Iz the Unmentionable

by Richard J. Dowling

  The first thing that came through the hatch to her left was the barrel of a gun. A long gun. Wielding the cannon as if it were no heavier than a pen, a burly man-machine hybrid prowled into the room. Behind him came a thin companion who would have stood at least eight-feet tall if the Butterbean’s ceilings were higher. The pirates swept the room, checking for attackers. Reassured there was no one else, they trained their weapons on Delacy and Seff.

  “You gonna space yourselves easy?” asked the first pirate. “Or you gonna need persuading?” His face was split down the middle; greasy, pock-marked skin on his right side, the left was chrome. An electronic implant in his left eye socket glowed blue. What could be seen of his left arm was also metallic, as was his left leg—the metal foot clanked when he walked. Perhaps a pirate surgeon had done a cheap reconstruction job on him after an accident, or perhaps he was one of those cultists who believed in merging man and machine in the most painful way possible.

  His companion came close, head bowed to avoid the ceiling, and leered. “Please resist. Please. It’s so much fun when they resist.” This one had taken piercing to a new level. He looked like a collision between a man and a chainsaw. His arms, legs and torso were lined with serrated metal blades. An unwanted thought made Seff wince—what would it be like for this guy’s wife?

  She forced her attention back to her cards, then tossed a blue chip onto the pile. “You’re too late for this hand. But you’re welcome to join the next round. Assuming you didn’t come with your pockets empty.”

  “What?” said the first pirate.

  The second pirate stepped back to consult with his comrade. “Vurt, I think she’s saying we’re welcome to join the game, but we’ll have to wait for—”

  “Shut up, Gorix. I know what she said.”

  “I’m sorry, Vurt. You looked confused, is all.”

  “Confused?” The human half of Vurt’s face went scarlet. “What do you mean confused?”

  “Nothing, Vurt.” The serrated man held up a hand. “I meant nothing.”

  Vurt aimed his cannon at Gorix’s heart. “You think I don’t know what I’m doing? Is that it? You want to end up like Teleq? Do you?”

  “Please, Vurt. No one wants to end up like Teleq.”

  Vurt sniffed the air. Whatever he smelled, fear or submission, calmed him down. “Good. You’ve always been a true pal, Gorix. I’d hate to lose you.”

  When Gorix nodded he bumped his head on the ceiling. “Ow! These modern shuttles have no fupping headroom. What do we do with these weirdos then?”

  Vurt came right up behind Delacy, whose hands were shaking. “We space ‘em and we take their ship as booty.”

  Seff placed her cards on the table. “Three rocket kings,” she announced, “and a pair of Martian Queens.”

  Gorix peered over Vurt’s shoulder. “Ooh, that’s a Complete Habitat right there. Well done!”

  Vurt turned to his associate. “What are you doing?”

  “It’s a good hand,” Gorix explained.

  “I don’t care what type of hand it is. We’re here to—”

  Delacy interrupted, his voice quivering. “Four clones,” he said, and laid his cards out.

  “What?” said Vurt. The human side of his face wrinkled in disbelief. “That’s an impossibility. A Complete Habitat followed by Four Clones? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

  Gorix chuckled. “What a turn up for the books, eh? Yeah, I have to admit I thought your female companion there was a dead cert.” He slapped Delacy on the back. The top executive shrieked with fear, then tried to cover it up as excitement.

  Seff pushed the pile of chips in Delacy’s direction. “Well done.”

  Vurt hefted his gun. “Yes. Well done. Anyway, now that you’ve bagged your takings it’s time for us to do the same.”

  Seff nodded at his weapon. “What are you going to do with that?”

  Vurt frowned. Then he turned to look at Gorix. “Did she just ask me what I’m going to do with this, Gorix?”

  “That she did, Vurt. That she did.”

  “Just wanted to be sure.” He pointed the barrel of the gun at Seff’s nose. “Okay. You asked me what I’m going to do with this. I’ll tell you. I’m going to blow a hole in your head the size of a melon.”

  “What kind of melon?”

  “What do you mean? What fupping difference does it make?”

  “Well, on Laximeer, for instance, the melons are quite small.”

