The Light Through the Leaves

by Vanderah, Glendy

  “You kept it,” Jackie said. He was holding the black rock with the white R for Raven, the one he’d given to her when they were little.

  “Best gift ever,” she said.

  He smiled, watching her pull the comforter off the bed. “Why are you taking it off? That bed looked pretty comfy.”

  “I’ll show you how I liked to sleep when my mother lit a fire. Get a pillow.”

  They brought the blankets and pillows to the living room. She fashioned the duvet into a bed next to the fire. “My mother said I started curling up on the warm hearthstones like a puppy when I was a toddler. When I got older, I’d make a bed like this.”

  She put more wood on the fire and turned out the house lights.

  “Are you going to seduce me?” he asked.

  “Of course I am.”

  “Good.”

  They stretched out on the folded duvet and pulled a blanket over themselves. They lay on their sides facing the fire, Jackie curled around her from behind.

  “That was a great party,” he said. “I haven’t seen Reece that happy for a while.”

  “I know. It was like the old Reece again.”

  “He couldn’t wait to get out of school, but now that he has, he’s miserable. He hates his job, and he spends most of his free time taking care of his mother.”

  They watched the bark on one of the new logs catch fire.

  “It’s strange to be in your house,” he said.

  “It is for me, too.”

  “Do you have any idea when your mother will come back?”

  “No.”

  “Do you talk to her much?”

  “Not that often.” She turned around and kissed him to silence his questions.

  Being in a house without parental scrutiny was new for them. They had often made out in Jackie’s bedroom or in the woods behind his house, but they couldn’t explore each other as they wanted in those places. On Valentine’s Day, in Jackie’s car, they had talked about sex but decided they didn’t want their first time to be in a car. That night, Jackie had told her he’d never done it. He said she was the only girl he’d ever wanted to be with that way.

  The freedom of being alone changed everything. Jackie took off her shirt and pants. She took off his. They had only their underwear between them. She felt the soft duvet beneath her, his warm skin on hers, and the fire’s heat dancing around them.

  Jackie leaned over her, his dark hair falling onto his forehead. How beautiful he was, his hazel eyes flashing with reflected flames.

  “Do you want to?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Me too. But I have to go out to my car.”

  “To get a condom?”

  “There are still some in the glove box from Huck.”

  “You don’t need that.”

  He looked stunned. “You’re on birth control?”

  “My body can’t make a baby.”

  “Why not?”

  After a few seconds of thought, she said, “Because I was born different.”

  “Raven, I’m so sorry!”

  He truly was. She saw it in his eyes. She wished she could tell him the truth, that she might have a baby one day when she asked for one with all her heart and soul.

  “I don’t mind,” she said. “It’s no big deal.”

  She’d spoiled the mood. He now looked at her more with concern and sympathy than desire.

  “Does it change how you think of me?” she asked.

  He put his hand on her cheek, his gaze softened. “No. Not at all. I love you the same.”

  “It makes things a lot easier, doesn’t it?”

  “Definitely.”

  She sat up and slid off her bra.

  He refocused on the topic at hand. He guided her down and kissed her. “Who gets to be on top?” he asked.

  “Both of us,” she said.

  “Is that physically possible?”

  “You didn’t think we’d only do it once, did you?”

  10

  Mama was right about the creature joy of sex. It was like lapping icy water straight from a Montana mountain stream when she was thirsty. It was a kind of satiation in the most beautiful of ways.

  But making love with Jackie was much more than simple gratification. Because of what she felt for him. With Chris, her raven side had stood apart. With Jackie, she and her spiritual side were one. Her raven fully trusted Jackie’s gentle soul. And her human side, of course, loved him body and soul.

  They wished spring break would never end. They spent as much time together as they could. Ms. Danner knew Raven’s mother was away, but she didn’t know how many hours Jackie was in Raven’s home and walking the acreage with her. She wouldn’t have allowed it. She’d barely agreed to the unsupervised party for Reece.

