at the grave site. Mr. Danner, he said, was going to heaven. Raven wondered if people went to whatever afterlife they believed in. She and Mama would become earth spirits when they died. If Jackie went to heaven, would she see him again after they died? Did the spirits of heaven commune with those of Earth?

  Raven brought a wild bouquet to put on the grave. It was mostly evergreens and dried herbs and grasses because the weather was still cold. After the ceremony, Jackie came to her and said, “Thank you for the flowers. And for being here.”

  He looked different. His face was pale and purplish beneath the eyes. She keenly felt his pain, and she knew why. She had asked the earth spirits to give him part of her own spirit to help him heal. His heavy spirit was crushing her own, his grief too strong for the piece she had given him. She had to give more.

  She pressed her hand on his heart. “I give you more strength of my spirit,” she whispered.

  “What?” he said.

  “I love you, Jackie,” she said.

  When she stepped back, she felt a rush of darkness, like a storm that comes on suddenly. The teenagers who heard what she’d said to Jackie were frowning at her. Even Reece looked upset. Worst of all, Jackie was looking at her as if he didn’t know her.