Topher Nightshade vs. The Camp of The Undead Apocalypse

by Drew Hayes

  “Key?” Auggie would have blushed if he’d had blood and skin. “I, um . . . I forgot that we don’t have a key.”

  “Well, then hotwire it, Mr. Technology.”

  “Why would I know how to hotwire a car?”

  “Maybe because you just Frankensteined an engine using salvaged parts and shitty tools,” Velt pointed out.

  “Yes, but hotwiring is a different skill altogether. That’s illegal!”

  “Relax, I’ve got this,” Kay volunteered. She strolled over to the driver’s side, grabbed a screwdriver and a pair of wire-strippers from the workbench, and slid into the car. Moments later, the Charger roared to life, though it was pinging and sputtering as it did. This was not the sound of a healthy engine, but it was the sound of something that would move, and that was all they needed.

  “Guess that means Kay is riding shotgun,” Topher said over the sputtering racket.

  “What do you mean?” Auggie asked. He motioned to Kay to kill the engine, and the noise died away a few seconds later.

  “I mean the car is a two-seater,” Topher explained. “Since she’s the one who can turn it on, Kay will have to drive it up with you. Then you can rig it to blow and send it over the cliff. It will get her as far from the island as possible, just in case things go badly.”

  “And where do you think you’ll be during all this?” Velt had a damn good idea of exactly what he was planning, but she was hoping he’d surprise her by showing a little bit of common sense. Auggie could have told her that hoping Topher would show sense was like hoping a cat would show humility.

  “I’m going with you to the island.” Topher held up a hand in an effort to stop her objection before it even left her mouth. “Don’t even start trying to fight me on it. For one thing, you’re going to confront the guy who stole my best friend’s body. For another, you’re injured and could use the help. And lastly, the fate of the freaking world hangs in the balance: do you really expect me to sit on the sidelines and do nothing?”

  “Last time you came out, I had to save you, and it resulted in The Emissary getting away.”

  “So don’t save me this time.” Topher held up a lighter and a can of bug spray he’d taken out of Auggie’s bag. “I’ll take care of myself, and if I can’t . . . maybe I can make a little bit of a difference before they take me out.”

  Velt dearly wanted to tell him to screw off in no uncertain terms, to tear his idea and ego apart until he no longer harbored any such crazy notions of jumping in to a supernatural fray. Topher was a nice guy: not the smartest fellow in the world, but she’d met the smartest guy in the world, and he wasn’t as enjoyable as Topher. He should lay low and survive so that he could go back to his normal life when this was all over. The trouble with turning him away was that . . . Topher was right. She was injured, and the stakes were too high to risk failure. At the end of the day, Topher just wasn’t as important as the rest of the world, so if he was willing to dive into battle and lend a hand, Velt couldn’t afford to say no.

  “You understand that this means you’re probably going to die, right? In the permanent way, not in the ‘there’s still a thin string of hope’ way like Auggie.”

  “Maybe so, but I’ve always had a knack for succeeding when people thought I’d fail,” Topher replied.

  “Also, what do you mean ‘thin string’?” Auggie added.

  “It means I’ll do my best, but you’re a smart guy. We’re past making tactical choices and minimizing risk of casualties. This is a last stand maneuver, and no one can make promises about survival when it comes to those. If I have to choose between stopping The Emissary and safely recovering your body . . . well, I’m sorry.”

  Auggie nodded solemnly then looked at Topher and Kay. He loved his friends; he loved working with them and producing a show that afforded them freedom and travel. Auggie had loved his life, even if some would have considered him neglectful of certain aspects of it. He didn’t want to be dead permanently, he didn’t want to move on. But even more than that, he didn’t want Topher, or Kay, or his sister, or any of the other people in the world he cared about, stuck in the same situation as he was.

  “Do what must be done,” Auggie said, mustering all the conviction he had to get the words out.

