To Have and to Hold

by Fern Michaels

  They were all lined up on the front porch, Della, Donald in his wheelchair, Ellie and two of her friends. “What’s taking her so long?” Kate muttered.

  “She’s probably primping,” Donald said, smiling. Kate didn’t respond, and a moment later the screen door banged open just as a taxi pulled to the curb, horn blaring.

  Kate felt a rush of panic. “Why is that taxi here?”

  “I called it, Mother,” Betsy said quietly. “I think it’s best this way. You’re going to get all emotional and embarrass me, and I don’t want that. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”

  “But . . . we agreed.... I planned on driving. . . . Oh, why did you do this, Betsy?”

  “I told you: I think it’s best.”

  There were no hugs, no kisses. With an airy wave, Betsy marched across the porch and down the steps, suitcases in hand. She didn’t look back, didn’t wave a second time.

  “I’ll write and phone once a week,” Kate called after her.

  “Don’t hurry back!” Ellie shrilled.

  “Ellie!”

  “Sorry, Mom. It just slipped out.” Ellie grinned. “See you later. I’m going over to the football field and watch all the guys. I have cheerleader practice at three-thirty, so I might be late getting home for dinner.”

  Kate sank down on the front steps and glanced up at Della, eyes bright with tears. “I don’t believe Betsy did that. It was agreed I would take her to the airport. I would have cried, but I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself or embarrassed her. And a taxi! It’s just the way Patrick left me. My God, what am I doing wrong?”

  Della sat down and cradled Kate in her arms. “This is one more thing you have to get through, Kate. Come on, get up now and come into the kitchen with me and Donald. We’re going to have coffee and a slice of my pineapple upside-down cake, and then Donald is going to go over your business plan with you. That child is going to be just fine, Kate. This might be the best thing for her, getting off on her own. She’ll be in New York, attending a large university, and she’ll make friends. When she comes home for Christmas, she’ll be totally different. She’ll be forced to interact with the other students. And don’t forget she’ll have a roommate. Trust me, everything is going to be fine,” Della crooned.

  “Enough!” Donald roared. “I thought we were going to have coffee and cake!”

  “We are,” Kate said shakily. “I’m all right now. And I want an extra large slice of cake. Do you realize, Della, Ellie will be going off to college next September if she takes two courses next summer? I’ll be completely alone then.”

  “I don’t want to hear talk like that,” Donald said gruffly. “As long as we’re here, you won’t be alone. We’re a family, and don’t you ever forget it.”

  “Oh, Donald, thank you. Every day of my life I thank God for sending you and Della into my life. I owe you so much.”

  “You don’t owe us anything. Without you, I would never have met or married Della. I wouldn’t have my new family. I think we’re pretty much even. Now, can we have the damn cake?”

  “Yes, sir!” Kate said, saluting smartly.

  Dinner that evening was a lively affair, but it was a forced liveliness. The tension was broken at last when Ellie said, “So, okay, I miss her sour puss staring across the table from me. I’m going to miss her hogging the bathroom, too. I might even write her a letter and tell her so.” Kate smiled, which was what Ellie had been angling for. “Now, Mom, let’s get to business. I’ll help Della with the dishes so you and Donald can talk. But I’ll be listening. Remember now, I know numbers and I’m going to be a CPA one of these days. If I pass the exam.”

  “You’ll be the best CPA in the state of California,” Donald said loyally.

  Kate spread her papers out on the kitchen table. “This is my business plan,” she began. “These are all the papers from the Small Business Administration. There are two possible locations I’m interested in renting if the SBA gives me the loan. The rent is reasonable on both offices. One is smaller than the other, but if my business grows, then I might need a larger one. I’ve checked out three used office furniture places, and their things are reasonably priced. I’ve also been in touch with a print shop and know where to get mailing lists for a good price. And my boss said he’d refer his associates to me if they want renderings. What do you think, Donald?” Kate asked anxiously.

