Gently Falls the Bakula

by Sudha Murty

  Shrikant was due to come back the following week. Now that Shrimati had made up her mind, her main concern was how to break the news to him.

  THIRTY

  Shrikant returned from the hectic four-week business trip. He was extremely tired and slept for a while before going to office. It was impossible for a person like Shrikant to stay at home because of jet lag.

  He did not notice anything wrong with Shrimati. He saw that she was cleaning up something, but that was not unusual. Shrimati was extraordinarily neat. He often joked, ‘If I don’t hold on to the shirt that I am wearing, Shrimati may give it away to somebody while cleaning the cupboard.’

  Before leaving for office, he had told Shrimati that he wanted to have an early dinner that day.

  Shrimati said, ‘Shri, do you have time now? I want to tell you something very urgent.’

  ‘No, Shrimati, I am late already. We will speak over dinner.’

  ‘But, in case you get delayed in coming back from your office, it might be too late.’

  ‘Oh, that’s not a problem. I will come early for you today.’ He left, not even bothering to ask what the important matter was. He thought it would be one of her impractical ideas.

  There was a vast difference between promising something and executing it. But as promised, Shrikant came home early that day. He seemed very excited, jubilant even.

  Shrimati was sitting on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. Shrikant did not notice that. He came, threw his coat on the dining table and sat next to her on the sofa. Holding her in his arms he said, ‘Hey, Shrimati, today you must congratulate me. I have become the managing director of the company. I have been chosen as one of the top executives of the country. Shrimati, when I was in IIT, my classmates went abroad. But I had said that I would stay in India and achieve more here than they did there. Today I have realized my dream. Now you are the wife of a managing director. Let us move out of this house. We will take up a place in Malabar Hill maybe, overlooking the sea, as per your wish. Shrimati, I do not like to fight with you and I feel extremely unhappy when we quarrel. You should understand that my profession demands all these things. You cannot have the rice and eat it too. Now, I will take some time off. Wherever you want, I will accompany you. I will not go to Hubli. This time, you are my priority.’ Like the old days he put his head on her lap and continued to chatter.

  Shrimati remained silent.

  Whatever he was saying was futile, like pouring water on a stone. Normally, Shrimati would have rejoiced at his promotion, as if it was her own. For the first time she did not feel she was a part of his success. Shrikant found her silence strange and thought she was still angry. He got up and turned her face towards him. He noticed that there were no tears or anger in her eyes. On the contrary, there was a determination and sadness. Shrimati stood up without saying anything.

  ‘Shri, this is the key to the house, and this one to your Godrej almirah. This is the finance file, as of today. Please keep them all carefully.’

  Shrikant was puzzled. He did not understand what she was talking about.

  ‘Shrimati, why do I need all these things? Are you going somewhere? Even then I will not need these things.’

  Shrimati closed her eyes, used all her willpower and answered slowly.

  ‘Shri, I am leaving and I don’t have any plans to return. I am handing over all the responsibilities of the house to you.’

  Shrikant was bewildered. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I am going to the US to do my doctorate. I was just waiting for your return. I have carried out all the instructions that you had given me, completed all the assignments that you had set for me.’

  Shrikant’s excitement was flattened at once. He just could not comprehend the new situation. He felt as if someone was pushing him from Mount Kailash.

  ‘Shrimati, if you are going to do your Ph.D in the US, then when will you return? How can you take such a major decision without even consulting me? How will you maintain yourself in the US?’

  Suddenly Shrikant felt utterly tired and helpless.

  ‘Shri, I am getting a scholarship. I have thought over this matter for the last four weeks before taking this decision. I did not bring anything with me when I got married to you. Now also, I am not taking anything from this house. My flight is scheduled for tonight. I was wondering in case you don’t turn up today, how I would perform my last duty. Anyway, you have come and now I can leave peacefully.’

  Shrikant’s mind had gone numb. Nothing she said was registering. In a disbelieving voice he said, ‘Shrimati, are you joking?’

  But then his eyes fell on her packed suitcase and he realized it was no joke.

  After taking a deep breath, Shrimati continued, ‘Shri, you have reached this position today because you are highly focused and you work very very hard. You have dedicated the most important part of your life and all your time to achieving this goal. It is not easy, I agree. Look at your friends who were as bright as you. They have not achieved what you have. You have surpassed everybody in your batch. You started as a software engineer and reached the pinnacle of your career within ten years. In the olden days people used to call this tapasya, penance, and for that they would have to go to the forest. You have achieved it without going to the forest . . .’

  Shrikant stopped her, ‘But that has nothing to do with your leaving.’

  ‘No, Shri. Listen to me patiently. Very few people can work like you to achieve what you have, not bothering about material benefits or happiness in life. But nothing is free in life, Shri. In achieving your position, you have lost your Shrimati.

  ‘I cannot live in this kind of an atmosphere with these artificial values. I require to breathe fresh air. I do not want to live as your shadow. I want to find my own happiness. Shri, if I had not been sensitive and bright, I wouldn’t have had to suffer such loneliness. I could have enjoyed your wealth. When I was thinking about my life so far, what my goal has been, I have realized what I want.’

