Sanguine

by Carolyn Denman

  ‘No conflict,’ he repeated, playing with one of my loose curls as if he could trick it into behaving. ‘So what you’re trying to tell me is that if we were in Eden now …’

  My throat tightened and I couldn’t tell him that if we were in Eden, he would be lying on grass as soft as velvet, with warm mud smudged across his ankle and laughter in his eyes. No one would disturb us for as long as we chose, but they would leave us gifts of berries and nuts and sweet breads, scattered around where we could find them like a treasure hunt. We would dance to the song of the River and our bodies would hum in resonance with each other’s heartbeat. I would be able to—

  ‘Um, Lainie?’

  I opened my eyes to see him grinning, so I did too.

  ‘If we were in Eden now,’ he said again, in a low voice, ‘we would spare no thought about consequences, because there are never any bad ones?’

  All I could manage was a nod as I savoured the feel of his touch on my collarbone and wondered how hard it would be for him to heal me if my heart kept up its tripped-up rhythm.

  ‘But we’re not in Eden,’ he said.

  Our sighs were synchronised. ‘And so I will try to be more … sensible, for everyone’s sake,’ I promised.

  He tilted his head, looking like he was trying to work out how to say something else, or perhaps ask a question, but just then we heard the front gate open.

  Pressing my forehead against the half-open window, I watched Nicole arrive on her four-wheeler, with her dog, Blue, perched on the back. Wendy was running around them in circles, impatient for her playmate to jump down and join her. The two dogs pelted off across the lawn just as Noah appeared and gathered his sister into an enormous hug. She shrugged him off after just a couple of seconds, and didn’t notice me waving to her from the window.

  ‘Is Tim here?’ I heard her ask. ‘I thought he might like to see my new stud. He just arrived from Birchip this morning.’

  Her brother scratched his temple. ‘Tim … Tim … oh, you mean the cute city guy who never set foot on a sheep farm before this week? Sorry, Nic, he had to go home. You know, back to his city life where he’s surrounded by city girls who wear dresses and high heels and fake eyelashes. I’ll let him know you want him to see your ram, though.’

  She punched him hard on the shoulder.

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tessa leap from her armchair and stride down the hall. I had never seen a pregnant woman move so quickly. I stuck my head out the window again so I could watch as Tessa stopped just outside the front door to scowl at Noah. He threw her a sheepish apologetic smile.

  ‘Hi, Tess, how’s my nephew today? You ready for some dexa yet?’

  Dexamethasone was a drug used for inducing labour in sheep. Trust Nicole to have had some on hand.

  Tessa gave a short laugh. ‘I’ve been told that babies are much easier to look after when they’re on the inside, so I’m happy to keep him where he is for as long as possible, thanks. Maybe ask me again in a couple of weeks.’

  ‘Nicole!’ I called, but she didn’t hear me, so I started to head towards the front door. I couldn’t wait to catch up with my neighbour. She’d blossomed from the precocious tomboy I had known into a vibrant young woman. But Bane kept hold of my hand.

  ‘Lainie, wait. Before you go and get caught up with Nicole, I wanted to ask if you would like to come with me to see Mum. I haven’t had a chance to visit her yet and, well, I would really like her to see you.’

  Mrs Millard who taught us music in primary school? He wanted me to visit his mum? Of course! I was entranced with the idea. I could see where he grew up. His house, his family, his bedroom. He had a whole childhood that I really knew nothing about, except from the skewed view of him I had known from school, and my memories from then were hazy at best. I wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘When can we go?’

  ‘The sooner the better. She gives piano lessons after school so it would be better to go now rather than wait. If you’re sure you’re ready.’

  Ready? Oh. Was I likely to do something inappropriate? Should I wait a few more days to acclimatise a bit more first? I certainly didn’t need to embarrass him in front of his mum. New resolution: get back in the habit of running a quick inventory of what I was wearing. My jeans only had one hole in the left knee and my shirt was good enough without the top button done up. Of course, I still had bare feet. Did that matter?

  ‘Will she think I’m too weird?’

