Urban Fantasy Collection - Vampires

by Adrian Phoenix

  I thought about ordering a pizza—Italian sausage, black olives, mushrooms, and daikon—just so I could smell it, look at it, feel the warmth of the box.

  I don’t know what daikon tastes like, but I’m fond of the smell and I’m curious. Few things are more annoying than a curious vampire. If the smell of a particular food entices us, we want to make people eat it, so they can describe the taste to us. The best description I’d gotten of daikon was “kind of like a pickle, but not.” How can something that looks like a big white carrot taste like a pickle, but not? Did they do something to it first? The question vexed me.

  Greta sat across Marilyn’s desk from me, playing with a staple remover, pretending it was a shark or a vampire, something with fangs. The phone rang in my office across the street and Rachel stirred in her sleep, but didn’t wake. On the third ring, Greta heard it too.

  “Phone’s ringing,” she told me.

  “I know.”

  “You want me to go and—”

  “No,” I said too quickly. “Just wait a minute.” My brain wouldn’t process what she’d told me about my “uber vamp” form. How could I have been turning into a giant, black-skinned, leather-winged beast thing off and on since 1965 and not know it, not even have had an inkling beyond the understanding that I blacked out when I got really mad? It was like Bruce Banner not knowing about the Hulk.

  I didn’t want to think about who was setting me up, either. If I’d known where the investigation had been likely to lead, I never would have looked into it. I would have taken on the werewolves without question. A wise man once said “Ignorance is bliss,” and he was right. I wanted Veruca to be behind everything, needed it. I wanted to forget about the check I’d seen where Roger had forged my name. I wished Roger had dotted his damni’ s.

  So I concentrated on the pizza. If I gave up on the daikon, I could call one of the big pizza chains, but if I wanted the daikon, I had to wait until Jackie’s opened at six. I could get Jackie to put anything I wanted on a pizza, even if he had to run down to the Asian market. Jackie knows about vampires, and if you let him know that your order is for eating in front of one of us, he tacks on an extra 50 percent surcharge and makes it look like it does in the pictures on the menu.

  I remembered sitting in his diner with Roger watching Froggy, still Veruca then, eat a Reuben. It’s a big deal for vampires to share their food porn like that, proof of our long friendship.

  The phone rang in Marilyn’s office and I jumped, startled. It wasn’t supposed to do that. I glanced at it suspiciously. For all I knew the phone was undergoing a demonic transformation. It certainly seemed like the week for it. It rang a second and a third time before I answered it. It was Talbot; I recognized his breathing.

  “How did you get through to this phone?” I asked. “Didn’t Marilyn transfer the calls to her home number?”

  “Star six eight,” he answered.

  “Huh?”

  “It forwards the call, but only if the number dialed is busy or there’s no answer…. Look, don’t worry about it. I tried you at the Pollux first.”

  He sounded upset. Tough shit, it wasn’t all blow jobs and balloons for me either. “Did you know that I turn into some sort of rampaging berserker flying vampire thing when I lose my temper?”

  Talbot scoffed. “Of course.”

  “Even Talbot knows! Am I the only fucking person around who doesn’t know I’ve got go-go gadget bat wings?” I yelled, holding the receiver about a foot from my face. I hung up the phone and threw up my hands.

  Greta acted sympathetic, but I could tell that she was trying to hold back her laughter.

  “Who else knows?” I asked her. Before she could respond, the phone rang again. It was Talbot. “Does Marilyn know?” I asked him.

  “I…I think so,” Talbot answered. I hung up on him again and cast a disparaging look at Greta.

  “Even Marilyn knows! Why does nobody tell me these things?” Greta watched me as I paced the room angrily. Small snorts of nasal laughter escaped despite her best attempts to hold them back. “It’s not funny, damn it!”

  Greta couldn’t even speak. Tears of blood rolled down the sides of her face and she burst out laughing. Loud obnoxious guffaws filled the room punctuated by a periodic “I’m so sorry” or “I know it’s not funny.” She clutched her sides, sliding farther down in her chair, leaving me staring at her in impotent rage and disbelief.

