by Scott, Ada
I turned towards her, while she remained intently focused on the playground, her arms folded tightly and her leg nearest me crossed over top of the other one, quivering restlessly.
“I’m not sticking around for long,” I said.
“Why are you even back here?”
I took a deep breath, my mouth fighting to clamp shut against the words. Speaking them was one more thing that made it real. “My dad… died.”
Hazel’s leg stopped bouncing and her jaw dropped for a moment. “Oh… I-I’m sorry,” she said, a little of the softness in her voice creeping into her eyes.
“You didn’t know?”
“No. My dad let him go a long time ago and… so, no, I didn’t hear. How did it happen?”
“It was a stroke.”
I choked up for a second, resisting the urge to rest my forehead on her shoulder. There are some kinds of hugs you can only get from one person in the whole world, but Hazel had decided she didn’t want that job five years ago, no matter how much I might need one right now.
With an awkward clearing of my throat, I continued, “But I had to see you too. I had to hear it from you.”
“Hear what from me?”
“Why you did it. Why you decided to date James. To leave me for James of all people.”
“James? What the hell are you talking about right now?”
“You broke my heart.”
“I broke your heart?” The incredulous look on Hazel’s face was only matched by the rage burning in her eyes. “You left town without even saying goodbye, like I was nothing!”
She glanced at the playground to make sure our conversation was still flying under Sienna’s radar, then turned back to me. Tears were welling in her eyes, but they weren’t quenching the fire there in the slightest.
I wasn’t taken by surprise this time and my own anger rose up to butt heads with hers.
“You moved on so fuckin’ fast, like I was nothing, so don’t give me that. You had a kid with James? Dated him behind my back for who knows how long? How could you do that? It’s been killing me for five years, so just tell me.”
A tear fell down each cheek, but no more followed as Hazel seemed to compress into a hard lump of steel. “You asshole.”
“That’s-”
“You asshole,” she repeated. “Sienna is your daughter.”
All the sounds seemed to fade out of the world as I turned to the little girl playing on the playground. All I could hear was my own heart, suddenly beating with panic.
Hazel called something to Sienna, who called something back, then pouted when Hazel replied with something that was apparently final and climbed down to catch up with her mom, who was already retreating to the walkway.
My daughter? My daughter? How was it possible? She’d had unprotected sex with me once… but how many times had she been with James? How could she know Sienna was mine after what happened with James?
I lost track of time sitting there, with Chopper looking at me expectantly like I was about to throw a ball. Later that night in bed I could only vaguely recall walking back to my car and driving to my dad’s.
Dating James
Hazel - Before
My heart wasn’t in this, it was next door with Jeff, but it was too late to back out because James was almost here. Besides, I was doing this for Jeff and me. I had to remember that.
When I was waiting to see Jeff, time slowed to a crawl, but before I knew it I heard the doorbell ring and, shortly afterwards, my dad calling me down because James was here. As I was coming down the stairs I saw James hand my father a piece of paper.
“My dad printed this out for you. The one he circled are the guys we used when we had a similar-looking problem with some kind of contamination. Not saying yours is definitely the same, of course, but they’ll run a bunch of tests and if it is, they can clear it up and get you back on your feet again.” James turned to me. “Hazel!”
“Hi James,” I said.
“You look beautiful!” he said.
“Thanks. You’re looking very… smart, yourself.”
I’d done my best to pick the most dull and conservative outfit I could put together, like I was interviewing to be a nun. James, on the other hand, was wearing a collared shirt and pants that would have cost hundreds of dollars each, along with a watch that may well have cost thousands for all I knew, and dress shoes that were polished to such an extent that they looked like black mirrors.
James bent down and picked something up from outside. When he stood up he handed me a rose that looked like it was made from gold, in a glass display. My lips parted in awe, it was truly exquisite.
“Wow… thank you.”
“Its beauty will last forever, like yours.”
I blushed awkwardly, fighting off the outwardly visible part of my cringe while feeling the swoon radiating from my dad to my left.
“OK. Eugene, can you put this in some water please?” I handed the rose to our butler, who was waiting patiently to the side of the door.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said.
“Uh… no… it doesn’t need water,” said James.
I sighed. “I know… just… never mind. Let’s get going, shall we?”
“Sure thing.” James stepped to the side and gestured towards his car.
“Have fun, you two!” my dad called, beaming out at us from the doorway.
“We will!” James called back, pressing the button to unlock his Porsche and sliding in on the driver’s side.
I entered and buckled myself into the pristine sports car. He’d had it for at least six months now as far as I could remember, and it still looked like it had just come from the showroom.
“I was kind of surprised to get your text,” said James as he drove along our driveway toward the street. “I was beginning to think you’d never come to your senses.”
“I’m only here because my dad wanted me to. No offense, James, but I’m… uh… spoken for.”
