To Have and to Hold

by Fern Michaels

  “She went in my drawer. She’s not supposed to do that. You said it was private. I don’t go in her drawers,” Betsy grumbled.

  “You do so. You went in yesterday looking for my letter.”

  “Because you told me to.” To her mother she said, “We were playing school and I told her she had to do show-and-tell. I came in here to get mine and she said to get hers. That’s why I went in her drawer.”

  “You did it!” Ellie cried.

  “Shut up.” Betsy yanked at the bows on her socks. “I hate these bows. None of the other kids in school have bows on their socks.”

  “I thought you liked them. They match your hair ribbons,” Kate said. God, was this desperate-sounding voice hers?

  “I don’t want them anymore,” Betsy said petulantly.

  “Then give them to me,” Ellie cried, snatching the bows Betsy had pulled off. “Now I can have two bows, one on each side. Will you sew them on, Mommy?”

  Something was happening here, and she wasn’t sure what it was. “All right, later this evening I’ll sew them on, if Betsy is sure she doesn’t want them.”

  “I don’t. They’re stupid. Nancy Davis said they’re dumb-looking. She said I wear too many bows and ribbons, and they tease me about the colored buttons you sewed on the bottom of my skirt.”

  “But they look so pretty and colorful,” Kate said defensively.

  “Sew them on my dress, Mommy,” Ellie said happily.

  Kate nodded as she stared at Betsy’s belligerent face. “I guess that means you want plain things, no ruffles or bows,” she said quietly.

  “I just want to look like the other girls. I don’t want to take those little bags to parties, either. I want to buy a present like everyone else does. If I can’t take a bought present, I don’t want to go.”

  “All right, Betsy, you made your point. I’ll think about it.”

  “That’s what you always say to Daddy, but you don’t think about it. He said so. I heard him say that was just to shut him up.”

  “Betsy, honey, I’m sorry. I’ll try and do better. I promise,” Kate said, her voice cracking.

  “You always say that, too. You aren’t sorry. Sorry means you don’t do something again. That’s what Daddy said. Ask Ellie, and if she’s not pretending to be dumb as Chester Manners, she’ll say the same thing.” Ellie’s head bobbed up and down.

  Kate hesitated. “It’s not the bows and buttons that are bothering you, although that’s part of it. What’s wrong, Betsy?”

  Betsy looked down at her bare feet, her face full of misery. She bit down on her lower lip, a sure sign that she was about to cry.

  “Betsy said Daddy is lost and that man can’t find him. Daddies don’t get lost, do they, Mommy?” Ellie giggled. “She’s just being silly and trying to scare me, isn’t that right, Mommy?”

  Kate knelt and put her arms around both her daughters. “No, that isn’t right, Ellie,” she said in a whispery voice. “This is all my fault. I should have told you about Major Collier’s visit yesterday, but I ... had to ... get used to what he said. I was going to talk to you about it today when we went to the park. You see, something happened to Daddy’s plane and he had to ... leave it, to jump out. You both know what a parachute is. Daddy was wearing his, so he landed safely on the ground. He used his radio to call for help, so now we have to wait for . . . for someone to go and get him, or wait for him to find his way back himself. It might take a little while, so we have to be brave and not worry. Daddy wouldn’t want us to worry. We’ll think about it and talk about it, but we won’t worry. Can we agree to that, the three of us?”

  “Does that mean Daddy isn’t going to be writing any more letters? Will we still write to him?” Betsy asked tearfully.

  “Of course we’re going to write. That isn’t going to change. Daddy is probably too busy to write. He’ll have to find his way out of the jungle.”

  “Don’t they have mailmen in the jungle?” Ellie asked.

  “She’s acting dumb again, Mommy.”

  “Do you know for a fact that there’s no mail in the jungle, Betsy?” Kate chided gently.

  “She said mailmen. Like our mailman. I know the difference,” she said testily, her large brown eyes sparking.

  “I’ll tell you what. Today, after the park, we’ll stop at the library. We’ll ask the librarian to give us everything she has on Vietnam, and a map, too. If we study it, maybe we’ll get a feel for where Daddy is and a better idea of how he’s doing. I vote we do that.”

