It had been a week since he’d been forced to let her family down at the wedding. A hellish week that had seen him emotionally dragged through the wringer and back out again. Ben’s cardiac arrest had taken them all by surprise, and Jack had tried to do his best for his stepson. Staying by his side day and night at the hospital as Ben’s condition deteriorated farther and farther. Being strong for Ben’s grandparents as they visited each day. Eventually, the doctors had told them that the oxygen starvation he’d suffered immediately after the arrest had left Ben with such severe brain damage that there was no reasonable hope of recovery.
He’d fought the doctors for days. Begged them to keep Ben on the ventilator that was keeping him breathing and giving him a chance. But then this afternoon, Ben’s heart had given out completely, and his all too short life had ended. Jack wasn’t sure about his beliefs about the hereafter but he liked to think that at least Ben was with Annie now, although that was little consolation for his loss.
Before the wedding, he’d only contacted Hector to explain, asking him to keep it in his confidence. In the days that followed he’d realized he needed to talk with someone—specifically with Kristin. But his texts and calls had gone unread and unanswered, leaving him further adrift. He hated the sensation. It reminded him too much of how he’d felt when Annie had passed away and made him begin to understand just how Kristin must have felt when he disappeared on her. But the key thing was, he needed her, and he’d only just begun to understand and accept that. But how was he going to get past her barriers now?
He looked up at Kristin’s building, to her floor and the windows that faced the street. Lights glowed from inside. Would she agree to see him? He’d never know if he didn’t get out of the car and go and find out. And somehow he had to explain why he’d let her down again.
He forced himself to alight from the car, grief and exhaustion dragging at every cell in his body. He still had so much to attend to. Appointing a funeral director, arranging notices, clearing Ben’s room at the residential unit where he’d been cared for, choosing the outfit for Ben to wear—the list went on. But right now he needed someone, and Kristin was the only person he wanted. The past few days had shown him that he needed her now like he’d never needed her before.
It had been a hard road to admit that he still loved her. Harder yet to accept that he always had. He’d believed he’d been able to shut off that part of himself. That he couldn’t have loved Annie the way he had, or had the life with her that they’d shared, if he’d still loved another woman. But he’d been so very wrong.
Each woman had been individual in her own right. His love for each was individual, too. He’d made himself walk away from Kristin before, thinking that if he made a clean break that it would be easier, somehow. But he’d been more wrong than he’d ever allowed himself to admit. It hadn’t been easy. Not on him and certainly not on her. Somehow he had to make amends and it started with the truth and admitting his feelings. Maybe today wasn’t the best day, given the week he’d had, but if not now, then when?
He gave his name to the attendant on the front desk and the man waved him through. Obviously, Kristin hadn’t had him removed from the approved visitors list yet. Or maybe, despite what she’d said to him via text message, she wanted him to fight for the tenuous relationship they’d created. He hoped the latter was true.
Friends with benefits? How stupid was that? There was nothing friendly in what they’d shared. Every touch, every kiss had been given from the depths of his heart and soul. Accepting that as his truth had been the challenge. And now he had to make her see it, too.
He exited the elevator on her floor and walked to her apartment entrance and pressed the buzzer. It wasn’t long before he heard her at the door. There was a hesitation, as if she’d seen him through the peephole and was debating whether or not to let him in.
He injected his voice with a surety he was far from feeling. “Kristin? Please. I’ll wait here as long as it takes, but I really need to see you, to talk.”
Still she waited on the other side. Then, thankfully, he heard her disengage the locks and pull the door open.
“You look like hell,” she said, her eyes raking over him.
There was no welcome in her gaze, no heat in her eyes, nor anticipation in her expression. Not even as much as a tiny smile graced her beautiful face. It was as if she’d locked up her emotions and thrown away the key. And it hurt to know he was the one responsible for doing that to her.
“Thanks. May I come in?”
“I opened the door, didn’t I?”
She stepped aside and he entered her foyer and waited for her to close the door. The subtle waft of her fragrance teased his nostrils and he wanted, more than anything, to take her in his arms and bury his face in her neck. To inhale the essential scent that was her and to let go of the fiercely held reins on his grief.
“Come in and sit before you fall down,” she said bluntly. “Have you eaten?”
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten or what it had been. Probably something Ben’s grandmother had brought up from the hospital cafeteria. He followed Kristin into the sitting room and sat on the couch.
“I’m okay.”
“I didn’t ask if you’re okay, I asked if you’d eaten.”
“Not in a while, no.”
Jack lifted a hand and rubbed his jaw. His fingers scraped on the bristles there, reminding him he hadn’t shaved for several days now, either. He must look a wreck.
“I’ll get you a sandwich.” As he started to protest she raised a hand. “It’s no bother. You really look like you need it.”
“As long as you don’t lace it with strychnine,” he said with a poor attempt at humor.
“Don’t tempt me,” she answered, her tone as flat as her expression.
