“It changes everything, Jay.” I bury my face in my hands, because it hurts to look at him. “How do I know you didn’t set him up to get the raw end of the stick with George because you fucking hated him, huh? How do I know it wasn’t all a game to you?”
Jay lifts his arms, and places them behind his head. His chest rises and falls, and his face is beautifully broken. He stares at me with such desolation, it breaks my heart.
I want to run to him, I want to turn back the clock to me and him in the restaurant, or in bed, or sneaking kisses at work. Anything else but us sharing space under this black cloud of doubt and deceit.
“I can’t believe I let myself come back here again with you.” He pulls on the ends of his hair. “It’s literally history repeating itself, but this time it hurts so much more.” He presses his fist to his lip, regaining his composure. “This time you finally acknowledged what we had, you felt it, you lived it, and it’s still not enough for you to come out from under their shadows.”
He points to Jagger. “He doesn’t care about your happiness. He’s still too busy trying to come to terms with the mistakes in his life, and you’re letting him take you for the ride.”
He walks away, and then comes right back. “I was going to move back for you.”
“Jay,” I cry, not even sure of what I want to say.
“I was going to move my daughter here, and ask to meet yours, and maybe, just maybe, finally get what I thought we both deserved, but I was wrong. I can’t live here around them. Not even for you.”
He turns to leave, but this time I’m sure he’ll never come back, and neither will my heart.
I don’t realise how hard I’m crying til I feel arms take hold of my weak body, and sit me down on a nearby chair.
“Here, drink this.” Taylah shoves a cup of water in my face, and I down it in three easy gulps.
“Thank you,” I croak.
“Are you okay?”
I let out an awkward sound, half sob, half laugh. “I don’t deserve your niceness.”
“I don’t think today’s the day to worry about that.” She stands up and refills the cup from the water cooler, and hands it back to me. “You need to sort yourself out before Dakota wakes up.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to fake it this time.”
Uncharacteristically I lean my head on her shoulder, and she hugs me. My eyes fall shut in exhaustion, and I keep them closed to hold back the onslaught of tears.
Taylah stiffens beside me, causing me to immediately open my eyes. Jagger hovers over us, and a frantic rhythm beats in my chest. “Is Dakota okay? Is she awake?”
“Everything is fine, they’ll call us when she’s ready. I just wanted to speak to you.”
“I can’t, Jagger. Not right now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I laugh humorlessly. “It’s a little too late don’t you think?”
“I’m trying not to hate him.”
“And I’m trying not to love him. So, where does that leave us?”
“I had no idea it was so serious.”
“What does it matter?” I ask, throwing my hands in the air. “I forgave the unforgivable, it means you should too.”
18
Jay
Twelve Years Earlier
“To what do I owe this pleasure, Michaels?”
He stands against the brick wall, cigarette in hand, ball cap hiding his eyes.“I need a favour.”
I never thought I’d live to see the day Jagger Michaels asked me for anything. In our not so perfect world, I hate him, and he most definitely hates me.
“What is it?”
He takes the last drag of his cigarette and flicks it on the road. “You know Sasha and I got a kid, right?”
I don’t tell him that when I found out, I lost my shit, wishing it was mine. “I heard.”
Sasha Allman, will always be the one that got away. My weakness. A soft enough spot that I will talk to a guy I’ve hated for as long as I can remember, and give him anything she needs
“I need money for my family. I need you to vouch for me with George so I can earn a bit on the side.”
For Sasha, and Sasha alone, I momentarily rid myself of the hate, and talk to him man to man.
“Listen, Jagger. That’s a bad idea.”
“I need the money,” he repeats.
“So just work a normal job .”
“I am, but what fucking job is going to give me enough money to rent a place within the next two months.”
He lights up another cigarette, and offers me one. I take the cancer stick and the lighter off him. Like old friends who smoke in the alleyways, and shoot shit.
“You can’t just switch that shit on and off.” I warn. “George will try and tie you to him for life.”
“I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” It’s naive of him, but I don’t bother worrying about where he’ll end up. Only Sasha.
“And what about Sasha? She okay with this?”
No chance in hell.
“Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” he scoffs
I bite my tongue, because the obvious answer is yes.
“She can’t ever know,” he adds.
“This is all well and good, but what do I get in return?”
As if the concept of favours is actually lost on him, he quips up a brow. “What do you want?”
I pretend to mull it over for effect. “I want Sasha.”
“She’s not a thing, Jay. It’s not an option.”
“Okay fine.” I placate him, because it’s a waste of words to explain something to someone who doesn't get it. “When she’s finally mine, I want you to remember this conversation, okay?”
“She’s never going to be yours.”
I flick my cigarette at him. “Are you listening fuckwit, or what?”
“Okay, so when she’s yours you want me to remember this conversation.”