  The phone rang and I picked it up before the first ring finished. “I swear to God, Talbot, if Tabitha knows, I am going to fucking kill somebody!”

  “I don’t think she d—” Talbot began.

  I hung up the phone again and put my hands on my hips. “Well, at least there is one person who is as clueless as me. Of course it’s frickin’ Tabitha.”

  More laughter erupted from Greta and she began to gasp for air in a way that looked absolutely human.

  “It’s not that funny!” I yelled, standing over her.

  She nodded her head. “Yes, it is,” she gasped. “Hello, Talbot? Blah blah blah. Click.”

  I didn’t get it. Maybe that was funny in a women-are-from-Venus way, but here on Mars, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The phone rang again and I picked it up. “Talbot, I think Greta has gone loopy. She’s over here laughing her head off like it’s some big joke. I’ve been a vampire for over forty years and nobody bothered to—”

  “You have a collect call from ‘Talbot,’” interrupted a mechanical voice. “Will you accept the charges?”

  “Yes,” I answered. Why was Talbot calling collect?

  “Talbot?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he answered, drawing out the word. He sounded pretty ticked off.

  “Why the hell are you calling collect?”

  “Because, if you’ll pardon my language, some asshole keeps hanging up on me and I thought that if you had to listen to the operator first, you might actually stop and pay attention!”

  Talbot didn’t usually yell. Greta stopped laughing and climbed back into her chair. Her chest was still heaving a little, but she had control of herself. I breathed in and out deeply a few times to calm myself. I don’t need oxygen, but the act of breathing triggered a physical memory, giving it much the same effect. “Okay, sorry. I’m ready to pay attention now; it’s just a big shock to find out something like that.”

  “I’m sure it was,” he interrupted, enunciating slowly and clearly. “I’m sorry none of us knew how to tell you, but I need you to listen right now. Okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “If you hang up on me again, I’m going to come over there while you’re asleep and put a big ‘jackass’ tattoo on your forehead. Do you understand?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Okay. Good. The good news is that we found the gun.”

  I slapped Marilyn’s desk. “Hot damn!”

  “Veruca had it.”

  “What did she have to say for herself?”

  “Not much, but it’s pretty clear she’s the one who shot the werewolves you found at Orchard Lake.”

  “Did you get her to tell you why she left one of the bullets behind?”

  “No, and I don’t quite know how to tell you this, Eric, but we found her at Roger’s place.”

  “Was he all right?” I asked.

  “He wasn’t there,” Talbot answered. “But you have to consider the possibility that he is wrapped up in all of this.”

  “That’s crap, Talbot,” I said, determined to deny it.

  “He’s been covering for her,” Talbot said patiently. “He took you to a hockey game, got you drunk, and let eighteen werewolves try to kill you.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Eric,” Talbot said. “Where is he right now? Did you call him?”

  “No, I haven’t called him yet. Greta and I ran into some werewolves here at the club. Real Lycan Diocese types that William called in.”

  “You both okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, no problems here. Tiko and some of
his cousins are taking care of the bodies for us.”

  “Good. Now listen. I want you to go back to the alley where you fought the Alpha’s son. He was killed at Thirteenth Street and Eleventh Avenue. I want you to go there and see if you recognize it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t trust Roger, damn it!” he snapped. I heard him take a deep breath and his next words were calmer. “He gave Veruca that night off and she had the gun with her. We can’t ask Lillian where she picked you up, because Tabitha killed her when she went loco.”

  “Talbot, I did kill a werewolf in an alley.”

  “I believe you, boss.” He sighed. “I just want to make sure you killed the werewolf that you think you killed.”

  “Ask Froggy,” I said. “Make her tell you.”

  “I would if I could, Eric, but Tabitha put a stake through her heart.”

  “Poof, huh?”

  “Poof,” he confirmed. “We found the gun before Tabitha fell asleep. It looks like Veruca was wearing leather gloves in order to fire it. They’re scorched through on the palms. The silver crosses on the grip must have burned her even through the leather.”

