To Have and to Hold

by Fern Michaels

“Captain Starr, I’m waiting for your answer.”

  “Does my family know?”

  “Not yet. No one is jumping the gun here. We take you home, quietly, if you agree to the terms.”

  “I only survived because of Kate. All I did was think about her, about the girls. I always knew I’d get home. Do you pray, Mr. Peterson?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t, not for a long time. I thought God forgot about me. Of course I wasn’t thinking clearly. Why is it when things are the hardest, when it can’t get any worse, people turn to God? It’s almost an afterthought. I thought God wiped me out of the picture, but I knew Kate would never forget me. Kate loved me, loves me,” he said, his voice breaking. “I’ll sign your damn paper, but only because I want to see my wife and children. You’ll have to read it to me since I can’t make out the print.”

  Patrick listened to Peterson’s flat, emotionless voice. “I guess you know I’m signing this under duress. I have no lawyer here to advise me. I want that understood. You’re fucking me over. You know it, I know it, and this asshole sitting next to you knows it.” He signed his name, an illegible scrawl. Later he would tell the truth. For now all he wanted was to get back to Kate, to smell her heavenly vanilla-lemon-scented hair. He wondered if she’d bake a chocolate cake for him. Would it be sitting in the middle of the kitchen table?

  “If you talk, we say you defected,” Peterson said coolly.

  He was crying when he walked out of the bare, cold room in his coarse shirt and baggy wool trousers that hadn’t been washed in a long time. His boots had holes in the soles and were stuffed with rags.

  Jesus Christ! He was going home!

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  “Can you believe we’ve been here a whole week?” Gus asked from the shade of a lush tree.

  Kate finished the banana she was eating. “Time has whizzed by. You know, I never thought I would ever see a rain forest. I’m so happy we came here. It’s a beautiful country, but I wouldn’t want to live here. There’s no place like the good old U.S. of A.,” she said, snuggling in the crook of his arm.

  “What I like best is there are no phones, no newspapers, no radios. I feel so insulated. The word safe comes to mind, but it isn’t the one I’m searching for. I’ll say one thing, though, I’m probably never going to eat another banana.”

  “And give up all this wonderful potassium?”

  “Uh-huh. Have you come up with a date, Kate?”

  “I feel guilty going off and getting married in a strange place. I’d like my girls to be there. At least Ellie. I doubt if Betsy would come. And I want Della, and the girls from the office. We could still get married by the J.P. if you want.”

  Gus cuddled her close. “I don’t care either way. I just want us to be married. Period. I can deal with anything as long as that’s the outcome. Women like that stuff. Men don’t care. A date? I need to hear a date.”

  “What about a candlelight service at a Unitarian church and a small party at the house afterward? We can fly out that night from LAX and be in Hawaii the following morning. Or we can have a dinner party at least, in a hotel in Los Angeles. I haven’t found a dress yet,” Kate fretted.

  “Burlap will do nicely. A date. I’m not hearing a date.”

  “How about Saturday, December fifteenth?”

  “God, you actually set a date,” Gus said in awe. “I’ve been thinking you’d switch up on me or change your mind. It’s a given, then?”

  “It’s a given,” Kate said quietly.

  “Kate, we’ve never really talked about Patrick. Maybe we should. I don’t want . . . what I mean is, I don’t think I could handle it if you made comparisons. I don’t want a third person living with us even if he’s a memory. You have let go, haven’t you?”

  “Of course. Many years ago. Time, my darling, heals just about everything. It’s sad to say, but I can hardly remember what Patrick looked like. I could never compare you to him. You are so totally different, so warm, so caring, so giving. Patrick wasn’t like that. I loved him, though, very much. He was the father of my children. There will be no ghosts between us. I packed up all his pictures and the few things I kept in a drawer that belonged to him. I cried my tears then. Part of me will always wonder what happened to him. I think that’s natural and normal. If I think about him from time to time, I’ll tell you about it. There won’t be any secrets between us.”

  “I love you very much, Kate Starr. I can’t wait to call you Mrs. Kate Stewart. Do you think you’ll have trouble adjusting to your name?”

