To the Victor

by Samantha M. Derr

  Our mouths fused together until I wasn't sure where the taste of him ended and I began. I melted onto the grass, rolling underneath him, and I could feel him trembling on top of me. I reached my hands under his jacket again, removing it. Strips of silk were wrapped tightly around his chest, crisscrossing over his torso and around his back, and they felt smooth to the touch. I caressed them gently as I rubbed my hands over his skin.

  His arms closed around me. I could feel his hands floating over my face, my hair, undoing my braids, and then the closures of my dress. My breasts fell free, and he devoured them hungrily, his mouth closing over first one, then the other. I could feel my body temperature rising with each skillful lick and tug, when suddenly he plunged two fingers inside of me. The heat boiled over and I erupted like a volcano, clenching my legs around his back as sensation crested through me. I felt delirious with need. I'd missed him so.

  "How do we…?"

  He kissed me again, and the words disappeared down his throat as he removed his hose. I saw that his codpiece was empty, and behind it was a tube of bright red fabric, stitched up the sides and around both ends so that it was completely closed. It was filled with something, so that it didn't lay flat; instead, the width of the tube was about two inches thick, and the length of it eight inches long. When I touched it, it was soft yet firm. It was heavy in my palm.

  "What's inside of it?" I asked in wonder.

  He grinned sheepishly. "Sand."

  Silk straps similar to the ones on his torso secured the red tube to his waist, and he tightened them before maneuvering himself on top of me.

  "Are you completely sure, my Lady?"

  I placed my hands over his, guiding him towards my center. "Completely."

  With a moan, he plunged into me.

  *~*~*

  We lay naked in the grass, wrapped in each other's arms.

  "Tell me more about your horse," he said. "I watched you from the glen as you approached." He nodded to a dense patch of trees nearby.

  "I've had Harith five years now. She was the last present I ever received from my parents, but my father bought me my first horse when I was a girl of only five," I said with a smile. "I've loved the animals ever since I was a child, and my parents spared no expense on our stable. I was even taught to ride astride, to the horror of fine society." I shrugged. "My parents wanted whatever made me happy. When I ride, I can remember them so clearly."

  "I truly wish my father and I could have spoken before his death. After he found out I had joined the military, he refused to speak to me again, and my brothers followed suit. My mother alone wrote, long letters detailing how they were doing until she, too, passed."

  I was aghast. "It is not considered an honor to fight for your country? And you were knighted!"

  "A highest honor," Amir nodded. "But my father felt it… inappropriate for someone like me. And, by technicality, it is illegal. He surely would have disparaged the monks and abbots of your book, as well."

  A flash of fury burned through me. "He was a fool, then. You are the most valiant man that I have ever known."

  He smiled. "You haven't known me very long."

  Just like that, my anger dissipated. "Only Charlotte can placate me that quickly," I remarked. "You have a knack."

  "I've experienced my fair share of women's tempers," he said, shaking his head. "And speaking of your Lady-in-Waiting, won't she be worried about you? The evening will soon be upon us."

  I glanced upward to see that the reddish glow of the setting sun filled the sky. We'd been in the field for hours.

  "I told her I might not return until after nightfall," I said. At the mention of Charlotte, I remembered Alfaro. "But what of Alfaro? I asked. "Will he not miss you?"

  "Alfaro is very capable."

  It was an overly simple answer, and I toyed with asking him more about his valet. "Charlotte tells me Alfaro has a secret. Is it the same as yours?"

  He looked at me warily. "Charlotte speaks to you of secrets?"

  "Charlotte and I keep no secrets from each other," I said simply. "But she has not told me Alfaro's. And I will not tell her yours if you ask it of me."

  "Can she be trusted?"

  "More than you could ever imagine," I replied.

  "At some point, then, I will reveal myself to her. And I will tell you what I know of Alfaro," Amir said carefully, "Because I wish to have no secrets between us, also. But it is Alfaro's decision to tell Charlotte. You won't disclose this to her?"

  "I swear."

  "Very well. I offer you a riddle: As I am exactly what I appear to be, things with Alfaro are not at all what they seem."