As we reached the road, I hunkered down as low as I could get in my seat, in case Jeff and his dad hadn’t left on their little trip for spare parts and were out in their yard and saw me in James’ Porsche.
“Oh really?” James laughed. “It’s OK, I like it when girls play hard to get.”
He pulled out on to the road, revving the engine in an attention-grabbing way and drove past Jeff’s house.
“I’m not playing h- besides, what about Ella?”
“Ella? What do you mean?” James flicked open a pair of sunglasses and slipped them on as we drove towards the sunset.
“Aren’t things sort of… happening between you two?”
“She’s… fun, but… tell you what, let’s not talk about… uh… certain people tonight, hmmm? Tonight is for us.”
James reached over as if he was going to rest his hand on my leg, catching me by surprise. I snatched my leg back so quickly I bashed my own knees together, but at least his hand fell on nothing but empty space.
“OK. Let’s just have a nice evening. Keep it friendly and after this we can just go on our separate ways. No more badgering my dad.”
“Sure, sure.”
James’ smile was a little on the smug side for my liking, but with the sunglasses and glare from the sun, it was hard to read him. He drove us into Maybury and stopped outside the most glamorous restaurant I’d ever seen, where he handed over the keys to a valet.
The person at the front desk, and all the staff really, treated James somewhere between an old friend and the second coming, fawning over the two of us until we were seated. It was a bit over the top, in my opinion, but when the food arrived, it couldn’t be denied that they were works of art. In their own ways, they were every bit as exquisite as the gold rose.
For his part, James was friendly enough, and didn’t step over the line I’d drawn in the sand earlier. There was one time when he may have been reaching across the table to hold my hand, but I pulled it away and he grabbed the salt shaker instead. Whether that was him saving fa
ce or not, I couldn’t be sure.
All night, he talked about the things he did with his money and the wine business. I could see why my dad liked him so much, they’d be able to talk until the sun came up, stomping grapes the entire time. Whenever I tried to be part of his monologue, though, the conversation always stuttered awkwardly like somebody driving stick for the first time, who hadn’t been told about the clutch yet. His jokes missed the mark with me, mine with him and the whole time I had that vague sensation of… wrongness about him. Something… off.
As far as the two of us were concerned, there was not even the faintest rumor of a hint of a spark, as I had always known there wouldn’t be. Sure, if I had to speak objectively, he was a handsome guy, but having been up close and ever-so-personal with Jeff, James was physically bland in comparison, like an unfinished mannequin.
By the time the meal ended, I was exhausted with the effort of stopping my mind from wandering away from the conversation. It was a relief when James paid the bill, refusing to let me contribute, and we were on our way again.
“You want to hit the clubs?” he asked.
“No thanks, I think it’s time I called it a night.”
“Alright, I’ve booked us a room at the Hilton if you want…?”
I looked at him incredulously. “No.”
“Alright. Can’t blame a guy for preparing, right?”
I had no comment.
“Let’s at least swing by Nirohe Shakes for dessert before I drop you off.”
Nirohe Shakes had opened up a year or so ago in Shippensburg and quickly gained a reputation for the best shakes anybody had ever tasted. People were addicted, there was talk that they’d soon be selling franchises and becoming a national chain. We all joked that maybe it was no coincidence the name was an anagram for heroin.
They were so good that everybody often passed through before a night of partying, or sent the most sober driver as part of the end-of-night snack mission. As such, it was one of the most likely places in the entire town for us to bump into people we knew at this time of night.
I cringed. “I don’t really feel like-”
“I insist. Or I’m getting something at least. Maybe you’ll change your mind when we get there.”
Nirohe Shakes was bustling with business when we pulled into the parking lot. I breathed a sigh of relief when James headed for the drive-through instead of parking.
We stopped at the menu and a garbled voice came through the speaker box asking us to place our order when we were ready. I was coming around to the idea of having a small cookies and cream shake when I glanced ahead and my heart stopped.
Directly in front of us was a cross-walk for customers to get over the drive-through lane and into the store from this side. Standing in the doorway was Ella, with some of our friends.
I was suddenly too numb to gauge what my own expression might have been, but I could clearly see Ella’s. She was crushed.
She looked from me to James, who was still pondering the menu, and back again. Her mouth drew into a tight wince before she held her hand up to cover it and ran across the drive-through lane into the parking lot.
“Ella!” I called, broken from my trance.
I opened the door and tried to step out, only to be yanked back by the seatbelt. Cursing, I unclipped it and bolted out of the car, chasing her.
“Ella! Wait!”
I caught up to her as she was fumbling with her keys next to her car.
She turned on me and I stopped in my tracks under the force of her stare.
“You slut!” she screamed.
“Ella please!” I looked around and saw the few people between their cars and the store looking in our direction.
“You fucking slut! How could you?” she continued, her voice getting louder if anything.
“It’s not what you think!”
“You never wanted anything to do with him until I said I liked him, and then all of a sudden you’re on a date?”