  Kate laughed, a joyous sound. “Hardly. I practice writing it every chance I get. I guess we’re going to have to get a his and hers checking account. Speaking of checks, when do you think your other brothers and sisters will cash their checks?”

  “I’m hoping by Christmas, so I can wrap up that chapter in my life. I can’t sell that damn estate, though. Seems like no one wants to pay eight mil for it. I dropped the price five hundred thousand and had no takers. Until some moneybags comes along, it’s just going to sit there. The siblings want no part of it. So they say.”

  “Did you keep your share of the money? You should, you know.”

  “Yeah, It’s in an investment account at Merrill Lynch. I got a real savvy broker named Gary Kaplan. Mike Bernstein, the CPA I hired, is just as savvy. They take care of everything. Jeez, I forgot Ed Grueberger, the estate planner I hired. You need to know all this, Kate, in case anything happens to me.”

  Kate went rigid in his arms. “Do not ever use those words to me again. I don’t want to know, don’t want to hear about wills and junk like that. I can’t go through all that. Swear to me, Gus,” she said vehemently.

  “I swear. Okay, okay, relax. Come on, let’s go skinny-dipping before you get your knickers in a twist.”

  Kate was peeling off her clothes as she ran to the water. She dived in, her rump in the air. Gus whooped his delight and followed her, overtaking her with five sure, deft strokes. “Want to make love?”

  “We’ve done that for seven straight days. Why do you think I tricked you into the pool?” Kate gurgled.

  A long time later she said, “That was delicious.”

  Gus hugged her. “Speaking of delicious, what are we having for dinner?”

  “Bananas, crackers, and Hershey bars. It was your idea, Mr. Stewart, for us to go off on our own. We’ll live off the land, you said. The only thing growing on this land as far as I can see is bananas. Take it or leave it. Tomorrow when we get to the airport we can eat real food. Maybe a steak or a chunk of chicken with stuffing and gravy. God, I could eat a whole cow right now,” Kate muttered.

  “Cows give milk. Steers are for meat,” Gus said, nibbling on her ear playfully. “So it wasn’t one of my better ideas. I thought there would be other fruit. I really don’t care what we eat as long as we eat it together. Still, a steak would be nice.”

  “It’s been a wonderful vacation, but I don’t think I want to come back here, do you?”

  “Nah, it’s too primitive. At least we know what we like and what we don’t like. I’m really looking forward to our trip to Hawaii—our honeymoon. As Mr. and Mrs. Gustav Stewart. I didn’t think it would ever happen.”

  “I didn’t either,” Kate said softly. “I love you so much, I ache sometimes just thinking about you. I’m afraid something will go awry, that you’ll meet one of those Gennifer types and not want me. I worry about that. Those numbers won’t go away.”

  “I can’t change the numbers, Kate. But they don’t mean anything to me. They shouldn’t mean anything to you, either. We’re getting married and will spend the rest of our lives keeping each other happy. That’s all that matters to me.”

  “You are the dearest man, Gus Stewart. When I’m seventy years old and drooling, I’m going to remind you of those words. I’d like to make love again, if you don’t mind.”

  “Whatever you want, lady,” Gus said, smothering her face with kisses. “Whatever you want.”

  “I want,�
� Kate purred.

  The following evening, while Gus checked their baggage, Kate presented her tickets to the agent behind the counter along with both passports.

  “Mrs. Starr, there’s a cablegram here for you. One moment while I fetch it.”

  Kate’s heart leaped in her chest. She looked around for Gus and immediately panicked when she didn’t see him. Something must have happened to Ellie or Betsy. “Oh, God, no, please, let them be all right,” she murmured. He was coming toward her, in silhouette, the sun from the doors at his back. She felt herself sway, heard the ticket agent call her name.

  “What’s wrong?” Gus asked, his face masked in worry.

  “Mrs. Starr, I have your cable.”

  She saw Gus reach for it and then felt him lead her away to a quiet area. He fingered the yellow square gingerly. “We have to open it,” he said nervously.

  “I know, but I’m afraid. I just know something’s happened to the girls. Maybe they were in a car accident. I wasn’t there for them. I was off in the damn jungle fucking my brains out. I’m their mother. How long have they had that cable?”

