“Sorr—” I stopped apologizing when sharp grey eyes found me.
He dipped his chin at my efforts. “Own those feelings, Pup.”
Dagger grumbled, “We’re starting to sound like a goddamn Oprah show.”
Vice burst out laughing. “Ya gotta admit, the bitch knows her shit.”
One blue eye glared at Vice while shaking his head. “Just stop.”
“What?” innocently shrugged the man who could barely fit behind the steering wheel.
Chuckling, Lynx backhanded my thigh. “Talk. Tell me what is happening in that pea brain of yours.”
Not able to take it anymore, I rushed out, “Vice is driving too slow.”
“The fuck?” griped Vice.
Lynx’s blond hair fell in his face as he laughed. “Well, seeing how we are trying to maintain a low profile with the young man who, technically, should be dead, I think following the speed limit is advisable. What else are you feeling?”
“I need a blowjob,” muttered Dagger.
Lynx reached forward and punched his shoulder. “This Oprah session ain’t about you.”
“Clearly,” mumbled a horny Dagger. “I think I have blisters on my palm.”
It was shocking that a biker was insisting I get in touch with my feelings, but that reckoning was a needed one. That’s how I realized I wasn’t only excited to see Lacey… I was afraid to see Lacey. The last time I had seen her, we were both tragically immersed in a horrendous crime. About to see her again, that vile night was now rushing back to me in full force. I patted on my chest. “I… I… I—” My eyes slammed shut, trying to shut out what my mind kept showing in flashes.
When I didn’t continue, Lynx told me, “Do you realize you have yet to tell us what actually happened that night we found you?”
He was right. We had talked many times, but I hadn’t actually spoken of the details. Unknowingly, I had avoided that night with all my might. I was making tracks again, running away from one night that made the rest of my torturous life pale in comparison.
“Pup, you don’t even tell us about your nightmares.”
That caught me off guard, where this whole conversation was putting me. “Nightmares?”
He blinked. “You’re not remembering them?”
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lynx looked out his window. “Jesus H. Christ. No wonder you never talk about them to us in the morning.”
Is that why I wake up to someone in a chair next to me? “What am I doing in my sleep?”
The mood in the car shifted. The energy became thick. It was as if each man present had strong feelings about whatever was transpiring during my sleep.
Dagger’s voice was very deep when he finally told me, “You keep screaming for her.”
Vice solemnly added, “You beg her to close her eyes.”
I opened my mouth, but no air flowed in. I think it all evaporated.
Without looking at me, Lynx finally said, “There’s a reason I needed you stronger before taking you to see Lacey.”
“So that I can climb the lattice?”
“No, kid,” he remorsefully replied. “We’re taking you to where we found you.”
My back slammed into the seat as if I were trying to climb out through the trunk—Trunk. My mind showed me Lacey in that trunk again, unconscious, her mouth with a washcloth trying to soak up all the blood… “I-I-uh, not sure I can.”
Tapping the edge of his tightly closed hand to his mouth, Lynx kept staring out the window. “Tate, part of what we—my club—stands for, is the principle of individual freedom. We believe in the right to live our lives as we see fit. As we believe every American has the right to do. We believe in the phrase, Don’t tread on me, that started during the Revolutionary War in the 1770s. In whatever way one chooses to view that flag now, in this day and age, it began as a patriotic symbol of independence when American colonists fought Britain for just that. Independence.”
He smiled with pride I was immediately addicted to. It spoke of what his club stood for. “You get too close to a rattlesnake, it will coil in warning. You choose to ignore the warnin’ and step on us? This motherfucking snake will strike. That motto has been ingrained in many of us Americans for hundreds of years. Our daddies,” he gestured to Vice and Dagger as an example, meaning his whole club, “taught us that everyone, no matter color or race, has that right to strike. That includes you, kid, no matter what your so-called brothers tried to instill in you. The reason I’m telling you all this is to explain why I will never force you to do anything. Nor will I judge you for not wanting to do something. But… I’d sure be proud as fuck if you chose to face your demons.”
