by Amy Clipston
“Could I speak to you alone, please?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“Ya, of course.” He nodded toward the far end of the fence. “Let’s go over there.”
She followed him down the fence line, away from everyone else.
“What do you want to talk about?” he asked once they were alone. “You seem upset.”
“Katie just told me your schweschder is losing her farm. Is that true?”
He blew out a puff of air as he scrubbed his hand over his face.
“It’s true?” she demanded.
“I didn’t want you to find out this way. I was going to tell you later—”
“How long have you known?”
“For a week.” His voice was shaky too. “I found out last week.” He explained how he’d walked in when his sister and Earl had just faced the reality that they couldn’t avoid bankruptcy and would lose the farm. His golden-brown eyes filled with tears. “They have to be out of their haus at the end of the month, and they’re going to move to Western Pennsylvania to live with Earl’s parents. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I turned them down. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do.”
“That’s why you’ve been so distant.” Her own eyes stung with threatening tears, but she tried to keep them from multiplying. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you, and anyway, I wanted to make a plan before I did.” He’d been holding out his arms as he talked, as if to plead for her understanding. But now he dropped them at his sides and stared at the ground.
Thunder rumbled closer, and his voice grew thick as he continued. “I tried to get the bank to divide up the land and let me buy the parcel our haus is on, but they won’t. Then I tried to apply for a loan to buy another piece of land, but two banks turned me down.”
“It’s okay. We’ll get through this.” She wiped away a tear trickling down her hot cheek.
“How?” His gaze collided with hers, and his eyes challenged her. “There’s no way to get through this. I have nowhere to live and nothing to offer you.”
“What are you saying?” A cool mist wafted over her cheeks as lightning lit up the sky.
“I’m saying I can’t provide for you.” His voice rose and his face twisted into a pained scowl. “I called my cousin in Sugarcreek, Ohio, and asked him to see if he can get me a job in the factory where he works.” His lips formed a thin line. “I think this is the best solution.”
“Okay.” She sniffed. “We can make a life in Ohio.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”
“I don’t understand.” Thunder sounded, and she jumped.
“I don’t think you should go with me.” He was saying the words slowly, enunciating each word as if she were a child. “You deserve stability, and I can’t give that to you. You’d be miserable without your family in Ohio. You lost your home and your parents and were thrown into this strange community where you had to learn how to be Amish. Then you spent a summer in Virginia Beach helping your parents’ freinden. It’s not fair of me to ask you to move again. I’m going to Ohio alone.”
“You want to leave me here?” The rain beat a steady cadence now, soaking her apron and her prayer covering. “Why would you want to do that? I’m your fiancée. We’re going to get married.”
“I think we need to go our separate ways. I’ve already given Betsy and Earl most of my money to help them. I want mei bruder-skinner to start a new life.” He shook his head as his voice faltered. “If I take you to Ohio, you’ll resent me. You belong here with Rebecca, Daniel, and their kinner.”
“How can you say that?” Her voice pitched as tears streamed down her face. “You said you loved me. How can you walk away from me and everything we’re building together?”
“It’s better this way. You’ll find someone who can give you everything you need.” He gestured widely with his arms. “I can’t afford to buy any land, and I can’t give you a haus.”
“So you’re going to give up, just like that?” She pointed toward her aunt’s house. “We can live with mei aenti for a while until we can afford our own place. Maybe we can add on a couple of rooms and stay there. Isn’t that better than just giving up?” Her voice squeaked as if she were six years old, not nineteen.
“I think it’s better if we break up. You should move on without me.” His eyes glistened with unshed tears.
She shook her head. She had to be dreaming! Her body began to shake as if she were standing outside in February without a coat. This couldn’t be real.
“You can give up on me that easily?” Her voice shook as her tears continued to flow.
“I’m not giving up on you. I’m thinking about what makes sense in the long run. Mei dat couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a family, and I thought I was different. But it turns out I’m not. Better to cut things off now instead of our lives falling apart down the road when we have kinner. I’m going to move to Ohio. You should find someone else. You deserve better than what I can offer you.”
Lightning split the sky, followed by a loud crash of thunder.
He pointed toward the house. “Go inside. You’re getting soaked.”
“So that’s it?” She shivered as she hugged her arms to her waist. “You’re just going to send me on my way?”
He lowered his head. “I’m sorry, Lindsay.”
“I’m sorry too.” She turned and raced toward the house as her heart shattered into a million pieces.
Chapter Five
Tears continued to flow down Lindsay’s cheeks as she rushed past her friends and cousins. They called her name, but she kept going. She wrenched open the back door and ran through the mudroom and kitchen and up the stairs to her bedroom. She slammed the door behind her before flopping onto her bed and sobbing into her pillow.
In less than thirty minutes, her fiancé had broken up with her, and it all seemed like some terrible nightmare. But it was real, so very real. Her chest ached, and she could hardly breathe.
“Lindsay? Lindsay?” Katie’s voice was close. “I’m so sorry. I thought you knew. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Please go away.” Lindsay’s words were muffled by her pillow.
“Talk to me.” Katie rubbed her back. “Tell me what happened.”