  “What I think, Missy Kate, is you have a good thing going here. You’re just the type of person the SBA likes to help, and having Captain Starr in the background won’t hurt you at all. The loan payments are going to be tough for the first year, until you build your clientele. You’ll have to use some of the loan to make the payments, but you can pay that back to yourself later on. You low-balled everything. Lenders like to see that. It’s when you get in over your head that they turn you down.”

  “I just did what you told me. Ellie worked up the numbers. If you two think this is okay, then I’m mailing everything off Monday morning. Until I hear from the SBA, I’m going to see if I can line up some customers. I have enough money put aside to buy one mailing list. I can have a modest printing done. If they turn me down, I’ll work out of the house. When the weather is nice, I can move my drafting table out onto the back porch. Keep your fingers crossed, everyone.”

  “Architectural Renderings by Kate Starr,” Ellie said, dancing around the kitchen. “A crisp black-and-white sign done in script will look soooo nice, Mom. Are you going to write ‘Before’ and ‘After’ on the sign?”

  “No. The clients know that I do one drawing of their project before it gets started and then I do the finished product. It’s understood. Listen, Ellie, we’re going to be living on a shoestring for a very long time. I want to build this business so if I do make a profit, I’ll be putting it back into the business.”

  “Don’t worry about me, Mom. I start my part-time job at the supermarket the last week in September, but I can handle cheerleading, school, and the job. Dates only on Saturday night. No problem there.” She giggled.

  “Okay, as long as you have it all straight,” Kate said.

  “Will there be enough money for tuition?” Ellie asked anxiously.

  “There will be enough. That’s my problem, not yours. Your dad and I took out endowment policies when you and Betsy were born. It will get you through at least two years if you work for your spending money like Betsy is going to do. By then the business should be making a profit and things will be easier. If the business doesn’t work, I’ll get a job and take out college loans.”

  It was mid-December before Kate received word that the SBA had approved her loan. Euphoric, she set about renting office space and furnishing it. She wanted to open her doors January second. “This is going to be such a wonderful Christmas!” she said happily to Della and Donald as all three sat together in the kitchen. “We’ll get this tall, fragrant tree and decorate it. We’ll bake and cook, buy presents, not costly ones, just little mementos. Betsy will be home, and we’ll be a complete family again. I can’t believe how blessed I am. I’m just sorry Patrick isn’t here to enjoy it with us.”

  “You could invite that nice Charlie Clark,” Donald said out of the corner of his mouth.

  “No, I can’t. He’s getting married in February. I told you he was just a friend. All we ever talked about was his lady and Patrick. Evan Carpenter was the same, and so was Douglas Withers. Just friends.”

  “Someday,” Della said sourly.

  “No, Della, not someday. I’m not like that. Until the United States government tells me Patrick is dead, I am still married. He is still MIA. Besides, I haven’t met anyone who even remotely interests me. I have two daughters to put through college and a business to get off the ground. There’s no room in my life for a man.”

  “If you say so,” Della said.

  Kate laughed. “I say so.”

  Unfortunately, Kate’s happiness was short-lived. Later that evening, during dinner, she received a call from Betsy.

  “How
are you, honey?” she cried, pleased. “I hear you have snow in New York.... Yes, everyone is here, we’re having dinner. I have wonderful news.... Oh, you have wonderful news. All right, let’s hear it!” Everyone stopped eating to watch Kate.

  “She’s not coming home for Christmas,” Della and Ellie muttered at the same time.

  “I knew it,” Donald mumbled.

  “If you’re sure that’s what you want to do, Betsy. I’m afraid money is a little tight right now. I can send you fifty dollars, but—No, I’m not a skinflint! I told you money is tight right now. I sent your allowance out the first of the month. It was short because I had to buy your plane ticket. I don’t know if you can get your money back for it. Just remember, Betsy, if you do turn it in, that’s January and February’s allowance. . . . I’m sorry you feel that way. I doubt very much if you’ll starve, since I paid for your room and board.... Yes, Betsy, Merry Christmas to you, too.

