by Nina Singh
“I guess so.”
“I’m not sure what to do about that.”
Neither did he. But he knew what might be a good way for them to start. “Can you break away for a few minutes, Jess? Just to talk?”
She sucked in her bottom lip, giving it serious thought. To the point where Jordan was afraid she was about to turn him down.
But ultimately, she nodded. “There’s a raggedy, uncomfortable wooden bench by a small stream behind the building. I sit out there to sketch sometimes.”
Another flood of relief surged through him that she hadn’t turned down his offer. “That sounds lovely. It’s a beautiful day out.”
“All right. I’ll even treat you to bad vending machine coffee and we can take it out there.”
He couldn’t help himself; he stepped closer to her. They stood within inches of each other. He gently rubbed a finger down her cheek. She trembled at the contact, making him wish he could touch her further. Really touch her.
He hadn’t wanted to admit to himself just how much he’d missed her these past few days. “That’s the best offer I’ve had in a while,” he said on a hoarse whisper. Why had he even tried to stay away from her? Jordan followed Jess to a small break room with an automatic coffee server on the counter and a mostly empty vending machine against the wall. Jess turned the coffeepot on then stepped over to the snack vending machine and punched in a code. A package of sugary chocolate cupcakes fell to the bottom.
She grabbed it and held it out. “I’ll share this with you.”
“Another tempting offer. You spoil me.”
Within moments they were outside sitting on her wooden sketching bench. The narrow stream meandered lazily by their feet. The seat was much too small and he was certain he’d stand up with more than a few splinters in his backside. The half a cupcake Jess offered him was stale and much too rich. And he had to resist the urge to spit out the watery, tasteless coffee. If one could even call the beverage that.
Jordan had sat in deluxe cafés by the Seine indulging in chef-prepared desserts and gourmet espresso ground from the finest java beans.
But at this moment there was nowhere else he’d rather be.
* * *
“This is quite a view,” Jordan commented as they sat down. Jess had drawn this particular landscape countless times during her time working for the community center. The scenery changed with the seasons, providing her with a varying subject every time. She took in the lush greenery now, the bright sunshine, the pretty ferns that grew along the base of the stream. A red-chested robin watched them from a tree branch above.
“It is, isn’t it? Though it doesn’t quite compare to the lit-up Manhattan skyline from a high rooftop.”
Jordan continued to study the picturesque scene in front of them. “It’s equally as stunning. In a different way.”
Jess breathed in deep. The air out here always seemed to exhilarate and refresh her. “The flora is different. But something about it reminds me of the Malaysian landscape.”
“You’ve been to Malaysia?”
She sighed as the memories resurfaced. “Yes. Once. To visit my father.”
Jordan turned to her in surprise. “I didn’t think he was very present in your life.”
Accurate. “He wasn’t. But my mother had me stay in touch with him and send him letters as soon as I learned how to read and write. Present or not, she was adamant that I knew I had a father.”
“I see.”
“He was nice about writing back. More of a pen pal, really. So when I turned sixteen, I asked my mom to let me go visit him as a sweet sixteen present. She obliged.” Jess humphed out a small laugh. “She probably figured it was an easy way to acknowledge such a major birthday without having to travel herself to come see me.”
Jordan reached for her hand and took it in his own. Though it most definitely wasn’t wise given the past week, Jess allowed his touch. Welcomed it, in fact.
“Sorry to hear that, Jess.”
The empathy in his voice sent a curl of warmth through her chest. “I don’t know what I was thinking asking to see him. He’d never really been more of a pen pal. My first clue should have been his less than enthusiastic reply when I wrote to tell him I’d be flying in.”
“I take it the visit didn’t go well.”
Again, accurate. “You’re right. It was a fiasco from day one. By the time I returned to the States a week later, I was more than ready to be back. And I have no doubt my father was ready to have me go.”
“What happened?”
His fingers gave hers a tight, reassuring squeeze. And it felt good. Talking to him felt good. She’d wondered all week when she’d see him again next. The scenario of the two of them sitting on her wooden park bench hadn’t exactly been one of her guesses.
“Nothing terribly surprising,” she answered. “By then he’d moved on, gotten married. Had two daughters and one son all several years younger than I was. I felt like a complete fish out of water staying at his house with them.”
“Oh, Jess. That was terribly unfair to you.”
“Maybe. I think his family thought the opposite. That I was being unfair to them.”
“What? That makes no sense.”
Jess hadn’t forgotten the pain of it. She’d been carrying it with her for over a decade, after all. The utter sense of rejection, of not being wanted. She’d felt that before during her childhood years. The various maternal relatives she’d been hoisted upon often made no secret that they’d only taken her in out of a sense of family responsibility.
But the sting of being rejected by your own parent, your flesh and blood, carried a stronger bite.
