by Sidney Wood
Just before 5 pm, the doorbell rang.
Miranda’s head snapped toward the front door then to her mom. “Are we expecting anyone?”
“I don’t think so.” Ulie wiped her hands on a kitchen towel and opened the door to see a familiar face waiting on the porch.
“Phillip, it’s good to see you.” Ulie quickly searched his face as she leaned forward to kiss his cheek. She stepped aside to let him enter.
“I just wanted to check in, to um…make sure you were alright.” His eyes darted past her shoulder toward the kitchen, nostrils flaring as he inhaled. “Am I intruding on your dinner?”
“Of course not, you’re always welcome, Phillip.” Ulie smiled, stepping closer, she draped her arms around his shoulders and kissed his lips. Phillip kissed her back heartily.
A surprising chill ran through Ulie. For the first time since leaving Chuck, her heart felt disconnected from the act her body performed. She kissed Phillip because she knew he wanted her to, not because she loved him. “Do I still love him?” she wondered.
Disgusted with herself, Ulie forced a plastic smile.
Phillip waved at Miranda.
She waved back, offering a feeble half smile.
Turning back to Ulie, he smiled, cheeks red with obvious relief. “To be honest, I’m starving.”
With a guest in their apartment, Miranda’s attitude improved, but Ulie sensed something amiss. During dinner, Ulie caught her daughter oddly staring at Phillip. “What the heck is going on with her?” Whatever the issue, Ulie hoped Phillip didn’t notice Miranda’s inquisitive stares.
At last, Phillip excused himself. “I have a lecture to prepare and I’m afraid I let the week slip away from me.”
Ulie blinked, taking the pasta dish in her hands and walking it to the kitchen. “I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time, Phillip. I never want to be a bother.”
Abandoning his shoes by the door, Phillip hurried to join her next to the sink. Placing his warm hands on her shoulders, he soothed her with his soft, high-pitched voice. “Ulie, you’re never a bother.” His lips descended on her neck softly, touching her delicately and lightly as if brushing her with a feather. “Time spent with you is never wasted.”
Tickled by his lips and comforted by his words, Ulie allowed a smile. “Thank you.” In the back of her mind, Ulie knew he wanted more, that he waited for her answer. Unable to make the leap, she continued to put food away while Phillip stood awkwardly silent behind her.
At last, Phillip returned to the doorway and his shoes.
Ulie tried to ignore the despondency in his eyes as he lingered in the threshold. He opened the door. “Thank you for a lovely dinner, Ulie. It was a pleasure to see you, Miranda.” He waved.
Ulie walked toward the doorway. She hoped he’d leave before she made it all the way and was relieved when he nodded and closed the door. Her insides twisted and roiled at the way she treated such a kind and patient man. She owed him an answer.
It seemed like an easy decision when she looked at it objectively, but relationships don’t work that way. Emotions make things messy. Ulie tried listing pros and cons, identifying strengths and weaknesses, and every other measuring tool she could think of. Everything pointed to Phillip, yet…something held her back.
“Am I being selfish? Am I sabotaging my happiness for some reason?” Possibly, but what if the dissenting voice in her head and heart was the voice of reason? What if it kept her from making a terrible mistake?
“This is maddening!”
Phillip was an absolute gentleman. He could be a little dry at times, but he made a perfect match for anyone needing stability. Ulie winced. “I need that…a lot.” The twists and knots inside her began to unravel, and she warmed to the idea. “Phillip is a wonderful partner.” He’d treat her well, and she believed that he cared for Miranda too.
Ulie’s hands began shaking, and she nearly choked with fear, as she realized she had just rejected Phillip for the second time.
“Wait!” Ulie shouted, throwing the door open.
Phillip turned, startled.
Ulie’s heart raced as she reached for Phillip, needing him as close to her as humanly possible. “Yes! My answer is yes!”