  Sunday, the last day of vacation, was warm and sunny with a delicious taste of spring in the air. Jackie came over at noon after he did a few chores for his mother. They made a picnic lunch and headed for the stream. Jackie wanted to make love there, at the place where they had met.

  “You’re quite the romantic,” she said when he suggested it.

  “I am, but don’t tell anyone,” he said.

  When they arrived at the stream, Raven spread out a blanket. “This is exactly where I was standing when we first saw each other.”

  They ate lunch. They made love. They lay wrapped together watching clouds billow.

  “The anniversary of my dad’s accident is next week,” he said. “Maybe you could come over that day.”

  “Of course,” she said. “What would you like to do?”

  “We need to be with my mom. Huck will be at school, and I think three will feel less lonely than two. Will that be okay?”

  “Yes, of course.” She swept his hair off his forehead and kissed him there.

  “One year since I last talked to him. Sometimes it seems longer, sometimes like the accident just happened yesterday.”

  “Everyone loved him. He was a good man.”

  Jackie leaned over her, tears in his eyes. “Do you remember at the burial, what you said?”

  She remembered very well.

  “You put your hand on my heart and said something like, ‘I give you the strength of my spirit.’ You said you loved me.”

  “Were you upset?”

  “What? No! That was bullshit how everyone got angry with you! It made me realize how empty most of my relationships were. You were the only person other than my mom who ever made me feel better.”

  He looked as serious as she’d ever seen him. “I changed because of what you did. I broke up with Sadie because she kept bad-mouthing you. And I quit hanging out with anyone who treated you like that. I realized that day that you were the only girl I wanted to be with.”

  “You did?”

  “Didn’t you see how much more attention I gave you? But you were so different when you came back from Montana. I didn’t think I’d ever get to be with you.”

  “I didn’t either.”

  He took her in his arms. The creek murmured senselessly in its hurry. The wind rushed through the cedars. But she and Jackie held tight.

  She tried lifting his mood as they walked home. She kissed him. She stuck weeds in his hair and made him laugh. When the house came into view, she yelled, “Beat you to the stairs,” a game they’d played at his house when they were little.

  “No fair! I have the cooler,” he said as she sprinted ahead.

  She was carrying two blankets. It was an even race.

  She got to the back stairs first and ran in the house. “I won!”

  “You had a head start,” he said breathlessly.

  She tossed the blankets in the laundry room and took the cooler from him. She brought it into the kitchen, startled when a figure rose from a chair at the table. A white-haired, pale-skinned woman.

  Not Mama returned from the spirit world. It was Aunt Sondra.

  “Raven . . . ,” her aunt said. “I was worried. I found the gate open and th
e house unlocked.”

  Raven had been too preoccupied with Jackie to lock up.

  Aunt Sondra walked toward Jackie with her hand extended. “I’m Sondra Lind Young, Raven’s aunt.”

  “Jack Danner,” he said nervously as he shook her hand.

  “Nice to meet you, Jack,” she said.

  Jackie believed Raven’s mother was with her aunt in Chicago getting medical treatment. Sondra’s appearance without her mother could signal only one outcome to him, confirmed by his expression of sorrow.

  Her aunt said, “We need to talk, Raven.”

  Jackie looked at Raven. “Do you want me to leave?”

  “You probably should,” Aunt Sondra said.

  You probably should. That meant bad news. Her aunt was holding a large manila envelope. It was addressed to her aunt in Mama’s handwriting.

  “I want you to go,” Raven said to her aunt.

  “Raven . . .”

  “Go!” Tears burned like fire in her eyes, then dripped like ice down her cheeks.

  Jackie took her in his arms and held her against his chest.

  “How long has your mother been missing?” Aunt Sondra asked in a quiet voice.

  Raven cried into Jackie’s shirt.

  When Raven didn’t answer, her aunt said, “Jack, do you know?”

