by Amy Clipston
Stunned, Tobias blinked.
“I’m grateful for everything you said,” Jesse continued. “I’m not angry with you at all. I’m really glad you got the help you needed and you’re back. We’ve all missed you.”
“Danki.” Tobias silently thanked God for his best friend. For so long he’d been focusing on the blessings he thought he’d thrown away, and now God was showing him the blessings he still had. He was grateful.
But had he damaged his relationship with his father beyond repair?
“Tobias looks great,” Ariana said. She and Mariella had decided the brisk air might be good for them, and now they stood by the porch steps. “Our prayers have been answered. God sent him back to us.”
“Ya, he did.” As Mariella hugged her pie plate to her chest, she took in Tobias’s relaxed stance by the light of his lantern. With the lantern hanging on the buggy, he’d folded his arms over his wide chest and was talking to Jesse. “He was really naerfich during the ride over here, but I told him you and your parents would be froh to see him.”
Ariana’s dark eyes widened as she turned toward Mariella. “Did he think we wouldn’t welcome him home?”
“Well, not you, and not so much your mamm. But he was worried your dat would reject him. He wasn’t sure Jesse would want to see him, either. He asked me if I could take him to a hotel if it didn’t work out here.”
Ariana clicked her tongue. “No matter what, we’re family.”
“That’s true. I told him you would all be froh to see him and would welcome him back. I assured him everyone missed him.”
They stood in silence for a few moments as they watched the men talk. Mariella’s emotions spun at Tobias’s handsome profile. Would he ever think of her as more than just Ariana’s best friend? Would he be happy in the community after experiencing the Englisher way of life?
“Did his talk go well with your dat?” Ariana asked.
Mariella nodded. “Ya, it must have. Mei dat seemed very supportive. I think everything will go well tomorrow at church.”
“I hope so.” Ariana sighed. “I don’t want to lose mei bruder a second time. It would be too painful for my parents and me to bear again.”
Mariella squeezed her hand. “I don’t think you will.”
“Arie,” Jesse called. “I need to get going.” He waved at Mariella. “Gut nacht, Mariella.”
“Gut nacht,” she echoed with a wave.
Ariana hugged her. “Danki for bringing mei bruder home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Gut nacht,” Mariella said before Ariana jogged over to Jesse’s buggy.
Mariella went to her own buggy, where Tobias held the lantern as he checked out the horse. “I think the buggy must be hitched correctly to the horse,” she said. “After all, you helped Dat hitch it, and you do still remember how to properly hitch a buggy to a horse, right?”
She couldn’t stop a smile when he grinned at her. “How long are you going to accuse me of not remembering how to be Amish?”
“I don’t know.” She tapped her chin with her finger as she pretended to contemplate the question. “You were gone for five months, so should I tease you for five months?”
“You can tease me for as long as you’d like, Mari.”
She froze, stunned by what he’d said. He’d never called her by the nickname her family gave her.
“I think things went well tonight.” He rested his hand on the buggy door as his smile faded. “I mean, they went as well as they could.”
“They went really well.” She set the pie plate inside the buggy and looked up at him. “You seem disappointed. What’s bothering you?”
He pressed his lips together in a thin line and then said, “I guess I had hoped mei dat would talk to me more.”
“He will.” Mariella stepped closer to him. “Just give him time. I’m sure he was overwhelmed when he saw you and he needs time to process that you’re back. You know how strict and tough your dat is.”
He snorted. “Ya, I know that very well.”
“I think emotions are tough for him, so it’s not as easy for him to react to things. Especially when they’re a surprise.”
He raised an eyebrow. “When did you get so schmaert?”
She lifted her chin. “I’m only two years younger than you.”
“You may be twenty-two, but I think you’re decades smarter than I am.”
“I’m twenty-three, actually. My birthday was last month.”
“I’m sorry. Twenty-three. And happy belated birthday.” He smiled, sending warmth curling through her body despite the cold evening. “Danki for bringing me over here tonight and for encouraging me to face my family. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“I didn’t do much at all.”
“Ya, you did.” He touched her hand, and the warmth she’d felt turned to heat, rushing to the spot where his skin brushed hers. “Danki, Mari.”
“Gern gschehne.”
He tapped the buggy. “Will you be okay going home alone in the dark?”
Her eyes narrowed. “I know how to guide a horse in the dark.”
“I know that, but I worry about the drivers on the road who don’t respect buggies. Do you want me to ride with you?”
Her tendency toward resentment dissolved as his care and concern replaced it. “I promise I’ll be careful.”
“All right.” His shoulders visibly relaxed. He paused and then lowered his voice. “Do you think the congregation will welcome me back into the fold?”
“I’m certain they’ll be just as thankful as I am that you’ve come back.” She swallowed a gasp when she realized how much of her heart she’d just revealed to him.
“I hope so.” He tapped the buggy. “You should get home. I don’t want your dat upset that you stayed out too late.”
“Gut nacht,” she said as she climbed into the driver’s side.
