The Light Through the Leaves

by Vanderah, Glendy

  “Raven told me something . . . ,” he said.

  Raven shook her head. Ms. Danner saw.

  “It’s private,” he said.

  “I understand,” she said. “I came up to say Raven should go home. I heard her crying . . . I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”

  “It’s okay,” Raven said.

  “Can I help in any way?” she asked.

  “No. Thank you,” Raven said.

  “Honey, I’m worried that your mother doesn’t know where you are in this storm. I really think you should go home.”

  “Okay,” Raven said.

  Ms. Danner took Raven in her arms. “We’re always here for you, Raven. Anything you need, please ask.”

  Raven hugged her, thought of that night long ago when she’d told her she wished she lived at her house. Saying it had made her feel terribly guilty, and she’d had to run away. In a way, she still felt like that same little girl running across Hooper’s field.

  Huck and Reece saw that Raven had been crying, curbing the expected jokes about what they’d been doing upstairs. They both hugged Raven goodbye. “Are you okay?” Reece whispered in her ear.

  “Yes.”

  “Liar, pants on fire,” he whispered, and she sniffed a stuffy-nosed laugh.

  Outside, the snow had accumulated to about six inches.

  “Don’t take me to the gate,” Raven told Jackie as he started the car.

  “Where will I take you?”

  “I’ll show you. Before the gate.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ll climb the fence. The alarms will wake her up if I walk down the driveway.”

  He looked at her, and she could tell he wanted her to explain about the alarms.

  “We’d better go. And make sure you turn around in the road—don’t go past my driveway.”

  He drove slowly on the one-lane road so Raven could look for a good place to climb the fence. She had him stop at a place where there wasn’t too much brush.

  “This will be a pretty long walk,” he said.

  “That’s okay.”

  He got out to say goodbye, and they kissed in a flutter of snow lit by the headlight beams.

  “When will I see you?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You can’t say that. I have no way to contact you. We have to make a plan now.”

  “I’m going to ask her if I can start seeing you. But I can’t predict what her answer will be.”

  “Let’s just say we’ll meet right here day after tomorrow. What’s a good time for you?”

  “I’ll tell her you want to take me out for dinner.”

  “I do want to take you out for dinner,” he said.

  “What time?”

  “Five thirty,” he said.

  “But don’t count on it.”

  He kissed her. “I’m going to count on it. Every minute. Let me give you a boost over the fence.”

  “I don’t need a boost.”

  “I was hoping to grab your butt.”

  “All right, I need a boost.”

  8

  Mama didn’t know she’d left the house.

  Raven was too keyed up to sleep. She lit a fire in the hearth and curled up with blankets and a pillow next to the dancing flames. Everything that had happened with Jackie played over and over in her thoughts. Was she really with him? Finally?

  She woke at dawn next to the cooled fire. Mama was standing in front of the big living room windows that looked out at a field outlined by two clusters of trees. The storm had cleared, and she was transfixed by the snow-cloaked landscape.

  Raven walked to her side. “I went out in the storm last night. It was so beautiful.”

  “I wish I was well enough to walk in snow all day as I used to,” she said.

  “I’ll walk with you, if you want.”

  “I don’t need help, Daughter,” she said. “But let’s walk after breakfast.”

  Walking in the snow and crisp air invigorated Mama. She almost seemed well. Raven decided to ask her about the date with Jackie while she was in a good mood.

  “Remember that boy who came onto our property?”

  “Yes, I remember Jack Danner, the one who drives you home from school most days.”

  She still reviewed the driveway videos.

  “May I go on a date with him tomorrow? He asked me to dinner.”

  “Dinner!” Mama said. “I’d thought you and he would be far beyond that by now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve been with him for months. I assumed you two were having sex.”

  “How could we be having sex? You’ve seen what time he drops me off. We come straight here from school.”

  “You haven’t had sex with him?”

  “No. This will be our first date. If you let me go.”

  “He was more polite than the other boy. Do you like him?”

  “I like him a lot.”

  “He lives down the road, doesn’t he?”

  “Yes.”

  “His mother was the one who interfered in your schooling.”

  “That was a long time ago. And she didn’t interfere. She only said I was smart and should go to school. Of course a schoolteacher is going to say that.”

  Mama paced silently. Raven was afraid the conversation about Jackie’s mother had ruined her chances.

  Mama stopped walking and faced her. Already she was short of breath. “Yes, go with him. But enough of the inane dining and dating rituals. Just let your creature side free and enjoy physical pleasure with him. That’s what he wants more than some silly dinner, too.”

  Raven snorted. “I bet you’re the only mother in my high school who tells her daughter to have sex rather than go on a date.”

  “You’re different, Raven. Human mating games won’t appeal to your wild raven side.”

  “That’s not true. Ravens engage in many rituals before they copulate. They do sky swooping together and dances and preening. They make those soft little sounds like love words. And I’ve seen males bring females gifts of food. That’s the equivalent of me going out to dinner with Jackie.”

  Mama burst into laughter that ended with coughing.

  “You have me, Daughter. I think this boy has very much captured your raven soul.”

