Open Arms

by Marysol James

  She blushed, thankful that he couldn’t tell what she’d just been thinking. “Yeah, OK.”

  He nodded and handed her the plate. “I’ll get you a glass of water. Go sit.”

  She went over to the dining room table and sat down. Huh. This was the first time she’d actually used this table. She looked down at the plate in front of her, and was surprised at how damn good it looked. She picked up the fork and dove in, feeling truly hungry for the first time in weeks.

  Rob watched her from the kitchen. She looked terrible, still. He was sure that she was barely sleeping, not showering. He remembered Christine in the weeks after her attack and he winced. She’d been terrified to close her eyes, scared of being naked in the shower. Both things had made her feel incredibly vulnerable, and she just couldn’t get past it. Not until Rob had shown her that she could be vulnerable but still safe.

  Tammy looked over at him. “Hey, are you having some too?”

  “Sure. I’ll join you.” He spooned up a bit, and walked over to the table. He sat across from her. “How is it?”

  “Great.” She had scarfed down about half of it already, she was shocked to see.

  Rob poured her a glass of water from the carafe and set it in front of her.

  “Thanks,” she said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  They gazed at each other for a second, and Rob noticed for the first time the unique color of her eyes: a startling light purple. In the pictures he’d seen of her, they looked blue. The violet looked gorgeous against that creamy skin and contrasted with all that black hair. The bruises on her cheeks and chin were almost the exact same color, but the ones around her eyes were a light green. He felt anger rising in his chest again, remembering what Christine had looked like after that asshole had finished beating her in that parking garage.

  He looked down first, focusing on his plate of food. He had no appetite now, but he forced himself to take a bite. He sensed her still looking at him and he kept his eyes down, not wanting to spook her.

  Tammy was watching him eat, wondering why she was noticing things about Rob today. His forearms, his chest, his hands. He suddenly looked much less like some generic Boy Scout on a good deed and much more like a strong man, a man with an edge.

  “Rob?”

  “Yeah?” He glanced at her.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  “What? Eating lunch?”

  “No. You know what I mean.”

  He was silent. His reasons and motivations were both muddy and crystal-clear, his personal interest in her all mixed up with a genuine desire to help someone in trouble. So he told her the truth, but not all of it. “Because ten years ago, my younger sister was attacked and I remember what she went through. I just want to be here for you, if I can.”

  Tammy stared at him. She hadn’t been expecting that as an answer. “What – what happened to your sister?”

  Rob leaned back a bit in his chair. It pained him to talk about this; he hated even thinking about it. But if he wanted Tammy to open up and talk to him and Julie about what had happened to her, he’d have to show her that talking wouldn’t kill her, no matter how much it hurt to do so.

  “My sister’s name is Christine. She lived in Denver, and she was twenty-two years old and she worked as a receptionist in an office building downtown. She left work this one day and was attacked as she walked through the parking garage to her car. The guy – he didn’t know her. He had just come in off the street and hid out, waiting for a woman to walk by.”

  Tammy swallowed hard. An image of a man hiding behind a restaurant dumpster in an alley came to her out of nowhere.

  “He snuck up behind her when she was unlocking her car. She never saw him coming. He smashed her head on the roof of her car and pulled her down on to the ground. He – he kept her face-down the whole time.”

  “Wait,” Tammy said. “You mean – she was – that he –”

  “Yes. He raped her.”

  “Oh, God,” Tammy whispered. “Oh, Rob. I am so, so sorry.”

  “After the rape, he beat her within an inch of her life. He only stopped when someone else came in to the garage and started walking towards them. He jumped up and ran. I’m absolutely convinced that if that other man hadn’t come along when he did, Christine would have been beaten to death right there.”

  The man hiding behind the dumpster had a knit hat. A green hat. Tammy got to her feet. “Stop.”

  Rob stood up too. “Tammy?”

  She turned away from him, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

  “Tammy, are you OK?”

  She went over to the sofa and sat down. She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging herself. She started rocking back and forth, trying to catch her breath.

  Rob knelt down in front of her, not touching her. “What do you need me to do?”

  “Go. Just go. Please.”

  “No. I’m not going to do that.”

  “Just go, Rob, OK?” It was getting harder to talk.

  “No. I’m staying right here with you.”

  She felt hysteria rising as she realized that he really meant it – he wasn’t going to leave. He was actually going to see her like this, and there was nothing she could do about it. Her breath was coming faster now, her body shaking wildly.

  “Tammy, listen. You’re having a panic attack.”

  She closed her eyes.

  “I’m not going to touch you. But you have to calm yourself down. You have to slow down your breathing.”

  She opened her eyes again. “I can’t!”

  “You can.” He moved closer. “You just need to focus, OK?”

  She shook her head.

  “Listen to me. Just listen. I want you to pick one thing in this room, OK? One thing to look at, to focus on. Can you do that?”

  She looked up at him.

  “Trust me, Tammy. Find one thing and look at nothing but that.”

  She looked at the table in front of her, saw the vase of flowers that he’d brought her the day before. She focused on the largest one, a bright red dahlia. She nodded.