  “I don’t know,” Gus said quietly. He felt something between his shoulders he’d never felt before.

  “Ask. I’m not opening this until I know,” Kate cried. “God, what if they’re dead?” She was talking to herself; Gus was at the ticket counter.

  “Five days.”

  “Five days!” Kate cried in anguish. “Five days!”

  “That’s what she said. Do you want me to open it, or will you do it?”

  “You do it,” Kate said, burying her face in her hands. “Which one? Please, God, don’t make this be serious, whatever it is. Please, God. I’ll do anything. Let my girls be all right.”

  “Kate.”

  Kate looked up, her heart in her eyes. Her shoulders slumped when she saw Gus’s white face. “Which one?”

  “Neither. Your daughters are fine.”

  Kate jumped up, her arms waving wildly. “Thank you, God, thank you! Did the office burn down, what is it? I can handle anything as long as I know the girls are okay. Della! It’s Della, isn’t it?”

  “No, Kate, it isn’t Della. The office didn’t burn down, either. It’s your husband. He’s on his way home. The telegram reads, ‘Dear Mom, a Mr. Peterson called to say he’s bringing Dad home. He wants us all at the house for his arrival.’ It’s signed ‘Ellie.’ ”

  Kate slid to the floor in a dead faint. Gus dropped to his knees to gather her close to him. “Kate, Kate, snap out of it! Come on, we’re going to the bar. We need to talk this over . . . we need to call your daughter. Kate, please snap out of it.” Lightly he whisked his fingers back and forth across her cheek.

  “I don’t believe this,” Kate said when she came out of it and struggled to a sitting position.

  A crowd was gathering. Gus waved them away.

  “This can’t be happening,” she said in the bar as she gulped at the fiery brandy. “It must be a mistake. I don’t know a David Peterson. It’s a mix-up. Twenty years is too long. I’m sure it’s a mistake. We have to call. You do it, Gus. I can’t . . . I don’t . . . please,” she begged. Her eyes rolled back in her head. Gus reached for her, his heart pounding like a triphammer in his chest.

  “Kate,” he said harshly, “get it together. I know this is a shock, but I can’t have you going off the deep end here. We’ll deal with this.” Yeah, sure, he thought, that’s got to be the understatement of the decade.

  Kate shook her head. “It has to be a cruel joke. Something Betsy would do. Gus,” she said frantically, “see if there’s an American newspaper in one of the shops. If what that cable says is true, there will be something in the paper.”

  Kate watched as Gus sprinted off. Watched and waited. A group of college students loaded down with camping gear and backpacks straggled past her, their boombox blasting. She kneaded her thighs and knew she was going to be bruised.

  At last she raised her eyes to see Gus loping toward her, his face white beneath his tan. She wondered how white her own face was. She felt herself start to grieve. “There’s nothing in this paper,” he said, holding up a three-day-old copy of the Wall Street Journal. “Some woman had a copy of the New York Times she’d brought with her yesterday. I asked if I could look at it. There was nothing in it, either.”

  “I told you, it’s a cruel joke of some kind. Who would do such a terrible thing?”

  “The telegram has Ellie’s name on it. She wouldn’t play a joke on you. We have to call her, Kate. As it is, I think we’re going to miss the plane. I have no idea how this telephone system works down here. Then there’s the time difference.” He waited for Kate’s response. His heart and gut told him it was not a cruel joke. And why the hell should anything go his way? All along he’d known it was too good to be true. He’d lived in fear that Kate would change her mind about him, but the one thing, the only thing, he’d never factored into his fear was Patrick Starr’s return.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Kate whimpered. She held up both hands. “I’m not going home. I can’t deal with that. I wouldn’t be able to hold up to all the publicity, living in a fishbowl. They can’t make me go back. Gus, what’s going to happen to us?”

  “You filed for a divorce,” Gus said desperately, knowing it made absolutely no difference. Kate’s first loyalty, her only loyalty, was to her husband, and that left him out in left field without a mitt. He felt like crying. He didn’t want to say it, but the words trembled from his lips, driven by a force he couldn’t control. “You have to go back, Kate. If all this is true, I can’t even begin to comprehend what your husband must be feeling. He deserves . . . to have you and his daughters. I could never fight that.”