  “For what it’s worth, if things go south, I’ll make sure you get the VIP handling when you are processed over.” Before anyone could ask what Velt meant, she grabbed her bag and headed toward the door. “I’m going to go brief the other two spirits on the plan. Get the car prepped, and then, maybe you three should say whatever needs to be said. Be ready within ten minutes.”

  Without another word, she walked out of the garage, heading toward the main hall’s exit.

  “I guess she means we should say our last words, just in case, doesn’t she?” Kay slid out of the car and walked over to Topher and Auggie.

  “That’s how I took it,” Auggie agreed.

  “I don’t have much you don’t already know. Auggie, you’re my best friend and I love you. Kay, you’re a nutcase, but you’re a wonderful person, and I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent working together. If I don’t make it, I’ll try to haunt our office, so maybe do an episode where you investigate it. Should keep costs low.”

  “I appreciate that,” Auggie said, smiling in spite of himself. “Topher, it seems like you’ve spent the entire time we’ve known each other dragging me in to trouble of all different types. Without your influence, my life would be structured, orderly, and safe. So, from the bottom of my heart: thank you. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.” He turned to Kay. “From the way you drink and live, you’ll probably be joining me on the other side sooner, rather than later.”

  “No argument here,” Kay agreed.

  “You constantly made my days more aggravating, but you also helped make them more interesting. I wish you only the best in whatever strange twists your life presents you with, and I’m saddened by the idea that I won’t be there to see them.”

  “Worse comes to worse, I’ll take careful notes,” Kay said. Both men stared at her, waiting for whatever goodbye she intended to impart. “Topher and Auggie, both of you are fucking weirdos. One is a gym-rat who believes in ghosts with the unwavering certainty of a child, and the other is an anal-retentive geek who secretly yearns to be more exciting. The fact that you both even exist, let alone are friends, is a testament to how crazy-ass chaotic the world is by its very nature. So neither of you are allowed to do anything as mundane as dying, because it took me this long to find people as fucked up as I am, and I’m not letting either of you go without a fight.”

  “Well, I think that ends it better than anything I could have come up with,” Topher said. “Pre-death group hug?”

  “Just this once,” Auggie said.

  “Yeah, why the fuck not?” Kay agreed.

  The three embraced, each lost in their memories of the times spent with one another. There is no telling how long they would have reveled in the shared friendship, but Kay’s voice pulled all of them out of the moment.

  “Auggie . . . why can I feel you? Like, with my hands.”

  Auggie jumped back at her words, then carefully reached out and touched Kay’s hand. Her skin felt firm beneath the gentle caress of his fingers, and all three reached the same conclusion simultaneously. It was Auggie, however, who put a voice to their realization:

  “Ohhhhhh fuck.”

  * * *

  “—and once we’re there, you two get clear, no pun intended. What we’ve got planned isn’t exactly targeted, and if you really are on our side, I’d hate to see you caught in the crossfire.”

  Clinton and Art both nodded their understanding. Velt was being tight-lipped about whatever it was she had planned, but they’d seen enough anger in her eyes to trust that she meant it when she said to stay away for their own safety. Velt never struck anyone as the type to overestimate how much violence was going to occur.

  “Velt! We have to move!” Auggie phased through the wal
l at a rapid clip, floating so fast he nearly careened right into the bandaged woman. It was only luck and a quick turn that saved him. He didn’t even pause to reflect on how close he may have just come to destroying himself; the news he had was so urgent. “I can touch living things, which means the third ritual is complete, right?”

  “That cocksucker, he’s faster than I thought,” Velt all but spat. “Are the others ready to go?”

  “Kay is waiting at the car, and Topher is heading this way, he just had to go through the actual doors.”

  “Good. Go back and get your part of the plan in motion. As soon as you get to the cliff, send that damn thing over. It doesn’t matter whether we’re in place or not, understand? Attack immediately; we have to wreck their stronghold.”

  “I understand.” Auggie turned to leave then paused for just a moment as a thought struck him. “Velt . . . why didn’t I feel it this time? The other two rites nearly drove me insane, but I didn’t get as much as a twitch on this one.”

  “I’ve got a hunch, but it will bum you out,” Velt warned.