Rolling to her side, Lindsay looked up at Katie, who had sat down on the edge of her bed. Nancy lingered in the doorway, obviously concerned.
“How long have you known?” Lindsay asked.
Katie hesitated.
“Tell me. How long?” Lindsay demanded.
“Jake told me last night,” Katie said, holding up her hands. “I would never keep anything from you intentionally. I thought you knew, and I was hoping you would tell me how you felt about it.” She touched her arm. “What did Matthew tell you? Please share it with me.”
Lindsay’s tears began to flow again as she recalled her conversation with Matthew. “He broke up with me. He’s moving to Ohio and leaving me here. He says I’m better off without him because he can’t offer me a home.” Covering her face with her hands, she began to sob again.
“What? Jake only told me about the Lantz’s losing their farm and that Matthew was trying to figure out what to do. He didn’t tell me—Nancy, please go get Aenti Rebecca. Dummle!”
She patted Lindsay’s back. “Please calm down. We’ll get through this. Matthew will change his mind. I promise it will be okay.”
After a few moments, Aenti Rebecca appeared in the doorway. “Ach, no. What happened?” She made her way over to the bed.
Katie stood, and Aenti Rebecca took her place. Katie left the room as Lindsay sat up and began to tell her aunt everything.
“I don’t understand how he can just break up with me and leave me.” Lindsay shivered with emotion. “How can he do that?”
“I don’t know.” Aenti Rebecca shook her head. “I think he’s desperate and confused.”
“But he seemed so determined. I could see in his ey
es that his mind was already made up. Nothing I could say was going to make a difference.” Lindsay wiped her face with a tissue as she leaned back against the headboard. “I just don’t understand it. How could he just give up on us?”
Aenti Rebecca put her arm around her niece’s shoulders. “Why don’t you give him a day or two to think about it and then try talking to him again?”
Lindsay fingered her quilt as questions flowed through her mind. “Is there anything you can do?”
“What do you mean?” Aenti Rebecca tilted her head.
“Can you help us?” Lindsay pleaded. “Can you and Onkel Daniel convince him to stay?”
Aenti Rebecca clicked her tongue. “Ach, mei liewe. I don’t know, but I’ll talk to Daniel.”
“Please. Maybe Onkel Daniel can make him realize we don’t need a haus right away. We can live here with you until we’re on our feet. Other couples do it all the time, right?”
Aenti Rebecca smiled. “That’s a gut solution. I’ll ask Daniel what he thinks.” She squeezed Lindsay’s hand. “Why don’t you take a shower? Everyone is leaving because of the storm. I’ll make you some tea, and we can talk some more. Everything will be okay. Just have faith.”
“Okay.”
As her aunt walked out of the room, Lindsay prayed she was right.
The rain completely soaked through Matthew’s shirt as he stepped out of the barn after stowing his horse. But his guilt and frustration were so great they seemed to drown him as he made his way down the rock driveway to the phone shanty. Inside, he shook water off his hands and arms and dialed to retrieve their voice mail messages. His pulse pounded when Sherm’s voice echoed through the phone.
“Hi, Matt. I talked to my supervisor today, and he said he’d love to have you join the company. One of my coworkers just gave notice, and his last day is next Friday. You can start anytime. Just give me a call and let me know what you think.” He hesitated. “But I’ll understand if you’ve changed your mind. Talk to you soon.”
When Sherm’s message clicked off, Matthew stared down at the phone as doubt nearly overtook him. Was he making a mistake?
An image of Lindsay’s face filled his mind, and his hands shook. She was heartbroken. How could he leave her?
She’s better off without me!
But if that were true, why did the idea of leaving her affect him so deeply? Why would God lead him to this decision if both he and Lindsay would be crushed?
Shoving the thought away, Matthew dialed his cousin’s number and waited for either Sherm to pick up or for voice mail to kick on. After he heard a recorded message and a beep, he began to speak. “Hi, Sherm. This is Matthew. Danki for talking to your supervisor for me. I’d like to accept the job and start right away. I plan to come to Sugarcreek next Saturday. Let me know if that works for you. Danki again for everything. Talk to you soon.”
After he hung up, Matthew stepped out into the pouring rain and ran for the house. In the mudroom he removed his boots and hat before going into the kitchen. His sister and Earl were sitting at the table.
“Hi, Matt.” Betsy smiled. “You’re home early tonight.”
“I have something to tell you. I’ve made another decision. I’m going to move to Ohio and work in an RV factory with Sherm. He already has a job lined up for me. I’m going to pack up my things, sell my horse and buggy, finish up work at the furniture store, and take a bus to Ohio next Saturday.”
Betsy looked shocked.
“Is Lindsay going with you?” Earl asked.
Matthew shook his head. “No. We broke up tonight.”
Betsy gasped. “Ach, no. Why?”
“It’s for the best.” Matthew started to leave before she could ask more questions. “Gut nacht.”
“Wait!” she called.
He swiveled toward her.
“Did you decide to break up with her and go to Ohio because you gave us your money?”
“No. It’s just for the best.” Matthew walked toward the stairs.