  I thought about it. "You are a man," I said slowly. "And Alfaro is... a maiden?"

  Amir clapped in delight. "Clever woman," he shook his head. "I thought I had you."

  I stuck out my tongue. "I enjoy riddles almost as much as books and riding." My smile faded as I thought of Alfaro, alone on the battlefield. "But how did she survive before she met you? I have heard of the horrors that befall women in war."

  "She survived only by pretending to be a boy. Shorn hair, loose clothing, and dirty face so as to disguise herself. She loves horses, so she became a groom for various men, but never stayed in one place for too long. She couldn't be found out. So she constantly kept moving throughout Egypt after her parents were killed in the conflict."

  "She is Egyptian?"

  "Yes."

  "Why not stay with other family?"

  "Most of her family is dead. There is only one uncle, who attempted to sell her to the highest bidder before she ran away at ten. She needs someone who understands her. And I need someone who understands me. Neither of us can be found out."

  "It isn't only that she pretends to be a boy, is it?" I asked thoughtfully. "She is not attracted to men."

  "No."

  "Only other women."

  "Yes."

  "Charlotte is the same. A proper pair, they'll be."

  "Alfaro is rather taken with her. I've warned her to tread carefully, but you say Charlotte isn't a gossip."

  "Charlotte can be entrusted with any secret. And besides, she is completely in love with her. She would never betray Alfaro. Did you know they have been meeting twice a day in the gardens of the manor? In the morning and in the eve. Apparently they stay up all night, talking."

  "Good. Alfaro needs someone to talk to. There is much that she confides in me, but I know she occasionally wishes she had a woman friend to talk to—or, even better, a lover. Because there's nothing quite like a candid conversation between lovers is there?" He gestured to our own naked bodies and I grinned ruefully.

  "No, there isn't. Hopefully she has found both lover and friend in dear Charlotte." I snuggled into his arms, and a blissful silence fell between us. But there was one more thing I felt compelled to know.

  "May I ask you a personal question?"

  "I would say we're already past the point of no return, wouldn't you?"

  I giggled. "Yes. What are these bindings across your chest?" I smoothed my hand along the satin strips. "You aren't religious, so they certainly can't be any kind of penance?"

  "No, they aren't penance, although I have sinned," he answered quietly. "I began binding my torso at the age of 13, when I noticed what I felt was a changing figure. Although I had barely bee stings—certainly not as endowed as a woman of your court that goes by the name of Lady Elizabeth—I was shocked and disgusted by myself. By my body. I was a boy, you see?" He plucked a dandelion from the ground and blew it, watching the crushed tufts of the weed fly away in the wind.

  "And I wanted to look only as a boy looks. So I began to wrap pieces of cloth tightly around my ribcage. I continued to wear them well into adulthood, and once I joined the military, I would wrap myself in layers of gauze and bandages and complain of an old chest wound. No one questioned it. Now I've grown so used to them I feel I can hardly move without them on."

  "I see. And your… appendage?" My hands traveled to where the soft re
d tube lay nestled between us. "Wherever did you get it?"

  "I had it sewn and filled by a tailor. And let me tell you, it wasn't the first of that kind of request he had ever received. The man practically ran a dildo shop out of the back of his clothier establishment." Amir licked his lips at me suggestively. "I began wearing them at the age of 15. Since then, I've actually gone through many."

  "Oh!" My curiosity was piqued, and I could feel a warm blush rise up my neck. "How many?"

  "Enough to gain a certain amount of expertise, my Lady." Gripping onto my hips, he rolled me over until I straddled him. "Why don't you let me show you?"

  *~*~*

  "Your hair! Your dress!" Charlotte sputtered. "My Lady… you didn't."

  I had arrived home well after midnight to find Charlotte dozing in one of the overstuffed armchairs in the parlor. She'd woken immediately upon my arrival, and pounced on me like dog with a bone.

  "And so what if I did?" I said the words smugly, tossing my loose hair over my shoulder. "I'm far past the age of innocence, Charlotte."

