Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...

by Iain Hollingshead

SIR — My battle with my spellchecker continues. Today’s diary entry was mistakenly recorded as: “I passed some stinking doctors and washed them well.”

  Ian Thompson

  Darrington, West Yorkshire

  SIR — I do not understand why the doctors’ strike should be a cause for concern. I find that with Google and YouTube there is very little that I cannot diagnose and treat.

  Graeme Hawkins

  Cambridge, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I was very sorry to discover that, in spite of a 24-hour doctors’ strike, I was still forced to endure an hour of Holby City on the BBC this evening.

  Gareth Temple

  Kessingland, Suffolk

  SIR — In the long-running television series Neighbours Dr Karl Kennedy is multi-disciplined with expertise in gynaecology, oncology, paediatrics and neurology. He is also permanently on call and available for home visits at the drop of a hat.

  Perhaps the NHS has a lot to learn from our antipodean friends.

  Michael Cattell

  Mollington, Cheshire

  CHE CORBYN

  SIR — When as a callow youth I first grew a beard, people thought I was trying to look like Che Guevara. Later, with designer stubble becoming trendy, I was compared to Yasser Arafat. Now, greying and ageing, I am, to my chagrin, suddenly likened to Jeremy Corbyn. Time to shave it off, I think.

  Charles Garth

  Ampthill, Bedfordshire

  SIR — I wonder why the more left-wing a male MP is, the less likely it is that his jacket will match his trousers.

  S.G.

  Waterlooville, Hampshire

  SIR — I see that Jeremy Corbyn wore a tie at the Labour Party conference but showed his contempt for such a bourgeois appendage by leaving a gap at the top of the knot.

  Brian Checkland

  Thingwall, Wirral

  SIR — With apologies to P.G. Wodehouse, if Jeremy Corbyn at the Labour conference in Brighton was not exactly dishevelled, he was far from being shevelled.

  James Rothman

  Balcombe, West Sussex

  SIR — Doesn’t Jeremy Corbyn break the old rule that you can either be unconventional, or dress unconventionally, but not both?

  A.J.H. Latham

  Reynoldston, Gower

  SIR — Jeremy Corbyn’s politics, while not acceptable to a lot of people, can be regarded as the cost of living in a democratic society.

  However, his decision to wear socks with sandals is beyond the pale.

  G. Johnson

  Gateshead, Tyne and Wear

  SIR — Softly spoken, seductive and hypnotic — Jeremy Corbyn reminds me of Kaa, the python in The Jungle Book.

  Rosemary Moorhouse

  Lydeard St. Lawrence, Somerset

  SIR — You report that Jeremy Corbyn had a “fling” with Diane Abbott in the 1970s. I wonder who slept on the left.

  Charles Foster

  Chalfont St Peter, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — What do Jeremy Corbyn and Boaty McBoatface have in common? They were both nominated for polls which they duly won by a substantial margin at which point those responsible (35 MPs and the BBC presenter) regretted their nominations.

  The main difference between the two is that the Labour Party is stuck with Corbyn.

  T.P.

  Disley, Cheshire

  SIR — As one of the undoubted minority of your readers who actually like the Labour leader, I am becoming concerned about what appears to be an outbreak among your centre-right commentators of Splenetic Corbynitus, a condition that raises the blood pressure to dangerous levels and may, I fear, trigger gastric ulcers. While their concern about the future electability of the Labour Party is touching, the constant and terrible worry must be taking its toll.

  Jonathan Hill

  Thornton-le-Dale, North Yorkshire

  NUCLEAR PRETENCE

  SIR — If we replace Trident we spend £20 billion. If we don’t, we lose our deterrent. Why don’t we just pretend we’ve replaced Trident? We’ll save £20 billion and keep our deterrent.

  Neville Landau

  London SW19

  SIR — Never mind whether we should or should not replace Trident, your picture of the cracked and dilapidated nuclear red trigger is deeply disturbing. Can I suggest we quickly replace that?