“Gut nacht. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
As she guided the horse down the driveway, she sent up a prayer asking God to give Tobias the confidence and strength he needed to face the congregation and confess his sins.
Chapter Three
Tobias thought Jesse must be able to hear his heart thudding in his chest as they sat beside each other on one of the backless benches in the Allgyer family’s barn. Singing along during the final hymn, he gripped his hymnal so hard his fingers hurt.
As he glanced around at familiar faces, his gaze moved to his father sitting in the section for married men. Dat stared down at the hymnal in his hands as his mouth moved in sync with the rest of the congregation. He looked anything but content.
The events of the night before swirled through Tobias’s mind, sweeping disappointment over the tension he felt. After Mariella and Jesse left, he went back into the house with the intention of speaking to Dat, but he had already gone to bed. Tobias had hoped to spend an hour or two working out their differences.
Mariella’s words, however, had echoed in his mind. He did need to give Dat time. After all, he’d been disrespectful and argumentative before he left. Perhaps Dat was giving him what he deserved—silence.
After saying good night to his mother and Ariana, he unpacked his duffel bag in the bedroom that had been his since childhood. He’d hoped to fall asleep, but instead he stared at the ceiling most of the night, worrying about today’s vote and, if he were allowed to make it, his confession.
This morning the family had come to the service in his parents’ buggy, and he was grateful Ariana and Mamm kept conversation going by discussing wedding plans. When they arrived at the Allgyer family’s farm, Tobias spoke to Ammon to confirm the special meeting would indeed take place after the service.
And now he sat rigidly on the bench as the last hymn came to a close. Anxiety coursed through him. If his congregation refused to accept him back into the church, he’d lose his place in the community forever. Would that loss send him spiraling back to drink? He slammed his eyes shut.
Please, God. Keep me strong. Gu
ide my words as I confess to my congregation. Keep leading me back to you.
When the hymn ended, Ammon stood and faced everyone. “And now I invite all the nonmembers of the congregation to please exit and the baptized members to stay for a special meeting.”
Tobias’s mouth ran dry. This was it. This was when the baptized members of the church would decide if he would be allowed to confess and be reinstated.
He looked across the barn to where Mariella and Ariana sat together in the unmarried women’s section. Ariana met his gaze, and she looked just as nervous as he was. Mariella, however, gave him her beautiful, encouraging smile. How did she know just what he needed?
“It’s going to be fine.” Jesse’s voice was low in his ear. “Go outside. We’ll be certain to support you during the meeting.”
“Danki.” Tobias stood and looked at his father as he made his way toward the end of the row. Dat frowned, but he also nodded. Mamm, her eyes glimmering, watched him from her seat with the other married women.
As Tobias stepped out into the cold noon air, he glanced up at the sky. The next hour would determine his place in the community. His path was God’s plan, but was he strong enough to accept whatever the congregation decided?
Mariella discerned the fear and worry in Tobias’s eyes when he looked at her after her father’s announcement. She fought the urge to pop up from her seat, rush across the barn, and hug him. She longed to console him and convince him everything would be okay. But not only would a hug be disruptive during the hymn; it would also be inappropriate and forward. She had no right to hug him when they were only friends. It was presumptuous for her to even consider it. Still, she longed to help him, and a smile seemed to be the only way for her to offer encouragement to him.
When she smiled at him, his stoic expression had relaxed a fraction, and the hard line of his jaw had loosened. She hoped she had somehow given him confidence with her small gesture of comfort.
When Mariella had gone to bed last night, Tobias had been in the forefront of her thoughts as she kept replaying their conversation in his driveway. He’d teased her, called her by her nickname, thanked her for encouraging him, and offered to take her home to be sure she had a safe journey back to her parents’ house. He was definitely different from how she’d remembered him. While he’d always been pleasant to her in the past, he’d rarely had a private conversation with her, let alone poured his heart out to her. What had caused him to finally see her as a friend?
“We’re having a members-only meeting because one of our bruders has fallen into sin,” her father announced to open the meeting. “Tobias Smucker left the community in June to go to Florida, where he had treatment for alcoholism. He wrote a letter to his family explaining why he left, and he’s now back and ready to return to the church. He told me he’s ready to confess. The ministers and I agree if you vote to accept Tobias today, we’re going to immediately welcome him back into the fold instead of first excommunicating him for six weeks.
“Now, I need to know if each of you agrees he’s repentant and ready to be received back into the church.” Dat pointed to the side of the barn where the men sat. “I will ask the men, and Mel will ask the women.”
Mariella sat up taller as Mel Allgyer, one of the ministers, walked over to her section of the barn. On the opposite side of the barn, her father asked the men. She overhead each man take turns saying, “Ya,” and she silently asked God to encourage every member to echo that response.
Ariana grabbed Mariella’s hand and squeezed, her brown eyes expressing concern. She leaned in close and lowered her voice. “Do you think everyone will forgive him?”
“Ya, I do. Have faith.”
“Do you believe Tobias Smucker is repentant and ready to be received back into the church?” Mel asked the unmarried women.
