Getting Back

by Cindy Rizzo

  1976 Fall Semester

  The Fowler students who’d had the apartment before us left most of the furniture. It was old stuff but functional, probably recycled by a number of past tenants over the last decade. I was a little squeamish about the bed, so I convinced Ruth that we had to buy a new mattress. She didn’t see the need, but she went along with my wishes.

  “It seems fine to me, but if you want a new mattress, sweetheart, then let’s go get you one.”

  We had the deliverymen bring it in the door and lean it up against the living room wall because we didn’t want them in our bedroom. We didn’t want anyone in there but us. It was sacred territory.

  Once we’d carted the mattress in, removed the plastic wrapping, and positioned it on the bed frame, I handed Ruth two corners of a light blue fitted sheet, holding the other two myself. When that was secured, I handed her two corners of the top sheet.

  “Let’s pull it taut so that it can be even.”

  As we held our corners, we each stepped back so the sheet was smoothed out above the mattress.

  “All right?” asked Ruth. “Good enough?”

  “Pull tighter.”

  She looked at me, her expression asking why, but she did as I asked and I felt the tug of the sheet pulling from the corners I held. All at once I let go and the sheet snapped toward Ruth. In the midst of her surprise and before she could say anything, I crawled onto the bed toward her and grabbed her by the waist until she was on top of me, laughing the whole time. She chuckled and raised my arms up over my head, holding them together with one hand.

  “Was all that necessary?” she asked. “You could have just said that it was time to test out our new mattress.”

  “More fun this way.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  She lowered her head and kissed me. I moaned in response, knowing what we were starting. I always loved those first moments of sex with Ruth. The anticipation, the knowledge that we were going to that place together that was ours alone. We’d been lovers at that point for more than a year and had experimented with and explored our desires. There were only a few books we could find on the topic so we usually resorted to sharing our own fantasies.

  I loved the feel of Ruth’s weight on me. At the beginning she’d worried that she could crush me. She would deliberately hold herself above or lean on only part of me, keeping her legs and her chest from touching. But I’d pull her down and wrap myself around her. I wanted her on me. I wanted us as close as possible. It never felt like too much.

  After a while she relented in her attempts to spare me, and gave into the fact that I needed her this way. And so, on that day we tested out the mattress, I felt the full weight of her on me and the excitement of her mouth on mine. Having ceded to her the use of my hands, she took control, touching my face, my neck and lowering her hand to my breasts, feeling a nipple stiffen through my bra and T-shirt. She moved her mouth to my ear, gently licking the earlobe.

  “So beautiful, so beautiful,” she whispered, her voice sending shivers through me.

  She released my hands and sat up to remove her shirt and bra and then did the same for me. I knew by then that it turned her on to be the one to undress me. I also knew that she’d wait to remove my shorts, until after she’d unzipped them and reached inside to give me my first orgasm that way.

  We’d talked about it once, why we both liked to start out partially clothed.

  “It’s exciting,” Ruth had said. “Pretending that we’re doing it somewhere forbidden, like the backseat of a car or a classroom, where it’s too risky to take off our clothes but the need is too urgent to stop.”

  She’d said it perfectly. The need was too urgent.

  Once my body relaxed after the tightening of desire and release in waves of that first round of pleasure, we got fully undressed and lay side by side, touching one another everywhere. Ruth was an inch or two taller than me, but her body always felt compact. Her hips were broader, her hands smaller. She circled me in her arms and ran her hands down my back slipping them lower to follow the contours of my ass and the thighs below. Then she made the same trip in reverse, up my body to my back and finished at my breasts. All the while my head was nested in her neck where I kissed and tasted her. She loved that. There was a spot below her left ear that I’d found early on. I kissed it and gently sucked there. Her hands stopped and I felt her hips begin to move against me, her need growing.

  “I love how you want me,” I murmured into her neck. “I love you.”

  “Please.” I knew it was all she would be able to say in that moment.

  While my fingers delighted in the wetness between her legs, I took first one and then the other nipple into my mouth, sucking eagerly, my teeth grazing the puckered skin. I could tell from the level of Ruth’s arousal that I was able to raise the pressure and intensity of my touch, nipping at her belly on my way down, slipping two and then three fingers inside her as she writhed against my hand. I was hungry for her. With the first touch of my mouth on her center, we both groaned in pleasure, pushing against one another in an effort to get so close that our bodies would merge. That urgent need Ruth had talked about was concentrated in my mouth as I tasted and caressed and felt that oh so important spot stiffen until Ruth called out “Elizabeth!”

  I stayed with her as she moved with the pulsating sensations coursing through her. I reached forward for her hips and steadied her as she came, my tongue slowing, my movements gentler. She tugged at my wrists and I moved up into her arms, waiting for the rate of her breathing to level off.