  Fintan Walton

  Oxford

  SIR — On the subject of deterrence, I am forced to wonder if Mr Corbyn has unilaterally abandoned the use of a burglar alarm in his house.

  Roger Whittingham

  Dawlish, Devon

  SIR — Seeing Jeremy Corbyn brandishing a pair of scissors at a “cutting the ribbon” ceremony made me wonder if that makes him better equipped than his army will be?

  J.D.

  Chipperfield, Hertfordshire

  LETHAL WEAPONS

  SIR — I read your article entitled, “Do women soldiers have a killer instinct?” with an understanding perhaps greater than most readers.

  Having served as a nurse in military hospitals for over 30 years I was in constant contact with those delicate beings, namely the female nurses of the Queen Alexandra’s Royal Army Nursing Corps.

  Having trained with them on military exercises and played a few games of rugby against them, I can assure readers that they are well up to “going for the kill”.

  The only problem would be stopping them.

  Alan S. Cubbin

  Weasenham St Peter, Norfolk

  SIR — I don’t know what my wife would do to the enemy but she terrifies me.

  Leon Paul

  Oundle, Northamptonshire

  SIR — How long before we call Women in Combat WomBats, I wonder?

  Paul Fothergill

  Paris, France

  SIR — Only vaguely apropos the recent decision to allow women to serve in the Infantry, is anyone else a bit concerned that our senior army officers nowadays seem so wet? Generals used to be known for their bristling moustaches and peremptory, commanding manners; their modern counterparts appear to be mild, bespectacled men who speak in the mild, placatory tones of a modern bishop, and haven’t got a proper military moustache between them.

  Of course, we all welcome the general feminisation of everything, but shouldn’t the battlefield be an exception?

  Anthony Denny

  Buckfastleigh, Devon

  WAITING FOR CHILCOT

  SIR —

  To report on the war, Blair summoned Chil-a-cot:

  “I want plenty of pages — please fill-a-lot.”

  But unless I’m mistaken,

  From the time it has taken,

  Chil-a-cot must have been ill-a-lot.

  David Atkins

  Lyminster, West Sussex

  SIR — The Chilcot report delays have helped me understand the concept of deep time.

  Mark Solon

  London SW12

  SIR — On July 7, the day after Mr Blair held his extraordinary press conference following the publication of the Chilcot Report, The Daily Telegraph Personal Column, wherein we can read a daily bible quote, carried the following: “There is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way to death” (Proverbs 14:12).

  Was this message intentional or merely a telling coincidence?

  Chris Kilpatrick

  Brafferton, North Yorkshire

  HEIR TO BLAIRMORE

  SIR — Am I alone in finding it ironic that the family trust of David Cameron, our “heir to Blair” Prime Minister, is called Blairmore Holdings?

  John Waine

  Nuneaton, Warwickshire

  SIR — David Cameron talks of “aggressive tax avoidance”. Surely the desire to hang on to one’s own property is intrinsically defensive?

  John Hart

  Chelmsford, Essex

  SIR — Last year I bought a bottle of duty-free malt whisky at the airport. Am I morally repugnant?

  Lucas Elkin

  Haslingfield, Cambridgeshire

  SIR — There is an interesting disparity in the m
edia’s treatment of David Cameron and John Whittingdale, both MPs who engaged in legal activities that they wisely decided to cease before taking high public office. Cameron caused a media frenzy, while Whittingdale received discreet media coverage.

  Is this because few in the media circus understand even everyday financial products and yet fully understand even bizarre sexual activity?

  Stephen Lovesey

  Wantage, Oxfordshire

  SIR — The fuss makes me wonder what the modern media would make of former MPs such as the notorious Thomas Benson, MP for Barnstaple in 1747 and Sheriff of Devon. He was supposed to transport convicts overseas, but delivered them to his island of Lundy off the North Devon coast, to help in his smuggling activities (chiefly tobacco).