  Gorix clicked his fingers. “She’s right, there, Vurt. They’re more like oranges really.”

  “Well, which planet has big melons?”

  Delacy looked up at him. “The Playboy Planet?”

  Vurt scowled. “Let’s make this simple. I’m going to kill you both. The only question—”

  “No, you’re not,” said Seff.

  “What is wrong with these people? Can’t you see the guns? Don’t you know we’re pirates?”

  “Maybe they didn’t hear the jingle, Vurt?”

  Delacy put his hand up. “I heard the jingle.”

  “You did? Thank god! I’d hate to have put in all that work for nothing. Just, out of curiosity, not important really, but what did you think?” Gorix’s eyes went wide in anticipation.

  “I liked it.”

  “You did?”

  “I mean, what a catchy melody. And the words...”

  “Oh, that makes me so happy.” Gorix beamed like a child.

  Vurt gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder, one of the few places not laced with metallic blades. “We’re proud of our Gorix, we are. We’ve had a lot of compliments on our jingle.”

  Seff said, “It was entertaining and informative. After all, without the jingle we could have taken you for any type of violent boarding party.”

  Vurt cleared his throat. “Well, it’s been nice, this little chat. But we must get back to business. While I applaud your taste in music, it is time for you to get spaced. So will you do the classy thing and walk yourselves out the airlock, or are you going to make us haul your dead bodies?”

  Delacy stared wild-eyed at Seff. Gone was the swaggering top-executive; now there was only a trembling mass of blubber. “What are we going to do do?” he pleaded.

  Seff picked up the deck of cards and began to shuffle.

  8

  “Fair enough,” said Vurt. “Second option it is.” He raised his cannon.

  Seff stopped shuffling. “What are you going to tell Iz?”

  “Iz?”

  “Iz the Unmentionable.”

  “Pardon?”

  “After you kill two of his most trusted operatives and steal one of his shuttles, what are you going to tell Iz the Unmentionable, Bringer of Doom?”

  Vurt looked around in confusion.

  Gorix stepped forward. “Who’s this Iz?”

  “You’ve never heard of Iz the Unmentionable? Bringer of Doom? Slayer of the Five Worlds?”

  The pirates looked at each other and shrugged. “Should we have?” said Vurt.

  “Are you new in this sector?”

  “Well, the Benevolent Friends are branching out, see? So, in that sense, yes, I guess you could say we are somewhat new to this neck of the woods.”

  Gorix raised a finger, “But the Benevolent Friends have a wealth of experience in pirating.”

  “Oh, yes,” agreed Vurt. “Decades of plundering. Just not in the Laximeer system.”

  Seff put an elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her palm. “So, you didn’t clear this with Iz the Unmentionable, Bringer of Doom, Slayer of the Five Worlds and Eternal Nemesis of the Foolish?”

  “Not as such. No. But we’re the Benevolent Friends! We do what we fupping like, don’t we Gorix?”

  Gorix looked down at the floor. “Well, that depends Vurt. Maybe you should have cleared things with this Iz.”

  “Now, look here Gorix. Don’t you try and pin this on me. We both made the decision. Pirate democracy, remember?”

  Seff said, “Didn’t you se
e the markings on our ship?”

  “Markings?”

  “On the hull.”

  Gorix smiled. “Ah, the space graffiti”

  “It’s the symbol of Iz the Unmentionable, Bringer of Doom, Slayer of the Five Worlds, Eternal Nemesis of the Foolish and Scourge of Unlicensed Pirates.”

  Vurt pulled at the hair on the left side of his head. “Aargh! If you say that name one more time I’m going to fupping explode.”

  Gorix patted his companion on the back. “There, there, Vurt. Take it easy. Remember what the med-computer said. You’ve got to keep your stress under control.”

  “I know, Gorix. But it’s these fupping amateurs. They don’t know how to be boarded and spaced like proper victims. And all this stuff about Iz the Unforgiving. It’s ridiculous.”

  “Iz the Unmentionable,” Seff corrected. “Though you’re right. He’s not very forgiving. In fact, it’s referenced in one of his titles. Number 52, I think. Anyway, my point is, he will kill both of you. And everyone you know. And everyone they know. Have you heard of the Vjang?”