“They seemed to feel I was flaunting my very existence by being there. The wife was particularly resentful.” She blew a strand of hair off her face. “I wish she’d just been up-front about her objection to my visit from the get-go.”
“Sometimes wives in that part of the world don’t have much of a say in decisions made by their husbands.”
“I considered that. She just passive-aggressively shunned me when I was there.”
“Did you have any fun while you were there?” Jordan asked with genuine concern in his voice.
“My half siblings were nice enough. Except for the youngest one—the little boy—did keep asking me why I was there. Purely innocently. But it was just one more way the whole trip was awkward and stressful from the beginning.”
He rubbed the top of her hand with his thumb. “You didn’t deserve that, Jess. Particularly not at the already tumultuous age of sixteen.”
“Thank you for saying that.” She took comfort in those words. “That’s why Sonya’s so lucky to have you, Jordan. I’ve been wanting to tell you that.”
Jordan didn’t respond. Just continued to stare ahead at the scenery. “I mean, you’ve given her a stable home, genuine affection and you’re making sure she knows she’s wanted. I know she must appreciate that.”
She felt Jordan’s whole body suddenly go rigid. When he did finally turn to her, the pain in his eyes nearly took her breath away.
* * *
If he were at all a decent man, Jordan would stop Jess right now in the process of praising him and correct all her false assumptions. How could she even think such things after what he’d revealed to her in New York?
Jess continued, “Really, Jordan. Sonya’s very fortunate not to be strapped to a parent or relative who doesn’t want her.”
Like she had been.
“She has you to thank for that,” Jess added.
“She’s my only sibling. My only family,” he answered simply.
“And you’re doing right by her. Despite all that you yourself had to go through.”
“Is that how you see things?”
“I see the reality. You had so much to deal with after losing your mother. Then your fa
ther more recently.”
“He became a different man after she died. It was like losing him, too.” Jordan released a deep sigh. He remembered how frightened he’d been as a young teenager suddenly without the mom who’d cared for and cherished him. And how distant his father became as a result of her being gone.
Jess leaned ever so slightly into him. He wanted to pull her onto his lap to seek comfort in her warm embrace. Perhaps they’d be comforting each other, in fact.
“I would dare to say that you never got a chance to grieve your father,” Jess seemed to say out of the blue.
He quirked an eyebrow in her direction. “I guess I never really gave it much thought. There were too many arrangements to be made.”
“And a little girl to be taken care of.” She inhaled. “Think about it, Jordan. Your father was gone and all of a sudden you were sole guardian to his other child. Did you ever get a chance to actually mourn his loss?”
“I guess not. Especially after...” His unspoken words hung in the air between them.
“Sonya’s accident, you mean,” Jess supplied.
He didn’t really want to get into this again. A part of him wished he’d never told Jess about the accident in the first place. She clearly wanted to rehash it some more. And he absolutely didn’t. “I’d rather not get into this again, Jess. There’s no useful purpose in discussing it over and over.”
She shaded her eyes, remained silent for a moment. But not for long. “I can respect that. But I need to say one more thing—you can’t blame yourself, Jordan. It isn’t healthy for either of you. Not for the accident. And certainly not for Sonya’s developing disability.”
Of course she wasn’t going to let the subject drop. Not easily anyway. Jordan simply sighed, waited for her to continue. He regretted that decision as soon as she did.
“You have to realize that the accident wasn’t your fault. You had a lot on your mind. Any new parent can easily become distracted. And someone in your position has even more of an excuse—”
A sudden, unexpected fission of annoyance had him stiffening, and he cut her off midsentence. “If I wanted to be analyzed, I would have sought the services of a professional.” There was no use in rehashing all this, any of it. It was all past history, which made no difference in his reality today.
Jordan bit out a curse at her responding gasp. Like he thought earlier, if he could only be a more decent man.
“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s just... I’m not really used to talking about all this.”
“I kind of got that impression our last morning in Manhattan.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized once more, not sure what else to do.
She sucked in her bottom lip. “Just so you know, believe it or not, I’ve never shared that Malaysia experience with anyone. Not even Kelly. And especially not my mother.”
That revelation had him torn between being flattered and feeling unworthy. “I’m glad you did tell me.”
They sat in silence for several minutes. Jordan wanted to brush off all the things she’d just said and the points she’d made about his father. The loss of his mother. It could be argued that he’d never actually gotten a chance to grieve for her, either. His father had just been so broken that Jordan felt the need to be the strong one, the stoic one.
And as responsible as he felt about the accident, every doctor they’d visited had emphasized that Sonya’s hearing loss couldn’t be attributed to it. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell Jess she might be right on that score. Just as he couldn’t bring himself to fully believe it.
Dear heavens. He hadn’t thought about any of this with any great depth. Didn’t want to do so now. How had they even started along this path?
Finally, Jess broke the silence. “You never answered me.”
