Have a Nice Guilt Trip

by Lisa Scottoline

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  With all our love to Mother Mary

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Introduction

  Homely Remedies

  Shades of Gray

  Baby Fever

  Fun for Free

  With Apologies to Mary Poppins

  The Married-Ex Milestone

  Brusha Brusha Brusha

  Mother Mary and The Fighting Scottolines

  Photograph of The Fighting Scottolines

  Mother Mary Misbehaves

  Third Month’s the Charm

  The Scent of a Woman

  With Apologies to L’Oreal

  Photograph of Boone

  Bon Voyage?

  In Which I Officially Hit the Wall!

  William Wordsworth Needs a New Password

  Love and Marriage, Then Divorce

  You Say Tomato

  Call of Jury Duty

  Photograph of Pip

  To Catch a Predator

  Dog Years

  Photograph of Penny

  I’m on It, Walt

  Stage Mom

  Photograph of Pip

  Extra Extra Crispy

  Ovarian Contrarian

  Saving Grace

  Be Careful What You Wish List

  I Know It When I See It

  Stars and Puppies

  Photograph of Francesca at the National Book Festival

  Photograph of Peach’s puppies

  Milk Shake

  Photograph of Peach and a puppy

  The True Meaning of Words

  Photograph of Lisa and BFF Franca

  Rolling Without Homies

  Happy Thanksgiving

  Novelistic

  Post-Puberty

  Gym Rat

  Photoraph of Little Tony

  Gifts for Him

  Mother Mary and the 600 Thread Count

  The Season of Giving

  Happy New Year Dotcom

  Being Good in the New Year

  Photograph of Francesca with rabbit ears

  They Call Alabama the Crimson Tide

  Unreal Estate

  I Want a Name When I Lose

  Photographs of Lisa, Mother Mary, and Francesca

  Thought Bubbles

  A Dog’s Pursuit of the Far-Fetched

  Fish & Game

  Photograph of Ruby

  Photograph of Boone

  Recipe for Disaster

  Number One Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

  Urban Studies

  Season to Taste

  Airport Insecurity

  Festival du Crime

  Relationship Spoiler Alert

  Engagement Ring-A-Ding Ding

  Extremely Speedy Delivery

  Frankenfood

  Demanding

  Old MacDonald Takes Manhattan

  Desitin Days

  Mother Mary Talks to God and Luis

  With Our Powers Combined

  God, Man, and Prada

  Hobby Horse

  King Baby

  Politics and Farm-Fresh Eggs

  Handygirl

  Photograph of Lisa’s garden

  Mother Nature Is a Bad Mom

  Make It Twerk

  Gangrene Thumb

  Photograph of bulldozer in Lisa’s garden

  Reply Hazy, Try Again

  Restaurant Wars

  Greased Lightning

  Do the Meth

  Suing Stevie Wonder

  Ho for the Burn

  Magic Kingdom

  A Wall of Guilt

  Mrs. Uncle Sam

  Mother Mary Twerks It Out

  Photograph of Francesca applying makeup to Mother Mary

  My Grandmother Is Not the Same

  Acknowledgments

  Photograph of The Flying Scottolines

  Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

  About the Authors

  Copyright

  Introduction

  By Lisa

  Nobody knows more about guilt than women.

  Especially this woman.

  I don’t have the time or space to list all of the things I feel guilty about, and I even feel guilty about that.

  So I’ll narrow it down and name only the things that I feel guilty about since dinner:

  I feel guilty that I ate second helpings of rigatoni.

  I feel guilty that I used tomato sauce from a jar.

  I feel guilty that I didn’t wash out the jar completely before I put it in recycling.

  I feel guilty that I ran the dishwasher when it wasn’t completely full.

  Also, did I mention that Daughter Francesca is home visiting, and I feel especially guilty that I served my only child such a crappy dinner?

  There is no guilt like Mom Guilt.

  We are always failing our children in some way, aren’t we?

  At least I am.

  Start with the fact that my daughter is an Only Child. I didn’t give her any siblings, and that was because I divorced her father, whom I call Thing One.

  Divorce Guilt.

  I even divorced her stepfather, Thing Two.

  Double Divorce Guilt!

  (But don’t worry, I bought her a lot of stuff to make up for it.)

  Bottom line, if you’re a mom, you’ll feel guilty all the time, and this is true because you’re a daughter as well, and God only knows how many times you failed your poor mother.

  Shame on you, and guilt, too.

  Now, to come to my point. If you think I’m going to preach to you that guilt is a bad thing, you’re wrong.

  I don’t want you to change.

  Because I like you just the way you are.

  Don’t lose your guilt. Embrace it, like me.

  I don’t feel guilty for feeling guilty.

  I’ve long ago accepted that guilt is a part of me, like cellulite.

  Guilt makes me work harder, do more errands, and get to the dry cleaners before closing.

  Guilt means I’m always early, everywhere.

  Guilt makes me pay my bills on time.

  Guilt makes me nicer to people.

  Guilt helps me be a better mother.

  Guilt gets me on the elliptical. Occasionally, but only on Level One.