  ‘Of course not. You’re perfect. I just meant that it can be a bit daunting to meet your boyfriend’s mum for the first time, or so I’ve heard. I want to make certain you’re comfortable with the idea. Personally, I can’t wait to introduce you.’

  ‘Boyfriend?’ It was such a flippant term for what we had. ‘Okay, I’ll just say hi to Nicole first. Oh, and I need to get my shoes because I left them by the river again.’

  Bane nodded, but a flash of apprehension crossed his face. Perhaps he was more nervous about me seeing his mum than he let on.

  By the time I got to the front door, Dallmin had appeared and was admiring the ATV. Both dogs were jumping all over him, which made him laugh. Nicole wasn’t so impressed.

  ‘Blue! Down! What’s with you? Get off ‘im!’ she growled. Wendy ran off again, unrepentant, but Blue crouched low with his tail tucked. Dallmin looked shocked. He would never have seen anyone discipline an animal before. I winced as I realised it was just one more aspect of life here that he probably shouldn’t be exposed to, as harmless as it seemed.

  ‘Sorry, mate,’ she apologised, holding the dog by the collar. ‘He’s usually better behaved than that. I don’t know what his problem is. I’m Nicole. Noah’s sister.’ She held her hand out for him to shake and he took it and kissed the inside of her wrist, the way we sometimes did in Eden. To him it was a casual greeting and an automatic response to her introduction, but Nicole’s cheeks turned a deep red. Dallmin glanced at me to check if he should speak out loud. I nodded. No more rules. Rules were for the tainted. All that rules did were to make more rule-breakers. Dallmin didn’t need them. Aligning his desires to act in the best interest of the people around him was as natural to him as breathing, and I was determined to keep him that way.

  ‘Hi, Nicole, my name is Dallmin. May I ride on your car?’

  She blinked, and then looked him over. A fresh smile accompanied a look of open admiration for what she saw. He did look good in Bane’s clothes, even if they were a bit loose on him.

  ‘Another city guy then, huh? Fine. Hop on, let me show you the difference between a car and an ATV. Can you can hold on with that sore hand? What did you—’

  That was when she noticed me waiting to greet her, but my words were stifled by her frosty stare that lasted far too long. When she did look away, she seemed intent only on showing Dallmin where to hold on. Bane squeezed my hand as they drove off in a spray of muddy gravel, the two dogs racing along behind.

  Something deep inside me screamed silently. No one had looked at me that way for years and I didn’t understand why she would. Had I misinterpreted something? A tiny voice, long suppressed, was telling me that I deserved it, but I didn’t know why. I felt sick to the stomach. Something was very wrong. Forgetting was not healing and I needed to remember … No. I didn’t want to.

  Noah was watching me so attentively that he must have forgotten to blink because his eyes went all teary. ‘Lainie, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You remember how Nicole can be, don’t you?’

  Everyone looked at me like they were waiting for me to do something.

  I swallowed down my nerves. ‘Nicole can be temperamental. She ran away a lot,’ I recalled. The terror was subsiding, although my hands were still trembling. Everyone relaxed a bit. Bane held me until I was breathing normally again and when I straightened to compose myself I noticed Noah looking at Bane, who nodded slightly in return.

  ‘Are you still up for
a visit to Mum’s place?’ Bane asked with his usual half smile. ‘She makes the best home-made sausage rolls, and we haven’t had lunch yet.’ They were trying to get me off the farm before Nicole came back. I had issues but I wasn’t stupid. I also wasn’t ready to argue about it so I nodded. Meeting his mum sounded like a much easier course of action and I was pretty hungry.

  Beth Millard let me play her flute. A real metal one like Beltana’s. It was similar to hers although not as pretty, and the sound had a slightly shrill edge to it. My songs were far from perfect but I was pleased that I could remember them because memories were so easily messed up by the transition between worlds. I was even more pleased by Bane’s reaction. Smugness was not very Eden-like but I couldn’t help it when I saw his surprise.

  Beth’s reaction was even better. She asked who had taught me but I couldn’t tell her. She seemed a little miffed, as if she was jealous that another teacher had encroached on her territory—apparently I should have come to her for lessons instead. That made Bane laugh. Her response to that was to pull out his baby photos. He sulked at the far end of the couch while his mum told the story of how he once threw a temper tantrum at her for getting too close to the edge of Elephant Rock when they went hiking in the Grampians. He had only been four years old. His protective characteristics had obviously begun early.