  “I do, too,” Ellie said, raising her hand.

  “Betsy?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this last night. I was upset.”

  “Is that why you threw everything away?” Betsy demanded.

  Kate nodded. How wise this little girl was. How like Patrick. “You faked me out last night, didn’t you? You weren’t really sleeping, were you?”

  “I heard you crying. I saw you throw everything in the bags. All that stuff Daddy said was junk. Now he won’t know you did it.”

  “Tonight we’ll write him and tell him.”

  “It’s too late. He’s lost and they won’t deliver his letter,” Ellie said, bursting into tears.

  “We’re going to write it anyway and pray that Daddy receives it. We’ll keep writing every day even if we say the same thing over and over. We’ll call the Red Cross and ask them for help.

  “Now, let’s finish dressing, open all the windows, and head for the park. It’s going to be a lovely day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and we’ll have a picnic and play in the park.”

  “Why can’t we buy hot dogs and french fries like everyone else?” Betsy said, pressing her advantage.

  “That might be a good idea. It’s time we did something different. With relish and mustard, how’s that?”

  “Oh, goody, real hot dogs. We can write and tell Daddy we had hot dogs. He won’t believe us. Will you write it, Mommy, so he truly believes?” Ellie demanded.

  “Absolutely,” Kate said, forcing a smile to her face. “In fact, we’ll have Betsy draw a picture of all of us eating the hot dogs.” She tweaked Betsy under the chin. The child grimaced, her facial muscles stretching into something that resembled a smile. She didn’t forgive easily. “Happy faces, everyone,” Kate said as cheerfully as she could. Finally Betsy grinned, showing the gap between her front teeth.

  “Okay, breakfast in ten minutes. Wash your faces, brush your teeth, brush your hair, and bring the rubber bands to the kitchen. Grizzly bear pancakes this morning for Betsy, and puppy dog pancakes for Ellie.”

  “I’d rather have cornflakes with a banana,” Betsy said stubbornly. “You said pancakes are just for grown-ups because they have too much syrup and it rots your teeth. I don’t want pancakes.”

  “Fine, then you can have cornflakes. Ellie and I will have the pancakes,” Kate said wearily. God, what’s happening to us?

  An hour later, breakfast finished, Kate led the girls outdoors, jackets in hand. “Listen, instead of going into Bakersfield, let’s head for Mojave. It will be something different.”

  “I’d rather go to the park,” Betsy said, nudging her sister.

  “Me too,” Ellie said.

  “Okay. Remember, it was your decision.”

  “Why do you want to go to the desert? They don’t sell hot dogs there,” Betsy said, staring straight ahead, her hands folded primly in her lap.

  “I’m sure they sell hot dogs there. I wasn’t trying to get out of buying them for you. I just thought . . .” She sighed. “Girls, do you think you could be a little more . . . What I mean is, I don’t want us to have any bad feelings. I know you feel angry, Betsy, but anger doesn’t make things better. Just because I’m a grown-up doesn’t mean I don’t forget—”

  “My teacher says no one knows everything,” Betsy volunteered.

  “And your teacher is absolutely right. I’m sorry if I ... I wanted to do everything right. I made a lot of mistakes, I see that now.
Families shouldn’t squabble. From now on if one of us has something to say, that person should say it. The others will listen. We’ll . . . we’ll vote. Let’s vote now to confirm we’re going to vote.” Kate giggled in spite of herself. “Aye means yes and nay means no.”

  “Aye,” cried Ellie.

  “Aye,” Betsy added after a slight pause.

  “Okay, the ayes have it. I feel better, how about you?”

  “Were the pancakes good?” Betsy asked wistfully.

  “See, see, you cut off your nose to spite your face!” Ellie chortled. “Didn’t she, Mommy?”

  “In a manner of speaking, but you aren’t going to say that again. Betsy was making a statement. The next time she’ll explain to us if she doesn’t want something. Do we agree?”

  “Aye,” they chorused.

  When they reached the park, Kate parked the car and followed the girls to the playground.

  “Where’s your knitting and your book?” Betsy asked.