  “OK. Now look at it, and try to take a deep breath. Don’t let yourself breathe out until you breathe in for three seconds.”

  Her fingers gripped her elbows. He saw her knuckles were white as she dug her nails in to her own arms, shaking from the effort of trying to breathe.

  “That’s good, Tammy. Do it again. Breathe in for three.”

  She closed her eyes.

  “No. Don’t take your eyes off the point of focus, Tammy. Open your eyes.”

  She did, looked at the flower again. Breathed in for three, her breath caught, and she pulled in some more air.

  “That’s better. Again.”

  She felt her lungs opening a bit now, her chest expanding. She took a breath, held it, breathed in again. The short, sharp exhalations were easier to control now. She stared at the dahlia and breathed in and breathed out, her mouth dry, her head starting to spin.

  “OK. I’m going to touch you now.”

  She jumped back.

  “I’m just going to uncross your arms. OK? You’ll find it easier if your body is open. I’m going to touch your arms. That’s it. I promise.”

  Rob gently took her by the wrists and moved her arms apart. Her hands snapped in to fists.

  “Open your hands, Tammy.”

  She did and he saw where she had cut her palms with her nails.

  “That’s good. You’re doing really well.” He held her arms to her side, felt her resisting against his hands, wanting to cross her arms again in that age-old gesture of defence and protection. “Keep your arms here. It’ll get easier now.”

  He was right, Tammy knew: the air was moving deeper in to her body. She didn’t feel like her lungs were burning anymore, and the lightness in her head was c
learing. She breathed more slowly now, feeling her chest relax and loosen.

  Rob held her wrists, watching her face. Her cheeks were still too flushed but she had regained control of her breathing. He took a deep breath himself, letting the relief spread through him as she stopped shaking.

  Tammy raised her eyes from the flower and looked up at Rob. His face was tight but he tried to smile at her. “You OK?”

  “Yeah.” Her throat was dry and her voice came out in a croak.

  “Hold on.” He stood up and brought her the glass of water from the table. He held it in front of her lips. “Drink that.”

  She lifted her hands and put them on top of his. She let the cool water run over her tongue and she drank greedily, feeling like she’d been in the desert for days.

  Rob lowered the glass. “Enough?”

  She nodded. He set the glass down next to the flowers and moved away, wanting her to have space. He sat in the armchair on the other side of the table and looked at her.

  “How are you doing now?” he said.

  She looked back at him and suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to cry: she was weak and shaky and her head hurt and all she wanted to do was lie down and sleep for a week.

  “I’m tired,” she said.

  “I’m sure you are,” he said. “Your body has had a terrible shock. You want to lie down?”

  She nodded and lay down on the sofa. He got up again and picked up the blanket from the floor, covered her with it. She reached out and grabbed his arm. “Wait.”

  Rob paused.

  “Would you – would you stay for a little while?”

  Rob had an overwhelming urge to touch her face, to offer her some comfort. “Of course I will. As long as you need.”

  She let go of him and closed her eyes. “Thank you.”

  He sat down in the chair again and watched her. She buried her head in the blanket, hiding her face. Her eyes opened suddenly and stared over at him.

  “I’m really sorry about Christine, Rob.”

  He smiled, a real smile this time. “Thank you. And I’m really sorry for what happened to you.”

  “Thank you.”

  She closed her eyes again and she felt a wave of exhaustion just crash over her. For the first time since she had been attacked and beaten, she fully relaxed, and let herself fall in to the dark oblivion of sleep. She knew Rob would be there, standing guard.

  **

  It was dark outside when Tammy opened her eyes again. She jumped, disoriented and afraid, no idea where she was or how much time had passed. When she saw a massive shape move out of the darkness towards her, she cried out.

  “Tammy, it’s OK. It’s Rob.”

  He turned on the light on the table next to him and he saw the fear on her face. “I’m sorry I scared you… I was just about to turn on a light in the kitchen.”

  “What are you still doing here?” she said. “What time is it?”

  “It’s just past seven o’clock.”

  “At night?”

  “Yes.”

  She sat up now, rubbing her eyes. “But – so – you’ve been here for like… six hours?”

  “Yes.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.” Tammy was feeling stupid. God, he sat here for six hours, watching me sleep? “I mean, you do have a job.”

  “I do. But it just so happens that my boss is your best friend, and when I called her to say that I’d be here with you until you woke up, she was totally fine with it.”

  Despite herself, Tammy smiled. “She would be. She’s amazing.”

  “And she’s also very worried about you. She just wants you to feel safe, Tammy. Whatever it takes for you to feel that, Julie will do it without a second thought. You just have to ask her.”

  “I know.” She felt tears in her eyes. “But please don’t tell her about – about what happened earlier. She’ll just worry.”

  “You mean about your panic attack?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you get them a lot?”

  “No. That was the first one. It just came out of nowhere.”

  “It happened when I told you about Christine. Did what I say about her scare you?”

  “It – it made me start to remember.”

  “It did?”

  “Yeah.” She shivered. “What you said about that guy just waiting for a woman to walk by… It – I don’t know. It hit something.”