  When it was time to leave, Beth gave me her old flute and made me promise to keep practising. Even second-hand it was worth a fair bit of money so I felt very privileged. And a bit intimidated. Even if I’d never met her before and only heard her voice, I still would have known she was a teacher in an instant. They were always easy to pick. Especially the ones who taught young children.

  Her first student knocked on the door as we were saying goodbye, but she refused to cut short the un-teacher-like hug she was giving me.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re back, Lainie. I haven’t seen my son this happy for a long time. Thank you. I know everything will work out for you both this time. I’ve been praying for you.’

  My breath caught. Did she have any idea how valuable that was for us, or was it just something she said out of habit? Either way, I was deeply moved by the sentiment and I squeezed her back so tightly I made her laugh.

  ‘And Bane,’ she said when I let her go. ‘Make sure you catch up with your old school friends soon. One of them still pops by from time to time to ask when you’ll be home.’

  ‘Really? Who?’ I asked.

  ‘Hey,’ Bane complained. ‘No need to sound so doubtful. I did have some friends.’

  I turned back to his mum for confirmation.

  ‘Sorry, can’t remember his name. It isn’t like you ever had any of your friends come over. The downside of having a teacher-parent.’

  ‘Yeah, that was the problem,’ Bane said, making me laugh.

  I cuddled my new flute to my chest and opened the door for a young boy with a runny nose and rainbow music folder, while Bane gave his mum a quick hug and whispered in her ear. She gasped and nodded, an ecstatic grin taking over her features. As we walked to the car I glanced back, his mum was still watching us, smiling, with tears sparkling in her pale grey eyes.

  Chapter 27

  ‘Booked in for a tandem flight for the day after tomorrow,’ Noah announced as he hung up his phone. ‘Assuming the weather holds. You do realise that this is the worst time of year for hang gliding. The winds are unpredictable.’

  We had finished dinner and were all putting off getting up for our various evening chores. Tessa looked exhausted again. All she’d done was help to catch a few loose sheep and then drive Dallmin into town for a tetanus shot. I would have to pay more attention and try to predict what she wanted done before she could do it herself.

  ‘We can’t exactly wait for summer. We’ll just have to hope for the best,’ Aunt Lily said, hunching over the local paper to read without letting Dallmin get too close a look.

  ‘When will we leave?’ I asked. ‘Isn’t Sergeant Loxwood coming around to talk to me sometime?’

  ‘I’ll tell him you’re busy,’ my Aunt said, a bit too quickly.

  The sergeant had called in when we’d been in town visiting Bane’s mum. He wanted to speak with me but said it wasn’t urgent, which was good, because everyone seemed reluctant to let him see me. Me included. The last time I’d seen the policeman …

  ‘How long will it take to get there?’ Dallmin asked, bouncing off his chair like he was ready to leave.

  Noah clucked his tongue at his impatience. ‘If you leave tomorrow lunchtime, you’ll get to Bright by dinner.’ Then he nodded to Bane. ‘I’ve booked a hotel for you. Two rooms, I hope that’s okay. He’ll fly first thing the following morning, weather permitting. I’ve emailed you the details.’

  ‘You’re not coming?’ I asked. He was the expert when it came to hang gliding.

  Tessa spoke up before Noah could reply. ‘Five and a half hours in a car? No thanks.’

  The centre where Noah usually went was closed for the winter, so we were being forced to travel a lot farther than we would have liked. Then I remembered something.

  ‘Hey, what happened with the tandem harness? Did you get it back in time? You didn’t lose your pilot’s licence, did you?’ It would be dreadful if he wasn’t allowed to fly anymore.

  Tessa laughed. ‘No problem. Noah charmed his way out of trouble, as usual. With everything that happened they were very understanding.’ In the corner of my eye I noticed Bane’s shoulders stiffen. Apparently so did Tessa. ‘In fact, he took me flying often in that first year,’ she said quickly. ‘I got my licence too. We made quite a team until recent developments made me have to stop,’ she said, rubbing her belly. ‘We even won the Mallee Hang Gliding Championship.’