Phillip’s mouth spread into a wide grin as he caught her in his arms, lifting her up and trapping her in the tightest hug she had ever felt. Although his bony arms were painfully squeezing her ribs, his excitement made her laugh as they spun around in a circle. It felt like they were dancing as she held Phillip’s face in her hands and kissed him. He didn’t appear to notice the lack of passion. His wide smile expressed genuine happiness, and he laughed as he spun her around.
A few moments later, they said their goodbyes and Ulie returned inside. She turned toward the door and engaged the deadbolt. Trembling, she leaned her head on the flat wooden panel and repeatedly bumped against it.
“What have I done?” she whispered in a panic.
Phillip doted on her, proposed to her, and patiently waited until she finally said yes, yet as soon as she said the words she began thinking about Noah. She thought of how every kiss had been like fire between them, and his arms made her feel safe and warm, never hurting her. After everything that had happened, she still hungered for his touch.
Ulie turned away from the door, biting her lip as she twisted the shiny new ring that adorned her finger.
“That wasn’t awkward at all,” Miranda said. Her arms were folded again, her expression accusatory and inquisitive at the same time.
Sighing, Ulie joined her at the table. “Yes, it was. I’m sorry baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Slumping into a chair, she rested her head on her forearms. To her surprise, Miranda placed a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. Her small hands were warm and Ulie couldn’t deny that she felt comforted.
Miranda gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Wanna tell me about it?”
Ulie cocked her head to peek with one eye. “Um, no!” She laughed. “Go to bed. If I need advice about my love life, I won’t be asking a nine-year-old. I’ll call Aunt Amy once you’re tucked into bed.”
“But,”
Ulie took Miranda’s hand and kissed it. “No buts. Go to bed.”
“Okay, but can I show you something first?”
Ulie twisted her lips sideways, pondering whether to get tough or bend. “Will it be quick?”
Miranda spun on her heel and raced to her room. She didn’t bother answering until she sprinted back to the table. “It’ll be super-fast, I promise!” She shoved her unlocked phone toward her mom. “Here. Read these!” Her eyes were wide with anticipation and she leaned forward enthusiastically.
Ulie took the phone suspiciously and read the name at the top of the screen. “Luke?”
Miranda nodded. “Just read it mom. Scroll up to the beginning.”
Several minutes of anxious silence passed as Ulie read her daughter’s texts with Noah’s son, Luke.
At last, Ulie handed Miranda’s phone back, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. She sniffed loudly and chuckled at her sad state.
“Well, what do you think?” Miranda said.
Ulie shrugged. “I don’t know sweetie.” Those four words were the sum of it. Ulie felt lost.
“Seriously, Mom?” Miranda’s jaw dropped. “You have to choose.”
Ulie stood. “Okay, young lady, that’s enough drama for one night. Go get ready for bed.”
Miranda growled through clenched teeth, but before Ulie could scold her again, she lunged forward throwing her arms around her mother’s neck. “I love you, Mom. I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.”
Ulie froze, arms half extended and not entirely sure what just happened. She went with it, hugging her daughter in a warm embrace. “Thank you, Sweetie. I’ll always be happy, as long as I have you.” She kissed Miranda’s cheek, squeezing her tightly. “Now forget about all of this grown-up stuff and get some sleep.” She swatted Miranda’s bottom half-heartedly.
“Night, Mom.”
Miranda raced to her room and closed the door.
“Good night, baby girl.”
Taking her phone to the couch, Ulie switched on the television for background noise. Her pinky finger brushed up and down against her ring finger, rolling the new engagement ring side to side as she waited for Amy to pick up.
“Hello?” Noisy whirring droned in the background and Amy raised her voice over it.
“Hey, it’s me. Do you have a few minutes? I really need to talk.”
“Hang on.”
Ulie heard a metallic click, and the background noise hushed.
“There,” Amy said. “Better?”
“Yeah, is everything alright? I can call you tomorrow if you’re busy.” She hoped she didn’t sound as pathetic to Amy as she thought.
Amy snorted. “Nah, I’m all yours beautiful. What’s on your mind? Guy trouble?”