  “It can happen,” I said noncommittally.

  “I think I’ll hole up here with Tabitha until she wakes up tomorrow.”

  “And what if Roger comes home?”

  “I don’t think he will,” Talbot said. “The sun will be up too soon. Roger takes a lot more sleep than you do and he’d never cut it this close. Wherever he is, I think he’ll stay there until sunset. Besides, he hasn’t been here since Friday. I don’t think he’s going to come back until this whole thing is over.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he’s setting you up. Veruca was the fall guy in case anything went wrong.”

  “I don’t believe that,” I said flatly.

  “If you don’t believe it, then check the alley.”

  “I—”

  “Eric, please. Will you check the damn alley?”

  No, Talbot, I can’t, I wanted to say. I don’t want to look in the damn alley. If Roger set me up, I don’t want to frickin’ know about it.

  “Fine,” I answered, “and thanks.”

  Greta and I walked back across to the Pollux. The bodies and trucks were all gone. Tiko and his crew had worked fast. “So, who else knows?” I asked her as we walked.

  “About the alley?”

  “No,” I said. “About the super vamp thing.”

  “Dad, I don’t know.” She put her arm around my shoulders, emphasizing the fact that she was over two inches taller than me. “But look on the bright side. Most of the people who knew got killed before they could tell anyone. I’ll bet Roger doesn’t even know, with the way he runs away from fights so fast.”

  Reminded of Roger, I plopped down onto the sofa in the Pollux’s lobby and punched buttons on my cell phone until it decided to dial his number for me.

  “Hello?” The voice on the other end sounded strange, like he was whispering into the receiver from the bottom of a giant tin bucket.

  “Roger?”

  “Yeah. Dude. I’ve been trying to call you. Why the hell did you close the club? Marilyn says you sent everyone home with pay.”

  “You talked to Marilyn?”

  “I’m at her place now. She needed a little help. Seems some asshole broke her arm.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled. It was a classic Roger deflection. Question: Roger, why are you trying to put my club out of bussiness? Answer: Hey, do you remember that time you broke Marilyn’s arm?

  “Same asshole killed Brian,” I blurted.

  “What?” he demanded. “You killed Brian? Why?”

  Why? What an interesting question. I didn’t know why. Another good question was why Roger didn’t seem more upset about it.

  “Because he annoyed me, I guess,” I said vaguely. “I don’t remember.”

  “It’s all right, man. He was always picking fights with you and it wasn’t like he hadn’t been warned.”

  “He was your friend, though. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Roger assured me. “He was just a Soldier.”

  Huh. I wonder if he would’ve responded the same way if he’d known Tabitha had killed Froggy. Besides, Brian hadn’t been a Soldier, he’d been a Master. What the fuck?

  I tried another tack. “Do you know anything about a check for thirty thousand dollars to some guy named Fergus?” I asked.

  “I’d been meaning to ask you about it,” Roger countered. “You can’t just spend money like that without clearing it first. We’re flush and it’s not a problem this time, but what if I hadn’t had enough money in that account to cover it? The money moves around, man. I gotta keep it working for us, not just sitting in an account in case you overspend.”

  You fucking liar,I wanted to scream,you’re behind everything! Then, again, this was Roger and he could have been covering up for something else, maybe just some run-of-the-mill embezzlement. If that was the case, I didn’t care. He’d always taken a little without asking. When an investment deal paid off later, he’d slip it back in and tell me I’d okayed everything. It usually worked out.

  “Yeah,” I whispered, “my mistake.”Please just be embezzling money, I thought at him.

  “Gotta let you go, pal,” he said. “I want to hunt before I turn in.”

  “Which gives you what,” I said, checking the clock, “fifteen minutes?” Roger had to be lying to me. He always hunts first thing. “You’re going to hunt and make it back to your place in fifteen minutes from Marilyn’s?” I willed him to say yes. If he said yes then—

  “No,” he answered. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I have a place nearby. Look, don’t worry about it, Mom. I’ll be fine, but I’ve got to go if I’m going to hunt. Like you said, fifteen minutes.”