  “No.”

  “There you go. They’re dead. The whole planet. Just because one of them commented that Iz had a funny name.”

  Vurt’s human side went red. “That’s enough! You’re making this up. There is no Iz the Unmentionable.”

  Seff leaned back in her chair and folded her arms behind her head. “Check with your boss if you don’t believe me.”

  Gorix nodded his head. “That seems like a good idea. We could do that.”

  “No, it isn’t,” snapped Vurt. “Send a message through the Node about how we’re trying to steal a shuttle craft? The space police will be here before we could sign off. Plus. Do you know how long it would take for a message to reach the Benevolent Friends through the Hyperspace Network? And the response to come back? We’d be waiting for hours.”

  “What do we do then?” asked Gorix.

  Vurt aimed his cannon at Seff. “We do what the Benevolent Friends do best.”

  “Write a jingle?”

  “We kill and we plunder.”

  “Oh right. Yes, of course.”

  Gorix hefted his weapon and circled round the table until he was staring Delacy in the face.

  “Stop,” cried Delacy. “She’s lying.”

  “What?”

  Seff leaped from her chair and pushed the table over. “Damn you, Delacy!” The executive fell back onto the floor in surprise. But before Seff could attack, Gorix grabbed her by the collar and held her up in mid-air, her legs dangling.

  Delacy scrambled to take cover behind Vurt, unable to meet Seff’s glare. “Everything this woman told you is a lie,” he said. “There is no Iz the Unmentionable. Her boss runs a taxi service. She made it all up to scare you off.”

  Seff kicked and struggled. “You scum, Delacy!”

  Vurt chuckled. “I knew it. I knew it all along. See Gorix? She made it all up.”

  “Good old Vurt. Always right.”

  “I knew there was no such person as Iz the Unmentionable. What a ridiculous name.”

  Delacy crept around Vurt until they were face to face. “So, now that I’ve helped you, will you let me go free?”

  Vurt grunted with laughter. Gorix joined in.

  “What’s so funny?” asked Delacy.

  9

  Vurt shoved Seff through the makeshift dock that led into the pirate’s ship. He explained that because the Butterbean’s boarding hatch was now connected to the Delight, the only way to throw them into space was through the pirates’ other airlock, on the far side of their vessel.

  From somewhere behind she heard Delacy yell. She turned just in time to see him fall.

  “Help him up,” said Gorix.

  “With pleasure,” said Seff. She grabbed the executive by his hair and yanked.

  “Ow!”

  “You’re a disgrace.”

  Delacy rubbed his head. “To whom?”

  “To everyone.” Seff pushed him forward.

  The interior of the Delight was dimly lit. While her eyes adjusted to the darkness, her nose was attacked by a smell that reminded her of the sewer on Efaskni Two, where superstitious locals used to bathe in the belief that it would cure all illnesses. They were kind of right, though, as the dead suffered no disease. She buried her nostrils into the nook of her arm.

  Junk lined the corridor. Discarded motors, broken weapons and other unidentifiable scraps of flotsam. Seff picked her way with care. It had been a while since her last medical-nanite update. Even a scratch could prove fatal in such an environment.

  As they journeyed further into the bowels of the ship, Vurt and Gorix bellowing threats and jabbing with their guns, the corridors grew tighter until they were wading hip-deep in rubbish.

  Delacy said, “There’s no need for this. My company will offer a huge ransom to get me back alive.”

  “Right,” said Vurt. “We’ve heard that one before.”

  “It’s true. Ow! Why didn’t you warn me about that metal spike? I could have impaled myself.”

  Seff ignored his complaint. “Would your company pay for me too?”

  “God, no. Why would they? You’re just a shuttle pilot?”

  Seff turned and launched herself at Delacy. She got a couple of jabs to his face in before Vurt pulled her off.

  Delacy clutched his face. “What did you do that for?”

  Vurt said, “His kind will never understand.”

  “Okay,” said Gorix, now bent double to navigate the tiny space. “We’re there. Here’s the airlock.”

  “Yep,” agreed Vurt. “There’s the hatch.”

  “It’s time,” said Gorix.