He watched her as she went to her kitchen and quickly put together something for him. She was back in minutes and handed him a plate, together with a can of cola.
“Eat. Drink. Then you can talk.”
He didn’t argue. He hadn’t even realized he was hungry until he saw the fresh sourdough bread sandwich made with pickles, cheese and a generous slab of bologna. His mouth watered as he took the first bite. The sandwich was gone in no time, and the cola, too. He wiped his face with the paper napkin she’d provided and put it on the empty plate on the table in front of him.
“More?” she asked, rising from her seat.
He reached out and grabbed her hand. “No, please. Sit. I need to get some things off my chest. I’d be grateful if you could let me say my piece. I promise I’ll leave when I’m done.”
“Go on, then. Talk.”
Jackson drew in a deep breath and let it go slowly. “I guess I’d better start at the beginning.”
“Usually works best,” Kristin said cynically.
He looked at her carefully. There was tension in every line of her body and she still wore a visage of indifference. Somehow he needed to break through that line of defense she’d erected. He only hoped the truth would be enough.
“The reason I didn’t make it to the wedding was because my stepson, Ben, suffered a cardiac arrest.”
Kristin gasped softly in response. “You never told me you had a son. Did Hector know about him? ”
Jackson nodded and saw the pain that lashed her as it sunk in that he’d kept something so vital from her. He wished he could have turned back the clock and done things differently but he knew, only too well, that was an impossible feat. And by doing what he’d done all those years ago the first time he’d left her, he’d merely compounded the damage by keeping things to himself again.
“I’m sorry I never told you about him. After all the publicity surrounding her affair with Ben’s father, Annie was very protective of him and their privacy. I guess I was so used to observing her wishes on that score it became second nature not to talk about him. He wa
s a special man. He died this morning.”
She made a sound that was a cross between shock and sympathy. Then her brows furrowed. “A special man? He wasn’t a kid?”
“Annie was much older than me when we met. Ben was her son. He was only a few years younger than me and, due to complications during his delivery, he was born with intellectual difficulties that made him challenging as he grew older and stronger. He was prone to rages and, on a few occasions, hurt her quite badly. Unintentionally, of course, but she knew she couldn’t care for him on her own any longer. At first, she was reluctant to start a relationship with me at all. I was too young, she told me, and she didn’t think I would cope with being left one day with an adult special needs son. But I proved to her that we could be great together. We went out a few times and, eventually, she introduced me to Ben. He doesn’t take to strangers and I knew it would be a deal breaker if he didn’t warm to me but luckily Ben liked me, too.
“Annie finally saw that she could have more than what she’d allowed herself. She could have a relationship and still be a great mom to Ben. He was in a residential care facility by then, and it made her feel so terribly guilty at first, but his behavior began to improve little by little. She would have him on weekends when we could give him our fullest attention. Occasionally she’d bring him up here to Seattle to visit with his grandparents. She was originally from Seattle, and her parents are nearby.”
“That must have been hard. Having to win her trust and that of her son, too,” Kristin said.
He felt himself relax a little. She sounded as if she was thawing just a little.
“It was hard but it was worth every second. When Annie was diagnosed with cancer she went down really fast. I sometimes wonder if she hadn’t been with me, she might have sought medical help sooner, but it is what it is. We can’t turn back the clock.”
“Why would you say that? Why wouldn’t she have gone to the doctor earlier if she knew something was wrong?”
“Because she devoted all of her care and time and attention between me and Ben, and her clients, of course. She left no room for herself. She ignored all the warning signs until it was too late for effective treatment.”
“You can’t blame yourself for that, Jackson.”
“I know, but I still feel responsible, you know?”
“Yeah, probably in much the same way that I know Honor still feels some responsibility for my father’s fatal brain bleed when he died. They were arguing. It made no difference because he was a ticking time bomb as far as vascular issues went and he’d ignored his health for too long, but I can imagine that what you’re going through is very similar to her situation then.”
“Thanks. When we knew she wasn’t going to get better, I did everything I could to make sure her final months were as happy as they could be. We had Ben to the house as often as we could, but he didn’t cope well with her diminishing health. She found that hard, we all did. Ben and I became a lot closer then, and when Annie died I devoted as much time as I could to him. It helped me grieve her loss. And then Hector contacted me with his offer.
“Turned out, on Annie’s instructions, he’d also found the perfect residential unit for Ben here in Seattle—a place close enough that her parents—his grandparents—could visit weekly. Hector and Annie had been in discussions for some time, and she had already conducted video interviews with the staff and management and had a virtual tour of the facility. It felt as if, even in death, she was looking out for us. It was the kind of woman she was.”
“She sounds incredible,” Kristin murmured.
“She was. On her deathbed I promised her I would always look after Ben. While we’re not too dissimilar in age, he was like a six-year-old boy inside. He needed a parental figure and I was it. As he’s grown older he hasn’t coped with change as well. The move to Seattle almost crushed him, but he was starting to like his new care facility more and more. He loved coming to spend an evening with me on the weekends.