Once again, that wise man had this young ignorant one stopping in his tracks. That speech made me realize I had a say where my next tracks were laid. That was empowering. I hoped no one ever tried to take that power from me again.
Lifting my chin and setting my shoulders back, I told Vice, “Take me to that fucking dirt road.” It was time for fresh footprints.
Was I scared? Fuck yes! But isn’t that what makes my decision even braver? I was willing to face a past that was god-awful. I was willing to look my demons in the eye and say, “Fuck. You.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Facing Paths
“Lacey is the only girl I’ve ever kissed,” I said, the only voice to be heard in the car. Lynx, Dagger, and Vice stayed eerily quiet. I don’t even think they moved, so as to not spook me from finally opening up. “The only girl I’ve done anything with.”
Never having seen mountains before, I stared at the Rockies off in the distance as I continued with, “I’ve heard that a guy’s ‘first’ can make him crazy for that girl. That she can get him to do anything for her.” In the glass, I suddenly caught a reflection of my eyes, eyes Lacey said reminded her of a deep blue river. “That’s not why I love her like I do. I know it’s different. I know this because… no boy would ever do what I’ve done for that girl.”
Speaking of long-time hidden secrets can feel like you’re blindly walking off a high cliff, hoping someone will be below to catch you. “The brothers were at college. We thought we were safe.” My clammy hands squeezed one another. “It was only two weeks ago, yet now I know I was foolish. Now I know that, deep down, I had always known we were never safe.”
Memories… How is it they have such powers? Physically, the events no longer exist, yet the memories of them have the ability to cut with the authority of God.
Even though the sun was up, I only saw night. Even though we were still driving through a city, I only saw my bedroom and her naked body. “We were…” I swallowed, suddenly tasting her on my tongue, “making… love.” My voice slipped to a whisper, “Her skin, so soft, so smooth…” Now, having been without her for a little while, I realized how incredibly entrancing she was for me. “She could keep all my thoughts of their terror at bay. Maybe that’s why I was so distracted.” In dismay, I covered my hungry mouth because the cruel brothers were invading my mind.
Full of remorse for such a deadly mistake, tears dripped to my hand still covering my gaping mouth and struggling breaths. “I didn’t hear them until it was too late.” I blew out a shaky breath, knowing it was time to let the truth out. “I couldn’t let them find her with me. Lace and I together would have shown that they had lost some control over us.”
A sob escaped me. “They were so ruthless and brutal. I had to do all I could to protect her. So, I jumped out of the bed and rushed my girl into the closet.” In the car, I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. “Maybe I should have chosen the window and told her to run home. Maybe…” I took a deep breath to regain some composure. There was no point in trying to change what was already done. I lacked the powers my memories had. I wasn’t Godly. I was only a young man, clinging to the one hope he had; the chance at freedom.
“As I yanked on a pair of jeans to prepare to face them, hearing all four of them coming down the hallway, laughing and carry
ing on as if they were normal, I stared at those closed closet doors and begged them to become fire. Burn anyone who dared try to reach Lacey, who was about to learn what I had been up to. Why her nights hadn’t been full of common terrors for almost three years.”
There had been a ghastly price, but it was so worth it to keep her safe. Just thinking about that price had past experiences of the beatings and torture flowing through my broken soul.
With gratitude and atonement, I admitted, “I was Lacey’s first kiss, too. But… I wasn’t her first of anything else, sexually.” Sniffling and wiping under my nose, I tried to explain my actions, my stupidity that was truly heroic, considering I felt there were only two options; me or her. “That all started before I found her, including after she started getting her monthly cycles… The blood fascinated them. They believed it was like stealing her—” I couldn’t voice how they were the ones who had taken her virginity. “I don’t know for sure when the sexual acts started to escalate, before or after I found her at the beginning of our ninth grade. But once I actually witnessed the devastating aftermath? Everything changed for me after that.”
