by C. A. Harms
“It’s not me that you need to be asking those questions of, Blair.” Krista never let me have the easy way out. “You’re the only one that holds those answers, babe. This is your life and Isabelle’s.”
I hate that there are no easy answers to this mess, but I get what she is saying. I’m the one who holds onto those memories, those fears. I’m the one who has been wronged. It’s up to me.
“He’s here for Isabelle,” I say with a firm nod, standing tall and squaring my shoulders. “This is not about me, or him. It’s about Iz meeting her daddy and them getting the chance to build a connection. Nothing else matters.”
I ignore the way she throws out that are you sure look she often gives. Bending over, I quickly pick up my mess, wipe away any excess from the floor, then toss the rag and all into the bin. “I have customers,” I say over my shoulder as I step back out through the swinging doors into the dining area.
Immediately my eyes find him, zoning in on him like he’s the only person seated in my area. And as if he feels me too, he lifts his gaze and instantly a grin covers his lips. I may still hold a grudge, I may still be hurt beyond belief that he wasn’t honest with me from the start, but nothing can diminish the pull I feel toward this man. From the first time I saw him behind the bar at Miller’s, I swear he reached inside me and held my heart in the palm of his hand. I want to hate him, I want to ensure that what I felt for him will never resurface, but I know in that very second living by those rules will be difficult.
I force my legs to move, but with each step I feel my stomach growing tighter and tighter.
“Sorry, I know I’m early.” He doesn’t wait for me to say anything as I pause near the end of his table. “I did try to waste time driving around town, even looked at a few places with a Realtor® today.”
Though he already mentioned once finding a more permanent place here in town, hearing it again once again gets my nervous energy going.
“But then I ended up here and sitting in the car for over an hour got difficult, so here I am.” Jake shrugs, leaning back in his seat as he tosses his arm over the back of the booth.
I had the words I wanted to say etched out in my mind on my way over to the table, but suddenly I can’t remember them. So instead I stand there staring at him, looking like some kinda fool, I’m sure.
“Figure I’ll eat something.” He points toward the menu he has stretched out in front of him. “What’s good?”
“Anything.” My voice squeaks. His eyebrows shoot up and his forehead crinkles. I quickly clear my throat, lifting my notepad from the front of my apron and focus on it instead. “But I’m biased because Wilber is by far my favorite boss and I wouldn’t speak a harsh word about him or his menu.” Just pick something, anything.
“In that case, let me have the…” His mouth moves but I don’t hear the words. Or maybe I hear them but they don’t register in my mind. “And can I get extra jalapeños in that? All chicken though, no shrimp.”
I nod, staring at the notepad because sooner or later the guy is gonna catch onto the fact I was staring at his mouth, his eyes, and his hands.
“The fajitas are my favorite.” I look to my left to see Carol standing there just as she sets an iced tea on the table. When she offers me a wink, I feel my cheeks heat. She’d caught me, that’s obvious. I’m thankful she swooped in to rescue me though, now that I don’t have to have Jake repeat his order. Or worse, get him something he didn’t even want.
“I’ll go put this in.” I step back leaving them to socialize. I know eventually everyone in town will know who he is to me and to my daughter. It’s only a matter of time.
For the next thirty minutes or so, I do all I can to ignore the fact that Jake is here. I wait on the rest of my customers as if my entire world isn’t shifting beneath my feet. I smile, though I can feel it is forced. I laugh along with the customers who share humorous stories or funny jokes. I even make it a point to ask if things are okay as I quickly hurry from one location to the next.
Five minutes before my shift ends I look toward the door just in time to see Will and Marcy stepping inside, with Matthew and Isabelle in tow. They pause near the door as they look behind them just before Shawn steps inside.
And my heart sinks.
Since he knows the guys, he has met Izzy a time or two. So when he reaches out and skims his finger over her cheek, then leans in closer to talk to her, I instantly look over at Jake to see if he notices.
Seeing his nostrils flaring as he also looks in the direction of the door confirms he definitely notices.
“She looks just like her beautiful mom.” I jump at the sound of Shawn’s voice. They’d moved in closer and were now only a few feet away without me even realizing it. All I can think is He is a complete idiot. Besides her little toe on both feet that had a slight bend just like mine, Isabelle looks nothing like me.
Shawn reaches out and places his hand on my hip before leaning in and pressing a kiss to my cheek. The entire gesture throws me off as my eyes widen in surprise.
“We were just telling Shawn that Isabelle’s daddy is in town.” I can instantly see the apologetic look that covers Marcy’s face. “He showed up to see if he could catch you before you left.”
“You’ve been dodging my invites for that second date,” Shawn smiles and I just want to punch him. How can one person be so dense?
I don’t get the opportunity to decline. I don’t even have to turn around to know that Jake is standing behind me. Will, Marcy, and even Shawn are looking over my shoulder.
“I’m Jake.” His deep raspy voice rings out and covers me like a smoldering blanket. “This little beauty’s daddy.” He points toward Isabelle, who is safely tucked against Will’s chest.
Shawn seems so out of place as he stands there with a displeased look on his face. It’s almost like he feels he has some entitlement over Jake when it comes to Izzy and even me.