Ulie closed her eyes and leaned back. She hadn’t said a word and already felt relieved. Just knowing Amy was there for her took the load off her shoulders. “You could say that.” Ulie sniffed and laughed. “I’m, uh, engaged.” She sniffed again, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “And I think I made a big mistake.”
That was it. The waterworks started and she couldn’t turn them off.
“Sweet Jesus,” Amy said. “Tell me what the hell happened.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ulie sat back on the couch, still feeling the effects of her emotional rollercoaster. Amy helped her through it, like always, but it hadn’t been easy. Ulie didn’t want to accept that it wasn’t all her fault, or that good things could still come from her complicated mess. She made a mental note to do something special for Amy as a thank you.
Her best friend had always looked out for her, had always been there, at least by phone. Ulie knew Amy had a hopeless love life. Part of the blame lay with her choice of career over love, and part of it belonged to her miles-wide stubborn streak. It would take a tough man to settle Amy down.
Fatigue withered Ulie’s ability to reason, but one thing remained clear; she wanted to be close to Noah. She had made up her mind and she was done ignoring how she truly felt. Ulie picked up her phone hoping to find a saved message or voicemail, but everything was gone, even his contact information. Opening her pictures, she swiped through months of memories, ultimately failing in that search too.
Ulie moaned, knowing she did it to herself. “Why did I delete everything?” She wanted to feel connected to Noah, to see his face or hear his voice, and to read his magical words again. Ulie wanted Noah.
Tears threatened to spill as she dwelled on the revelations of the past few hours. Against all odds, and despite her own stubborn will, Ulie finally had answers…and they broke her heart. All her anger, the way she despised him and cursed his name, had been misplaced. Consumed by her own life’s fiery destruction, she never stopped to wonder about his. Maybe the scales didn’t balance, and maybe forgiving him would be impossible in the end; but for now, she had to try. She owed him the chance to tell her the truth, if it wasn’t already too late.
But she couldn’t reach out to him, not yet. Before she could even test the waters, she had to end things with Phillip.
Ulie’s heart sank. She didn’t want to hurt him. After all his kindness and patience, Phillip didn’t deserve that. She recalled all the romantic evenings Phillip had planned for her, the intimacy they shared, and the shocking surprise of his proposal. He had outdone himself. Through months of polite courtship, Phillip had shown her a depth of character and romance she didn’t know he possessed. But it wasn’t enough, and that was completely unfair. Falling onto her side, she drew her legs onto the couch.
“Why does life have to be so complicated,” she mumbled. Her eyelids grew heavy and she closed them. “Just resting them for a moment…”
****
Miranda flipped the light switch off on her way back to bed then stopped. Her mother’s snoring came from the living room instead of her bedroom. Curious, Miranda went to investigate. She found her fast asleep on the couch. Trying not to wake her, Miranda placed a blanket over her slumbering mom and tiptoed quietly back to bed.
Before closing her eyes for the night, Miranda sent her friend a text message. “Hey, are you still awake?” Send.
Almost midnight in Alaska, Luke must have been sleeping. He didn’t reply.
“Please, don’t be mad at me, but…I told my mom…everything.” Send.
She watched her phone for a while, but Luke didn’t respond. Miranda plugged the charging cord into her phone and closed her eyes. A smile slowly spread across her face as she recalled her mother at her happiest. Some of the moments were from years before, but one stood out. She didn’t understand the depth of the moment until recently. On their first mother – daughter trip to Alaska, Miranda saw her new friend Luke in a bookstore. He was nice enough, and she enjoyed his company, but something strange happened when his dad and her mom started talking. Her mother’s cheeks turned a rosy pink, and her eyes sparkled as she stared into the tall, handsome man’s face. She recalled how her mom smiled and shyly bit her lip as they talked. At the time, Miranda wondered why her mom looked that way. It appeared odd to her then, but now she recognized it.
Love.
