Light in the Darkness

by CJ Brightley

  “That sounds like a valuable project.” Dabiel grinned. “And a good excuse to travel to Gemgeda. You’d get your time at sea with Shiar.”

  “I’ve certainly considered that.” Larine smiled back, trying to convey a light, teasing attitude.

  Dabiel gave an exaggerated sigh. “I suppose I can find someone else to make the circuit with me. You’re not my only friend.” Her expression softened. “Just my best one.”

  Larine blinked hard and looked away. “Always.”

  Dabiel gave her a quick hug. “I want my best friend to be happy. I’ll support you in whatever you do, even if I’d rather you chose something different.”

  “Thanks.” Larine pulled away, her throat too tight to say anything else.

  “We’d better hurry if we want to get decent seats for the service. It’s Master Adra’s turn to lead, and you know she always lets it drag on past noon. I don’t want to get stuck on a stool or bench with no back.”

  Larine nodded and followed her into the Hall.

  A full week passed before Larine gathered the courage to broach the subject with Shiar. He’d been cold the whole time, speaking to her only when necessary and as briefly as possible. He was reasonably civil in public, but in their room at night he ignored her except when he wanted sex. Larine treasured those all-too-short interactions and worked hard to please him. Surely he’d get over his annoyance eventually if she showed him how much she loved him.

  Now that they were finally enjoying their Restday afternoon at the beach, it seemed to have worked. He smiled and laughed and joked with her as if he’d never been angry. His eyes admired her body in the short breeches and laced vest she’d had made over the winter and saved to reveal on their first day swimming. The weather was a bit chilly for the skimpy outfit to be comfortable, the sharp wind cutting into her exposed flesh and the frigid water shocking the breath out of her, but the heat in his eyes more than compensated for her shivers and goosebumps.

  After a long time swimming and playing in the surf, they spread out a blanket and lay together, basking in the spring sunshine. Larine closed her eyes and listened to the rush of the waves and the cheerful voices of a group of children building a sand city nearby. Shiar’s breathing was deep and even, his body relaxed. He’d never be more receptive.

  She kept her voice light and casual. “I’ve been thinking… I’ve never seen more of Tevenar than Elathir and Gemgeda. Master Tasha says it would be good for me to travel another circuit or two before I make master.”

  Shiar’s body tensed against hers. Larine hurried to continue. “The Jevtaran loop only takes two months. I could do it during one of your voyages north.”

  He relaxed. “I suppose it would be good for you to spend more time away from your master. You’re not an apprentice anymore.”

  “That’s what I thought.” She took a deep breath. “And if you take a position on one of the long fishing expeditions the way you’ve talked about, I would have time to make the Thedan loop while you were gone.”

  His reply was longer in coming this time, but when it did, his voice remained thoughtful. “I guess that could work. Maybe next summer? Master Del would be willing to recommend me to the master fishers she knows, but it’s too late to make the arrangements for this year.”

  “There’s no rush. Next year would be good.”

  He rolled onto his side and propped himself on one elbow, reaching to stroke her hair. “I’d miss you, being gone so long, but I suppose it would be worth it. I really do want to serve on a long voyage. It’s something the guild looks for when they’re choosing captain candidates and assigning ships.”

  Thank the Mother, it was working. He was receptive. Larine feigned idle wistfulness. “What I’d really love is to make the long circuit. But that’s out of the question, of course. I’d never want to be away from you for a whole year.”

  His breath quickened and his muscles tensed, but he didn’t erupt into the anger Larine had feared even so cautious a mention might provoke. “Yes. Out of the question.”

  Larine sighed. “Dabiel’s probably going to do it as her masterwork. She asked if I’d come with her, but I said no.”

  Shiar’s fingers tangled in her hair, tugging it a bit harder than Larine liked. “Good.”

  “Of course, that will be three years from now. Who knows? By that time we won’t be newlyweds anymore. It might not seem as terrible to be apart that long as it does now. She asked me to keep an open mind, just in case.”