  “More than having my body stolen and facing down the end of the world?”

  “Good point. My guess is that each time The Emissary does these rituals, it drags the world of the dead further in to the land of the living, and that kind of thing is uncomfortable for those being dragged,” she said. “The reason you didn’t feel it this time, is that the process was already so far along, it didn’t represent a very big change.”

  “So, the world of the dead is already so close to the living that this was barely a hop,” Auggie surmised. “I think I’d better get back to the garage.”

  “Damn, you are a smart one.” Velt watched him go and nearly crash in to Topher as the large man barreled out the front door of the main hall. He glanced around nervously before his eyes finally fell on Velt and he rushed over.

  “I’ve got everything I need.”

  “Up to, and including, false confidence,” Velt said. “Come on then, let’s go. We’ve got a lovely canoe ride across the haunted lake, followed by an almost-certainly deadly battle on the island of half-formed spirits, all leading up to a showdown with the body-snatching asshole trying to destroy the world as we know it.”

  “I bet you use this date on all the guys who stupidly volunteer to risk their lives and stop the apocalypse.”

  Velt snorted, in spite of how crazy the situation was. It wasn’t entirely her fault; she always tended to get a little giddy when facing deadly opponents. It was either that or let the fear overtake her, and she didn’t have the luxury of indulging in a nice, quiet panic attack.

  “You joke, but it’s been so long since I went on an actual date, I probably would drag the guy to something like this. Which, now that I say it out loud, is such a fucking depressing realization.”

  “Here’s an idea: how about if we both make it through this, you let me take you out on a real date? I promise no supernatural weirdness of any kind.” Topher gave her his best charming grin, and for a moment, Velt actually felt tempted. He was kind of cute, and she didn’t object to a man who stayed in shape.

  “Sorry, bucko, no can do. I don’t date for a reason. And besides, you can’t keep that ‘no-supernatural stuff’ promise. It’ll find me. It always does.”

  “You could let me try.” If he was bothered by being unceremoniously shot down, he didn’t show it.

  “Look, if we make it through this, and neither of us dies, I’ll buy you lunch. A platonic, ‘We’re-Not-Dead’ lunch. Take it or leave it,” Velt said.

  “I’ll take it,” Topher said immediately. “All right: I got you to actually make plans with me. Now, we just have to save the world. Should be the easy part.”

  * * *

  “Forget it. You’ve had alcohol and don’t possess a license.”

  “My last drink was hours ago, dick, and you don’t have experience driving through back-ass woods at night while keeping the accelerator down.” Kay held firmly to the steering wheel, refusing to give Auggie any opportunity to take hold of it.

  “But I’m the one legally allowed to drive!” Auggie protested.

  “Yeah, but I’m the one who can drive better. Look at it this way: we’re trying to drive a car that’s half re-wired bullshit and half bomb over a cliff to stop an apocalypse. Those are some exigent fucking circumstances if ever I’ve heard them.”

  Auggie stared at her, temporarily stunned in to silence. Then he spoke, more quietly than before: “How do you know what exigent circumstances are?”

  “Please. You think I don’t pay attention when my lawyer is telling me what to plead?” Kay fired up the engine, unwilling to waste any more time on debate. “Just hold on to your ghostly ass; I’ll get us up that cliff in no time. I assume once we’re there, you have a way to send it over?”

  “Obviously. I brought tools to rig the accelerator to the floor, so it will drive itself over the edge.”

  “Fate of the world and all that shit aside, that’s probably going to look fucking awesome when it lands.” Kay shifted the Charger in to gear, adjusted her mirrors, and mashed on the gas, sending them sputtering and pinging into the night.

  “Scientifically speaking: hell yeah, it will.”

  * * *

  It was almost done; the new world had nearly arrived. With the completion of the third ritual, all the preparations were complete. The Emissary had successfully created a sealed environment where the dead could walk freely. Now, all that remained was to free the god who would unleash the power of the dead across all corners of the world.