Miranda wished her mom and dad had stayed together, but she could tell that neither of them wanted to. They hadn’t wanted to for a long time. Sometimes her dad behaved like a jerk toward her mom, and Miranda had noticed. She made sure to hug her mom a lot on those days.
Since moving to Florida with her dad, Miranda saw a big change in him too. He seemed happier, almost immediately. Her dad’s girlfriend, a short blonde police officer, treated Miranda like a little sister. Once Miranda got to know her, they had lots of fun.
Clenching her eyelids tightly, Miranda made a wish. “I hope my mom finds her smile again, the one that makes her cheeks turn pink and her eyes all shiny.”
She drifted off to sleep.
****
Ulie woke up to a nightmare on Monday. The day started with a healthy dose of oversleeping, which set her rushing to catch up. As she hurried to shower and throw on her clothes, Ulie found every noise to be a distraction, causing her to pause and listen. Phillip might show up unexpectedly and force her to face the music before she was ready. “Why didn’t I wait?” she groaned again. The question bounced around in her head, an unofficial theme for her day.
Bent over and leaning against the door, Ulie shoved her left foot into one of her tan pumps. “Time to go!”
“Yep. I’m ready.” Miranda’s cheerful demeanor made Ulie pause.
She looked up to see her daughter fully dressed and grinning. Miranda’s infectious smile transferred to Ulie.
“What got into you?”
“Nothing, Mom. I’m just excited for you.”
Ulie puffed air through her lips like a deflating balloon. “Excited about me being a mess? I think terrifying fits my situation better than exciting.” She opened the door and ushered Miranda out of the apartment. “Come on, kiddo, we’re late.”
In the car, Miranda restarted their conversation. “Mom think about it. You have two men dying to be with you! You know what that means, right?”
Turning toward the school, Ulie frowned. “That I have a fifty-fifty chance at screwing things up for everyone?”
Miranda rolled her eyes. “No, Mom, it means You’re amazing!”
Tiny wrinkles appeared on Ulie’s nose as she squinted, considering her daughter’s words. Cocking her head, she passed Miranda a sideways glance. “You know what? You’re a lot smarted than me.”
Miranda beamed, looking out the window.
Ulie touched her daughter’s hair with one hand. “Thank you, Sweetie. Sometimes I make things more complicated than they need to be.” She parked next to the curb. “Have a great day.”
Miranda opened her door and bounced off the seat. “Love you, Mom!”
The door slammed close just as Ulie replied. “I love you too!” Her words, deafening in he
r own ears, trailed off inside the close confines of the car. Ulie sighed and resumed her isolated drive to work. She planned to put in a couple of hours before her first class.
As she drove, Miranda’s words echoed in her head. “You’re amazing!” Ulie smirked. “That kid is something else.”
The past two years had been two of the scariest, most painful years of her life. But in there, nestled between the fear, hurt, and frustration, were long periods of joy. No matter what happened, Ulie knew she’d be okay.
Chapter Thirty (One week later)
“Brother, you may want to open her back up.” Grinning, Bill held a forearm’s length of red wire above his head and wiggled it. One end had been neatly crimped with a connector, while the other waited to be finished.
“I thought I…” His voice trailed off, his face contorting into a Clint Eastwood grimace. Noah looked at the wire, and then at the Fat Boy he had just finished buttoning up. He groaned. He forgot to patch in the replacement wire after finding a short. The wiring harness remained split open and the defective section of wire rested on the ground at his feet. Extending an open hand toward Bill, he hung his head in defeat.
Noah was slipping. Some nights he barely slept, having terrible, heartbreaking nightmares about Ulie. The lack of sleep showed, and if he couldn’t pull it together, he could lose his job.
Bill chuckled and slapped the wire into Noah’s palm. “Ah, don’t sweat it man. I forget shit all the time.” It was true, and Noah used to take great pleasure in catching Bill’s mistakes.
“Yeah, but you have an excuse, Bill. You’re older than dirt.” Noah smirked as he gingerly popped the tank off and set it aside.