  “No.” Shiar’s voice was cold and furious. Larine opened her eyes to find him looming over her, staring down. “If you can even consider abandoning me for a whole year, obviously you’re not as committed to our marriage as I am. Maybe we should call it off now, if that’s what you want.”

  She gaped at him, shocked by his sudden transformation, even though it was exactly what she’d feared. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m committed to our marriage! I told you, I turned Dabiel down.”

  His lip curled into a sneer. “Do you think I don’t see how it is? If you wanted Dabiel, you should have married her, not me. Break our bond, if you’ve decided it means nothing to you. But I won’t tolerate you having a lover on the side.”

  The attack was so unexpected Larine could do nothing but sputter for long moments while he glared. Finally, she forced words out. “That’s ridiculous! I’m not attracted to women, and Dabiel’s not attracted to anyone. We’re friends, that’s all.”

  “Friends.” His voice dripped with scorn.

  Larine struggled to sit up, reaching for him. “I’ve never looked at anyone else since we stood up together.” She banished a twisting worm of guilt. She only watched Hanion when he sat alone by the fire, hurt and confused by Semira’s fickle games, his loneliness an ache in her gut. That wasn’t the same as looking.

  Shiar brushed off her grasp and rose, powerful and majestic. He glowered down at her like a towering thunderhead. “You’re mine, Larine. Completely, or not at all. If I’m not enough for you, give the word, and we can sign the papers tomorrow.”

  Dear Mother, how had things gone so wrong so fast? Larine scrambled to her feet. “I don’t want to break our bond! What have I ever done to give you the idea I want anyone except you? I don’t understand why you’re saying these things.”

  She threw her arms around his neck, pressing her body against him. He didn’t respond, but he didn’t shove her away, either. “I love you, Shiar. Please believe that. I need you. I’ll do anything you want. Just promise you won’t leave me.”

  He was silent for a long time. As Larine was beginning to despair that she’d ruined everything, he spoke, his tone curt and clipped. “No circuits.”

  “None. I swear.”

  “You’ll be waiting to welcome me at the dock whenever my ship comes in. No matter what else happens.”

  “I promise.”

  “You’ll cut off all contact with Dabiel. Unless your masters require you to work together, you won’t speak to her. You won’t sit with her at meals or socialize in your free time. I have friends who’ll see if you do and tell me.”

  She gaped at him. “Why—”

  “I mean it!”

  Larine flinched. Ice flooded her heart at the thought of betraying Dabiel, but her marriage was more important than their friendship. “I will. I swear.”

  “In the Mother’s name.”

  “In the Mother’s name,” she whispered.

  Finally his arms went around her waist and his body softened against hers. He bent to murmur in her ear. “Oh, Larine, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. But when you talked about being apart for a year as if it was nothing, it was like I didn’t even know you any more. I couldn’t see how the woman I married could suggest such a thing. I had to be sure you still feel the same way about me as I’ve always felt about you.”

  “I do. I always have. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I never considered it seriously, you know that. I just didn’t want to disappoint Dabiel.�
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  “That’s not something you have to worry about anymore.” He bent to kiss her, tender and hungry. “I know things have been strained since I got home. I was excited when we were sailing back. I was ready to ask you something, something I knew would make you happy. But then you weren’t there. And I kept getting hints that you didn’t care anymore, not the way I do. How could I be anything but suspicious? It’s good that’s all out in the open, now. If you do the things you promised, our marriage will be stronger than ever.”

  Larine searched his face. “What were you going to ask me?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t think this is a good time. Maybe after my next voyage, when you’ve had time to think things over and recommit yourself to our future together.”

  Her heart pounded. “I am committed. Tell me, please. What do you want?”

  He cupped her cheek. “I want to start a family, Larine. Until I got here, I was sure that’s what you wanted, too. Now, though, with things so awkward between us, maybe we should wait.”

