Shattered

by Jennifer K Thomas

  “Luke…” I only get one word out before my sobs choke the rest. Just thinking of saying the words out loud makes my stomach twist.

  “Jessica.” My mom walks swiftly over to me and wraps her arms around me.

  “Luke was just leaving,” I mutter as my mom strokes my hair like I’m five-years-old again. As much as I don’t like being coddled, I have to admit, in this current moment, it’s comforting.

  “No, I wasn’t.” Luke runs a hand through his hair again and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “Jessica, we need to talk this out. I’m not leaving you like this.”

  “Please go. I don’t want any more of your protecting.” I spit my words out like a weapon.

  My mom releases me and marches over to Luke. She grabs him firmly by the arm and leads him to the door. I don’t follow them, but instead grab an iced tea from the fridge. I place the cold bottle against my head and listen to the bits of their conversation that I can hear from the kitchen.

  “What did you do? Did you cheat on her?” My mom is trying to keep her voice low, but the anger present in it is undeniable.

  “Come on, Jill, I wouldn’t do that to her,” Luke says emphatically.

  There is a pause and I can’t tell if my mom is waiting for him to continue or if she said something I can’t hear.

  “I fucked up.” Luke’s voice is barely audible from where I’m standing.

  There’s a few minutes where I can’t make out anything they’re saying, so I take a drink of tea and focus on getting my breathing under control.

  “Luke.” Her disappointment is evident in her tone. A few seconds pass. I assume Luke must be saying something to her. “She asked you to leave. You need to go.”

  “I promised I wouldn’t leave her again. I need to fix this.”

  My mom sighs. “Not now, she’s really upset.”

  “I know, this is why I didn’t tell her. I can’t leave her like this. Please don’t try to make me.”

  My mom lowers her voice again, but I can still make out her words. “You staying here right now isn’t going to help anything. Go get a room and try to get some rest, maybe she’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  Luke doesn’t say anything. I think maybe he’s left, until I hear his low voice. I have to strain to make out the last part of what he says. “I can’t lose her again.”

  Chapter 5

  My eyes sting when I open them, a side effect and instant reminder of the night before. After my mom convinced Luke he needed to leave, she put on a movie for Amelia upstairs, promised they would try a sleepover again in two weeks, and stayed with me. She listened as I cried out my disappointment. After I told her good night and put Amelia to bed, I went to my room and shed a few more tears. How did life get so messy in such a short period of time?

  I silenced my phone right after Luke left yesterday. I’m not ready to talk to him yet. Amelia is up and watching cartoons in the family room as I make myself a cup of tea and fold the load of laundry I left in the dryer last night. It isn’t until we’re dressed for the day, that I work up enough nerve to check my phone.

  As expected, there are several missed calls and texts from Luke. I’m surprised he’s shown enough restraint to avoid coming back over here unannounced. He won’t be patient all day, though. Amelia has been invited to spend the night at her best friend Sam’s house tonight and they’re picking her up at midday to go to the movies first. I send Luke a text letting him know he can stop by after five to talk.

  In between chores, Sam’s dad arrives to pick up Amelia. Once she is off, I return to cleaning the house. I turn up the volume and allow the pulsating music to fill the house and my head, leaving room for little else. I sing, loudly and slightly off key, as I dust, wipe and scrub. Once surfaces are sparkling and I’m sweating, I run upstairs for a quick shower. I’m wrapping my hair in a towel when I hear the doorbell. I check the clock on my nightstand and am not surprised it’s five o’clock on the dot.

  The doorbell rings again as I’m walking down the stairs, but I don’t pick up my pace, I use the last few seconds of solitude to brace myself to see him again. I open the door and sigh at the man I almost don’t recognize. The angles of Luke’s face look harsher when they aren’t softened by a smile and the huge bags under his eyes cast a haunted look across his entire face.

  I step aside and he brushes past me without saying anything. The fleeting contact causes my pulse to quicken as I shut the door and follow him into the family room.

  “Thanks for letting me come over,” Luke says taking a seat on the couch.

  I sit in the chair across from him and place a throw pillow in my lap, nervously fiddling with the fringed edges.

  “I don’t know where to start.” Luke leans forward, his elbows on his knees.

  “The truth is usually a good place.” I lean back into the chair cushion.

  Luke nods before looking directly at me. “I want to clarify that we weren’t together when I was with her and I had no idea about the pregnancy.”

  “Until you did…a month ago.” The thought and the words cause my stomach to clench. “You chose to keep it from me for a month, Luke.”

  “I know you feel lied to.”

  “Because I was lied to.”

  He focuses his eyes on mine. “I wasn’t trying to get away with anything. I was waiting for the right time or at least a better one. My intentions were good, that has to count for something.”

  I avoid answering in an effort to control my emotions for as long as possible. Once the tears start again, they’ll be hard to reign in.

  Luke tilts his head to one side. “Talk to me.”

  I take a deep breath and try not to cry. “It’s scary how quickly and easily you lied to me.”

  He shakes his head defiantly. “Not true. It wasn’t easy. I felt horrible about it every day.”

  “Maybe you felt bad, but you seem to still think your actions are justified. Be honest, would you do it again?”