“I want you to remember two things. First thing.” I put one finger up in his face. “I’m only vouching for you, because she deserves the best life. Regardless of her circumstances. Second thing, don’t fucking test me. I had her first. I’m gonna have her last.”
* * *
A knock at my door interrupts me stacking boxes and getting ready for the move. I have no idea how I’m leaving with more things than I came with, but I’m trying to condense all the same.
Opening up, I’m surprised to see Hendrix Michaels on the other side.
“What are you doing here?”
“Are you alone?” he asks.
“Yeah.” The fighter in me, has my senses on high alert; expecting the worst.
A loud unexpected crack to my cheek proves I was right, but still a little slow.
I massage my jaw, and try to right my focus. “Do I even want to know what that was for?”
“That’s for taking her virginity,” he says. “I’ve always wanted to punch you in the face for that.”
“Anything else I can help you with?” I offer sarcastically.
“Nah, I’m good. I just wanted to get that off my chest before we started seeing each other at family gatherings and what not.”
I narrow my brows at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?
“You and Sasha.”
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen her, and neither of us has reached out. I can’t risk being lured in, just to be spat out. Max has been taking Lily to school, while I finalise everything here so we can leave. The house is up for sale, and after a lot of deliberation, Max is coming to Melbourne.
She’s become our family, and the last tie to Leroy. I don’t want to lose that.
I look over at Hendrix, standing in my house with the strangest amount of comfort. “I hate to break it to you, but that’s over, man.”
“That’s what they all say. Next minute you bump into each other again and the cycle starts.”
“While you’re a lot nicer than your brother, apart from the punch in the face, w
hat are you really doing here?”
“I came to give you my blessing. Not that you need it, because I don’t believe in that shit, but Sasha does. I’m really happy for you guys.”
“What part of we’re not together do you not understand?”
“Not right now, but you will be.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Obviously by the way you look at her. It’s easy to spot any man in love. But the real tipping point was the way she looked at you. I’ve seen her in love. I’ve even heard her say the words, but she never looked at me the way she looks at you.”
I want to beat at my chest like the neanderthal that I am, but the victory is empty. She’s not here, and she’s not mine.
“Isn’t this conversation at all a little weird to you?”
“My brother had a baby with the girl I was in love with, and we’re a happy family now,” he deadpans. “Weird is normal.”
“And how’s your brother?” I ask.
He snickers. “Do you even care?”
“No, but I’m polite, and he’s Dakota’s dad. So I’ll try and find the appeal.”
“He’s a prickly one. Hold off on the l-y on every second day.”
We both laugh at his shitty joke, before Hendrix’s tone gets a little more serious. “He’s still adjusting to being out of jail. I know it’s not an excuse, but his heart is in the right place.”
“I am sorry he had to go through that. And I get why the George thing is touchy, but it wasn’t intentional.”
He claps me on the shoulder. “I know that, man. But I’m not who you should be telling.”
His words make sense, but it’s all a little easier said than done.
“Man, are you going somewhere?” His eyes finally take in the boxes.
“Yeah, I’m moving back to Melbourne.I’ve been living there for the last seven years.”
“Okay, well.” He sticks his hand out and I shake it. “I’ll see you at Christmas, maybe January.”
This guy’s got to be tripping.
“Whatever you say, Hendrix.”
“Drix works fine.”
I nod at him affirmatively as he walks out, there’s clearly no negotiating with a crazy person.
* * *
It’s a shitty thing to do, but I called Holly and asked her when Sasha wasn’t working because Max refused to pick up Lily, and I didn’t want to bump into her.
She gave me a list of dates and times, but a part of me thinks she’s fucking with me, and might set me up. I probably should talk to Sasha. Especially since it’s been four weeks since that night in the hospital, and things should be settled, but unless she plans on coming to Melbourne with me, I really don’t know what else is left to say.
I don’t want to rehash the same shit each time. I just want us to be enough. No complications. No outside opinions, nobody else to please.
Punching in the code, I walk in as if I’m about to do a recon mission. I was going to stop by and look for Holly, but in and out is much safer.
I head for Lily’s room, and I see Sasha sitting down and playing with her. It’s a punch to the gut watching them together, witnessing how beautiful they are. They fit like pieces of a puzzle. My damn puzzle.
“Oh, shit,” I hear someone mutter behind me. “She stayed back, I promise I didn’t mean for you to be here at the same time.”
“It’s okay, it’s her place.” I turn to see Holly looking extremely apologetic. “There’s nothing to be done.”
“I can try and distract her,” she offers.
“No.” I give my head a little shake. “It’s cool. I should say goodbye anyway.”
Her shoulders deflate. “You’re really leaving?”
“It’s home, and my business needs me.”
“I’m so sorry, Jizz Man.”
We both laugh at the ridiculous nickname, and hug each other goodbye. I hold on to her, overwhelmed by how many people I’ve come across that have genuine interest and desire to see other people happy. It isn’t what I’m used to, but it sure as fuck is making it harder to leave.