  Guilt makes the journey of life into one long guilt trip. But in a nice way.

  Hence the title of this book, Have a Nice Guilt Trip.

  Herein you’ll find true and funny stories from Daughter Francesca and me about life, both together and apart, since at twenty-seven years old, she has not only moved out, but stopped nursing.

  We’ll also tell a few silly and/or poignant tales about my mother, Mother Mary, who travels with a backscratcher and an attitude.

  My guess is that our family will remind you of your family, except we’re less well behaved.

  So read on, and join us for the trip.

  And come as you are.

  Homely Remedies

  By Lisa

  I hate it when Mother Mary is right, which is always.

  We begin a zillion years ago, when I’m a little kid with a bad cold, and Mother Mary goes instantly for the Vicks VapoRub. As a child, I had more Vicks Vapo rubbed on me than most consumptives. My chest was as shiny as a stripper’s and even more fragrant.

  Camphor is still my favor
ite perfume.

  Which could be why I’m single.

  Another favorite home remedy of hers was the do-it-yourself humidifier. By this I mean she placed a Pyrex baking dish full of water on every radiator in the house.

  I never knew why, and neither did my friends. None of them had radiators, because they had nicer houses. They had something called forced air, which sounded vaguely scary to us. The Flying Scottolines never forced anything, especially something you needed to breathe.

  And in the summer, those same people had central air, which was something else we didn’t have. Our air lacked centralization. The only central thing in our house was Mother Mary, and that was how she liked it.

  But back to the do-it-yourself humidifiers, which sat like an open-air fishbowl on every radiator. As a child, I understood that this would cure something dreadful called Dry Air, which we had in spades. I didn’t really understand why Uncle Mikey had to move to Arizona for the Dry Air, when he could’ve just moved to our house, but be that as it may, I was grateful that I had an all-knowing mother, who understood that air came in forced, central, and dry, and that everything could be cured by Pyrex.

  The only time this was a problem was on Sundays, when Mother Mary actually wanted to bake ziti or eggplant parm, and there were no dishes available except for the ones cooking water on the radiators. She would dispatch me to get a Pyrex dish off the radiator and wash it out, and I would do so happily, if the end result was eggplant parm.

  I will still do anything for eggplant parm.

  Make a note, should we meet.

  But back to the story, cleaning the baking dishes was a yucky job. Often the water in the dishes would have dried up, leaving a scummy residue, and even if there was some water left, it wasn’t a pretty sight. Dog and cat hair would be floating on the surface, or ash from a passing cigarette.

  According to Mother Mary, smoking was fine for air quality.

  You win some, you lose some.

  So fast-forward to when I become a mother myself, and baby Francesca gets sick, and of course Mother Mary advocates Vicks and Pyrex, but I reject these ideas as old-fashioned. I am Modern.

  Enter antibiotics.

  I had that kid so pumped up with amoxicillin she could’ve grown mold. In fact, I had her on them prophylactically, so she’d never get another ear infection, and if I could have her on them now, I would, so she’d never get pregnant.

  I’m kidding.

  It’s a joke, okay?

  But then recently, I got the worst cold ever, and I called the doctor, who told me that antibiotics weren’t such a hot idea and what I really needed was Vicks VapoRub and a humidifier. I couldn’t believe my ears. I wanted the magic pill to make it all better but he says that it’s a virus and all that, and no.

  I didn’t tell this to Mother Mary. Don’t you, either.

  I suppose I could just get a Pyrex dish and put it on the radiator, but I am still Modern and I refuse. Also the doctor says I need a cool-mist humidifier, and not a warm-mist humidifier, and once again, I feel lucky to learn more about the mysteries of air, which now comes in mist.

  Who knew oxygen could be so complicated?

  So I go to the drugstore, buy the requisite cool-mist humidifier, and bring it home. I spend exactly one night with this thing and want to shoot myself. It’s thirty degrees outside, and in my bedroom, it’s twenty. An Arctic chill blasts from the cool-mist humidifier, and I’m up all night.

  So I go back to the drugstore and buy a warm-mist humidifier. I take it home, and it frizzes my hair, but you can’t have everything. Also, it comes with a little slot for a stick that’s impregnated with Vicks VapoRub, and you know what I’m thinking.

  This is the revenge of Mother Mary.

  Shades of Gray

  By Lisa

  What’s the difference between accepting yourself and giving up?

  I’m talking, of course, about going gray.

  Because that’s what’s happening.

  I’ve had glimmers of gray hair before, but it was concentrated on the right and left sides of my head, which gave me a nice Bride-of-Frankenstein look.

  But I’ve been working so hard over the winter that I haven’t bothered to get my hair highlighted, and today I noticed that there’s a lot more gray than there used to be.

  And you know what?

  It doesn’t look terrible.

  Also the world did not come to an end.

  In fact, nothing happened, one way or the other.

  But before we start talking about going gray, we have to talk about going brown. I seem to remember that brown is my natural hair color, but I forget. In any event, sometime in the Jurassic, I started highlighting my hair. It was long enough ago that highlights didn’t require a second mortgage.