  “Raven told me she was with you. In Chicago.”

  Raven pulled away from Jackie. “She’s coming back! You’re too blind to understand!”

  Tears glossed her aunt’s eyes. “You know she isn’t. She sent me her last will and testament.”

  “I don’t care what she sent you,” Raven said. “She’s coming back!”

  “She told her lawyer to send this envelope to me on a certain date. I think she waited to have it sent—until she carried out what she wanted to do. But I was on a trip with my husband when it arrived. I didn’t find it until I returned home last night.”

  Jackie stared at Raven. Now he knew she’d been lying to him.

  But she hadn’t been. Not really. Mama was coming back.

  “Please tell me what happened,” Aunt Sondra said. “She’s my sister. I need to know.”

  Jackie took her arms and looked into her eyes. “Is that what happened the night you came to my house all wet and dirty? Did she die?”

  “No. I don’t know. I don’t know!” she cried.

  “You haven’t found her body?” Aunt Sondra said.

  “I looked. I looked everywhere. But I didn’t find her. That’s why I know she’s coming back. She wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye if she wasn’t coming back!”

  She felt her lunch rise up her throat. She ran to the bathroom, barely making it in time. Jackie wiped her face with a wet towel. “It’s okay,” he said. “Everything will be okay.”

  Jackie and her aunt helped her to the couch, sitting on either side of her. Her aunt said, “Raven, I’m so, so sorry. But please explain what happened. Do you think it was suicide?”

  “She didn’t kill herself,” Raven said. “She would never leave me that way.”

  “She was sick,” Jackie said. “Possibly something to do with her heart. Since last year. She made Raven promise she wouldn’t tell you or get a doctor.”

  Aunt Sondra clasped her hand on her forehead. “Audrey! Why? Why would you do that?”

  “You know why,” Raven said. She glanced at Jackie, afraid to say too much. “She was trying to work things out.”

  “With whom? Those damn earth sprites?”

  “Don’t call them that! She knew what she was doing!”

  “Raven—”

  “You can’t make me leave here! She wants me to wait for her!”

  Her aunt sighed. She opened the envelope and pulled out a handwritten letter. “I don’t know if she meant for you to see this, but I think you’d better read it.”

  Raven didn’t want to, but her aunt thrust it into her hand. Jackie got up and stood near the window to give her privacy.

  Sondra, Mama had written in unsteady script. In this envelope is my last will and testament, all documented by my attorney. I leave everything I own to my dear daughter, Raven. I want her to keep and stay in the house in Washington until she comes of age to live there alone. I know you will find a way to make this possible. If you can’t be her guardian until she turns eighteen, please find a trustworthy person to watch over her. This person will be paid from what Raven has inherited.

  She didn’t want to read more. Why was Mama saying these things? Maybe the letter was only a backup plan if she had trouble finding her way back from the spirit world.

  The next paragraph read, If Raven has children, they will inherit all that Raven owns. If she is currently pregnant, you will not try to take this child from her. I’m adamant about this, Sondra. Though she’s considered “underage” in this society, she is fully capable of raising a child in the ways she and I prefer to live. Here again, I know you and your attorneys will know how to get her and the child proper care and legal guardianship until she comes of age.

  If she is currently pregnant? Why would Mama say that when she was certain Raven’s body couldn’t make a baby?

  Raven suddenly understood. She had never confessed to Mama that she wasn’t asking for a baby as Mama had requested of her many months ago. She must have thought the earth spirits would give Raven a baby soon, and of course she would have to pretend a baby that came from the spirit world had come from her daughter’s body.

  The letter continued. My final request will be difficult for you, Sondra, but you must understand this is my decision and mine alone. Our mother wanted her death to take place in the Montana mountains. She wanted to draw her last breath there and be left as she was for the earth to recycle. Instead, you and Father forced her into a hospital and made her die drugged and attached to machines. You buried her in a New York grave next to her parents, though you knew she had not once in her life asked for that. I have never forgiven you for that crime. It is a deep wound in me that never healed.