  He owed the Exchequer thousands of pounds in unpaid duties. Finally, he attempted an insurance fraud by scuttling his ship, but a drunken sailor revealed the truth. The master of the ship was caught and hanged, but Benson escaped to Portugal where he died in comfort. That was a real scandal.

  Elizabeth Hammett

  Barnstaple, Devon

  SIR — It is not the fact that Mr Cameron has been slightly reticent in making a statement about his finances that disappoints me, so much as the fact he has failed to make any significant money from his investments. Clearly other heads of state are doing much better.

  Martin Bastone

  East Grinstead, West Sussex

  SIR — There used to be something reassuringly predictable about political scandals: if it was a Conservative, then sex would be involved somewhere; if it was a Labour member, you could be pretty certain it would be about money.

  We now find a Conservative prime minister embroiled in issues involving money. If Jeremy Corbyn ever discovers sex, we’ll be really confused.

  Graham Hoyle

  Baildon, West Yorkshire

  SIR — As an impecunious wage slave, the goings-on relating to the super-rich and the Panama Papers have been fascinating — despite the fact that they are taking place at a level far above the Poundland Papers world I inhabit.

  I was therefore delighted to read your story about Jeremy Corbyn being fined for a late tax return. Now there’s a man I can relate to.

  Rob Reid

  Skelmorlie, Ayrshire

  SIR — It was a former Labour politician, Lord (Roy) Jenkins, who in 1986 provided a memorable definition of Inheritance Tax: “[It] is broadly speaking a voluntary levy paid by those who distrust their heirs more than they dislike the Inland Revenue.”

  T.B.

  Swinbrook, Oxfordshire

  I’M FEELING UNLUCKY

  SIR — My eight-year-old granddaughter was sent Christmas gifts from her father (who is working in the USA and estranged from her mother), as well as some personal property she had left by mistake on her last visit. The total declared value was $200.

  Instead of receiving the gifts, she was sent a letter from HMRC requiring £34 in tax before the gift would be released to her after Christmas.

  Following an intervention by the MP, HMRC wrote to say that “rules are rules”.

  Yes, but not, it seems, if your name is Google.

  Makes you proud to be British.

  Bill Thompson

  Frankby, Wirral

  SIR — I always wanted to be successful and am now pleased to realise that I have achieved this goal. I paid more tax than Facebook last year.

  Ed McGrath

  Bookham, Surrey

  DISENFRANCHISING STUDENTS

  SIR — Their lack of historical perspective and the immaturity demonstrated by the students campaigning against the Oriel College statue of Cecil Rhodes suggests that, rather than lowering the voting age to 16, the Government should put it back to 21.

  Michael Staples

  Seaford, East Sussex

  SIR — Now that Oriel College is preparing an ex cathedra ruling on the character of Cecil Rhodes, might not their learned dons save historians everywhere much toil involved in analysing complex source material and the like by issuing an exhaustive catalogue of historical figures, clearly divided into columns of “Goodies” and “Baddies?

  Nikolai Tolstoy

  Southmoor, Berkshire

  SIR — The process can continue with the London Underground: King’s Cross offends republicans; Waterloo upsets those who believe a Napoleonic victory in 1815 would have deposed the regency, so Regent’s Park must go too; Mansion House becomes Council House; Oxford Circus can be renamed Ntokozo Qwabe Circus after the great Oriel Rhodes’ scholar who started the kerfuffle; and as for Cockfosters…

  Charles Foster

  Chalfont St Peter, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — I was interested to read Allison Pearson’s report that the JCR at my old Cambridge college, Christ’s, was considering “non-binary” loos. Actually, Christ’s has always been quite innovative in this department. When they installed the first college bath house in Cambridge towards the end of the nineteenth century, the other colleges expressed amazement at this unnecessary facility, as undergraduates were up for only eight weeks each term.