“Just a minute.” She raced after him. “I’ll give you back the money if it will make things right between you and Lindsay. I don’t feel right taking it.”
He sighed as he looked into his sister’s glistening eyes. “Most of that money was from Mamm when she sold our farm, and she would want to help you, Earl, and the maed. Consider it a gift from her.”
A noise that sounded like a choked sob came from her throat and tears streamed down her face. “Danki,” she whispered before sitting back down at the table.
Matthew made his way up to his room and knelt on the floor, searching under his bed for a duffel bag to start packing his belongings. When he spotted a small box, he lowered himself to a sitting position and began to sift through its contents. He found letters Lindsay wrote to him while she was in Virginia Beach last summer, and when he pulled them out and read them, his eyes filled with tears.
Digging deeper in the box, he found cards and notes she’d written him while they were dating. He took in her beautiful handwriting and sweet words of love and devotion.
Memories drenched him as raindrops tapped against his window. She was the most important person in his life, the one person with whom he wanted to have a family. But he wasn’t worthy of her love. He had to leave and start a new life somewhere else. The pain would get easier, wouldn’t it?
When a single tear traced down his cheek, he brushed it away. He had to be strong. After all, this was God’s will, and he had to follow the right path—even though he felt as though his soul had been shredded.
“Lindsay?”
Lindsay rolled onto her side and faced the doorway, where Aenti Rebecca stood with her dark eyebrows cinched together. She rubbed her eyes and swallowed a yawn. She’d spent all night alternating between sobbing, praying, and staring at the ceiling as she replayed her conversation with Matthew over and over.
She kept hoping he would appear outside, toss a pebble at her windowpane, and talk to her on the porch for hours, telling her he’d made a mistake and wanted to marry her. But no pebble hit her windowpane. Pain and sorrow were her only companions during a sleepless night.
“It’s past time to get up and get ready for church.” Aenti Rebecca’s voice was gentle. “Are you going to come with us?”
Lindsay shook her head. “I don’t think I’m in any shape to go. I didn’t sleep last night, and I don’t think I could make it through the service without crying. I’m also not ready to tell everyone Matthew and I broke up.” Her lips trembled and she covered her face with her hands as a groan seeped out of her. “I hope Katie and Nancy didn’t tell everyone last night before they left.”
“Don’t even worry about that right now.” Aenti Rebecca sat down on the edge of her bed. “You should try to get some sleep, and then you’ll feel better. Everything will work out. Just have faith.”
Lindsay sniffed as she looked up at her aunt. “Did you tell Onkel Daniel?”
“Ya, and he said he’ll talk to Matthew.” Aenti Rebecca rubbed Lindsay’s arm. “Right now you should concentrate on getting some rest.”
“All right.”
Leaning down, Aenti Rebecca hugged her. “I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
As tired as she was, Lindsay knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She waited until after her family left for church before she got dressed. As she started to walk out of her bedroom, her gaze landed on the beautiful cedar hope chest Matthew gave her when he proposed.
She ran her fingers over the smooth wood, breathing in the sweet cedar. It had belonged to Matthew’s mother and he refurbished it before giving it to her. This gorgeous piece of furniture had always represented Matthew’s love, but now he’d decided to throw away all the promises they’d made to each other. How could their relationship have fallen apart so quickly, with hardly any warning?
Lindsay swallowed back a sob as she went downstairs. With the weight of her disappointment and heartache pressing down on her shoulders, she tried to
eat a piece of toast, but it tasted like sawdust. After tossing it, she peered out the kitchen window and stared at the phone shanty. She longed to call Matthew to try to talk some sense into him, but her pride held her back.
A sudden and overwhelming need to speak to her sister grabbed her. She glanced at the clock. It was only eight thirty. Jessica would probably still be sleeping, but this was urgent. She needed her sister now. Surely Jessica would understand.
After slipping on a pair of shoes, she rushed out the back door to the phone shanty and dialed Jessica’s cell phone. Her older sister picked up on the third ring.
“Lindsay?” Jessica’s voice was gravelly.
Lindsay’s felt tears coming at the sound of her sister’s voice. “Hey, Jess.”
“What’s up?”
Lindsay could hear her yawning, and she took a deep breath. “Can you talk?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong?”
Lindsay heard rustling and she imagined Jessica sitting up in bed.
“Matthew and I broke up last night.” Lindsay fought the urge to start crying again. It was a wonder she had any tears left to shed.
Jessica gasped. “Oh, no. What happened?”
She somehow managed to tell Jessica all about it while keeping her tears at bay.
“Oh, Lindsay,” Jessica said when she finished her story. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m in shock.”
“I know. I am too.” She sniffed. “I don’t know what to do. I just needed to hear your voice.”
“What if I come to see you? I could be there in a few hours.”
“Really?” Lindsay shook her head. “Wait. What about school?”
“I have one more final later this week, but it’s going to be an easy one. I have a few free days before the test.”
“You really wouldn’t mind coming?”
“Are you kidding? I was hoping to visit next weekend anyway. So do you want me to come or not?”
“Ya, I do want you to come. I need you right now.”
“Good. I’m glad to be needed. I’ll pack a few things and get on the road.”