  I had once tried to explain that making love to her that way gave me as much satisfaction as it did her. She’d smiled and shook her head. “Not possible,” she said. But it was true. As I lay there letting her recover, my lips resting on her collarbone, I was embraced by a feeling of total peace and contentment, as if I were floating free in the ocean with the sun warming my face.

  September 2008

  In all the years that had followed their breakup, Elizabeth had never let any woman make love to her that way. No one was allowed to lie on top, to hold her hands back, to take that kind of control. It was in fact she who took charge more often than not. As soon as she found herself on her back, she’d push back and reverse positions.

  She’d been told more than once that she had “trust issues” or that she was an “insistent top,” but she never cared what other women said. If she was going to have any kind of sex life after Ruth, it would have to be this way. Even with Gretchen, her longest relationship, she called the shots in bed.

  Yet, now, when she thought about the prospect of sleeping with Ruth, her body hungered for the feel of Ruth’s weight on her, the feel of her hand in Elizabeth’s underwear, their old fantasy of having sex in forbidden places. It had been so long since she’d allowed herself to think about sex that way. But after kissing Ruth that night after dinner, Elizabeth had easily revived those old needs. Still, the reawakening of this desire only served to add to her fears. She would give up control in bed and lose herself in Ruth. Or she would gain the satisfaction she craved one last time and then move on. Either of those outcomes made sex too risky. She sighed deeply and shook her head. She was once again back to not knowing what to do.

  Chapter 14

  October 2008

  Max held an umbrella open as Elizabeth stepped out of the car in front of her office building. There was a chill in the early October air that was made all the more unpleasant by the rain. Max walked her to the revolving doors, and she thanked him and entered the lobby.

  Reese was on her mind that morning. She’d had Elizabeth’s assistant schedule a private lunch meeting today in the executive dining room in place of their usual weekly. Reese had offered no explanation and Elizabeth decided not to ask. She had her own very personal need to speak to Reese, so it was fitting that they do something a bit differen
t, maybe even celebratory. She’d even made sure there was a half bottle of the South African Sauvignon Blanc that she liked chilling on the table. They might as well indulge.

  When they were seated with crabmeat salads placed in front of them, Elizabeth decided that it was she who would go first.

  “I know you asked for this lunch meeting, Reese, but as it turns out you’re not the only one with a special agenda.”

  Reese looked up from her plate on which a small loaf of French bread had been laid next to a pat of butter.

  “I’m going to be making some important staffing changes on the senior team. There will be a new position of Chief Content Officer added and some integrated work processes we’ll be implementing. With the big changes we’re seeing in the industry, we need to reorganize so we can remain ahead of the competition. These changes will help us be more nimble and innovative.”

  “Are you going to hire a search firm to fill the new position?”

  “No, I’m offering it to you, if you’ll take it.”

  Reese stared at her slack-jawed.

  “Close your mouth, Reese, and don’t be so surprised. You’ve earned this. But, make no mistake, I’m going to be expecting even more of you. I’m moving the Twenty-First Century Markets team to a dual-reporting relationship between Content and Marketing. And when I say Content, I’m not just thinking of books. You’ll be overseeing videos, podcasts, author tours, the whole thing. We need to move from planning for next year to planning for three years from now and even beyond. This sweetheart deal with Amazon will not last forever. Very soon our competitors will be entering into their own negotiations, and when they do, I want us to be a step ahead of them onto the next thing they haven’t even thought about yet.”

  She sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest. “Does this excite you?”

  “Yes!” said Reese, her head bobbing up and down. “I’ve felt for a long time that books are only one aspect of what we have to offer. And so much of what I’ve learned comes from our sessions with the Twenty-First Century Markets team. I’m excited about working more closely with them. Elizabeth, I’m thrilled that you want me to be a part of all this. It’s so cutting edge.”

  “And it will cause you many sleepless nights, as it has me. But if any of us has a future here, this is what we must do. Never forget that two hundred people employed by Morrison Publishing are counting on you.”

  Reese swallowed hard. “Something to think about while I sit up at night wide awake.”

  “Welcome to my world, and of course to the C-Suite. We’ll be making arrangements for your move. Oh, and in ten days I’ll need a description of this position and a work plan from you, including all of the training seminars and contacts you’ll need to get up to speed. Plus, during that time, you’ll transition your current workload to a new senior editor. Take a day to decide who you’d like to promote. Now, what is it that was on your mind?”

  For some reason, as she said those last words, she heard Ruth’s voice in her head, “For God’s sake, Elizabeth, give the girl a minute to take this in.”

  She reached forward and gently touched the top of Reese’s hand. “On second thought, why don’t you take a moment to absorb this while I pour us each a glass of wine? I had them bring us a really nice half bottle.”

  She turned to the small bucket on the table and lifted out the wine bottle, which was already uncorked. She filled their glasses, raised hers, and waited for Reese to do the same.

  “To an exceptional and noteworthy future for Morrison Publishing and especially for Reese Stanley.”