Pushing the heavy door, the sound of my arrival in the room doesn’t go unnoticed. Sasha turns, and freezes at the sight of me. She looks so frail, and sad, and I wish with every fibre of my being we could go back.
She’s all day, every day beautiful, but when she’s happy, it touches everything around her. When she smiles, you can’t help but gravitate to her. It’s a loss to the people around her when she hides it.
Lily finally notices me, her loud screech breaking the connection. Throwing her hands up in the air, she demands I carry her. I pick her up with an exaggerated grunt. “You’re getting way too heavy, Lily.”
She giggles, and rests her head on my shoulder. Sasha is still looking our way, and I know if I walk away, she’ll think I’m mad, and it will be the only way she’ll remember me. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to think I’m mad, because I’m so far from the man in the hospital.
Now, it’s just hurt. I miss her, and since a whole month has passed, and I’m leaving, I want us to both try and be able to look back and remember one another with nothing but love and appreciation for the experience.
I take big strides towards her, reminiscent of the first time I spotted her in this room. Determined to say a proper goodbye.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” She gives me a tight smile. “Max must’ve been busy today if you’re braving the pick up.”
“That obvious, huh?”
She gives a little shrug. “More like understandable.”
“I just wanted to say, thank you. You’ve done so much for Lily, and—”
“Stop.” She waves her hand in the air, and shakes her head. “Please don’t reduce this to a business transaction. I’d rather you just said nothing at all.”
“Sasha, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s totally fine. Maybe it’s better that we don’t say anything at all.”
I walk away, all the closure I planned for us to have, fizzling into a big fat nothing.
With Lily by my side we skulk through the hallway, feeling as empty as the first day I stepped foot in this place.
An unmissable “wait” comes out of the room, followed by a teary eyed Sasha.
“Jay, wait.”
My heart thuds against my rib cage, and I pray to a God that doesn’t really have time for me, and hope that today he might. That today, he’ll bring her back to me.
She bends down to Lily first. “Close your eyes, Lilipad.”
Taking my face in her hands, she presses her wet, salty lips to mine.
I love you.
I snake my arms around her and crush her to me.
I love you too.
Her body shakes in my grasp, as she kisses me, and cries at the same time. I don’t tell her to stop. I don’t push her away. I don’t stop her from breaking my heart one more time. I just let myself feel every crack, every tear, every shattered piece of my soul, just to be able to say she was here.
That I had her.
And I lost her.
19
Sasha
Dakota hobbles through the building door, her dad trailing behind her. “Can you take it easy, please,” he admonishes. “You’re still not one hundred percent healed.”
We haven’t been on the same wavelength since what happened at the hospital, and it’s started to wear on to Dakota.
Emerson has reached out. Taylah and Hendrix too. This is the biggest schism our family has felt since Jagger went to jail. And that was a fucking long time ago.
Running out of ideas, I suggested Claire. She confirmed she didn’t specialise in family counselling but she was happy to provide us with some start up strategies that we can hopefully put into practice on our own
We sit in the waiting room, like I have so many times before, and I try to prep them up on what it’s like. Neither of them is paying the slightest bit attention to me or what I have to say.
“But, I d
on’t really know why I needed to come,” Dakota whines. “You guys are the ones that can’t stop fighting.”
I look at her pointedly. “I don't care how much we fight, you don't get to have an attitude because of it.”
“I don’t have an attitude,” she pouts.
Thankfully, Claire comes out and saves me from the eighth circle of hell, while Jagger begrudgingly follows.
Jagger and Dakota’s facial expressions are downright laughable when they notice the colouring books and beanbags.
Once we all take our seats, Claire hands us all a piece of paper, Jagger side eyes me and I take a ridiculous amount of pleasure in his discomfort. It's petty, but I take it as a win.
“So, Sasha comes here once a week,” Claire announces. Dakota looks at me questionably, a little flicker of hurt crossing her face.
Claire must notice it too. “Dakota, why do you look surprised your mum comes here?”
“I didn't know something was wrong.” She turns from Claire to me. “Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?”
“There's nothing wrong.” It’s a half-truth. “I just had a few things I wanted to talk about, and I wanted an objective opinion.”
“You mean like from someone that doesn’t know you?” she clarifies.
“Exactly.”
“Does this happen to be the reason why I’ve caught you crying at different times and in different places all around the house?”
“No, some of that was because of me.” Jagger intercepts. “Sometimes I can be a little self-centred, and forget how much your mum has done and sacrificed for all of us. This was one of those times.”
He’s working his way to an apology. I can feel it, but it won’t make a difference. My issue isn’t just that he gets on his high horse; my issue is how my habit of putting their needs first has almost become an expectation. And that needs to change. I need to be appreciated, not taken advantage of.
“So you were crying because you fought with dad?”
“Among other things,” I add.
“Remember how a couple of weeks ago you said you thought your mum was dating someone?”
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