  “How close by?” I asked, but he was already off the line.

  Rachel was up and moving; I could hear her rummaging around downstairs in the dressing room she’d confiscated. “Sounds like the Pierced Princess is awake,” Greta said snidely.

  I shushed her and walked upstairs to my office, opened my desk drawer, and pulled out a pair of sunglasses to conceal my eyes, since I didn’t want to scare anyone without meaning to do so. Eyes safely covered, I went back down to the dressing room and checked on Rachel.

  She was naked except for a pair of lacy white panties. Her scent filled my nostrils and I pulled her into my arms. God, she was warm. She kissed me and I caught a faint hint of cinnamon.

  “You smell nice,” I told her. “I keep smelling cinnamon around you, but only sometimes.”

  “It’s a special trick for girls with vampire boyfriends.”

  I let her step back and playfully tugged one of her piercings. “More fun facts from the Irons Club?”

  She let out a little sigh followed by a wicked grin. “Do we have any plans or do we get to play all day?”

  It was tempting, but I walked away from her, toward the door. “As much as I’d like to, I need you to take me for a walk.”

  “Does it have to be right now?” Rachel ran her hands suggestively over her breasts.

  “Yes,” I insisted, ignoring the part of my anatomy that disagreed. “You can get a shower over at the Demon Heart if you need one.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Do I?”

  I shook my head. “No, but I thought I’d offer.”

  She smiled. “Are we taking a cab?”

  “It’s only three blocks,” I answered. “Get dressed and bring your purse.”

  I walked out past Greta, who was leaning against the wall in the hallway.

  “Do I need a shower, Dad? Can I use the one over at the Demon Heart? Can I? Please?”

  Ignoring her as best I could, I went back to my office to wait for Rachel. Soon I heard a loud thump, the sound a body makes when it hits the floor. “Sun’s up,” I muttered to myself. Out in the hall, Greta lay in a heap. Dawn always hits her hard and like me, she never seems to rememb
er that it’s coming. I don’t know if she does it on purpose to be more like me or not, but I find it endearing in a dysfunctional sire sort of way. Unlike me, she’s impossible to wake up during the day. At least when she wakes each evening she’s cheerful and well rested. Some days I envy her. I picked her up in my arms and carried her back to my Pollux bedroom, tucked her in, and kissed her on the forehead.

  “You ready?” Rachel called from the doorway. “How am I walking with you somewhere, anyway? You’re not going to turn into a virus and infect me are you?” Her heart rate sped up. “I mean, it’s okay if you are, I guess. It’s just that…”

  I turned into a mouse and back again, the rapid transition feeling only slightly more comfortable than a shot to the nuts. I really needed to stop showing off for this girl. “I want you to jog up to the intersection of Thirteenth Street and Eleventh Avenue with me in your purse.”

  She knelt down and opened her purse on the floor. It was smaller than I was happy with, but it was leather and I doubted enough sun would get through the material to be a problem. I admired the view down Rachel’s top before transforming. Rachel zipped me up in her purse and away we went.

  I really wanted Talbot to be wrong, but in the back of my furry little undead mind, I already knew that he wasn’t. Roger had betrayed me. Froggy was too stupid to come up with a plan so complex on her own. I don’t know if he wanted me dead—I hoped he didn’t—but he definitely wanted me at odds with William. Maybe that’s all there was to it. Maybe he wanted me to kill William and knew that I wouldn’t do it just for shits and giggles, so he’d arranged for William to come after me, knowing that I’d be able to defend myself.

  But why?

  Deep down, it didn’t matter why he’d done what he’d done. He’d betrayed me and I’d found out about it. I silently hated him for not being clever enough to slip it all past me.Dot your damn i’s,I thought again. If only he’d done a better job of forging the check. If only he hadn’t lied about it. If only we could go back to being best friends, like none of this had ever happened….