  She smiled broadly as she clinked her glass with Reese’s.

  The wine was just as she’d remembered it—cool, smooth, and not too dry.

  “So what next?” she asked. “Shall we eat or are you ready to talk?”

  Reese leaned slightly forward.

  “Well, first, thank you for your confidence in me. I want to do everything I can to make you feel you’ve made the right decision.”

  “I have no doubt of that.”

  “Well, so…” Reese looked down at her plate as if she were trying to figure out how to begin. “Jaret and I have been talking about getting married.”

  Elizabeth raised her eyebrows in surprise. She hadn’t expected this at all. “Oh?”

  “Yes, in Massachusetts where it’s legal even if you live out of state.”

  “But would it be recognized in New York?”

  “Yes, though not yet in too many other places and not by the federal government.”

  “So why do it now?”

  “Because.” She paused. “Have you been following what’s going on in California with Proposition 8?”

  “That marriage referendum? Surely that’s not going to pass?”

  “The people Jaret’s talking to, these lawyers from one of the gay legal groups, they think it might. And if it does, then no one knows what that will mean. So we want to get married while we still have the chance, and also, as a kind of protest against the people who say we shouldn’t.”

  Reese’s last point made Elizabeth think back to when Ruth asked whether the idea to adopt Reese was merely part of a succession plan. She was, of course, implying that it had to have a greater purpose.

  “Reese, marriage is too serious a step to take just to protest an unjust situation.”

  “I know that. But don’t you think that after almost twenty years we’re ready?” She smiled at Elizabeth.

  “Of course I do, and you know, I like Jaret very much.”

  “I’m glad you said that, Elizabeth, because I, we, would like you to be there with us, and, since Jaret will have her parents, I was wondering if you would…well, if you’d kind of walk me down the aisle.”

  Reese turned her head away as if she was anticipating a negative response.

  Elizabeth’s answer was immediate and her enthusiasm was genuine. “Of course, I’d be honored.”

  “You would?”

  Well, no time like the present, thought Elizabeth. Might as well go for broke.

  “Reese, I’m actually quite touched by this request, because you see, I’ve felt for quite some time that you and I have this, this parent-child relationship. I mean, you’re not really a child, but I guess I’ve grown to care for you that way.”

  Reese was quiet for a few moments. Then Elizabeth heard her sniff as she wiped the corner of her eye. Elizabeth worried that maybe she’d been too direct.

  “I know I could never replace your mother. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I hope you know that.”

  Reese nodded. “I do,” she said through her tears.

  “I’ve been trying to find a way to talk to you about this. Actually, Ruth has really been encouraging me to do so.”

  “She has?”

  “Yes. I first talked to her about it after the reunion when I wasn’t sure if I had a right to be upset about what, well, what you did with Margaret.”

  “Oh, Elizabeth, I’m so sorry about that. Knowing that I hurt you… I can’t even tell you how low that made me feel.”

  Elizabeth placed her hand on Reese’s cheek and wiped a tear with her thumb, the same gesture she’d done with Ruth, but with such a different meaning attached.

  “Shhhh,” she said. “It’s all fine now. You’re getting married and you’ll soon be a top executive at a big publishing company.”

  Reese let out a small chuckle. “Well, when you put it that way.” She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin. Elizabeth handed her a tissue.

  “So there’s one more thing,” Elizabeth said, “just to add even more to what has already been a weighty conversation.”

  Reese looked up, an expression of trepidation on her face.

  “This may sound a little strange on first hearing. But it’s something
I think will kind of formalize what we’ve been discussing. And it’s all perfectly permissible legally. I checked it out with Ruth.” She paused and took in a deep breath. “Reese, I’d like to adopt you, that is, if you think it is a good idea. I thought it might be nice for you to have a parent and for me to have you as family.”

  There it was again, that same slack-jawed, open-eyed look of surprise. Elizabeth worried that she had piled too much into one conversation.

  “There’s no rush, of course. You can take whatever time you need to think it over. And you won’t offend me if you decline.”

  That last part wasn’t entirely true, but Elizabeth thought it best to give Reese a way out. She didn’t want her to agree to this out of some sense of obligation.

  “Wow.” Reese breathed out the word. “Adoption. You’d be my, my mother.”

  “Well, yes, that is what it would mean.” She smiled. “But I promise you, no curfews.”

  That brought a smile to Reese’s face. “And you won’t send me to my room if I’m bad?”

  “Oh, I’m a lot more creative than that.”

  They both laughed.

  “Can I think about it?”

  “Of course. I know it’s a big step and you’re already looking at marriage and a major promotion. This can wait. I just wanted everything out in the open.”

  “Would I call you mom?” A little smirk escaped Reese.

  “I’d require it.” Elizabeth smiled. “No. I don’t expect a lot to change on the surface. It’s underneath where it’ll really matter. Do you know what I mean?”