  Seff waited. The hatch didn’t open. She turned back round.

  Vurt noted her confusion. “Oh, we have to do this first.”

  “What?”

  Music sounded over a tannoy.

  “It’s the Benevolent Friends’ death jingle,” explained Gorix.

  “Just a little mark of respect. We’re not barbarians, you know.”

  Music piped up on the tannoy. “It’s time for you to die,” sang a cheery voice. “Don’t ask why! It’s just a fact of life. In an uncaring universe!”

  Delacy vomited. The contents of his stomach floated around him on top of the rubbish.

  Vurt and Gorix looked expectant.

  Seff said, “I think it’s lovely. Nice touch.”

  Both pirates exhaled with relief.

  “You do?” said Gorix. “Really? I mean you’re not just saying that?

  Delacy struggled to straighten himself. “I think it’s the best piece of music I’ve ever heard. Mozart has nothing on you.”

  Gorix levelled his gun at Delacy’s nose. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s the meaningless praise of a sycophant. And in case you didn’t notice, we’re at the airlock, which means I don’t have far to move your corpse.”

  Delacy collapsed, almost vanishing in the rubbish. Just then, drowning out his frantic bleating, a notification beeped over the tannoy.

  “That’s strange,” said Vurt.

  “An incoming transmission? Nobody knows we’re here.”

  “You did check for ISA space police, didn’t you, Gorix?”

  “Well, sure I did, Vurt. The coast was clear.”

  Seff folded her arms. “You’ll be lucky if that’s the space police. Take my word for it.”

  Vurt looked at her quizzically. He ordered his ship to open the channel. “Who is this?”

  “What the fup do you mean ‘who is it?’?” barked an angry voice in response. “I’ll tell you who the fup this is. I’m Iz the fupping Unmentionable and I’m going to nail your testicles to the hull of your ship. Do you hear me?”

  Vurt and Gorix stared open-mouthed at each other.

  “I think it’s Iz the Unmentionable,” said Gorix.

  “Of course, it’s Iz the Unmentionable,” said the voice on the tannoy. “I fupping told you, didn’t I? Now, who the fup are you? I need names so
I can exterminate your whole family.”

  “Um,” said Vurt.

  “Er,” said Gorix.

  “Hurry the fup up. My weapon ship has you locked in its sights.”

  The pirate vessel rocked. Seff reached out a hand to steady herself.

  “That was just a warning shot,” said Iz.

  “The automatic defence systems will kick in,” said Vurt. “We’ll be okay.”

  The vessel rocked again.

  “Did you feel that?” said Iz.

  “Er, yes,” said Vurt.

  “That was your automatic defence systems being destroyed. The next volley will annihilate you. Then I vow to sterilise your homeworlds.”

  “Stop,” said Vurt. “We don’t want to die.”

  “You should have thought of that before you attacked my best pilot.”

  “We didn’t know she worked for you.”

  “Didn’t know? What about the markings on the hull?”

  “Markings? We thought it was space graffiti,” explained Gorix.

  “Space graffiti? What the fup are you talking about, ‘space graffiti’? You killed my best pilot. I demand vengeance.”

  “No!” said Gorix. “She’s alive.”

  “Revenge is a dish best served… Wait, what did you say?”

  “We haven’t killed her. Look, we can prove it.”

  Vurt nodded at Seff, who said, “It’s true, oh great Iz. I’m still alive.”

  “I thought they’d have blown you out the airlock by now.”

  “No,” said Seff. “They’re really quite inefficient.”

  “They’re alive and well,” said Vurt. “Both of them. So, if you’ll just let us live they can go back on board their shuttle—”

  “Their beautiful shuttle,” added Gorix.

  “—their exquisite shuttle, and we’ll dump our ship’s weapons and leave the sector. There must have been a major cock-up back at pirate headquarters.”

  “Just a moment,” said Iz.

  Vurt and Gorix waited. Time itself seemed to slow down at Iz’s command.

  “You said, ‘both of them are alive’. What do you mean, ‘both’?”

  “The girl pilot,” said Vurt. “And the other one. The posh fat thing. The one who told us that the girl was lying when she said she worked for you.”