  “I didn’t bring them today. I thought I’d just watch you girls and talk to Della if she’s here.” Colonel Geary’s housekeeper brought the colonel’s children to the park every Saturday. The children played well together, considering the Geary children were boys. Kate spotted Della at a far bench and walked over, the girls in tow.

  Della Rafella was Mexican, a cherub of a woman whose sweet face was always wreathed in a smile. She loved children, animals, and people. She’d been with the Gearys since the boys were born. Francine Geary, Timmy and Teddy’s mother, had left after Teddy’s birth “for greener pastures,” according to Della. Everyone, she said, knew about Francine Geary and her lust for life, men, and wine. She also said Francine had damaged the colonel’s chances of moving up in rank.

  Something was wrong today, Kate could feel it as she sat down on the bench next to her friend, her only friend. “ ’Morning, Della. It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?”

  “I love sunshine even when it’s cold. It’s what I miss most about home. Sometimes I think I should go back.”

  “You could go back for a visit. Goodness, what would the Gearys do without you?” She was stunned to see the woman’s eyes fill with tears.

  “They don’t need me anymore. Colonel Geary is getting married next month, and his . . . his new wife is going to be a mother to the boys. She’s going to clean the house and care for them. Colonel Geary is being transferred. I cried myself to sleep last night. I’ll have to look for a job now, but I’m forty years old. I can’t afford to pay rent and buy food. Housekeeping by the day doesn’t pay that well. With room and board, I just manage to get by. I have very little savings, maybe enough to last a month or so.”

  “Oh, Della, I’m sorry. You can stay with me until you find something. You’ll have to sleep on the couch, though. We’d love to have you.”

  Della’s face brightened. “Truly, you would let me stay with you?”

  “Truly I would.”

  “What happens when Captain Starr comes home?” She answered her own question. “By then I should have a job. Did you get a letter this week, Kate?”

  “No. I won’t be getting any letters for a while.” Kate told her about the chaplain and Major Collier’s visit, fighting her tears as she spoke.

  “This is a terrible thing. Oh, Kate, I’m so sorry,” Della said, wrapping Kate in her arms. “Look, let me come and help you. You need me, Kate. At least until Captain Starr comes home.”

  “Oh, Della, I can’t pay you right now. Once Patrick’s pay is straightened out it will be different. Besides, I can’t bear to stay in base housing. The memories would drive me out of my mind. I’m barely making ends meet now. I’m going to leave base housing and find a job. I really don’t know how to do much of anything but keep house. I have no talents, no job qualifications. But I can’t go back home. I can’t go to my sister, she has three children of her own and a very small house. Patrick’s father lives in one of those retirement villages that doesn’t allow children. And my parents have their hands full with my grandparents. I’ve never worked a day in my life. The only money I ever earned was from baby-sitting, and a little from my sewing. My God, I don’t even know how to operate a cash register. I’ve always stayed home to cook, clean, iron, and take care of the children.”

  “That’s what I do, and it’s a full-time job. Really, Kate. Homemaking is very important.”

  “I wanted to be perfect for Patrick. He’s so smart, he can fly a plane, do all those upside-down things pilots do. I just barely managed to get out of high school. What if he doesn’t come back, Della? What if I’m a widow? I swear I won’t want to live if that happens.”

  “That’s foolish talk. Your husband will come back home. I feel it here.” Della thumped her ample bosom. “I don’t know when, but he will come back to you and those beautiful little girls.”

  “All I’ve been doing is crying and thinking. The girls . . . Betsy sensed something was wrong. This morning she was impossible . . . well, for a little while. Ellie doesn’t really understand. I’m going to buy some newspapers on my way home. I told the girls we’re going to go to the library. I hate to admit this, but I don’t know the first thing about Vietnam. I should know. I should have studied up on it, asked Patrick questions. I don’t know why I didn’t. It doesn’t say much for me. God, Della, how am I going to get through this?”

  “One day at a time. I will help. If you allow me to sleep on your sofa and give me food, I will be your housekeeper. I do not require much, a few cents for church on Sunday. For now it is a solution for both of us, if you are agreeable.”