Deep inhale… “One night, toward the end of our ninth year of high school, I had snuck into her bedroom through the window she kept unlocked just for me. It was dark, but I could still see her puffy eyes and blotchy skin. She was in her bed, where they had left her.” I rubbed the heel of my hand on my chest, which was cracking open all over again. “Curled in a fetal position of pain, she…” Breathe… “That precious little scarred hand of hers,” I held up mine to remind them of the bond, “reached out for me.” I slammed my own scarred palm to my chest so hard I hoped I would break a bone. “Me! She reached for me!”
Gasping, I cried, bracing my hands on the seat in front of me. “Oh God, there were so many horrid things on her nightstand.” I leaned my head back to get fresh air that I wasn’t sure even existed anymore. Tears dripped back and into my ears. “The enormous cucumber… The yellow squash, now red with blood.” I cried, pleading for someone to change what I couldn’t. “They had violated the place that is sacred—” I banged my head back against my headrest. “I became so angry at them for all the pain they caused her!”
Dragging my palm down my face, I said, “She wouldn’t let me take her to the hospital, and I finally caved, not forcing her to go. With all the naïve good intentions I had, I went and grabbed all the antibiotics we had collected.” Surrendering to fate, I explained to the men in the car, “I couldn’t let this happen to her again. So, it was then that I decided to be bait. To do anything it took to keep them from hurting her anymore. For the next couple of years, I did all I possibly could to draw their attention from her. I even went as far as to taunt them over the phone while they were at college if I knew they were scheduled to come home over the weekend.”
In the car, my body shook, remembering all the guts it took to make those calls, knowing I would soon have broken ribs and other grisly injuries. “One weekend, they decided I was far too ‘ballsy’.” That night was hell. “So, they cut into my pair.”
The three men finally broke their stoic posture, all showing empathy by moving in their seats.
“Yeah. They thought I was ‘in need’ of a vasectomy.”
“Jesus H. Christ.”
Remembering how hopeless it was back then, I shrugged. “I have no idea if they succeeded, but I can say Lace never became pregnant, and we never used birth control. She and I had no money for that,” a sorry excuse for a smile crossed my lips, “yet couldn’t keep our hands off each other.” My sad attempt at a smile faded. “That connection between us was all that was keeping the two of us from killing ourselves.”
I was surprised when three heads nodded.
As Vice turned onto the dirt road that changed my life forever, my skin broke into a cold sweat. My voice was void. “I don’t know if I have the courage to speak about all the heinous things they did to me, but I will give it a shot. Just, please, try to understand that it was a case of me doing all I could to spare her of their crimes. I chose her.” The car came to a stop as I stared past the front seats and through the windshield. “I will always choose her.”
As I opened the door, my eyes locked on the irrevocable path…
I got out, my shoes crunching the dirt. My heart stammering in my chest.
I closed the door, not able to see anything other than Lace that night, horror on her face.
“She couldn’t handle me screaming.” I took a step. “The brothers had me tied to a chair in my bathroom and, with plyers, were crudely ripping out my molar.” I took more steps forward. “She came running from her hiding place…” My chest expanded with adoration. “That beautiful, strong, gracious, angelic, and impressive soul pushed all her debilitating fears aside and faced her demons…” I looked to an appalled Lynx, “for me.”
Numb, and facing forward again, I walked on. “They were so stunned she was there, that she was easily able to push them out of the way to get to me. All four of them stood there in shock as she endearingly placed a washcloth in my bleeding mouth.”
The small rocks on the dirt road, that had damaged my feet, no longer felt as threatening with sneakers on. “But their disbelief only lasted for a short minute. All too soon, they ripped her away from me.”
Lynx peered down to the still healing rope burns on my wrists as if they were making more sense now.
I nodded. “I fought so hard to break free… but I failed her.” I gazed back up to the path that was mine to journey. “She, too, lost a molar that night. They tied her to a chair in my bedroom, right in front of the bathroom so I would have a front-row seat to the horrific show.”