  Luke leans back against the cushions and appears to be deciding what to say. “I would,” he says plainly.

  “Unbelievable.” I take a deep breath. “So, I can’t trust you. I’d have to be an idiot to knowingly be with someone who’s admitted they’d lie to me.”

  “I don’t lie out of sport, but sometimes protecting people means making hard decisions.”

  “I’ve had enough untrustworthy men in my life.” I look down at the pillow in my lap. It’s an unfair comparison, but the feelings are there nonetheless.

  “I’m not going to abandon you like your dad did, and I’m not going to cheat on you like Grant did.” Luke pauses and I force myself not to look up. “Jessica, when you’re hurting, I want to be the person that you turn to, but with everything I do, you push me further away.”

  “Do you want to know why I needed space from you? Too much pressure. Pressure to move on and get over something I wasn’t ready to let go of.”

  “I wasn’t pressuring you to do anything more than try,” he says softly.

  I raise my eyes to meet his, but the storm of emotions I see there is too intense for me to handle right now, so I cast them down again quickly. “I would love to say let’s move past this, but everything’s changed now.”

  I sense him sit up straighter, but can still feel his eyes on me. “I didn’t plan this.”

  “You’re going to be a great father.” I stare at the pillow in my lap and choke back the sob threatening to rise out of me. “Do you have any idea how painful it is for me that I’m not going to be the one experiencing your baby with you?”

  I hear his breath catch, but don’t dare look up.

  “I feel like I’ve already lost you.” The truth spills out before I can catch it and stuff it back down deep inside of me.

  Luke is off the couch and kneeling in front of me in an instant. He lowers his head trying to get my
eyes to meet his, but I don’t let them. “You’re never going to lose me.”

  After what feels like a long time, I allow my eyes to travel first to his hands that are gently stroking the tops of my thighs and then to his face. “Let’s be honest, you love me, but we wouldn’t even be together had you known about the baby.”

  “That’s not true.” Luke furrows his brow.

  “It is. I can see how much being a good father means to you. We both know that you wouldn’t have walked away from her had you known. You wouldn’t have left her to come back here for me.”

  “That’s not fair. The fact is I didn’t know, and I am with you. I love you and I don’t want to play the ‘what-if’ game because I’m exactly where I want to be.”

  “Having a baby with someone is a big deal. It’s going to stir up feelings, on both sides.”

  “At the risk of sounding like a real asshole, I was never in love with her. Even if you think I would’ve stayed with her out of obligation, it only proves that it would’ve been a mistake.” Luke waits until I look at him and the grave expression he wears. “I chose you. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to be with you. I still want to be with you.”

  “I know, but this is messy, Luke. Maybe you’ll wake up one morning and realize this other life you have is easier and—”

  “I don’t have another life. My life with you is it, we just have to include my son now, too.”

  Son. The word and all its implications stab at my already tender heart.

  “It’s overwhelming right now, but it’ll work out. I had to learn to be part of Amelia’s life and deal with Grant.” Luke was great with Amelia from day one but had to learn to handle his feelings about my ex-husband.

  “It’s not the same.” I shake my head. “I don’t think I can do this.”

  Panic flashes in Luke’s eyes and he swallows hard. “Don’t doubt yourself or what we have.”

  “Me? You didn’t even think I could handle the news of your…son.” The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth and a fresh flash of anger zings through my body. I’m angry at Luke for creating this situation in the first place, angry he hid it from me, angry I can’t see a happy ending anywhere in sight. “I don’t see how I can be a part of this. She isn’t going to want another woman involved with her newborn.”

  “I’ll deal with Claire. I promise it will be okay,” Luke says with the utmost confidence.

  My stomach churns at yet another promise he shouldn’t be making. He has no idea if anything is going to be all right. “Great, so you handle her and then I just have to learn to live with your lies plus a constant, live reminder of what I’ve lost.”

  He flinches, at my anger or the truth I’m not sure. “I would’ve told you if we weren’t still recovering from the miscarriage.”

  I hate that he’s using my grief as an excuse for this. “You mean I was still recovering.”

  “No, I mean we both were. Jessica, watching you since the miscarriage has been nearly unbearable for me. I know you resent my offers to help, but I don’t see how I’m expected to sit back and watch the woman I love suffer.”

  He’s nailed it. He’s been worried about me, not upset about the baby. “I can’t just forget about our baby.”

  “No one’s asking you to forget.”

  “You are. Every time you rattle off a miscarriage statistic or tell someone we’re simply going to try again, you’re asking me to forget. Our baby died, Luke…inside of me.” My voice is shaky, overloaded with too many emotions at once.

  “Jesus, Jessica.” He shifts uncomfortably before standing and walking toward the back door.

  I’m tired of him avoiding this topic. I feel another rush of anger move like a current through my body.

  “Maybe it’s easier for you because you have something else to look forward to,” I yell at his back.

  He freezes and turns to face me with wide eyes. “You can’t honestly be suggesting that I’ve replaced our baby with another one.”

  “You haven’t?” I breathe heavily, still unable to get enough oxygen into my aching chest.