  I was intrigued. ‘How do you hang glide in the Mallee? It’s so flat!’

  ‘Car towing,’ Noah replied. ‘Tessa’s the best at launching me. She always seems to know the safest amount of tension to use. And her timing is impeccable.’

  ‘Are you certain that’s not cheating? She does have a bit of an advantage,’ I objected.

  He spread his hands. ‘Using every available method to stay safe is not cheating. And the skill is in the flying, and reading the thermals, not just the launch. Tessa has her own trophy to prove it.’

  My smile was full of pride. I knew she had it in her. She fidgeted in her seat again, uncomfortable with the praise—or was she easing her stiff back? Dallmin, Noah and I all raced to be the first to pass her a pillow.

  ‘I can’t even scratch myself without you three noticing. It’s a bit embarrassing,’ she mumbled.

  ‘We all notice, but not all of us treat you as if you’re about to fall apart,’ Bane remarked as he nicked the fitness magazine she was reading.

  ‘No, you’re too busy making sure Lainie doesn’t, and she doesn’t need it either,’ she countered, snatching it right back.

  ‘Point taken. Lainie’s doing great. She even managed to win over my mum today. Effortlessly. No small feat, given that I’m her only child. The flute playing helped. Did you teach her that, Dallmin?’

  He looked at me. How much can I say about home? They are not permitted to know too much, is that correct?

  I hadn’t considered that. Did he have an embargo on talking about Eden too? Only one way to find out.

  ‘Tell them whatever you’re comfortable saying,’ I suggested.

  When any of us tried to talk about Eden we were literally choked by guilt, but he didn’t know the meaning of guilt, so what would stop him from speaking?

  He turned back to Bane. ‘We all helped to teach her. She is just a child. She couldn’t play anything when she first arrived—it was quite funny. Even her singing was … strange. So was Annie’s at first, until her voice healed, and when she practised it became stronger and sweeter. Lainie’s voice is lovely now too.’

  Noah looked ready to pee himself l
aughing. He’d heard me sing. Obviously he didn’t realise that any difficulty in hearing or replicating perfect pitch was a physical imperfection that was healed along with everything else when I ate the Living Fruit—or swam in the River. Maybe if I dunked him in the water a bit more often he would learn to carry a tune too.

  Bane raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You can sing now? Wait till I tell Mum, she’ll be stoked.’

  ‘I wouldn’t go setting her up for a performance in front of your mum just yet,’ Noah warned. ‘Just because the jolly elf says she can sing doesn’t mean she’s up to Mrs Millard’s high standard. Your mum once kept me in at lunchtime until I could play All things Bright and Beautiful note-perfect on the recorder. Honestly, who keeps a kid in at lunchtime in grade three?’ He shifted to let Dallmin pick up my new flute from the table. ‘Besides, Dallmin’s incapable of saying anything negative, remember? I grew up listening to Lainie belt out tunes with her earphones in. I have scars.’

  I threw a cushion at him before Tess could react. It was never going to hurt him so she barely flinched. It was a bit sad that I could no longer beat him up properly, it was fun back when I didn’t know it hurt Tessa.

  Noah didn’t retaliate. He was busy watching Dallmin put my flute together and fiddle with a couple of the keys. A moment later, the ‘jolly elf’ launched into a complicated tune that would have made Bane’s mum faint. I grinned and sang along in the honeyed language we used for celebrations. We were the only ones in the room who could understand the beautiful lyrics, which was a bit disappointing, although at least that made it possible for me to sing them without being hamstrung by the embargo. The song was about the birth of a baby. We used to sing it a lot but it was so much more meaningful singing it for Tessa.

  Intricate melodies echoed all the promise of what the baby would feel when he first experienced touch and sight and music. Bright notes welcomed the new mother-child bond in all its safe intimacy. Tessa and the baby were poignantly cherished by the power of the music, even though she couldn’t understand the meaning of the words. Dallmin and I poured all our love and devotion for them into our song so that by the end she was crying. So was Aunt Lily. Even Noah and Bane looked a little unhinged as the last notes faded.