  “Betsy won’t be home for Christmas,” Kate said flatly when she returned to the table. “She’s going to Boston to spend the holidays with her roommate’s family. She said her roommate’s father was a pilot in Vietnam and managed to return in one piece and said he’d met Patrick at one point. It’s understandable why she wants to go.”

  “Oh, well, Easter is just three or four months away,” Ellie said, digging into her apple pie. “Then there’s spring break.” The minute she was finished she excused herself, but not before she gave her mother a big hug. Only Della saw the tears glistening in the girl’s eyes.

  Kate carried her plate to the sink. She whirled around. “Look, you two, it’s okay. I think I knew Betsy wasn’t going to be home for Christmas. She won’t be home for Easter, either.”

  “You didn’t get a chance to tell her about the loan and—”

  “I’ll write her a letter after Christmas or in January. She isn’t very interested in what I do these days. If you two want to go home, I can clean up here.”

  “If you carry in the wood, Kate,” Donald said, “I’ll build you a nice fire before we leave. There’s still a few things I can do on my own, and making a fire is one of them.”

  Kate bent over to kiss his weathered cheek. “I don’t think I’ve told you lately how much I love you and how grateful I am for all your support and help. I’m sorry I don’t say it more often, Donald. I wish there were something I could do for you, something meaningful.”

  “Make a success of that business. We got you to this place in time. The rest is up to you. Give it all you got, Kate. We’ll keep things going here for Ellie.”

  Tears slipped down Kate’s cheeks. “He’s not coming back, is he, Donald?”

  “I’m afraid not, Kate. As much as I hate to say this, I think you should press the government to give you answers one way or the other. Make a stink, a real one, whose smell will go all the way to Washington. If you tell me what to do, I’ll do it. You start the ball rolling, and I’ll keep it rolling. I think this family has waited long enough for news of Captain Starr.”

  “You know what? I think you’re right,” Kate said grimly.

  “Atta girl! We’ll make them shudder in their boots. And that’s a promise.”

  “Donald, there are days when I can’t remember what Patrick looks like. I have to haul out his picture. Then I feel guilty. Other days I don’t think about him at all. I feel like I’m letting him down, that I’m not doing my part.”

  “Would you like us to stay with you this evening, Kate?” Della asked.

  “No, you two have done enough for me. I’m fine. Really.”

  “You make it sound like we live miles away. We’re only around the corner,” Della muttered. “You look peaked to me. Maybe you’re coming down with something, it is the flu season.”

  “I’m fine. I wanted this Christmas to be ... oh, I don’t know, special in some way. Starting the new business, you know, doing something on my own. With your help of course,” Kate added hastily.

  “Hold on here,” Donald said briskly. “You did this all on your own. All we did was listen and support you. Don’t you go thanking us for something you did yourself. Don’t you ever take away from your abilities.”

  Kate smiled tiredly. “Patrick would be stunned if he knew what I’ve been doing. I don’t think he ever thought I had the brains to do anything but be a wife and mother. That used to bother me. He is ... was so smart. I always felt inferior. I wanted so desperately to be part of what he did, to at least understand what he was all about, but when I’d ask him to tell me about his day or the missions, he’d start to talk, then remember it was me asking the questions, and he’d kind of smile this ... quirky smile, and say, ‘Kate, you’d never in a million years understand this stuff. Make bread or sew some curtains, that’s what you do best.’ He was right, I wouldn’t have understood, but the next day I would have looked up all the words, tried to find out more so I could talk to him on an intelligent level. But he wouldn’t give me a chance. I gave in too easily. I guess it was better for me at the time to bake bread and sew curtains. What really hurt was that he thought I was stupid. He didn’t have to say the words out loud, I could tell by the way he acted.”

  “It doesn’t matter what he believed, Kate,” Donald said. “You proved you are a woman who can make it on her own. Della and I are so proud of you we could bust, and if the captain was here now, he would be, too. You’ve climbed a mountain to get to this place. You’re going to make a success of this business. Betsy will come back to the fold when she gets all this anger and hurt out of her system. Until she does, you go on with your life and hope for the best.” Donald grunted. “Didn’t know I was so long-winded.”