  David Nicholls

  Manningtree, Essex

  SIR — As Oxford seeks to display more portraits of gay people, may I suggest that Cecil Rhodes might be a worthy choice.

  Michael Rye

  Enfield, Middlesex

  BOTTLE OF BRITAIN

  SIR — David Cameron says he will “battle hard for Britain through the night” at the EU renegotiations.

  He should know that until Britain leaves the EU, this is not permitted under the European Working Time directive.

  Beau Nidal

  Brussels, Belgium

  SIR — As Mr Cameron has accepted such reduced negotiation terms he appears not so much to have battled for Britain but bottled for it.

  David Wilson

  Cottingham, East Yorkshire

  SIR — Never has so little been promised to so many by so few.

  William Wilson

  London SW11

  SIR — Why is it that when a man goes shopping armed with a list of needs and wants, he inevitably comes home without most of them and, those he does manage to get, are a pale imitation of the important things with which he promised to fill his basket?

  Evelyn Evans

  Evercreech, Somerset

  SIR — “We do not pretend, and never have pretended, that we got everything we wanted in these negotiations. But we did get big and significant improvements on the previous terms.

  “We confidently believe that these better terms can give Britain a New Deal in Europe.”

  That wording appears on page two of the Government pamphlet I and other voters received immediately prior to the 1975 referendum.

  Allan Kirtley

  Cobham, Surrey

  SIR — I had a “once in a lifetime” vote in the 1975 European Referendum and I’m still here. Should I consult my physician?

  Alan Jones

  Rossendale, Lancashire

  PROJECT INSANITY

  SIR — Samantha Cameron has said she will make David Cameron leave Downing Street before he is driven mad.

  His assertion that, if we leave the EU, war will break out in Europe indicates she is too late.

  David Saunders

  Sidmouth, Devon

  SIR — David Cameron says Brexit could mean war. Colonel Richard Kemp says a united EU army could mean war. Former equality chief, Trevor Phillips, says more migration could mean civil war.

  As a Telegraph Crossword addict, when can we expect some coded messages?

  Bill Danby

  Skelton, North Yorkshire

  SIR — We must be considerably more important than I had previously thought if, by leaving the EU, we will single-handedly be responsible for World War III, international genocide and aggravated global warming.

  Now, that is punching way above one’s weight.

  John B. Hunter

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  SIR — Mr Cameron says that the cost of a
foreign holiday will rise by £230 if we vote to leave the EU. But who wants a foreign holiday during WWIII?

  Steve Cattell

  Hougham, Lincolnshire

  SIR — I’m confused: is Mr Cameron’s WWIII going to cause Mark Carney’s recession or will the recession bring on the war?

  Michael Ross

  Hastings, East Sussex

  SIR — It’s a good job we are having a proper debate over the EU referendum — how else would the Prime Minister have discovered that Brexit might lead to war?

  Only a year or so ago, David Cameron was of the view that, without significant reforms, he would be prepared to lead the Leave campaign. I dare say that, with further research, he will come to the conclusion that pestilence and famine would follow Brexit.

  Alasdair Ogilvy

  Stedham, West Sussex

  SIR — The latest rumour is that if we leave the EU, my testicles will turn square and fester at the corners. Can anyone confirm if this is true?

  Peter Walton

  Buckingham

  SIR — Should I be building a really, really big wooden boat, or am I too late?

  Graham Whipp

  Barnoldswick, Lancashire

  SIR — It is an undisputable fact that if we vote for Brexit on June 23 the nights will start drawing in.

  Mac Fearnehough

  Holmesfield, Derbyshire

  SIR — In his latest intemperate outburst David Cameron resembles King Lear in his revenge speech against his daughters: “I will do such things — what they are, yet I know not, but they shall be the terrors of the earth”.

  Perhaps, like Lear, Mr Cameron “is not in his perfect mind”.

  David Saunders

  Sidmouth, Devon