  Deep, primal longing wrenched Larine’s gut. “No, please. Let’s do it now. I’ve been thinking about having a baby ever since we got married, but I thought you weren’t ready.”

  “I wasn’t before, but now I am.” He linked his hands behind her back and pulled her close. “How long would it take to reverse the effects of whatever you’ve been doing with the Mother’s power?”

  Joy and apprehension made a dizzy combination. “Give me a little while with Flutter and I can be fertile tonight.” She’d explained how she used the Mother’s power to control her cycles, but she wasn’t surprised he hadn’t retained the information. “We could have a baby nine months from now.”

  “During my leave between the autumn and winter voyages.”

  “If the timing works out that way.”

  “You can make sure it does, can’t you?”

  Usually it was frowned on to manipulate a healthy pregnancy for convenience’s sake, but surely Flutter would be willing to tweak things so their child could be born while its father was present. “If we have to.”

  “Good.” He crushed her close, then let her go. “In that case, let’s head back so you’ll have time to do what you need to.”

  Larine scrambled to shake the sand from the blanket and fold it while Shiar gathered the rest of their things. Hand in hand they walked back to the city. Larine’s mind and heart buzzed with nervous excitement. She’d been wistfully thinking about a baby for so long, watching the pregnant women she tended with envy, cooing over the newborns with hopeless longing. She’d never guessed Shiar might feel the same way. This was a wonderful surprise.

  Surely once they had a child they’d quit letting these petty disagreements come between them. They’d focus on working together to wrap their little boy or girl in love and security. Shiar’s absences would be a challenge, of course, but other sailors and fishers did it all the time. While the child was an infant, Larine could keep it with her while she worked. Later she could find someone in a similar situation to exchange half-days with, and Shiar could take full days when he was in port. By seven or eight, their child could accompany Shiar on voyages occasionally.

  Flutter came swiftly from his hunting at her call. After a trip to the bath to wash off the salt and sand, Larine spent a good long time with him, flooding her body with the Mother’s golden light, moving her cycle forward from where they usually kept it until it was hovering on the brink of releasing the infinitesimal seed of life, ripe and ready to welcome a newly conceived child. Shiar didn’t require any attention; there’d been no need to suppress both of their fertility, and Larine had been controlling her cycles to eliminate her monthly bleeding since she and Flutter first bonded.

  He met her in the dining hall for the evening meal, fresh from his own bath, so strong and handsome her throat ached. He was unusually attentive, smiling and laughing and chatting with her, exercising all the charm that had first attracted her, but which she’d seen less and less since they’d married.

  This time he was happy to accompany her upstairs immediately after the meal. They enjoyed a long, unhurried evening of lovemaking. Shiar took extra care to make sure Larine was satisfied. Her heart sang with joy at this evidence that he really did love her. They’d uncovered the root of the misunderstanding that had upset him and solved the problem that had been pushing them apart. Now they could go forward into a happy, fulfilling future together. This child would bond them more deeply than mere words or promises or ceremony. They would be a family as close and devoted as the one Larine had grown up in. Their troubles were behind them, their best days ahead.

  She fell asleep cradling her belly, dreaming of life and hope.

  Larine closed her eyes and pressed her hands over her mouth, fighting to control her rebellious stomach. The nausea had hit fast and hard this time. She’d felt fine, tired and hungry, until the person next to her had passed her the platter of roast beef. The rich smell she usually would have savored provoked a violent reaction. It was all Larine could do to get it into the next person’s hands without vomiting. She thought she could recover if she sat for a few minutes without moving, but if the nausea didn’t abate soon she would have to flee to the privy.

  “There you are!” Dabiel’s voice was cheerful and too loud. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Why are you sitting way over here?” The bench shook as she plopped down beside Larine. A moment of silence, then, “Dear Mother, Lar, what’s the matter? Here, let us help you.”

  Tingling warmth flooded Larine. It helped, but only a little. That’s why she hadn’t bothered to call Flutter away from his meal. The Mother’s power couldn’t do much for pregnancy sickness.