  She was afraid to say how much he had. Mama might get jealous, as she had when she found out about her visits to Jackie and his house.

  “Go on your date, then,” Mama said. “And preen and dance and whatever you and your raven spirit like.”

  They began walking again.

  As Raven let herself get excited about her date the next day, she realized Mama’s peculiar endorsement of sex gave her an advantage to ask for something more.

  “If we do want to do it, we would need a place to go,” she said. “May I go to his house afterward if he invites me?”

  “Aha, you do want to sleep with him,” Mama said.

  “I might want to.”

  “Well, don’t bring him here.”

  “I know. What about his house?”

  “His mother would allow that?”

  “We could sneak.” She felt awful even saying that. But getting Mama’s permission to go to Jackie’s house was well worth the lying and guilt.

  Again, Mama laughed and coughed.

  “Yes?” Raven pushed.

  “Yes, go to his house.” Mama grinned at her. “You’ve always liked to sneak around. You have more than a little of the raven’s roguish spirit in you.”

  “When do I sneak?”

  “That summer when you were little. And with Chris Williams.” She looked into Raven’s eyes. “And last night.”

  She was afraid to say anything. And that made Mama laugh again. She hadn’t seen Mama this jovial for many weeks, even months.

  “Yes, I’ve figured it out,” Mama said. “I know you were gone for many hours last night. And now you ask for this date. You met him during the storm, didn’t you?”

  “I did.”<
br />
  “That must have been fun,” she said.

  Raven sensed envy in her tone. “It was.”

  Still chuckling, she patted Raven’s arm. “My dear Daughter of Raven, go and have your fun while you’re young. Your papa would want you to.”

  How easy it had been. Like how it had been with Jackie the night before. And what a relief that Mama was glad about it. Maybe her father’s spirit was influencing the situation. Her father, after all, had led her to Jackie. The raven had left one nestling jay alive and had given it to Mama to give to her. Baby had brought Raven to Jackie at the stream that day, and Raven had felt something deep inside from the moment she looked into Jackie’s hazel eyes. Perhaps a premonition.

  The next day, Raven met Jackie on the road at five thirty. He was as stunned as she had been when she told him Mama’s reaction.

  Raven had the best winter vacation of her life. She went to Jackie’s house on Christmas Day and opened presents. New Year’s Eve was a party at one of Huck’s friend’s houses. Raven had her first drinks that night, but Reece made her stop when she got too giggly. She didn’t mind. She knew he didn’t like drinking because his mother was an alcoholic. Jackie was tipsy, too, and they danced and joked around.

  When school started, everyone knew they were a couple and started inviting them out. They went to movies, parties, and restaurants. Mama gave her a credit card to pay for everything. There were jokes about “Rich Raven” and her credit card. Raven learned how to act like Jackie in those situations. She just teased them back.

  But shadowing the fun was a vast, creeping darkness. Mama was getting sicker. And she wouldn’t let Raven take care of her. “I don’t want you to see me like this,” she would say. “Go out with Jack. Seize the joy of youth.” Raven protested, but Mama would get angry and become sicker from being upset. Raven had to do what she wanted and leave.

  When Raven got home late on Valentine’s Day, she found Mama on the floor. She wasn’t in the spirit world; she was very sick. Raven wanted to call an ambulance, but Mama wouldn’t let her. She reminded her of her promise. So Raven sat by Mama’s bed for the rest of the night, watching every ragged breath. She didn’t go to school the next day. She missed another day the next week and two days at the end of February.

  One cold March morning, Mama woke her earlier than usual. She sat on her bed and caressed her face. “I love you, Daughter of Raven,” she said. “You are my miracle. You have been the best sixteen years of my life.”

  “I’m not sixteen yet,” Raven said sleepily.

  “You began as a beautiful dream long before you came to me. It’s been sixteen years and more.”

  “You’re feeling better today?”

  “Yes. Very well. Are you going out with Jack after school?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I want you to. Stay out and have fun. Now that I’m old, I see that I should have done that when I was your age. I was always too serious. I’m glad you have your father’s lively spirit and not mine.”

  “I have both. I love your spirit.”

  Tears grew like dewdrops in Mama’s pale eyes. She put her hand on Raven’s cheek. “You will have my spirit with you always, dear one. You need only look at the beauty of the earth, and I’ll be there.”

  Raven didn’t like the sound of that. She sat up and held Mama’s hands. “I need only look at you right here in front of me. You’re getting better. I know you are.”

  “I am,” she said. “I talked to the spirits. They will give me what I need. Now get up and go to school. And then have fun with Jack.”

  All day, Raven couldn’t stop thinking about Mama. After school, Jackie wanted to meet some of their friends at Bear’s. Raven went, because Mama said she should, but she only wanted to go home. While she drank her Coke at an outdoor table, a raven perched in a tree over the parking lot. It stayed there, calling and calling. A terrible, sickening gloom fell over her. She was afraid she might vomit.

  “I need to go home,” she whispered in Jackie’s ear.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I feel sick.”

  He led her to the car. “Those greasy fries got you probably,” he said as he pulled out of the lot.

