I, Amber Brown

by Paula Danziger

  I continue to sit in the car and stare out the front window.

  I don’t even look at him.

  I have so many feelings inside, I feel like I’m going to explode.

  I’m confused……upset…. angry…. jealous….. sad…. and I don’t know what to say.

  It serves him right that I tricked him into helping me get my ears pierced.

  I continue to sit in the car, looking out the window, and the tears start to come out of my eyes and down my face.

  I really don’t want to cry.

  “Amber.” He kneels down by the open car door. “Come on. It’s cold out here…. and I don’t understand what’s the matter. I don’t have a clue.”

  That’s my dad…Clueless…Clueless Dad…. Clueless Dad Brown.

  I, Amber Brown, am so angry at him.

  “Amber,” he says again. “Look at me. Tell me what’s wrong. Why are you crying? I really hate it when you cry.”

  I look at him, but don’t say anything for a minute.

  He looks back. “Amber. Please. I want this to be a wonderful time. It’s my new home…. our new home…. You’re really going to love it.”

  My nose starts to run, just a little.

  I sniffle.

  I sniffle again and then I say, “You promised.”

  “I promised?” he asks.

  “You promised that I would go with you to help you pick out the apartment that you were going to rent…that I would be part of the deciding…. and now you’ve gone and decided without me.”

  He leans against the car……and says nothing.

  I continue. “And now I find out that it’s a HOUSE with other people living in it. Steve and his kids…is there a Mrs. Steve?…. What if I don’t like these kids? What if they don’t like me?”

  “They’ll love you, honey. Everyone loves you,” my father says.

  “Not everyone,” I say, thinking of one of the kids in my class who I can’t get along with. “Please don’t tell me that one of the kids is Hannah Burton.”

  “No Hannah Burton in the house.” My father shakes his head. “Honey, there’s no one from your class in the house. Two of them go to your school. One of them goes to high school. Their last name is Marshall. Steve Marshall and his kids…. There’s Polly, Dylan, and Savannah. Steve and his wife are separated…and the kids live with their father.”

  Savannah. I think I know her.

  She’s a third grader, in Mr. Cohen’s class.

  And I think I know who Dylan is.

  He’s one of the sixth graders…one of those kids who thinks that they own the whole school because they are the oldest kids there.

  He once called me “Squirt.”

  I don’t know Polly.

  And I don’t want to leave the car.

  And there’s something else that is bothering me…bothering me big time.

  I want my dad to say that he’s sorry that he broke a promise to me.

  “Honey,” my Dad says. “It’ll be just fine. I promise.”

  How can I trust him?

  “Mr. Brown. Amber,” someone yells out. I look over to see Savannah Marshall coming toward us.

  It would serve my dad right if I asked to go home right now…back to my mom’s and my home, where I can depend on certain things…where I’m used to certain things.

  But with my newly pierced ears, I’m not sure that I want to go home yet.

  I look over at my dad’s sad face and then at Savannah’s smiling face.

  My stomach starts to growl.

  I sniffle again.

  I can’t let a third grader see me cry.

  I, Amber Brown, have to make a decision.

  And I’m not sure what it is.

  Chapter

  Seven

  Savannah looks in the car and stares at me.

  Then she looks at my father.

  Then she looks at me again. “Are you okay?”

  I sniffle.

  I’m glad that it’s getting dark so that she can’t see how red and puffy my eyes are and that my face looks splotchy.

  Inside my brain, I try to convince my eyes not to be all red and puffy and for my face to look non-splotchy.

  Just in case that doesn’t work, I say, “Allergies. I have allergies.”

  “To what?” She looks concerned.

  I want to say “To Clueless Dads,” but instead I say, “To lots of things…. But don’t worry. I’ll be okay.”

  My dad stands up and holds out his hand to help me get out of the car.

  I think about it for a minute and make my decision.

  “No thanks,” I say. “I can do it myself.”

  My dad puts his hand back down.

  I get out of the car.

  I, Amber Brown, will go inside.

  He’s already rented it.

  There’s nothing I can do about that.

  If I hate it, I’ll never come back again.

  Savannah smiles at me, and together we start walking to the house.

  I am not paying any attention to my father who is walking with us.

  “You’re in Mr. Cohen’s class,” I sort of say, sort of ask.

  She nods and keeps smiling.

  “Lucky,” I say. “He’s a great teacher.”

  “I know,” Savannah says.

  My dad is walking next to me, but I’m not even looking at him, not even talking to him.

  We get to the front door and go in.

  There are steps straight ahead.

  To the left of the steps farther back, there’s a door.

  My dad touches my shoulder. “Amber, honey…that’s where we are going to live.”

  I turn to Savannah and say, “I already live on Chestnut Street.”

  She says, “This is Elm Street…. so you are going to live in two places that are named after trees.”

  I, Amber Brown, will have two houses….. on two streets named after trees.

  I wonder if that means that I will be living in treehouses.

  That makes me smile until I start to think about how much my life is changing.

  All of a sudden, this seems very real to me.

  I, Amber Brown, will finally have two houses….. one where I live with my mom…. one where I live with my dad…joint custody.