“It’s not a date!”
Ella continued as if she didn’t hear as our friends gathered behind the car, at a nervous distance. “You finally get some cock and then you decide you want them all? I thought you were my friend!”
“I am! Please, listen!”
The indicator lights of Ella’s car flashed and the horn honked two times as the doors unlocked and she was halfway in before I could even begin to think of a way to explain that I was on a date with James to help with our road trip.
“Go fuck yourself! Or whoever you want.”
Our friends walked by, sheepishly, and I stood to the side before Ella could decide to reverse over me.
“We’ll try to get her calmed down,” said Nadine, quietly, before she opened the rear door, then she mouthed “What happened?” before she closed it and I could only shake my head, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Ella reversed out and made a hasty exit without looking in my direction again at all. I turned and saw a bunch of shocked faces, people who had just witnessed me being called a slut who wanted all the cocks.
I hung my head and waded through the thin crowd, back to James’ car. I had no choice if I wanted to get home soon, and I wanted to hide as quickly as possible.
Get What We’re Owed
Jeff - After
The last several days had been like stepping into the Twilight Zone. The pillars of my reality had been wiped out or turned to custard one by one, all too easily.
The stress had mounted to a point where I either had to explode or throw my hands up and accept that anything could happen. The Earth could stop spinning for a moment and send me flying sideways at a thousand miles an hour for all I knew, it was no less plausible than me being a dad.
While I waited for that to happen, I had to deal with the fact that things were different today. Today was the first day I woke up knowing I had a daughter.
I didn’t know which was worse, the agony of cluelessly browsing the pink aisles of the toy store for an hour or how inadequate I felt standing in front of Hazel’s door now, with a stuffed bear under my arm as if it was any kind of trade off for five lost years. It was a start, if nothing else.
After a deep breath, I knocked on the door and waited. Hazel opened the door wordlessly, a deadpan expression on her face. Her eyes went from mine, down to the bear and then up again.
I could hear her as if she’d spoken aloud.
Really?
“Hazel, I don’t know how to do this-”
“Do you think you can show up now and… just start playing daddy? Do you think I’d let you into her life, knowing you might just disappear one day and maybe show up with a bear when she’s twelve? No thanks.”
She started to slam the door in my face but I shot my foot forward, blocking it.
“Listen! Please,” I whispered harshly through the gap. “I’m not playing at anything. If that’s my daughter, I’ll do everything for that kid, whatever it takes. If you think that means staying away…” my throat closed up a little at the thought, “then I will. But you don’t have to do it all, Hazel. You don’t have to do it all alone.”
The crushing pressure on my foot lessened, and after a moment the gap widened a little so I could see Hazel’s face peeking out. I could see the longing in her glassy eyes, the desperation to believe me.
“Why should I listen?” she asked.
I thought of my dad and my throat closed up even more. “My dad taught me something. You don’t have to be perfect, or even close, to be a good dad as long as you keep trying to be better than you were.”
Hazel’s lip trembled. She’d liked my dad too.
“Hazel, I didn’t know about her. I do now. I can do better by her. I owe you something first though.”
“You lookin’ to pay the rent now?” Hazel asked, but all the bite was gone from her tone.
I sighed. “We owe each other something.”
“What’s that?”
“Explanations. I need to fill in the blanks. I need to know why
this happened. I think you need the same things, because that summer… that summer was real. It happened, and I’ve never felt anything like it before or since. I need to know how…” I trailed off.
Tears were flowing freely from Hazel’s eyes now. I wanted to pull her into my arms, wipe her cheeks with my thumb and kiss the top of her head. Just to make everything better, just to feel her against me again.
“What do you-” she began.
“Mommy, who are you talking to?” Sienna called from inside.
Hazel hastily wiped her own cheeks and turned her head into the house. “It’s the man with the big dog again. Play with Molly for a bit, OK sweetie?”
“I’m hungry!” she called.
“I’ll be there soon, just… Sienna!”
Our daughter peeked out at me through Hazel’s legs. “Is that for me?” she yelled gleefully.
I looked at Hazel, who sighed and nodded.
“Yes,” I said, holding it out to her.
Sienna reached out and grabbed it, pulling it back through Hazel’s legs so she had to stand on one foot and hop a little to let it through. “What’s her name?”
“I haven’t named her yet, I think that might be your job,” I said.
“Hmm.” Sienna sat on the ground directly behind her mother, gazing admiringly at the bear.
“What do you say, Sienna?” Hazel prompted.
“It’s very pink… Oh! Thank you!”
“You’re welcome.” I looked up at Hazel. “Do you think you can find somebody to babysit-”
“I’m not a baby!” said Sienna indignantly.
“Oh… uh…” I stammered.
Hazel snorted. “Lesson one. And I don’t know… when?”
“Today? Tonight? Come to my dad’s place for dinner. Six? Seven?” I said.