Jordan felt a tingle of trepidation in his chest. He wasn’t sure how much more of a heart-to-heart he could take right now. “About what?”
“Whether you want me to address the online activity.”
The sudden change in topic threw him off and it took some effort to try and redirect his focus.
“Should I post something?” she asked.
“That won’t be necessary.”
“Are you sure? It can’t look good for you.”
Leave it to her to be concerned about his reputation when hers was the one being publicly ridiculed. “It’s all right, Jess. I have people working on it. You don’t have to do anything personally.”
“What kind of people?”
“Pros whose job it is to track and try and influence social media.”
“Huh. What exactly are they doing?”
He gave her a small shrug. “A handful of responders to the tabloids were complimentary toward you. Some admired your resourcefulness. Others pointed out you were setting a good example about reusing.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “They did?”
“My people are making sure those posts out-trend the less flattering ones.”
“Huh.”
“I just wanted you to be aware of it. So that you didn’t find out the hard way after going online.”
“I see.” She stood and stretched out her legs. Jordan followed. “Well, I should get back to those binders. It’s going to take me all afternoon to figure out where the budget should be cut.”
“Can I help in any way?”
Jess shook her head. “Part of the problem is that Clara keeps everything on paper hard copies. Not that we could afford a computer system anyway.”
They slowly made their way back through the tall grass. They’d just gone over a lot of territory. He needed some time to process. Besides, she had work to do cutting a budget.
An idea occurred to him just then. Maybe she wouldn’t need to slash the center’s budget, after all.
* * *
Jess shut the door of her classroom behind her and leaned back against it taking deep breaths. She had no idea how long she’d stood there. But it was going to be near impossible to try and focus on numbers and budgets after Jordan’s visit. Her concentration would be shot as she replayed their conversation over and over in her mind.
Not to mention the way he’d touched her, first with a finger down her cheek and then as he’d held her hand tight on the bench. She’d been intimate with the man and—though that intimacy had touched something deep within her soul—his mere gentle caresses could be just as affecting.
Oh, dear. She had it bad. She was in really deep.
And she hadn’t even seen it coming. No wonder she was so woefully unprepared. Because all she wanted to do right now was to crumple to the floor and cry.
She’d somehow fallen head over heels for Jordan Paydan. And he was nowhere near ready to let her in. Not judging by the conversation they’d just had. Her heart would probably never recover.
The whole situation was impossible. She had no doubt Jordan wanted her still—as much as he had that night in New York. That much was obvious in the way he’d looked at her just now before he left. And it was obvious in the way he’d kept touching her. Jess knew she just only had to say the word and they’d have a replay of the night they shared. Her whole life had been spent trying to achieve a sense of emotional grounding and stability. Her quest for such stability had driven her once to pursue the wrong career and into the arms of the wrong man when she’d agreed to wed Gary. No, at this point in her life, she couldn’t bring herself to have a meaningless fling.
And Jordan had made it blatantly clear than he wanted nothing more.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
JORDAN TRIED TO be gracious as Clara Thompson served him yet another cup of the dreadful coffee he’d had the other day while sitting outside with Jess. Did anyone actually really drink this slop?
“This is so unexpected, Mr. Paydan,” Clara said as she took a seat across from him at her desk. She motioned for him t
o take the chair opposite. Her office was small yet neat. Potted plants sat perched on various surfaces in each corner.
“Please call me Jordan.”
The older woman gave him a wide smile. “Very well. Thank you, Jordan. We won’t have to cut any of our programs as a direct result of your generosity. Even our summer sessions can stay intact.”
Jordan cleared his throat. He always felt a little self-conscious when people thanked him profusely for a charitable contribution. The money meant so little to him in the overall scope of things. But it meant so much to organizations like the one Clara was a director for. He didn’t want to see the community center lose any of its offerings when the solution was so simple.
“Well, when I heard you were looking into budget cuts, I knew right away what the very next check I wrote would be.”
“I’m ever so thrilled that you did. And what a generous check it is. The staff will be thrilled to hear the news.”
Jordan shifted in his chair. This was the reason he’d wanted to hand the check to Clara personally. “About that...”
“Yes?”
“I’d prefer if this were to remain between the two of us.”
She blinked at him in surprise. “You would?”
“Yes, please.”
“Do you mind if I ask why?”
He didn’t mind her asking per se. But he had no intention nor the desire to get into it.
Jordan didn’t want to explain that he didn’t want for Jess to hear about this donation and try to read anything into it. Or try to thank him in some meaningful and sincere way that left them both feeling awkward. No, it was much better that she not find out.
“Let’s just say I’d like to keep it as anonymous as possible.”
She glanced down at the paper check yet again. “I see. I guess I can come up with some kind of story to tell folks.”
“I have faith you will.”
“Well, again, thank you so much for your generosity. It will go a long way.”