“I’m Will. I believe you know my sister Whitney?”
“I do.” Jake places his hand against Will’s outstretched palm and they share a firm shake. “This is my wife, Marcy, and our son, Matthew.”
“Nice to meet you all.” Jake steps closer and I can feel the heat of his body now pressing to my side. Marcy offers a smile, before her gaze meets mine and she wags her brows. Yes, I know he’s very easy and I do mean easy on the eyes.
“I’m Shawn.” He shifts his body like a standoff to Jake and offers a nod in my direction. “I’m a close friend of Blair’s.” It’s my turn to narrow my eyes at Shawn. He can’t be serious right now. “Funny thing is she never mentioned anything about Isabelle’s father. Only that he wasn’t in the picture.”
“Shawn, I—”
“I am definitely in the picture.” The tone of Jake’s voice suddenly reminds me of one I’d heard before, only not from his lips. Chills cover my arms and the back of my neck and I suddenly feel as though I’m thrown back into that horrific night that took place over a year ago. My hands shake even though I try to hide the trembling. “Had I known that I had a daughter, I would have been here a lot sooner.”
Chapter Eight
Jake
Who the hell does this guy think he is? And does he really think his pathetic attempt at staking some type of claim is really gonna work? I don’t give a fuck what kind of relationship he has with Blair. Well, I do, but at this point it doesn’t seem he is as close to this group as he is putting on. The looks on their faces definitely say otherwise.
I can see Blair’s hands trembling as she holds them down at her sides. This isn’t the time for me to put on a show. It sure as hell isn’t the place for me to show this guy that I don’t give two shits about what he thinks he has over me. He doesn’t have a thing.
“Now that I know I have a daughter…” I place my hand on Blair’s shoulder and give it a soft squeeze. She leans back into my touch and that is confirmation enough that what I think to be true is accurate. This guy is nothing special. “…I’m here to stay.”
Will must have picked up on the tension because he steps forward, blocking Shawn’s view of me. At this point all I can see is Isabelle. Her big beautiful eyes stare back at me as she chews on her fingers that are securely placed in her mouth.
My chest aches at the vision before me, this perfect little girl who knows nothing of my past. Everything I’ve done, all the wrong words I’ve spoken, none of it matters. This is my chance to make it all right. She is so innocent and pure, and she is mine. I squeeze Blair’s shoulder just a little tighter as I fight the emotions that build within me.
I want to reach for her, but I’m also so terrified of making a move. I’ve never felt so raw in my life, and suddenly she blurs as tears fill my eyes.
“Do you wanna hold her?” It’s Will who asks me and even though I can’t see clearly, there is absolutely nothing I want more. I nod my head and blink, feeling the tears run over my cheeks just before Isabelle is placed in my arms.
Here we stand in the middle of a restaurant, making one hell of a scene, but I couldn’t care less. This is my moment, one I’m not willing to part with.
I hug her close and feel the slobber goo that is all over her cheek smear against my neck. Mine is the only word that comes to mind. It may be wrong of me, but again I don’t care, I only react. I place my free hand on Blair’s hip and pull her close, hugging the two most important people in my life securely.
“Thank you,” I whisper, not just to Blair for giving me such a beautiful gift, but to Will and Marcy for simply loving this amazing little girl—my daughter.
“Let’s get you two some privacy.” I don’t question Will as he suddenly ushers us toward the back of the dining area. “Wilber said to take his office.”
I look up just in time to see us being nudged into a room with a desk and large couch in the corner.
“I was told to tell you to take all the time you need.” I give him a thankful nod, still unwilling to release Blair or my little girl.
I hear the door close behind us and Blair tries to pull back, but I hold her tighter.
“Not yet.” Please not yet. I want to hold them for as long as I can. I want to make up for the time I have already lost, for the times when she needed someone and I wasn’t there.
“I can never express just how sorry I am,” my voice shakes as I fight to get the words out, “for everything. I hurt you Blair. I should have fought harder to keep you safe. I should have gone to the police sooner. I never should have…” I take in a deep breath, feeling Isabelle start to squirm against me.
I release my hold on Blair though it is the last thing I want to do.
I gently bounce Izzy, feeling odd in my attempt to quiet her. I’ve never held a baby before; I was never presented with the opportunity. But with her, it feels natural in some strange way. I guess, maybe, because I know she is a part of me.
“She’s amazing, Blair.”
“She is.” Her voice shakes and I look away from our daughter to see Blair’s eyes are reddened and wet from the tears she too is shedding. “She likes when you pat her back.” Blair uses her hand to show me with my own how to comfort our daughter. “I sing to her sometimes, well mostly in the car because she hates to be in a car seat, and always nursery rhymes. Sometimes at night too, when it’s dark and she’s having a hard time falling asleep, or I talk to her.”
“Talk to her?” I ask, noticing the way Blair quieted after she realizes what she said. She nods her head. “About what?”
“Anything.” Crossing her arms over her chest she watches our daughter instead of me. “Everything,” again she pauses, “I’ve told her about how you.” She looks at me. “My version never includes the part I just want to forget, though.”