  “No, I haven’t.” Luke’s eyes flare. He opens his mouth to speak, but only lets a small sound out before working his jaw and rubbing his neck. “We both need to take a minute and cool down.”

  My heart and thoughts are racing, but I have enough sense to hold back any additional anger fueled words.

  Luke stares out into the backyard. “I’m not losing you over this. Not over the miscarriage and not over my son.”

  It feels like a punch in the stomach every time he says the word. If I speak again, I’ll start crying, so I don’t.

  I stare at my feet, hoping for an epiphany of what I should do. I love this man, but I’m so disappointed in him, disappointed in what he’s done to us. It’s disheartening that our relationship doesn’t feel strong enough to weather this storm.

  He walks back to the couch and sits. “Jessica, I—” He starts, but I can immediately tell he has nothing new to say.

  “No more, Luke.” I shake my head vigorously and sit in a chair across from him. “No more today.”

  He closes his mouth and we sit in silence, waiting for the storm to calm. Once my heaving chest has settled, I pierce the uneasy hush of the room. “Are you hungry?” I’m not, but it’s the first neutral thing I could think to say.

  Luke looks like he’s thinking of something to say, but instead answers plainly. “I could eat.”

  “I’ll order Chinese food.” Our problems aren’t going away over some noodles, but we need to bury them for a moment. I don’t know if the break will dull the pain or give it time to mature, but right now it’s the only option. The only other alternative would be to say goodbye right now.

  We watch a science fiction movie while we eat. I’m not following the plot very well, but don’t bother to say anything or ask any questions. All my words for the day are used up.

  When the movie is done, I spend a few awkward minutes looking for something else to watch.

  “I’d better get back to the hotel.” Luke glances at me several times as he puts his shoes back on. “I’ll come back tomorrow before my flight?”

  I set down the remote and rewrap the blanket around me. The confusion in my mind leaves me in a fog. I can’t decide if I want to punch him or hold on to him until things feel right again. “What if I asked you to stay?”

  He gives me a small smile. “I’ll go check out of the hotel and get my stuff.” He kisses me on the top of the head as he leaves.

  With Luke gone, I take the breather to throw in a load of laundry and change into something more comfortable. By the time he returns I’m back on the couch in my pajamas with a new movie started. I want to be near him, but I don’t want to talk to him anymore tonight.

  For most of the evening Luke sits at one end of the couch, while I keep my legs curled up next to me as close as is reasonably comfortable. At some point, I relax and stretch my legs out. He takes the opportunity to rest his hand on my calf and I leave my leg there, letting the warmth of his hand permeate my skin. Speaking to him or even looking at him feels too risky so we stay like this, tethered, but distant, until the end credits roll.

  I silently pull my legs away from him, the loss feels more monumental than it should and I regret getting up so quickly. With the television turned off, we head upstairs and quietly slip into bed.

  The darkness of the room creates a safe space where I can be near him, but not feel so exposed. I’m desperate for things to feel normal with him. I want him to make me forget about all the other stuff and remember how I feel when it’s just him and me.

  I roll over so I’m facing him. He’s lying on his back, only his silhouette visible in the dark room.

  Carefully, I place my hand on his bare chest and he inhales sharply. When he places his hand on top of mine I close my eyes and concent
rate on the rise and fall of his rib cage. I nestle my body up next to his and he snakes an arm around me, pulling me even closer.

  He smells like cologne, a mix of woods and bergamot. I glide my hand down his chest until I reach the hem of his boxer briefs. Tracing the edge lightly with my fingertips, I listen to the change in his breathing.

  “Jessica…” he says my name tentatively.

  “I don’t want to talk anymore, Luke.” I slip my hand underneath the fabric and claim him, his body, as mine. “I need to forget the other stuff and remember us.”

  He rolls me on my back and positions himself on top of me. Slowly he lowers his face to mine and takes my lips. The kiss is slow and soft, yet somehow feels more desperate than any other time he’s kissed me. I slide my tongue past his lips and am rewarded with a taste of cinnamon and a soft moan.

  Luke slides a hand down my side and I shiver at the sensation. He grips the bottom of my tank top. When he can’t remove it any further due to our connected mouths, he breaks the kiss and yanks the top over my head and off my body.

  He looks at me for only a moment before lifting one of my bare breasts with his hand and positioning it to be accessible to his hungry mouth. He grazes the nipple with his tongue before taking it in his mouth, my gasp urging him to suck harder.

  “I want you inside me, now.” I demand in a whisper.

  He pushes his body away from mine and into a kneeling position. My eyes have adjusted to the dark room now and I watch as he slides his underwear off and grabs his wallet off the nightstand. I stare as he opens the condom and slides it down his erection. When he’s done, he grips the waistband of my pajama bottoms and removes them in one motion.

  At this point, Luke would normally say something that would make me blush, but not tonight. He settles down on top of me. I feel him at my opening, but he doesn’t enter yet. I close my eyes and his lips find mine again. He slides his tongue in my mouth the same moment he pushes his shaft slowly into me. I focus on the sensation of being filled by him and imagine it healing all the brokenness inside of me. He groans. He must feel it, too.