  Shrimati stopped. She was waiting for Shrikant to say something. But he was silent, still in shock.

  Shrimati continued.

  ‘Shri, I loved history and I loved you. In fact, once upon a time I loved you more than history. But when you lost your finer sentiments, chasing your success in the world of business, I was left with nothing other than history. For me, the glamour of money, house, car is immaterial. Shri, ask yourself. If you were in my shoes, what would you have done? The same thing that I am doing. Do you remember why you did not take up a job in Hubli? Because you knew your goal. Now, I am also clear about my goal and I want to achieve it. Shri, you are my guru. I learnt this from you. Whenever something new happens, people call it a revolution in the perspective of history and only later appreciate its significance. A running man cannot change his direction all of a sudden. In physics, you call that inertia. I know that if I leave now, it is very natural for society to talk about me. But let me not worry about that. A person can live only by his own faith. He needs to travel on his own path, whether it has stones or thorns. He cannot take some other path, even though it is smooth and rosy, and that is exactly what I am doing today.’

  Shrimati talked as if she had never got a chance to speak before. It was like lifting the valve off a pressure cooker. Shrikant just kept looking at Shrimati, his mind completely blank. She continued to speak.

  ‘Shri, what have I done all these years? I used to welcome your guests, keep your accounts, look after the house and fulfil the duties just the way your personal secretary does. I was your valuable, glittering ornament in the social circuit. I no longer want to be that. I want to live the way I want. Shri, I don’t want a divorce from you because in my view divorce is merely a document that permits you to remarry. It has no other significance. I do not have any such intentions. You cannot change your lifestyle. You are bound by that. Your job requires that kind of commitment and you cannot live without it. But I cannot adjust to that. In the best interests of both of us, this is the only solu
tion. Shri, you told me the other day that I am more intelligent than you and I can decide what I want. This is what I have decided.’

  Shrikant moved for the first time, from his long silence.

  ‘Shrimati, don’t make an emotional decision. I said so in the heat of anger. Are you aware of the consequences of your decision?’

  ‘Shri, I have thought about everything calmly for the last four weeks. You can definitely live without me. You will find an excellent secretary who can do all this work for you. You may miss me for some time but you will get used to. Shri, if you really need my help, please call me. Wherever I am, I will come and visit you. It is very difficult for me to leave you, but I have no other option. I married you because I loved you. I am not leaving you because of our quarrel. I am not going away because you are angry with me. I am not deserting you either for monetary gain or some other temptation. I am going away only because I want to be like you. You are not like a normal husband who would control his wife . . .’

  Shrimati’s eyes welled up with tears. She became emotional and there was a catch in her throat. Though she had thought over it and had taken a conscious decision, it was very difficult for her to talk any more. She was scared that if she stayed a little longer she might change her mind and get into the same trap again. She came near Shrikant and said, ‘Shri, I am leaving now. My house is always open to you. When you come to the US, do not go away without meeting me. Please keep in touch. Take care of your health. Don’t forget to drink skimmed milk. I will not ask you to come and say goodbye. It will be traumatic for both of us. I want to goodbye here itself. Shri, I cannot get a better friend than you.’ She kissed his forehead gently, hugged him warmly, then took her small bag and walked out.

  She left without even turning back.

  Stunned, Shrikant continued to gaze at her back. He felt that she was taking his spirit away with her.

  THIRTY-ONE

  The click of the door told Shrikant that Shrimati had gone. But he just could not believe that such a thing had happened. The Shrimati he saw that day was so different from the Shrimati he thought he knew. What she was and what he had thought about her was entirely contradictory. He had thought that she did not have the strength to withstand social stigma and lacked great will power.

  Shrikant was caught in a whirlpool of thoughts. Why did Shrimati do this? As far as he remembered her from their childhood days, she was shy but different from most women. She was bright and, most important, she was obedient. And that could be the reason that he had ignored her, because she was not aggressive and demanding. While other men in the office would say that they had to go home early and they could not work on Sundays, he used to make fun of them, ‘Oh, you do not know how to tell your wife. Look at me. My wife will never question me.’ He remembered that once Harish told him, ‘Shrikant, neither you nor your wife are normal. You are a lucky man. You do not have any family problem.’

  But now, he could understand what it had meant.

  When his chairman called him personally to congratulate him after his promotion, he was very proud of his success. He thought all his success was due to his own efforts. Now he thought of Shrimati. What was her share in his achievement? She always wished him progress, silently and constantly suffered her loneliness. Actually she had deserved a lion’s share in his achievements. But he never acknowledged it. Today, she had broken his pride by rejecting his position, his achievements and leaving him.

  Shrikant was amazed to see the papers that Shrimati had left for him. Why did Shrimati leave him? She had said she wanted clean air. Was this atmosphere suffocating her? In any business party, looking at profit and loss is a corporate culture. It is not philanthropy or history. Why did Shrimati take it personally? Was Shrimati scaring him? Had she gone for a few days? Though his heart wanted it to be that way, his mind said that it was not true.