  The Emissary hurried, Irwin floating silently several steps behind. It would be faster if the wraith abandoned the flesh, this vessel whose energy he’d used through the first three rituals. Faster, yes, but also riskier. The final ritual should be doable even without a body; however, some tasks were too important to trust to mere probability. No, he would hold this husk of a hostage until the ritual was complete. Only then would The Emissary shed the trappings and regain his true form: that of a higher being.

  Besides, this body might prove an effective shield in case that woman should reappear. The Emissary did not doubt Irwin’s account of injuring her, but he also did not put much faith in Irwin’s judgment. She did not seem the sort to die so easily. The Emissary wouldn’t truly believe she was out of the picture until he choked the breath from her vulnerable flesh with his own hands . . . and perhaps, even then, he would linger a bit, just to be sure.

  Whether she was truly dead or not would be irrelevant soon. The Emissary felt dark water pool in the stolen body’s shoes as he stepped onto the lake’s bank. There, across the black waters, was the island. The first vanguard of servants were eagerly waiting, guarding the portal as they’d been ordered. Only one more ritual to go.

  One more, and the world would belong to his kind forever.

  Chapter 13

  “I have to admit, this is a pretty quick way to get across a lake,” Topher whispered.

  “When in doubt, use the tools you have close at hand,” Velt replied, voice equally soft.

  The two were sitting in one of the camp’s few remaining canoes that hadn’t rotted or been destroyed, moving steadily, but quietly, across the water’s surface. Such a feat would have been impossible if they were rowing——not that they had any oars to begin with——but Velt had hit on a stealthier way to move their tiny boat along.

  On either side of the canoe was one of the spirits, Art or Clinton, spectral hands clutched on to the wooden surface as they pushed the vessel along. Velt had gotten the idea as soon as she found out they were able to touch objects. It wouldn’t give them much—if anything—in terms of the element of surprise, but it might give them something. At this point, Velt would take any advantage she could get.

  “I think that’s close enough, boys,” she said. The canoe halted its forward progress. Velt had stopped them a ways from the island; though, they could still rush forward and close the distance if needed.

  “What
are we doing now?” Topher asked.

  “Waiting.”

  “Waiting for what?”

  “Either a car careening off a cliff and lighting these bastards up, or The Emissary arriving. I’d like to have Auggie and Kay thin the troops first, but I can’t let the ritual start. There’s always the chance the car won’t make it or something will go wrong, and if we try and wait it out, we’d just be standing here, dicks in our hands, as the undead swarmed up and overtook the world.”

  Topher coughed, a gesture equal in both the quietness and the awkwardness with which it was performed. “You . . . um . . . you don’t have a . . .”

  “It’s just an expression; you understand what I mean. I hope our signal to move is that car going over the cliff, but I can’t depend on that.”

  “Auggie and Kay will come through. They’re both too stubborn to let anything stop them,” Topher said.

  “For our sake, not to mention the rest of the world’s, I really hope you’re right.”

  * * *

  It was a testament to Auggie’s technological skills that the car’s engine held up as it whipped across the narrow path, straining against the incline to move its metal body across the rough terrain. It was a testament to Kay’s driving abilities that they managed to get up to the top of the cliff without plowing into any trees, boulders, or other types of debris. At one point, she nearly hit a rabbit, but some heretofore unknown instinct in its DNA commanded it to leap out of the way at the last moment, sparing it a bloody end beneath the ancient tires.

  “For the first time tonight, I am deeply, sincerely grateful that I do not have a body. If I did, I fear basic concern for my safety would have rendered me catatonic.”

  “Bitch bitch bitch. I haven’t wrecked us yet, have I?” Kay asked.

  “The absence of past events doesn’t preclude them from happening in the future.”

  The Charger burst through the last bits of brush, coming to rest at the top of the cliff overlooking the lake. It was almost peaceful to behold: the late night’s sky twinkling with fading starlight that reflected in the dark, still waters of the lake below. This was a spot famed for its romance among counselors back when the camp was functioning, and it didn’t take much in the way of observation skills to see why.