“Ya,” Mariella said when it was her turn.
“Ya,” Ariana echoed.
Each woman after Ariana gave the same response, and the muscles in Mariella’s back eased.
When Mel moved to the married women section, he again asked if they agreed. Each of the women responded with, “Ya.”
“Everyone has said ya. I’m so thankful.” Ariana sniffed as tears trickled down her face.
Mariella pulled a tissue from her pocket and gave it to her.
“Danki,” Ariana whispered, wiping her cheeks.
Her father moved to the center of the barn. “We will invite our bruder back in to confess now.”
Ariana sucked in a breath as she turned toward Mariella.
“Tobias will do fine. I can feel it in my heart,” Mariella whispered as her father walked toward the barn doors.
Tobias stood at one corner of the barn and watched the children play on Mel Allgyer’s elaborate wooden swing set. Teenaged girls talked as they leaned on the fence near the children.
It seemed like only yesterday he and Jesse were teenagers too. They got into a fair amount of trouble with their antics, but life was still simpler back then. He and Jesse attended youth gatherings together, he didn’t drink alcohol, and his relationship with his father wasn’t as contentious as it became when he turned twenty-one.
Now he stood at a crossroads between his Amish life and his brief Englisher life. Soon he would learn if his Amish community would allow him back into the fold. Although he’d needed to get away five months ago, he now felt the call of the community of his birth. He prayed he could make amends and start a new life.
“Tobias.”
He jumped with a start. Ammon had come around the corner. He looked serious.
“We’re ready for you. You can confess now.”
Although he was relieved to have come this far, Tobias still tried in vain to swallow against a swelling lump of emotion in his throat.
“Tobias. Are you ready?”
“I think so.” Tobias heard the thread of fear in his voice.
Ammon gestured toward the barn doors. “Let’s go. The congregation is waiting.”
Tobias took a deep breath and followed the bishop, his heavy steps bogged with the weight of the apprehension pressing down on his shoulders.
When he reached the barn’s entrance, his breath seized in his lungs. Would the congregation accept his confession as he knelt before them? Would they believe his intentions were sincere?
Ammon stood inside the barn and swiveled toward him. “Are you going to come in?”
Unable to speak, Tobias nodded. He followed Ammon up the center aisle, between the sections with unmarried men and unmarried women. Mariella met his gaze and the brightness in her eyes ignited something deep in his soul. Suddenly he recalled her comforting response when he asked if she thought the congregation would allow him back into the church:
I’m certain our congregation will be just as thankful as I am that you’ve come back.
He looked toward his father, and when he met his impassive expression, unease hit him once again. No, this wouldn’t be as simple as confessing. The congregation wouldn’t be satisfied with his honesty. They would never forgive him for his transgressions.
“Our bruder Tobias is going to confess his sins.” Ammon’s words slammed Tobias back to reality as they stood in front of the congregation. Then the bishop turned to Tobias. “Go ahead.”
Tobias cleared his throat and searched for the right words. He folded his hands in front of his body as his pulse pounded in his ears. “I left the community five months ago and went to Florida to stay with mei onkel Earl.” He scanned the congregation, taking in their somber expressions.
When he found his mother’s face, he paused as she wiped away the tears streaming down her face. He focused on her as he continued to speak. “I knew I had a problem with alcohol, and mei onkel helped me find a rehabilitation center. I got help, and I’m doing better now. I’m sober, and I don’t plan to touch alcohol again. I’m ready to make my heart right with God and the church. I want to be part of this community and live a life that is gut in God’s eyes.”
Silence h
ung over the barn like a suffocating cloud, the only sound the echoes of children’s voices outside. He glanced around the knot of people staring at him, and his eyes stopped on Ariana and Mariella. While Ariana swiped the back of one hand over her eyes, Mariella simply nodded and smiled at him. Did she believe Tobias had said enough to prove his intensions were pure?
“Are you done?” Ammon asked.
“Ya.” Tobias nodded as doubt nearly choked him. Had he said enough? Did the congregation expect him to say more to convince them to allow him back into the church?
“Go down on your knees now,” Ammon instructed.
Tobias’s legs wavered as he knelt in front of the congregation. He bowed his head and closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall. “I can confess that I have failed God and the church, and I want to be more careful and watchful.”
Silence fell over the barn once again as Tobias held his breath. Would Ammon say he was forgiven or tell him he was shunned? His life was going to change in a matter of moments.
Ammon touched his shoulder. “Tobias, stand up.”
Opening his eyes, Tobias took Ammon’s hand and stood.
“We welcome you back into the fold,” Ammon said.
Tobias blew out the breath he’d been holding, and his knees wobbled. Had he heard the bishop correctly?
“Did you hear me?” Ammon asked. “You are forgiven.”
Tobias shook Ammon’s hand. “Danki. Danki.”
“The meeting is over,” Ammon announced.
A murmur of conversation started in the congregation as the men quickly began converting the benches into tables for the noon meal.
“Tobias.” Mamm came up behind him. “I’m so froh.” She sniffed as she reached for him.