  But no matter, some women are vain enough to pay anything to look good, and she would be me. I figured my highlights were a cost of doing business. In fact, I named my company Smart Blonde, so highlights were practically a job requirement, if not a uniform.

  In fact, maybe highlights are deductible.

  Just kidding, IRS.

  (I know they’ll really laugh at that one. They have a great sense of humor.)

  Anyway, my hair appointment for new highlights is tomorrow, but I’m really wondering if it’s worth it. Not because of the money, or even the time, but because I’m starting to accept the fact that my hair is not only secretly brown, it’s secretly gray.

  And so I’m thinking, maybe I should just let it go. Accept that I’m not only going gray, but I’m going brown, which I used to think was worse. And that maybe I should just accept myself as I am.

  Or, in other words, give up.

  Now, before I start getting nasty letters, let me just say that I love silvery gray hair on people. I know women who look terrific with all-over gray hair, but mine isn’t all-over yet. It’s coming only in patches, which looks like somebody spilled Clorox on my head.

  You know you’re in trouble when your hair matches your laundry.

  Also, my gray hair is growing in stiff and oddly straight, so it looks like it’s raising its hand.

  But that might be my imagination.

  And before you weigh in on this question, let me add the following:

  I’m also deciding whether to start wearing my glasses, instead of contacts. Yes, if you check out the sparkly-eyed picture of me on the book, you’ll see me in contacts. Actually, I took them out right after the photo, because they’re annoying. Fast-forward to being middle-aged, where any time you’re wearing your contacts, you have to wear your reading glasses, and so one way or the other, glasses are going to get you.

  And I’m starting to think that’s okay, too. In other words, I may be accepting myself for the myopic beastie that I am.

  Which is good.

  Or I may merely be getting so lazy that I cannot be bothered to look my best.

  Which is not so good.

  Because in addition to gray hair and nearsightedness, I also accept that I don’t have the answers to many things. For example, I just drove home from NYC and I don’t know the difference between the EZ-Pass lane and the Express EZ-Pass lane.

  Life isn’t always EZ.

  Baby Fever

  By Francesca

  Spring means one thing: babies.

  My friend and I, plus my dog Pip, were enjoying an outdoor brunch at a restaurant and we were surrounded. Babies in sunhats strapped into strollers, babies hanging their chubby limbs from their snugglies, babies gurgling on their parents’ laps. The sidewalk was a baby parade. It was distracting.

  But not as distracting as the words “vanilla buttermilk pancakes” on the menu.

  My mouth had just begun to water when my friend cried out, “Omigod! Look at that munchkin!” She pointed to a baby in his mother’s arms one table over.

  “Cute,” I said. I patted my lap once and Pip jumped into it. I taught him that, and it fills my heart with pride when he does it.

  “You didn’t even look.”


  “I looked.” And I decided on the omelet.

  “You don’t feel that?” she asked.

  “Feel what?”

  “Baby fever.”

  I’m immune.

  Later, when we were paying the check, my next-door neighbor approached, pushing her new baby in a stroller and walking her cockapoo. We greeted each other, and my friend cooed over her baby as I bent to pet the dog. When my neighbor left, my friend asked, “Is her baby a boy or a girl?”

  I shrugged, feeding Pip some eggs from my plate, making sure to pick out the onions first. Onions aren’t good for dogs.

  “Do you know her baby’s name?”

  “Um … I know her dog’s name is Jefferson.”

  “You’re terrible!”

  Am I?

  Look, I’m not a monster. I like babies for all the obvious reasons. They’re cute. They’re soft. They have great laughs. And even when they throw food in a restaurant or cry next to me in an airplane, it never bothers me. I’m able to tune them out.

  But is that bad?

  Shouldn’t there be some primitive part of my brain to prevent me from “tuning out” a child in need?

  Even my dog Pip looks up when a puppy on a YouTube video gives a little yelp.

  I’m counting on these maternal instincts to kick in down the road. But should there be more evidence of them now?

  “I’m sure I’ll feel the baby urge eventually,” I said, suddenly unsure. I wiped some bits of egg Pip had gotten stuck in his ear fur. “We have time, don’t we?”

  “Sure, but I want one now.”

  I visibly shuddered.

  I’m not prepared for a baby right now. I was an only child, I had no younger siblings, and my lone cousin is ten years older than I am. I have zero baby experience. I don’t know how to hold, feed, or change a baby, and the mere thought of doing something wrong and breaking it gives me a cold sweat.

  If I were a twenty-something man, this cluelessness would be understandable, even endearing, the stuff of rom-com movie montages.

  As a woman, it’s concerning.

  “I wouldn’t say it’s ‘concerning,’ it’s just surprising,” my friend said, as we continued our discussion walking down the block after brunch. “You’re one of the most nurturing people I know.”

  I do love to play mama to my friends. I bring soup to pals feeling sick, I text reminders for mutual friends’ birthdays, I carried my BFF’s passport for her when we studied abroad, and I enjoy surprising my boyfriend with freshly baked muffins in the morning.