  She could still hear the raven’s croaking call. She felt like she was in an eerie dream, as if remembering a nightmare from when she was very little.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I need to get home. Hurry.”

  She said goodbye but didn’t kiss him. She opened the gate and ran down the driveway. She unlocked the front door and turned off the alarms she’d triggered. If Mama hadn’t turned them off, she wasn’t home. Or she was too sick.

  Raven strode quickly through the house. Mama wasn’t there. A white piece of paper on the refrigerator caught her eye:

  Raven, Remember what we talked about this morning. I’ll be out for a while. You will see me soon. I love you. Mama

  She was so relieved she nearly cried. Mama had felt well enough to go out and do an Asking. She would be home soon.

  But twilight came, and Mama still wasn’t home. Fortunately, the temperature wasn’t dangerously cold. And Mama often came home late.

  But that was many months ago, when Mama was still healthy.

  By nine o’clock, Raven was certain something was wrong. She took a flashlight outside and searched around the house in widening circles. The temperature had dropped. If Mama was unconscious out there, she was in serious trouble. Raven walked for many hours before giving up and going home.

  Exhaustion put her to sleep quickly, but she slept only a few hours. She got up at dawn and began searching more carefully. She would miss school, but she didn’t care. Why had she thought school was so important when she was a little girl? Why had she spent all those days away from the person who mattered most? All she wanted was Mama. She would give up school if only she could find her alive. She would even give up Jackie if the spirits said she must to bring Mama back.

  But she saw no signs from spirits and no trace of Mama. She searched until dark and stumbled into the cabin weak with exhaustion and hunger. She had to force herself to eat before falling into bed.

  At dawn, she returned to her search. This time, she brought a sandwich to keep up her energy. She looked in all of Mama’s favorite places on their ninety acres, calling, “Mama! Mama! Mama!”

  Even when she didn’t say it aloud, her name was a constant supplication in her mind. Mama. Mama. Mama. I need you, Mama! Please come back!

  As the sun sank low, she searched near the stream and swimming hole for a second time. Mama loved that place. She carefully scoured the weeds and brambles. She waded into the stream and looked into thickets on either side. When she got to the junk pile, she searched it thoroughly, even inside the old Invicta. She doubted Mama had ever gone there—she would have seen it as a blight on the earth—but Raven was desperate. In two and a half days, she’d covered the entire property and found no sign of Mama.

  Darkness slowly swallowed her. Utterly spent, she plopped into the stream in front of the Wolfsbane. She looked up at the strange tower of objects, resenting that it was still there and Mama wasn’t.

  “You didn’t scare away the werewolf,” she said to the Madonna. “Mama made the boys and me safe. Mama killed the werewolf. You never did anything!”

  She dropped her head between her muddy knees and wept.

  There was no moon or stars to guide her, and she was too tired to go home. She didn’t want to be in the house without Mama anyway. Maybe she would lie down in the creek stones and let the spirits take her. That surely was what Mama had done. She had gone to the spirit world. That was why there was no trace of her on their land.

  Of course she had. Mama had a deep understanding of the earth few ever attained. She was powerful. She had brought a baby, body and all, out of the spirit world. And now she had finally discovered how to bring her body there.

  Raven thought of her last conversation with Mama.

  You are my miracle.
You have been the best sixteen years of my life.

  You will have my spirit with you always, dear one. You need only look at the beauty of the earth, and I’ll be there.

  She had been saying goodbye. Raven understood that now.

  When she’d said, “I talked to the spirits. They will give me what I need,” she meant she’d figured out how to go to their world. That was why she’d looked so bright and happy. Raven understood why she wanted to go. Living in her sick body in the human world had been agony for Mama. And she hated for Raven to see her like that.

  The note she’d left in the kitchen. Those were Mama’s last words for her: I’ll be out for a while. You will see me soon. I love you. Mama.

  Raven wondered what she’d meant. Why would she say she was coming back if it wasn’t true? She must have been certain she would return. Maybe she knew it would take some time to heal and find her way back. That was why she’d said she would be out for a while.

  Her heart pounded. Mama was coming back. That was why she hadn’t said goodbye, why she hadn’t left instructions for how to take care of the house without her.

  Raven stood, and her head swam with dizziness. She’d barely eaten during the relentless searching. The darkness would make navigating home difficult. One side of her wanted to lie down and become one with Mama’s world. Her other side, her human side, wanted Jackie.

  Her need for him rose up in her like the spirits of every hungry animal in that forest. His house was closer than hers, but getting there without stars or moon would be difficult. She would almost have to feel her way.

  She could do it. If she were blind, she would know how to find that sweet little house.

  By the time she arrived at the fence, she was bruised and scraped and covered in mud. She stopped on the Hooper side of the fence and looked to the guiding light of the house windows.

  What would she tell them? She couldn’t explain. Not even to Jackie.

  She ducked through the fence, staggered to the front door, and rang the bell. Ms. Danner answered. “Raven!” she said. “Come in!”

  Jackie and his mother stared at her.

  “What happened to you?” Jackie asked.

  “I got lost. I was walking and forgot to bring a flashlight. There’s no moon or stars tonight.”