  It’s weird.

  When my dad had an apartment in our town for a short time after he and Mom broke up and then he moved to Paris, I always felt like I was just visiting there.

  Now he expects me to have a home with him, not just at my mom’s and my place.

  Part of me likes the idea.

  Part of me is not so sure.

  “Want me to show this place to you?” Savannah says. “I can pretend that I’m the real estate lady, and you can be the customer.”

  For a minute, I think about how much fun it would be to pretend.

  I, Amber Brown, love to pretend.

  But this time it isn’t pretend.

  It’s for real.

  My dad says, “Savannah, thank you. But I really want to show the place to Amber myself. And I would like a few minutes alone to speak with her. So would you please go upstairs now and tell your dad that we’ll be up for dinner in about ten or fifteen minutes?”

  Savannah looks disappointed.

  I’m a little disappointed too.

  It’s always fun to find other people who like to play, even if they are a little younger.

  Savannah goes upstairs.

  I look at my dad, not smiling…. waiting for him to say something.

  He does. “Amber. I’m sorry.”

  Finally.

  I continue to look at him.

  He continues. “I should have let you see this first. I’m sorry that I broke my promise. It just seemed like such a good idea. It’s a great place…and Jim has become a friend, and he has nice kids. They are a good family…and sometimes…sometimes, Amber, I feel very lonely. I’ve just gotten back from Paris. You’re with your mom most of the time. I work all day, stay late at the
office because I don’t want to get in the Donaldsons’ way. I suppose that I should have gotten a hotel room until I found a place, but that felt really lonely.”

  Twice my dad has said that he’s lonely.

  I, Amber Brown, feel sad for him.

  He’s my dad.

  I don’t want him to feel lonely.

  I give him a big hug.

  He hugs me back.

  Then he gives me a kiss on the forehead. “I love you so much.”

  “Me too,” I say.

  “Am I forgiven?” he asks.

  I nod.

  I hope that he’s going to forgive me for what I’ve done, getting my ears pierced.

  Then I think of the other promise that he made that I really hope that he has not broken.

  “Dad,” I say, “it’s okay as long as I still get to help pick out the furniture.”

  “It’s a deal.” He crosses his heart.

  Now I, Amber Brown, am ready to see the house.

  Chapter

  Eight

  “The doorway to our home,” my dad says, opening it. “There’s also an entrance to our apartment from the back. This room will be the living room.”

  It’s one big empty room.

  “It will also be the dining area.” He points to one side of the room, “if we don’t feel like eating in the kitchen.”

  I nod.

  There’s not much to say.

  It’s one big empty room.

  “Honey, look.” My Dad walks over to the windows at the back of the room. “Doesn’t this look great?”

  I join him and look out the window.

  There’s a really nice backyard, with trees and swings and a treehouse…there really is a treehouse on Elm Street.

  “We can use the backyard and share it with the Marshalls,” he says.

  I, Amber Brown, think about how Savannah and I can play in the treehouse…and how my friends, Brandi and Kelly, can come over and play in it too.

  I can’t wait to write to Justin and tell him that he’s not the only one with a treehouse, that I now have one too.

  Then I remember…. I’m not sure yet that this is going to be one of my houses.

  My dad puts his arm around my shoulder and says, “Let’s look at the rest of this place.”

  The kitchen.

  It’s a kitchen…. Since I’m not much of a cook, kitchens aren’t that important to me…. except as a place to eat and talk.

  “I hope that you don’t mind,” my dad says. “I went out and bought some pots and pans…dishes, silverware, supplies.”

  I go over to the refrigerator and look inside. “And some food.”

  He nods. “I didn’t think you would mind if I did that without you.”

  I shake my head. “That’s fine.”

  I pick up the peanut butter jar. “Dad. This is creamy peanut butter. I, Amber Brown, like chunky peanut butter.”

  He grins. “Then….. I, Philip Brown, will get chunky peanut butter for my daughter, Amber Brown…. or is your name now I, Amber Brown????”

  I giggle.

  He says, “Well,…I, Amber Brown…. why do you like referring to yourself that way?”

  I, Amber Brown, think about it.

  I answer: “It makes me strong to say my name that way. Like I belong to myself…and am not just Amber Brown, your daughter, mom’s daughter, Mrs. Holt’s student…. I am I, AMBER BROWN…. You don’t have to call me that…I just have to know that’s who I am…and I want other people to know that’s who I am.”

  He whistles. “For someone who is only nine, you are very sure of that.”

  I nod.

  I am.

  Divorce can do that to a kid.

  Just living can do that to a kid.

  I look around the room. “Okay…so now, where’s my bedroom? If I decide to live here part time, where will I sleep? Do I, Amber Brown, have a room?”

  “Yes. You, Amber Brown, do have a room. It’s downstairs…but first I want to show you this floor.”

  There’s not much left to show…a bathroom…. and a room with a sleeping bag in it.