  “It triggered your memory?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.” She looked up at him, and he saw that she was crying for the first time since he met her. “I think so.”

  Rob got to his feet and walked over to the sofa slowly. He sat down right next to her, almost touching her. He waited.

  Tammy didn’t move away from Rob this time; instead, she found herself leaning towards his warmth and solidity. She needed to be touched, for the first time since what happened in the alley. She suddenly understood that a man’s body could offer comfort and safety – she had forgotten that in the past month.

  When Tammy moved closer, Rob gently put both arms around her and pulled her head down on to his chest. She tensed.

  “Tammy?”

  “I remember a man in an alley, wearing a green hat. I think – I think he was the one.”

  “OK.”

  “I can’t see what he looks like, though.”

  “Don’t worry about that right now… you’re doing great.”

  She looked up at him, her face totally open and vulnerable and honest. “I’m afraid I may have done something to bring it on myself.”

  “Tammy. No. No, you didn’t.”

  “I always wore – my clothes were – I dressed… sexy. I wore short skirts and tight clothes and I think that maybe…”

  “No. Nothing you did or said or wore made this happen. This guy, whoever he was, made his choice to hurt you because of something he thinks or believes.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because that’s how violence works, Tammy. Christine was in a business suit. Oversized pants and a blazer and a little white blouse. Flats, almost no jewelry. She wasn’t drinking or in a bar or flirting. She was just walking to her car after a day of work. You hear me? These kinds of guys are predators, just looking for someone to hurt. My sister was just – in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like you were.”

  Tammy shook her head. “I still think that I did something. I think it’s my fault.”

  She burst in to tears now. She was too tired to pretend that she was fine anymore, and she couldn’t understand now why it was so important for her to pretend in the first place. Everyone was here for her – why wouldn’t she let them help her?

  Rob held her close as she wept, took her shaking in to his own body. He knew that she was feeling everything, letting herself go, starting to talk about her deepest fears and darkest thoughts. It was an act of surrender and it was the bravest, strongest thing she could do right now.

  He smiled, remembering the first time that Christine had cried like this, when she finally stopped telling him that she was fine and turned to him for help. When she had finally had the strength to let herself be weak; to trust that she could fall apart and put herself back together again.

  He stroked Tammy’s back and waited for the storm to pass. She was going to start to be OK now. He was sure of it.

  **

  Rob was in the kitchen making Tammy a cup of tea and heating up some of the pasta from Manny. He heard the shower still running in the bathroom and glanced at the clock. She’d been in there for twenty minutes. He’d give her five more and then go and check on her.

  Earlier, she had cried for almost ten minutes, and then sat limp and exhausted in his arms. He just held her and waited for Tammy to move away, when she was ready. He was surprised when she stayed close for another ten minutes, just breathin
g and holding on to him. When he asked her if she was OK, she smiled and said that yes, she was just listening to his heartbeat. At those words, he’d been overwhelmed by a feeling of tenderness for her.

  He went back to the living room and stared out the window at the moon overhead. It was so beautiful here at the ranch, and he hoped that Tammy could start to see that now. He wanted her to leave the cabin soon and stand under the mountains and just let her breath rise in to a clear blue sky.

  Rob heard a noise behind him now and he turned. Tammy was standing there in fresh pajamas, drying her black hair with a towel. In the dim light, the bruises were hard to see, but her eyes were lovely and clear as she gazed at him.

  “You feel better?” he said.

  She nodded. “I do.”

  “OK, come on. I have some food for you.”

  She padded through the kitchen on bare feet. She brought a scent of rose and jasmine and he closed his eyes, just for a second, feeling his body respond to her. She was almost as tall as he was and model-slim, with small curving breasts and delicate wrists. She was just so gorgeous, the most arresting woman he’d ever seen. He reminded himself to keep his own desire in check: he was here as a friend. The last thing she needed was to be pawed by some guy she barely knew.

  Tammy sat down and looked at Rob, puzzled. She couldn’t figure him out at all. He seemed to have a bottomless well of patience and kindness, but he also had a darker side which sometimes slipped out from behind his good-guy persona. Every once in a while, she saw a flash of deep, real anger in those amazing blue eyes. Was he still angry about what had happened to his sister? She was sure he was. When he talked about it earlier, his face went hard and still and she felt like Rob disappeared.

  He was back now, though. She hadn’t really understood just how broad and strong he was until he held her, and she was surprised that she wasn’t afraid of him – something about Rob made her trust him. He was the first man that she could relax around since what had happened in the alley; she had even tensed up around Jake and God knows the guy would never, ever hurt her.

  But what she knew in her head and what she knew in her body were two completely different things right now, and her body was winning. She had strong, visceral reactions to men being near her, looking at her, touching her… and none of these reactions were positive. Even on the flight over from New York, she’d wanted to scream when she was standing in line in JFK, waiting to board. Just being around that many men – pressing up against her, looking at her legs and breasts – had stressed her out. If Julie hadn’t been there holding her hand, and Jake hadn’t acted as a physical barrier between her and the crowd, she would have lost it, right there in the airport.