  “I’m more than agreeable,” Kate said, brightening. “It’s settled, then, we’re a team. I’ll help you and you’ll help me. Do the boys know you’re leaving?”

  “Colonel Geary told them last night. Look at them, they’re so quiet. First they lose their mother, now me, and they’re getting a third mother. Teddy cried all night. Timmy said he’s going to run away. The colonel whacked his bottom and made him do thirty push-ups. It is sad, is it not? Little children should not have to suffer.”

  “When is your last day with the Gearys?” Kate asked.

  “Next Friday.”

  Kate nodded. “I’ll drive down and pick you up after school. Oh, Della, I’m so glad things worked out this way! When God closes one door, He truly does open another. Now, let’s go get the children some hot dogs. It’s my treat. Sodas, too.” She stood up and began walking with Della toward the hot dog vendor, then stopped. “What’s her name?”

  “Whose name?” Della asked.

  “The soon-to-be Mrs. Geary.”

  “Tiffany Wexelworth,” Della said, breaking into her first smile of the day.

  Kate burst out laughing. “May they live happily ever after.”

  Kate spent the following week in a state bordering on hysteria. For hours on end she’d read everything she could on Southeast Asia. She tried making up stories for the girls about the people and the strange land she was coming to despise, but Betsy and Ellie both balked after the third session, at which point she made up stories about a frog and a rabbit, which threw them into fits of giggles. While they colored or played school, she pored over the want ads and apartments for rent. Twice each day she called Della to report on the want ads, and if an apartment appeared promising, Della would check it out and report back on her success or failure.

  By the end of the week she knew nothing more about her husband’s situation. She bristled when she was told about the “government keep quiet policy” and demanded to know exactly what “keeping quiet” meant. Captain Bill Percy, her caseworker, who was cadaver thin with bulging eyes, told her the Air Force felt the communists treated prisoners in a humane and civilized way. “I believe our men are treated well,” he said authoritatively. She didn’t believe it for a minute and insisted on knowing if her husband was a prisoner. Percy looked her in the eye and said, “I don’t know, Mrs. Starr,” to which she replied, “Bullshit!” She blushed furiously but held her ground.

 
; In his report, which grew thicker by the day, Percy wrote, “Possible troublemaker.”

  On Thursday, the day before she was to pick up Della, she called the casualty assistance representative for the fourth time to find out when she could expect to receive her husband’s pay. There was no return call. For the last five months her checks had been late. One month she received two at the same time. Another time she’d missed an entire pay period. She was now a month behind and when she spoke repeatedly to the finance officer all he would say was he was looking into the matter. She then called her insurance agent to see if she could borrow on the family’s insurance policy. With the paperwork involved, she was told the process would take four to six weeks. “We can starve in four to six weeks!” she screamed into the phone before she broke the connection. No one at the insurance office called her back. She then called the finance officer and complained again.

  On Friday, Della’s last day at the Gearys’, Kate picked up Betsy from school and drove to Bakersfield, where the housekeeper tearfully climbed into the car with a suitcase and two paper bags full of her belongings. She leaned over to peck Kate on the cheek before stretching around to chuck the girls under the chin. “I’m here now to take care of you. I will be a mother hen and you three will be my chicks. It is agreed?” she asked.

  “Absolutely. I’ve always wanted to be a chick. Patrick. . . Patrick always said I was his slick chick,” Kate said with half a smile.

  “Daddy said we were his chicklets,” Betsy gurgled. “Chicklets are chewing gum, did you know that, Della?”

  “No!” Della said in mock horror. Betsy and Ellie bobbed their heads up and down. “Well, if your daddy said you were his chicklets, he must have meant you were sweet and tasty.”

  “Is everything all right, Della?” Kate asked, her eyes on the road.

  “It was sad. The boys cried, I cried. I’m starting a new life now. I cannot dwell on sadness, nor should you, Kate. I think I found an apartment. I called the owner last evening and he said we could come to look at it at four o’clock. Are you sure, Kate, that giving up housing on the base is the right thing to do? He said it needs work. It’s by the California state college. There are three bedrooms—two, actually, and one oversized closet the man said could double as a tiny bedroom. If you like it and think you can afford it, I will sleep there.”