  “This is my bedroom,” he says. “Tomorrow, I’m going to Ikea to buy some furniture. We’ll talk to your mom about your taking the day off from school. It’ll be so much fun…….. A Dad and Daughter Shop Day…. and it’s important that we go tomorrow. The timing is very important. If we order the furniture tomorrow, it can be delivered in a few days and then a company can come over and assemble it all in one day. That way the house will be ready by Christmas…. our almost-instant home. I have the catalog for you to look at, to make some preliminary decisions and then we’ll make the final ones at the store.”

  No school…. shopping with my dad…. I, Amber Brown, will like that.

  He hands me a catalog.

  Before I can look at it, he says, “Let me show you the downstairs. That’s where your room is.”

  Great, I think. Downstairs in my house with Mom is the basement where we keep the washer and dryer. It’s not really finished, and it’s a little creepy, with cobwebs.

  So in this house, he’s putting me down in the basement to live like some creature in a horror book, where the monster lives in the dungeon.

  He’ll probably throw down scraps of bread with chunky peanut butter for me to live on.

  I follow him downstairs.

  This basement looks terrific.

  “This will be the recreation room. We’ll put the TV in here…. and the computer…and a place to do jigsaw puzzles…. Remember when you were little…how we always used to do them,” my dad says.

  I remember.

  I was a little kid then.

  We used to do Sesame Street puzzles, and ones with Mickey Mouse and Goofy.

  I hope that my dad doesn’t want to do those anymore.

  I’m too old to do a Goofy puzzle or goofy puzzles.

  I gave all my old puzzles away a long time ago to Justin’s little brother, Danny.

  My dad holds up a box. “I’ve already bought one. We can work on it every time you come to visit.”

  I make a face and think….. Please not a little kid puzzle.

  I know that my dad’s been away for awhile, but he can’t think that I’m still that little.

  I walk over to look at the puzzle, hoping that he didn’t buy a Barney puzzle. I, Amber Brown, have never liked that purple dinosaur, even though purple is my favorite color.

  “See.” My dad looks so proud of himself.

  I see.

  I smile.

  It’s a terrific 3-D puzzle.

  It looks like a big clock, with stars and moons and rainbows on it…and it’s not only a puzzle…. it IS a real clock, one that has stuff in the box that will make the clock run. It’s soooooooo fun!

  “When we finish it, we can hang it on the wall.” My dad points to a spot. “Right here…. or is there some other place that you think it should go?”

  I smile again. “It’ll be perfect there.”

  He looks very happy. “Now for your room.”

  He walks to the back and opens a door. “Ta dum.”

  It’s the bathroom.

  “My room?” I ask. “Am I supposed to sleep in the tub?”

  “Oops,” he says. “Wrong door. I’m still not sure of where everything is. This all happened so quickly.”

  He goes over to the next door. “Ta dum.”

  I look inside.

  It’s a really big room…. about twice the size of my bedroom at my mom’s….. And there’s a loft bed already in it.

  A loft bed is just so great. It’s like a treehouse in your own room…. like a giant bunk bed with no lower bunk.

  I rush inside and look up at the loft bed.

  “This was here already,” Dad says. “Do you want this or a regular bed?”

  I put my foot up on the first rung of the ladder by the side of the loft bed. “Are you kidding? I want this. It’s soooooooooooo great.”

  Very quickly, I go up the ladder.r />
  There’s enough room up here for a double mattress…. for a whole lot of stuffed animals…and for me.

  The ceiling is so high that I can sit up straight on the bed and still have space left over.

  My father climbs up the ladder, sits down and hits his head on the ceiling.

  I look up at the ceiling over the loft bed area…. There are fluorescent stars and moons and planets on it.

  I just know that they are going to glow in the dark.

  “I love this,” I say.

  “Then we’ll live here,” my dad says. “That’s okay with you…. yes??”

  I nod. “When I’m staying with you, this is great. But don’t forget…. I’m still living with Mom too.”

  He nods, and then we hug each other.

  “What,” I ask, “would you have done if I had said no?”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I’m just glad that you didn’t say no.”

  I look at him. “Dad. Promise me that from now on when you make a promise, you will keep it.”

  He nods. “I’ll do my best.”

  That makes me a little nervous.

  I really wish that he had just said, “Yes. I promise.”

  Saying “I’ll do my best” leaves him a lot of chances to make more mistakes.

  I’m not sure that I like that in a parent.

  But I think about what he’s done…. He’s found a place that’s nice, with a room for me that I love….. And it was really nice of him to remember that we used to put puzzles together….. And we’re going to be able to shop together for things for the house.

  I, Amber Brown, am going to give this a chance.

  I only hope that it turns out all right.

  Chapter

  Nine

  “Now for something else that is really exciting,” my dad says, taking me to the third floor. “You’re going to meet the Marshalls.”

  He knocks at the door.

  In about a second and a half, the door is opened.

  Savannah is jumping up and down. “Finally.”

  Behind her is Dylan, who is standing there with a french fry up his nose.

  Behind Dylan is a grown-up who, dad-like, takes the french fry out of Dylan’s nose and then comes up to me.

  “Welcome, Amber.” He reaches out to shake my hand. “I’m Steve Marshall.”