Three sets of biker boots followed me, having my back, as I traveled…
“When she passed out from the sickening pain, they left her and came back to me.” Dirt under my feet, I took a deep breath, carrying on… “They were furious to learn Lacey and I had been seeing each other behind their backs.”
“What?” Her brother was trying to act blasé, but his rage was bubbling through his façade. “You two think you are ‘in love’ or something?”
Lost in memories, I told the bikers, “I couldn’t answer Jarod with the cloth in my mouth.”
Damien angrily paced behind her chair while glaring at me.
Numbly, I tried to explain, “He always scared me the most.”
“Think she’s pretty?” sneered Jake, with such disgust.
“Yes, she is my Pretty Girl.”
With growing rage for the deceit, Damien rushed into the bathroom, grabbed a pair of scissors from my bathroom drawer, then raced to stand behind Lacey’s chair again. Her head hung forward, blood and drool dripping. He grabbed a fistful of her gorgeous hair and held it up in the air. “How about now?”
I told the bikers, “I cried, but those tears were silent because, as he butchered away her perfect golden hair, I was truly grateful that was all he was cutting.”
Whatever reaction Damien was hoping for, the one I was exhibiting wasn’t the one he craved, so he wanted me to hurt. “Hit him! Hard!”
A fist slammed into my face, compounding the excruciating pain of the lost molar.
“When Crow hit me, my vision blurred, but I refused to pass out. I needed to stay awake for Lace. I didn’t dare leave her defenseless, especially while unconscious. So, I took all they had to give while being awake, to watch over her.”
Possibly because Damien was pulling on her hair, Lacey’s eyes opened. I wanted to tell her to close them, not to see the nightmare she just woke to, but that chance wouldn’t come. Damien had been angrier than I had ever seen before.
“Damien’s control over me had been demented over the years. But him not having control was like being skinned alive while paralyzed, yet able to feel every rip of my flesh.”
“It’s you or her!” Damien had untied Lace from the chair and now had her bent over my bed, her arms so tightly bent behind her back she was wailing in pain. “Pick!” he roared,
“Now!”
Through her screams, blood dripped on the blankets that were disheveled due to Lacey and I just making love …
“It was haunting to know she was now going to be forced to do something she had just been doing willingly, with me, only moments earlier.”
From behind me, Jarod roared! “You or her?”
“Me, or her. I will always spare her.”
I was bent over…
“They each took a turn.”
Standing on that dirt road, we all stared at the rental car that now had an impressive number of major dents, courtesy of Lynx’s boot. After learning what happened to me, he went berserk. At the very end of the road sat two motorcycles. I appreciated them keeping their distance and giving us privacy. By the look of the car, we clearly needed it.
Dagger, rubbing the back of his neck, stared at the damage. Then he shrugged. “We could say it happened in a Walmart parking lot?”
Vice nodded. “Oh, yeah. That’ll totally work. Shit always happens in Walmart parking lots.”
“Right?” agreed Dagger.
Vice said, “Yep. I recently saw a show where some serial killer was picking his prey from one.”
“See?” practically cheered Dagger, as if that was good news. “Our story to the insurance company can be, uh,” he gazed at the destroyed car with his one eye, “ummm—” He smacked his hands together. “I got it. A tornado—”
“Out of the blue,” added Vice.
“Oh, of course. Out of the blue and, uh—”
“Picked up a row of shopping carts!” Vice had clearly missed out on Storytime as a kid and was loving Dagger’s game.
Dagger pointed at him like he was a genius. “There it is. The tornado threw the carts into the rental car—”
Lynx finally started laughing, “Alright. Alright. I’m calm again.” His shaking hand grabbed the shoulder of my t-shirt and yanked me in for a hug. A man-hug I had never experienced before. Not one man had ever held me, even after my father died. “I fucking love you, kid.” Lynx was squeezing me so tight. “You hear me?” My body was rigid, but Lynx refused to let go. “You feel me, Saint?”
Hostile Saint (Steel Stallions MC Book 1) Page 10