  It was also a warning to me. In recent months, I prepared my final resting place on my Washington land. I have carefully chosen, excavated, and sanctified this burial ground according to my spiritual practices. In the event my attorney passed this letter to you, I have been resting there, by my own hand, for a week or more. You must not try to find me.

  “No!” Raven cried.

  “I’m sorry,” her aunt said.

  Raven kept reading through a blur of tears. My daughter must never view my deceased body. I want her to see me in my true state, in that land she and I know and love well. We will remain on that land together. Tell her nothing has changed. I am there with her always and forever.

  The letter was signed Audrey E. Lind.

  “I’m very sorry,” her aunt again said as Raven let the letter go limp in her hand.

  “You aren’t sorry.” Raven threw the letter at her aunt. “My mother did not want me to read that letter. That’s clear from what she wrote at the end! You were wrong to show it to me! Why have you never honored her wishes? Why did you do that to her mother? I want nothing to do with you! I want you to leave my house!”

  Her aunt rose from the couch. “I had to show it to you. You refused to believe she isn’t coming back.”

  Raven still believed she might come back. Mama had sent the letter to state her wishes in case she couldn’t find her way back to Raven. She knew she had to be clear in what she wanted because of the wrong her sister had done to her mother.

  “Raven . . . ,” Jackie said. “Do you want me to leave?”

  His eyes reflected deep grief. The approaching anniversary of his father’s death was magnified by everything he’d witnessed in the last fifteen minutes. And now he knew Raven had been lying to him.

  She went to him, and he enclosed her in his arms. “I’m sorry I lied to you,” she whispered.

  “It’s okay. I understand why you did.”

  He didn’t, really, but she was grateful for his forgiveness.

 
; “Why did Audrey mention a child?” her aunt asked.

  Raven spun out of Jackie’s arms. “That’s none of your business!”

  “Apparently it is if she put it in a letter addressed to me.” She looked at Jackie and back to her. “Is it true?”

  “No!”

  “Well, that’s a relief.” She picked up the letter and put it back in the envelope. “I’ve talked to her attorney. Everything is in order. She’s left you the entirety of her estate—which is substantial.”

  “I don’t need anyone to be my guardian,” Raven said, “but if that’s the only way I can stay here, I’m willing to comply. Please go now. I want to be alone.”

  Her aunt drew in a big breath, then expelled it. Raven knew what that meant. She was preparing for a fight, as she often had done with Mama.

  “It’s not that easy, Raven. Your mother can’t just disappear like this. There will be many questions. Police will have to be involved.”

  “You will leave her alone!” Raven shouted.

  “How can I? I need a death certificate for you to inherit. How could your mother have overlooked that problem?”

  “You know the ways of that world. You’ll figure it out.”

  “My god, you sound just like her.”

  “Just go!” Raven said.

  “I will not! My sister has given me the responsibility to fix this mess she’s left, as she has all her life. And so I will.”

  “My mother would help,” Jackie said. “I’m sure she’d agree to become Raven’s guardian. She could live with us if she’s not allowed to live here.”

  Ms. Danner. It was perfect!

  “That’s what I want,” Raven said to her aunt. “Ms. Danner lives right down the road.”

  Her aunt nodded. “What about your father?”

  “What about him?”

  Her aunt looked at her curiously. “He needs to be told what happened. Do you know who he is?”

  “No.”

  “No hint of who he is all these years?”

  Raven shook her head. She didn’t like the way her aunt was looking into her eyes, as if she knew she was lying.

  Aunt Sondra came closer. “When you were a baby, Audrey once asked me to come help when you had a high fever. It was the first time I’d seen you. I hadn’t even known she was pregnant.” She looked at Jackie for a few seconds. “She had one of her episodes while I was there—you know what I mean by that?”