  Kate cried softly into a wad of tissues. “I can’t even remember what Patrick looks like. He won’t be the same person. He can’t be the same person. I’m not the same person. Why is this happening to me? I know why,” she said, jumping to her feet. “Because I’ve been unfaithful. God is punishing me.”

  “Kate, honey, you can’t look at it like that. God doesn’t punish his children. He’s sending Patrick home after . . . God, after nearly twenty years. That itself is a miracle in my eyes. How it affects us isn’t important.”

  “My God, Gus, you sound like you’re on his side,” Kate cried desperately. “What about us? What about all the plans we made?”

  Gus dropped to his knees as the loudspeaker called their flight. “Kate, my feelings for you will never change. You have to know that and believe it as well. Because I love you with all my heart and my soul I can ... try to step aside. Let’s call your daughter now and find out what’s going on. That was the last boarding call, so we have time now. We’ve had our shock and we’re going to deal with it.”

  Kate followed him in a trance, her gait stiff-legged. She watched as Gus fished out his calling card, placed the call, and then handed her the phone. She shook her head violently.

  It was an hour before they were able to reach Ellie. Their hands clasped together, Gus and Kate sat on hard plastic seats, eyes glued to the telephone three feet away. When it finally rang, they went to answer it with their hands still locked together. His voice was rough, sounding raspy when he said, “Ellie, did you send the telegram?”

  “Yes, I did, Gus. Can I talk to Mom?”

  “Then it’s real. There wasn’t anything in the papers,” Gus said, as though that fact alone would make it all unreal. “We’re still at the airport, we missed our flight. Ellie, your mother is in shock. She asked me to call. She’s standing right here. Now, tell me what happened.” He sucked in his breath as he listened. Kate stared off into space.

  “The day after you left, a man named David Peterson called me, and then someone else came to my apartment. They had Betsy with them, so they told us together. Dad’s been in Russia all this time. The Vietnam government turned him over to them after he was captured. He’s here in the United States—Washington, I think. They didn’t tell us. All they said was he was in
a holding area. They won’t bring him home until Mom gets here. It’s all hush-hush. Betsy claims to know what’s going on, and she won’t share her information until Mom gets here. She’s like an angry hornet right now. I wouldn’t tell her where Mom was, only that she was on vacation and I’d try and get in touch.”

  Gus’s shoulders slumped. “Why wasn’t anything in the papers? I would think the world would want to know. I’m a reporter, for Christ’s sake! I know about stuff like that.”

  “They know all about you, Gus. Not from me, so don’t think I spilled my guts. Betsy doesn’t know, but they know. They want to talk to you, too, when you get back. But separately. Someone is going to be at LAX at customs. I don’t know who they are. Important people from the government, I guess. How’s Mom taking this, Gus?”

  “She’s in shock, like I said.” They wanted to talk to him. His reporter’s antennae went up and his nose started to twitch. “As I told you, we missed our flight. The next one out is around nine tonight. Can you meet your mother?”

  “Yes. I’m supposed to call Mr. Peterson.”

  “Is this call being monitored?” Gus asked suspiciously.

  “I wouldn’t be a bit surprised,” Ellie said quietly. “These people are ... very cold. They made me feel like I did something wrong. They don’t smile. Look, tell Mom I love her. I love you, too, you big schmuck. Take care of her. She loves you, and don’t you ever for one minute forget it.”

  “All right. See you later.”

  “Well?” Kate said hoarsely, when Gus had hung up.

  He repeated his conversation. “I don’t know what it means. If I were to assume—and a good reporter never assumes—I’d say they’re waiting for you to get home and then they’ll spring this wonderful, joyous homecoming. I’m sure there’s an avalanche of accusations, denials, and all kinds of shit hitting the fan. How the hell did he get to Russia, and why? Somebody is going to have to come up with some answers. Ellie said it’s all hush-hush, so I assume the parties concerned are busy trying to cover their asses.”