  “I keep telling you you’re a windbag,” Della said fondly as she tweaked her husband’s ear.

  “I love you two, you know that,” Kate said tearfully.

  After Kate and Della had brought in wood and Donald had gotten a cozy fire going in the hearth, Della and Donald said their good-byes and Kate settled herself in front of the cheerful blaze. How much she owed Donald and Della, she mused. Probably her life, and the lives of her children. She paid Della a pittance to cook their meals and keep up with the house. With the low rent Donald charged, she’d been able to put money aside for Betsy’s tuition. Still, it wasn’t enough. Earlier in the summer she’d been sitting at the kitchen table going over her finances, trying to figure out where she could juggle, whom not to pay so Betsy could go to the school of her choice, when Donald and Della had joined her in the kitchen. Donald had a bankbook in his hand and handed it over. All the deposits were the same, her monthly rent for years. His voice gruff, jerky, he’d said, “Della and I don’t have much use for this. It’s just sitting here drawing interest. I have my pension and the rental from two other houses, so it would please us if you used this for Betsy’s college.”

  “We want to do this, Kate,” Della had added. “We feel like we’re the girls’ grandparents, and grandparents always help out. It’s not a loan, we’re giving it to you. If you have trouble with that, we can call it a loan and you can pay us back when you’re rich and successful.” God, she’d cried that day—no, howled like a banshee would be more like it.

  Later she’d thought about her parents back in New Jersey. She’d asked them for a loan and had been turned down cold. Business wasn’t good, they had the grandparents to take care of. She’d hung up the phone and cried some more. They’d seen her only once in ten years. They never wrote, never called. Gradually she’d stopped calling and writing, too.

  Kate marched out to the kitchen to look for her address book. She always kept it in the cabinet with the tea bags and coffee. She reached for it and flipped it to Bill Percy’s number, not caring that it was ten o’clock at night. She identified herself, went through the amenities, then charged ahead, drawing a deep breath as she did so.

  “I’d like an update, Bill, on my husband’s situation. It’s been eleven years. Surely the government is willing to say something. If Patrick is dead, I want to know that so I can hold a servi
ce. I need to know. I’m not the same weak-kneed person I was when you and I last met. I’ve got a backbone now, and it’s stiff, Bill. With resolve.”

  “You sound like Elizabeth, Kate. I think you two are working at cross purposes here.”

  “Elizabeth who? What are you talking about?” Kate said irritably, certain Percy was going to give her the brush-off, as he had in the past.

  “Come now, Kate,” he said snidely. “Elizabeth Starr, your daughter. Are you saying you don’t know about her involvement in all the groups she’s joined since going East?”

  “No, I don’t know what she’s involved in. But if she is, what of it? At least she’s doing something. Something you and your superiors should be doing, getting me and others like me news of our husbands. Now, I want some answers, and I want them now, damn you!”

  “Would you like me to make up something just to make you happy? I can’t do that, Kate.”

  “Then declare my husband dead or tell me he’s POW. And don’t you ever insult my intelligence by telling me there are no POWs over there anymore. I know there are.”

  “Kate, it’s ten minutes past ten. There’s nothing I can do at this hour. We’re coming up on to Christmas. A lot of the ... officers have taken leave for the holidays. I’ll get back to you in a day or so.”

  “I’ll give you a day or so, but no longer. And you’d better come back to me with news ... information, something concrete.”

  “I’ll do my best,” Percy said quietly.

  “Your best isn’t going to do it this time, Bill. This time you’re going to have to actually do something. Good night, Bill, and ... Merry Christmas.”

  Kate had no idea if the airman returned her greeting or not as she hung up the phone. Now Betsy’s trip to Boston made a little more sense. An overwhelming sense of relief washed over her. The Bill Percys of the world wouldn’t be able to slough off Betsy, she simply wouldn’t allow it. Which doesn’t say much for me, Kate thought.

  Grim-faced, she got out her writing paper and a pen and composed a letter to the President of the United States and one to the editor-in-chief of the New York Times. Both would be ready to mail when Percy got back to her on Friday.