  He thought once again. No one in this male-dominated society would appreciate her step but Shrimati had left him without even bothering about what people would think. She had acted on what she felt was right. Many more thoughts were constantly breaking like waves in his mind. Was it his mother who used to deliberately insult her and his sister who would taunt her that had made Shrimati bitter? It might have been one of the reasons for her decision. He felt guilty about it for the first time. He compared Shrimati’s difficulties with Rama’s, forgetting their level of sensitivity. Rama was so insensitive that she could quarrel with anybody and still go to that person’s house for dinner. How had he never thought about it?

  His memory went back to the story of Bhamati, the woman who had dedicated her entire life to her husband and he felt Shrimati was a shade better than Bhamati, who had never seen the outside world and did not know her capacity. Shrimati had served her husband with single-minded devotion knowing her capabilities and being aware of the outside world.

  Her husband recognized his wife’s sacrifice and named the book after her. That is what appeals to me more. Shrikant recollected what Shrimati had said long back.

  But, in her real life, her husband did not even recognize her sacrifice! How cruel it was for Shrimati . . .

  Shrikant felt pained. ‘Oh, Shrimati, I cannot live without you. You are my source of energy and inspiration. I can see the influence of your personality in all my work. Without you, I am incomplete.’ But he knew that it was too late. There were many pictures that came to his mind.

  When they had had less money, she would always save enough for him to buy books. Even though they were newly married, she wouldn’t disturb him while he was reading at home; rather, in their small house, she would sit in the kitchen and read some books. He remembered now how much she used to go out of her way to please his mother. In return, what did she get? Sheer rejection from his family and his negligence.

  Our myths say that during the churning of the oceans, the dangerous poison haalahala came out, but there was no taker for that. Then, Lord Shiva drank it for the benefit of mankind . . .

  Poor Shrimati swallowed every poisonous insult, just to keep Shrikant happy.

  Probably, children would have been the link that would have held their marriage together. But he might have kept them in a boarding school, like his colleagues had done, and pushed Shrimati to further sorrow. He was a man who could not take ‘a negative answer’ for anything. Be it any matter, it was his decision that was final. He wanted to win in every situation. He was a headstrong person and it was a wonder how she had coped with him.

  The cool breeze from the balcony blew into the hall and the keys on the table fell down. The papers flew in different directions. Shrikant did not have the energy to get up and collect them. He was worried about how she would live in the US without much money. She did not have any expensive habits though. If she had, she would not have left him. He was amazed at her meticulous entries of all the accounts. When he looked at the different keys, he did not know which was what. Everything was hurting him now. He had treated her just like an assistant and she had told him that he could get a better one. Was it ever possible? Nobody would do this kind of work for money. Shrimati had done it out of sheer love for Shrikant.

  Shrikant could hear the sound of the rain. It was Shravan, the rainy season, and it was pouring cats and dogs in Bombay. He returned to the real world. He was a man of action. Whatever had happened had happened. He felt he had to set things right. He had to tell his mother to love Shrimati. Then he realized what a futile exercise that would be. People cannot be taught or told to love; it should arise on its own.

  Where was Shrimati now? Had she reached the international airport? He felt like going and bringing her back. But his enthusiasm disappeared like a bubble when he thought about it rationally. If he brought Shrimati home, could he be the same Shrikant he was ten years ago? That was impossible. Shrikant was incapable of living the kind of life Shrimati wanted. He had lost the ability to love anyone selflessly or to open up to anybody because the world of business had changed him deeply. He had reached such a height tha
t he could not come down. Even if Shrimati had stayed in Bombay and done her doctorate she wouldn’t be happy as he would not be able to change his ways.

  She was educated, knowledgeable and good-natured. He had used her for his advantage. That was the reason Shrimati had gone away. All these thoughts revealed themselves to Shrikant, layer by layer.

  He became extremely angry with himself. He felt helpless. He was a victim of power, ambition, status and success.

  The sea was roaring as if it had witnessed the terrible tragedy. Suddenly, Shrikant remembered Ravi’s letter. When I think of Shrimati, I continue to be amazed by her clear thinking and her wise decisions, like when she chose to join arts college in spite of getting the first rank in her tenth board exams. Do you remember that we had laughed at her? Now when I look back, I feel she was the brightest. She knew what she liked and she did exactly that. Shrikant, you are very lucky to get such a companion.

  He regretted his actions now, after losing the fortune he had forgotten he possessed. He experienced the same shock, the same disappointment and the same agony that he had felt when he had lost his first rank, seventeen years ago. After all these years Shrikant felt that he had then lost a meaningless rank, but today, he had lost his most precious Shrimati.

  What would Shrimati be doing now, he wondered, looking at his watch. Maybe the mandatory custom checking is over. His eyes were full of tears, realizing that there would be nobody to even say goodbye to her. She was all alone. What would their mothers think? But it did not matter what people thought. What was important was that Shrimati had made her decision.

  He always thought that his own life was much more significant than hers and his own will stronger. But now he stood disheartened without Shrimati.

  The telephone rang, waking Shrikant up from his thoughts. The sound of the roaring sea and the pouring rain was ringing in his ears.