The deep guilt and regret settles in me once more. I’m well aware that the apologies I just gave her only minutes ago have been forgotten. I also know it’s gonna take time. Talking about our daughter has quickly taken the place of everything else. For now I’ll accept that, but later I’ll tell her all over again how sorry I am when she has no other choice but to hear me. I’ll say it every day if I have to until somehow, someway, we can move beyond our past.
“Her birthday?”
“January nineteenth,” Blair smiles as she holds out her hand and pushes back Isabelle’s hair to place a kiss to her forehead, “at two-fifty-two am, after almost eighteen hours of labor.”
I close my eyes as another round of regret fills me over those times I’ve already missed. “I don’t want to miss another second of her life.” I want to say the same of Blair’s too, but I hold those words back…for now.
“So how do we do this?” I understand what she is asking, and it would’ve been so easy right then to tell her that I want a life full of memories that overflow with nothing but her and Isabelle. It would’ve been easy to tell her that we should forget everything from our past and start fresh. Only I know that isn’t possible. If I want this, her and my daughter with nothing between us, I have to do this right.
“We’ll figure it out,” I assure her as I take her hand in mine. Looking between her and Izzy I feel overwhelmed with more love and appreciation than I’ve ever felt for any two people before in my life. “I’ll take everything you give me Blair, because a lifetime isn’t gonna be enough time to love her like I want to. I need her to understand how much I love her already and I know that with each day it’s only going grow.”
I know she gets it, I can see the love in her eyes as I watch her watch our daughter. We did this, even in a time when everything around us was falling apart, we created this perfect mixture of us. We made this life and I can damn well guarantee I’ll do everything I have to do to keep her safe. To keep both of them safe. I won’t fail them; I won’t fail Blair, not again.
Chapter Nine
Blair
“That was pretty intense.” Whitney sits down on the couch next to me and twists around to face me, tucking her legs in close. When she holds out the glass of wine, I take it without hesitation. Lifting it immediately to my lips I take a generous gulp, welcoming the sweet taste.
“I’ve always been honest with you.” I nod because she has. “That scene tonight, it both broke my heart and mended it. The way he held onto her like she was his lifeline, you could just see it in his eyes, Blair. He loved her instantly.”
“I know.” Tears cloud my vision and I close my eyes, taking in one slow breath after another.
“And you.” I open them once more and find her staring at me. “He loves you too.”
I shake my head.
“You didn’t see what I saw. He messed up and truth is I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him for the hand he played in that mess. But not for a minute do I believe that he ever intended to hurt you. I think in some crazy way he felt that accepting that task from his sick father, in turn he was keeping you safe. Because if he hadn’t been the guy to play that role, it would have been someone else, and we both know that things could have been a lot worse. He was stuck with doing the wrong thing or letting some innocent girl get trapped in a world of destruction.”
“I still got trapped.” I take another drink of the wine I hold, welcoming the taste that soothes the dryness in my throat.
“We both saw the condition of his face that night he showed up at my apartment.” He looked awful and my heart hurt, thinking of what he’d gone through that caused such damage. “He obviously put up a fight to get to you.”
I know everything she is saying is true, but it still doesn’t ease the pain of his betrayal.
“I won’t stop him from seeing Izzy.” Not after all I know now. He loves her, and in my heart I know without a doubt he’d never hurt her.
“And you?”
“For now that’s all I can give him.”
He still reminds me of a time I need to forget. When I look in his eyes, though they are gorgeous, they still bring back Gabe’s callous, hateful look. His eyes are both a hard and sweet addition. Hard because they are the eyes he shares with such an evil man. Sof
t because they are also the same eyes he shares with our daughter.
Whitney and I sit in silence as my heart and head battle it out over what I should do next—how to share Izzy without losing the independence I’ve been building for myself. A huge part of me wants more with Jake then simply sharing her. But the fear in me, that haunting despair, reminds me how I felt a year ago. I don’t want to be that girl ever again.
“Will said Shawn tried to claim you.” I allow my head to hang forward as I fight the laughter that bubbles up in my chest. “Like he owned you or something. She’s mine, you back off, the whole banging on his chest and peeing on your leg kinda shit.”
“It was so ridiculous.” I lift my head to meet her gaze and find she is smiling wide. “He’s a nice guy, truly he is. But honestly, I just want to beat your brother for ever guilting me into that first date. He’s like a bug you can’t swat away.”
“Will told my dad that he thought he was gonna have to referee a full out claim the woman match.” I can almost imagine their father smiling as he listened to Will lay out the scene before him. “All Dad had to say about it was that any man that stands between a father and his daughter deserves to get a beat down.”
“Sounds like your dad.”
Again the silence settles in as we both sit there in the dark, drinking our wine.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I nod, though I’m not sure. I feel like one day I could be, but right now I still feel so torn, so raw.
“No matter what happens, whatever choices you make, know I’m on your side.”
“I know.” She always has been.
“I’m gonna head to bed.” Whitney leans in and kisses my temple. “I love you Blair, and I love that little girl in the next room like she’s my own. I don’t care what happens, nothing and no one will ever trump that. You two come first, you always will.”