“Kristin, I want you to know that I take my responsibilities seriously. After that first time, when I left you in college, I learned a valuable lesson about people and life in general. I never reached out to you because I knew I’d hurt you and didn’t want to reignite that pain for you when you might have already moved on. This time around, being together the way we’ve been, it’s taught me another valuable lesson. One I tried to ignore at first but which I can’t overlook. I still love you. I always have. You were and always will be my first love.”
“I’m sorry, Jackson, but I find that hard to believe. People who love don’t let each other down. Especially not when it’s really important. They don’t keep important truths from each other.”
There was a bitterness to her voice that struck him to his core.
“I know, and I should have called you last Friday. But when I got the call that Ben had had a major heart event, my first thought was for him. I called Hector quickly on the way to the hospital and asked him not to explain my absence because it wasn’t something I wanted you to find out through someone else. I had realized that I needed to tell you about Ben, but his heart attack came out of the blue. I didn’t leave his side until he died this afternoon.”
Grief swelled from deep inside and threatened to choke him with its sheer volume. Silence stretched between the two of them.
“I guess you’re wondering where that leaves us,” he said heavily.
This was going to be the hard part. Convincing Kristin that his feelings for her were real. That they’d never left him.
“There isn’t an us, Jackson. I thought I could do the friends-with-benefits thing, but I can’t. Trust is a major issue for me. Not just after what happened when we were younger but with a more recent relationship and with my Dad as well. I’m sorry about your stepson. I truly am. But it doesn’t change anything for me. You chose not to tell me about your parents until recently and then only because you could have been on the verge of losing my family’s business. You also chose not to tell me about your late wife until provoked, or your stepson or why you couldn’t be there at Hector and Mom’s wedding.
“I had begun to believe that you were different to what you were before. That maybe, with time, we’d be able to work beyond our past and create a future together. That you’d learned how essential good communication is between two people who have feelings for one another.” She shook her head sadly. “But it’s not going to happen. I’m confident you are the best lawyer for our family. You have more than proved yourself on that issue. But you can’t seem to communicate with me unless it’s with your body and that’s not enough. I need more than that. Look, let me explain. After Dad died I was crushed. We’d loved and trusted him our whole lives and he’d cheated on us all. Then, when the corporate espionage was exposed, I learned that my right-hand man in the office—a man I thought I’d started to fall in love with and maybe had a future with and whom I’d welcomed into my bed—was using me to pass on information to our main competitor. Discovering that abuse of my trust nearly destroyed me. So understand this, if nothing else, I won’t let you hurt me again.”
Jackson listened to her with a heart that grew heavier with each word she uttered. He’d messed up. Totally and utterly. There was no returning from this unless she had a change of heart, and it would be unkind to try and force her to do that.
“I never wanted to hurt you, ever. I love you, Kristin. Your happiness means more to me now than I ever understood when I was younger. Hardship has taught me a lot of things, and among them, when to walk away. I thought I was doing the right thing when I walked away from you in college. I learned a long time ago that it wasn’t. But please understand that as I walk away from you now, it’s because you want me to and for no other reason. I want what is best for you, always. All I ask is that you let yourself be happy, Kristin.”
“You think I don’t want to be happy?”
“Oh, I know you do. But the hurt
I caused you, along with the things life has thrown at you, have made you shore up your defenses. I think you’d rather be alone than take a risk on someone.”
“I took a risk on our friends-with-benefits thing,” she said defensively.
“A risk? Or was it an easy out like I thought it was for me? The fun without the commitment? I have to be honest with you, Kristin. I can no more see you as a friend now than I could the first time I met you. There is something about you that completes me and to which I’m drawn like a magnet. When we’re together, it’s like we’re two halves of the same soul. And when we’re apart, I’m only half me. But I can live with that, if that’s what you want, because it’s what you want. Even if it isn’t what we both need.”
He rose from the couch and shoved his hands in his pockets, knowing that if he didn’t he’d do something dumb like reach for her, pull her into his arms and try to kiss her into agreeing with him. But it would be his will against hers and he would not do that to her.
“Thanks for listening. No doubt we’ll see each other through work. Take care, Kristin. And remember, more than anything, I hope you find your happiness.”
He walked to the door and let himself out, closing her apartment door behind him carefully. With every step to the elevator he felt as if he was leaving the most important part of himself behind. He’d known loss—his parents, Annie, Ben—but none of that was anything on how he felt right now. The elevator opened and he forced his feet to keep moving forward and stepped inside. The doors slowly began to close.
“Wait!”
A voice, Kristin’s voice, and her hand came through the closing doors and they sprang open, revealing her standing there. Tears poured down her face and she shook with emotion.
“I won’t let you leave me again.”
What Happens at Christmas… Page 16