  She blushed. "But you barely know him."

  "I've known him all my life." I rested a hand over my heart. "I've felt him here. I don't know how to explain it. But from the moment we met, there's been this… connection. Like I've been one half of a whole, and just didn't know it until now."

  "My Lady!" Her eyes welled. "You are in love. And I understand what you mean completely." She clenched her hands to her breast. "It is the same way that I feel for the valet."

  "Oh, Charlotte," I said. "So you admit it, then?"

  "Yes," she sniffed. "But there is something I must tell you."

  "Go on."

  "Alfaro is a maiden! And when she told me, it all made sense. The love I feel for her burns bright and true. I wish to have her with me always, shielded and protected from anyone that would do her harm." Charlotte said the words so fiercely that I pitied anyone that dared try and come between her and Alfaro.

  "Shall you marry her, then?" I asked teasingly.

  "Only if you would marry Amir."

  Her words stole the breath from my lungs. I realized I did want to marry Amir, desperately. I had never wanted anything so much. I collapsed into the chair she had been sleeping in, feeling sobs beginning to rack my body. How could we marry if Amir had been baptized as a maiden?

  "I want to marry him. Oh, God," I swore. "How can we marry? It is impossible." I started to confess his secret to Charlotte, then remembered what I had promised. I stopped short.

  "What makes you unable to marry him?" She asked curiously.

  I racked my brain for a response. "We cannot marry if you cannot. It is unfair. And if Alfaro is a maiden, how will you marry?"

  "Hmmm," Charlotte clicked her tongue against her teeth as she thought about it. "I know someone," she said after a moment. "A priest a few towns over, in Leeds. William is a first cousin, on my father's side. He's young, about my age, and was only just ordained within the last year. He needs parishioners desperately. They're thinking of closing his church. He would marry us."

  My breath caught in my throat as I remembered the stories of women baptized and reborn as men in my book. Might this priest do that for Amir? If we were officially wed in the eyes of the church, there would be no more worries; no more wondering about what would happen to the business should I grow ill, or who would care for Amir were he to. We could be buried together. Everything would be reputable, for the both of us.

  "You're sure?"

  "Yes. I know him well. 'Twas his family I was with when… the accident occurred." Neither of us liked to speak of the night her parents perished. "The entire journey typically takes a fortnight; I could visit and be back well in time for you to propose. You could ask Amir at the masquerade."

  I mulled it over. It was six weeks until the masquerade.

  "Start the preparations."

  *~*~*

  "Blast this rain!" I said, stepping over a puddle as I settled Charlotte into the carriage. "What if you don't make it back in time? There are bound to be washed out parts of the road. I'm not sure it's even safe for you to go."

  A storm had blown in, dropping rain over York for two weeks straight and sending my business into a frenzy. My regular clients traipsed in and out of the chancery daily, concerned about whether or not their shipments would arrive on time, and Amir had remained by my side as I'd negotiated with the new Italian merchants, as well. It had been all I could do not to confess my plans to him while we'd waited for word from Charlotte's cousin. But the day had finally arrived for her to depart.

  She patted my hand. "Don't worry, my Lady. Alfaro has agreed to escort me. The driver shall pick her up, and we'll be off. And if the road does indeed prove too perilous, we'll turn around and come back."

  "Have you told her of our plan?" I lowered my voice.

  "I have not yet told her, but she will question why we are visiting a priest. I had thought perhaps to propose myself while we were there." She bit down on her lip, worry showing on her face. "Is that too forward of me?"

  "No, I think it's lovely." I hugged her fiercely. "You should do it. But she mustn't tell Amir! I want everything to be perfect for the masquerade."

  "She won't."

  I kissed her on both cheeks, brushing her red hair off her face. "No need to worry. She'd be a fool to say no. You'd best be off."

  Walking to the front of the carriage, I handed the driver a silver pence. "You see that she and her companion get to Leeds and back safely, and there will be a groat for you when you return."

  "Yes, ma'am." Tipping his hat, he grabbed the reins of the horse and set the carriage upon the road.