  Larine heard the indrawn breath when Dabiel figured it out. With a final soothing caress, the glow faded. Her friend’s voice was shocked and a bit hurt. “So that’s why you’ve been tired all the time lately. Master Tasha was so worried about you, she asked me if I knew what was wrong. I had to say I didn’t. Why didn’t you tell her? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Larine’s stomach clenched again. She’d been avoiding this confrontation for a month, ever since Shiar’s ship had sailed. Master Idan had been keeping Dabiel so busy, at first it had been easy to find excuses to keep their interactions brief and impersonal. But for the last week it had gotten harder and harder to evade Dabiel’s attempts to engage her in conversation. Larine wasn’t sure if Shiar had been telling the truth about having friends who would report whether she obeyed him regarding Dabiel, but she didn’t dare gamble that he’d been lying. She couldn’t imagine any of her fellow wizards carrying tales, but there were spouses and friends and guests at the tables, as well.

  She shrugged and kept her voice carefully noncommittal. “I didn’t think you’d be interested. You’ve said often enough that you don’t want children.”

  “That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you! I know this is what you wanted. I’m happy for you.” Dabiel was striving to sound normal, but Larine could hear the confused pain underneath her words.

  She couldn’t force herself to meet Dabiel’s eyes. “It’s just… we have so little in common these days. I’m married, and I’m going to be a mother. You’re giving all your time to studying with Master Idan. If he intends to name you as his successor, that’s only going to get worse.”

  “I won’t let it keep me from having time for my best friend.” Dabiel strove to catch Larine’s gaze, her smile seeking a response. When she failed, it faded.

  Larine turned away. “There’s a group of sailors’ and fishers’ spouses that meet for the midday meal most days. A lot of them have young children. I’ve become good friends with several of the women; they’ve been telling me about what to expect from pregnancy and birth.”

  “That’s good. You need friends who’ve been through it. I bet it makes the whole thing less scary.”

  “Yes.” Larine reached for a platter of vegetables. She thought she could keep them down. Having a little food in her stomach seemed to
be the most effective defense against the nausea. She scooped a spoonful onto her plate. “One of them highly recommends her midwife. She’s going with me to meet her next Thirdday morning, if I can persuade Master Tasha to let me have a couple hours off.”

  “I’m sure she will, once she knows.”

  “So, anyway, I don’t think I’m going to have much time to spend with you from now on. It’s nothing personal. We’re just following different paths. We should both make new friends who share the things we care about.”

  “If that’s what you want.” Dabiel pulled away. The coldness in her eyes and voice struck Larine to the heart. “I would think the fact we’re both wizards should be more than enough in common to sustain our friendship, no matter how much else is different. But obviously you don’t feel the same way. And I’m not going to force myself where I’m not wanted.”

  “I’m glad you understand.” Larine stabbed a chunk of carrot and shoved it in her mouth.

  “Except I don’t!” Dabiel leaned forward, her brow furrowed, searching Larine’s face. “Everything was fine until last month. Of course, while Shiar was here it made sense that you’d want to spend your free time with him, but I thought things would go back to normal after he sailed.” She scowled for a moment, then her eyes went wide. “That’s it, isn’t it? What did he say to turn you against me? He’s never liked me, you know that, not since that first trip to Gemgeda. Surely you don’t believe whatever he told you?”

  Larine forced the half-chewed carrot down her throat. “He didn’t tell me anything. You’re wrong.”

  “You wouldn’t admit it if I’m right.” Dabiel drew back. “I’ve kept quiet out of respect for you and your marriage. Your choices are your own, and it’s not my place to interfere with your private business. But I’ve worried about you ever since you married Shiar. I don’t like the way he treats you. I never have. He manipulates and controls you, and you don’t even see it. Now he’s cutting you off from the people who care about you. Master Idan is teaching me about counseling, and those are the sorts of things abusive spouses do.”