  I watched the wagon until it receded into the distance, then turned back to face the manor. There was little left to do: I had already picked out a dress of white satin from a catalogue, along with a matching white tunic fringed with silk for Amir, and Charlotte, being such a deft seamstress, had sewn replicas of both while cooped up in the house from the rain. We had also gathered every white candle in the manor, lining the library with them so they might provide a soft, romantic glow for the occasion, and I planned to fill the room with satin pillows and throws on the night of the masquerade so that Amir and I could retreat in our finery afterwards. Then I would propose.

  "Some men might find a woman, standing ankle-deep in a puddle on the first clear day in a week and sighing at nothing, to be quite mad."

  I giggled. "Are you one such a man, good sir?"

  "Of course not. I would merely inquire as to what would make a lady sigh on such a beautiful day as this, and offer to do whatever I could to help."

  "Oh, Amir."

  I turned to see him up on his horse, wearing a casual surcoat and trousers of what appeared to be the softest gray cotton. His hair was parted down the middle, curls springing free. As usual, my heart jumped into my throat at the mere sight of him.

  "I sighed because I have just sent Charlotte to pick up Alfaro in the carriage. She agreed to accompany Charlotte to Leeds to… acquire some things that I need for the masquerade," I fibbed.

  "Yes, Alfaro informed me of the trip. I do hope they'll be safe on the road." Amir frowned as he looked down the path.

  "Charlotte assured me that at the merest hint of danger they would turn back." I patted his arm. "We sound like my parents. I remember my first chariot trip without them. My mother took to her bed the entire time I was gone, or so I was told."

  He laughed. "Mothers are prone to do such things. My own wrote me a letter every day that I was away at war. Every. Day. I still have them, in a bundle that I carry with me on my travels."

  "I would love to read them at some point."

  "They are in Italian. Are you fluent?"

  "I know a few words, but only learned French at school."

  "Never fear, I shall teach you. It would be my pleasure. Perché stai sospiri?"

  I listened intently to the words as they rolled off his tongue. "Something something… sigh?"

  He
clapped in delight. "Very good! I asked, 'Why are you sighing?'"

  "In French, it would be 'Pourquoi êtes-vous soupirez?'" I said. "Close enough."

  "Try this one: 'Dato che i bambini sono lontani, vorresti correre con me?'

  I squinted. "I don't know."

  "Since the babes are away, would you like to take ride with me?"

  "Sì."

  "I do not have a carriage, but you could certainly ride astride on Marfa." He patted his mare affectionately.

  "Would it be all right if we headed into town? I wish to purchase something for the masquerade. Although I do not yet know what we will be wearing, I'd like to buy a new linen shirt and breeches for the occasion, to wear underneath. Is that all right?"

  "Yes, it's fine," I said. "Charlotte has already prepared our garments. I'm sure you will be most pleased with them."

  "She appears to have a second sight about embroidery, based on the dresses you wear, so I have no worries."

  I laughed. "She appears to have a second sight about more than just tailoring."

  "Really?"

  "Indeed." I leaned forward, resting my head against his back as we trotted along. "That's why she offered to let you joust for my hand against Lord Dustin. She said she had a good feeling."

  "I'll have to thank her for intervening," he said.

  Wrapping my arms around his midsection, I gave him a squeeze. "You know, she relentlessly toils over whether or not Alfaro is in love with her."

  "That is the very last thing she should be concerned about. Alfaro is so infatuated that I find her tracing hearts in Marfa's mane while grooming her. She incessantly hums love songs to herself, and twice during the tournament I caught her staring off into space, daydreaming, when she was supposed to be readying the mare for a joust." He shook his head. "She pined relentlessly while we were back in Italy. I've never seen her like this."

  "She is a young woman in love! Be gentle with her. Have you already forgotten what it was like to be in love for the first time?"

  "I don't believe I've ever been in love," he said thoughtfully. "There have been women that I've certainly liked a great deal, women whose company that I enjoyed, women that I've lusted after, and bedded, but love? I never thought that I would even be able to find love, being… who I am. Being different."